You have a good story idea and a good start to the beginning of it however, proofreading before making it public would help ensure that your writing will continue to be read. There are a few common mistakes: lack of description (the runner making a noise to indicate male or female), using plural (them) instead of singular (her, him) and being repetitive (the runner did this, the man helped the runner, the runner...etc.). Broadening your vocabulary (using a thesaurus is helpful) will help strengthen your great story idea and really make it appealing. If you write and then proofread (read it aloud if need be), it will help your writing go a long way!
I can't wait to read more! Keep writing!
Jordan Anna
A survivor of the "Great Flood of 2008" in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, I can certainly understand the devastation that exists during the difficult times of those surviving Hurricane Sandy's and the snow storms' aftermaths. While you gave the outline of what happened in general, you did not embark on how you, as an individual felt. As someone who has gone through such a tragedy, I would have liked to have seen more feeling, more emotion in your writing. You may go so far as to put your age-such as, "It was all too much for my (age) year old mind but as my mother always says..." I wish to have seen more emotion, thoughts during the night time hours while trying to go to sleep. Written as of now, it's just a fleeting glimpse into what you dealt with.
Nonetheless, stay safe in such troubled times and keep writing!
Jordan Anna
I have mixed emotions reading this. First though, I'd like to mention that in the 2nd paragraph, you wrote that Mary retied her shoe, yet in the third paragraph, you stated that she felt a spider on her toes. I don't believe that she'd feel it through her shoes. Aside from that, I'm happy that the Andersons were able to move on passed their daughter's death. Grief is a very hard thing to deal with. Yet a part of me questions-almost screams out- that is she was hearing her grandmother's voice in her dreams, the warnings she was given, why on earth didn't she listen? Then again, people do things like this all the time-and have to deal with the consequences.
That while we do things in life, despite all the warnings, we can still teach what we have learned even if we learned the hard way.
That, I feel, is what makes this beautiful. You've done a good job-keep writing!
Jordan Anna
I definitely was drawn to your introduction "...if the boy were alive". It sparked interest and a want to continue with reading Chapter One. A little bit of a tease at the end of the chapter keeps my attention...and I now anxiously await the second chapter. A couple of things that I would like to bring up- to which you may ignore, of course, if you choose. Quotes " " around what people say, make it easier to read. In the beginning, you used the word 'walked' three times. Using a thesaurus will help broaden your vocabulary, and make the feel of the story come out more. You already have a "college" tone-and that's great for the setting! Capital letters for names, would also help.
As I've said, the story idea is great so be sure to keep adding little tidbits to avoid your story going flat. So far, so good! I await Chapter Two!
Jordan Anna
I love it! What captured my attention the most when glancing through things to read, was the title. My first thought was that it was used as a name, but then as I started reading, my thought was more like, 'poor word, you're a linking verb and very helpful". I was captivated by the creativity of the story, though was slightly sidetracked by a slip of spelling the word "purpose" in the seventh paragraph, and a few quoted words lacking quotes-just small things that don't take away from the story. I'm a proofreader by nature-obsessive actually, so please don't take offense. The story also takes on a somewhat 'human' characteristic, being picked on by other 'people', trying to find his place in the (word) world-just like all kids go through.
As a home-school mother of four, I would be deeply honored to be able to share your story with my little group of students!
Jordan Anna
This is one of those writings that the reader can definitely relate to! It has that slightly chaotic sense, that I get when I'm in that store. You brought out the aggravation that I feel while touring Walmart, knowing that they don't have most of what I'm after. You have literally hit it on the head. Yet...you have also brought out that on occasion, something can happen, that changes the entire view of 'the dreaded shopping trip'. I, too, have had things that pop up, really make my day while touring the Store of Living Hell. And as you have written, it gives "the best Wal-Mart experience I've ever had."
Good job! Don't stop writing!
It's a problem that is all too often, swept under the rug. Your poem is touching, heartbreaking and intense. The two sentences that are the longest, depicts those many long, horrific moments during the actual attack, when one wonders 'when will it ever stop?' The fear and pain in those screams will always linger longer than the physical pain. You've done well to make that point. Keep writing, Mr. Gipson- sometimes, it's the only way to let go of the hurt!
Despite the tragic loss of friends as close, or closer than brothers, not many have the ability to speak of it. Putting the heartbreak and the sorrow in to words, tends to make the acts complete, concrete: my friend is dead. Sometimes, it's easier to put it in words than to speak of the atrocities seen.
Regardless of whether you're a soldier, a loved one, or a writer able to put your thoughts of such a tragedy into words, you have done a great job, depicting that loss, that heavy sense of failure. I hope that your writing will bring some hope, peace, and closure to those who have dealt with the loss of such a loyal friend.
This ballad is uplifting. Though the use of swords are outdated (in my opinion, it's really too bad), the determination, the suffering and bravery can be uplifting, iconic, even in modern times. It's beautifully written and easy to picture in my mind. The flow is great from verse to verse. It reminds me of some of the songs from Loreena McKennitt. This is one of those that should be in the list of great ballads. I really appreciate this piece! Keep writing!
Jordan Anna
I fail to have any suggestions for making this better. What you have written is two-fold; by this I mean that it not only does it make me reflect on how I view myself-as I've been in a couple of these situations before-but also how I look at people. It makes me reflect on all of the times that I've fought to do something very well, just to have someone else do it better. No one is perfect but we certainly don't have to be. We can be free to find ourselves, find who we are. I believe that this is something that should shared immensely!
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