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165 Total Reviews Given
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Review of Train Journey  Open in new Window.
Review by tuesday Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Great story! I enjoyed the twist at the end! You did a nice job of humanizing both characters. I'm curious why you chose not to "name" the ruffian; although it does add a layer of intrigue to the story!
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Review by tuesday Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi DeeL

I found your story "Cybergeneration-Prologue" on the review request page. I enjoyed your prologue. It peaked my interest. Where will the boy(?) go? How will he find others like himself? What changes will happen because of the plague. You did a great job with the set-up and left me with lots of questions to be answered. I am glad that your prologue is short-it doesn't need anything else. I'm ready to read the story! I had some trouble with sentence structure, for example the second sentence, that required some rereading, but there were no issues so large as to detract from the story.

Thanks for sharing your work!
Tuesday
3
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Review of My Scarred Beauty  Open in new Window.
Review by tuesday Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi Madison Taylor,

Welcome to Writing.com! I found your (18+ rated) short story "My Scarred Beauty" on the review request page. I was intrigued by the title. Placing disfigurement and beauty side by side created a wonderful opportunity to get involved with the story before it even began. Nice! The writer did a great job of conveying the emotion of the moment as well as the emotion of the narrator. I liked the overall pace of the story and the way the writer focused on the character and not the environment. I didn't feel I needed any detail of location as that was unimportant to the story. The story was definitely in the character. I thought that the writer used the scarring to wonderful effect-not only showing the devastation of Caden's physical scars but also his emotional scars. I was also deeply aware of Griff's scars-his own emotional disfigurement, which created a wonderful mirroring effect; a common point, or meeting point if you will where both men (or all men) are equal. Subtext-Very Cool!

I had a bit of trouble following along at first, some awkward phrasing -Caden was apparently the sexy little number dancing on the table. Consider clarifying this point-easy to do by moving the modifier closer to the subject. I was troubled by an apparent disparity between the topic and the age (maturity) of the characters. It was a little incredible to me that the entire room would come to a stop and gasp at a scar-this seems like the reaction of an exceptionally young crowd-younger even than teens. The author's handling of the situation made me uncomfortable. As the scene became more intimate, the dialogue became a bit rougher-as if the writer was also uncomfortable. It felt more like author intrusion than a reflection of the character-Griff's discomfort. I'm not sure why I had this feeling-perhaps a bit of over-discussion of Caden's scars. I felt like the author was trying to convince me, the reader, that Griff was a good guy instead of allowing Griff's nature to speak for itself. I wonder if there would have been as much focus on the scars if they were as unimportant as claimed? Perhaps the discomfort was an intended effect, I'm not clear about that.

I enjoyed reading this story, as it gave me much to think about. The dialog was natural and the overall flow of the story was pretty good. The author did not try to answer every question or solve every problem-excellent! Keep writing!

Cindy
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Review of Trapped  Open in new Window.
Review by tuesday Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Mikaylee-Rae Johnson,

I found your short story "Trapped" on the request reviews page. I enjoyed reading your story. The story started with an intense situation and grabbed my interest! You identified the main character well and made me care about her and want her to succeed. You kept the story moving-from moment to moment, never stalling out with overmuch reflection or description. A great balance!

I loved your use of simile and metaphor! "...bricks of fear piling up inside her..." "...her heart picked up the pace that could easily outrun a panther..." "footsteps ricocheted off the walls of the alley..." You brilliantly turned some, potentially, old cliches into fresh phrases.

I noticed a lot of cliches in your writing, phrases that I've read a million times in other stories. For me, they took away from the intensity of the scene. They made what must have been a terrifying experience seem forced, bordering on disingenuous. It felt like the writer was trying too hard to convince me of the emotion, feeling instead almost melodramatic. her hair "...flew out behind her..." her footsteps "...slowed to a halt..." tears "...slid from her eyes..." a sob "...escaped from her lips..." You get the idea. You did such a fantastic job with the other potential cliches I was hoping to see more of that brilliant writing.

Cliches can become intrusive and can also be a trap as they often sound neat but don't make much sense. "Her breathing stopped and her heart picked up the pace..." If she stopped breathing...??? There was just one other thing that took my attention from the drama of the moment to the writing (author intrusion). His steps were "loud and purposeful' and two sentences later "the padding footsteps" these two descriptions are so dissimilar they distracted me from the moment. I thought the author intended to make the footsteps more menacing as they approached by slowing them down. Consider ways to make these sorts of transitions smoother, the reader needs to see the footsteps slow before they can pad. (also, consider trying to avoid words like "footsteps" as much as possible-not very descriptive.)

The drama and character can be used to help write away the cliches. Something like -his hard soled (or roughened leather or whatever he is) shoes slapped (beat, punched) the roughened (hardened, cracked, or whatever she has become) asphalt-can help to further define both characters. The descriptions can also help to alter the speed of the story-slowing at the menacing moments and quickening during flight.

I am far more interested in reading your original words, ideas, than the "well worn" expressions of others. Especially when you've so clearly demonstrated your ability to do so! Cliches aside, the story was great, the characters were strong, and the pace was good.

Thanks for sharing,
Tuesday
5
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Review by tuesday Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello General PGT Beauregard,

I found your short story "The Musket and the Sword" on the review request page.

The author did a wonderful job with descriptions. They are vivid and lend tone and depth to the writing. By this I mean the descriptions were used to convey more than just a description-they helped me to understand the characters, their frustrations, and desires. "His shako had been a bright black back then but now, it was a cold hard white hat as if death had sucked the life out of it. Even the pom pom situated on it was frozen white." Obviously this man has endured great hardship; like the hat, he has become cold and hard! The author let the man's hat show me! Wonderful writing!

I really liked the voice of Gulliemont and Renard. I could picture them, just by the way they spoke-beautiful job with dialogue. "‘Our scouts have sighted a Russian cavalry unit approaching from the north east. They’ll cut us off before we reach the pass.’ The men felt strong and brusk. I could easily visualize them and read the intonation in their voices!

I felt like the action got kind-of buried by the setting and characters. For a wartime story, the events seemed to take a circuitous route, especially for fleeing soldiers. At times the story seemed oppressed by superfluous dialogue and at other times unneeded description. Honestly I skimmed over a lot of the text and began searching for the story, searching for the action-what exactly is happening. I'm sure I missed important story elements, which I am also sure the author didn't want. I know every writer wants his reader to devour every word! I would have liked to see the progression of the men, the events, take charge of this story. The story line seems strong, but gets bogged down, perhaps like the men.


Some things, like this, "he dodged Russian bullets zooming straight through him" confuse and frustrate me. How does a man dodge bullets that are going through him? These two things are opposite, aren't they? In the heat of battle, "He scratched his chin and leapt from the snow to grab Gulliemont's throat." What? Is he pondering before he reaches for the guy's throat? Did he injure his chin when he fell? I'm not sure why the author is telling me this. For me, these kinds of things are distractions from what could be a great drama! The author might consider looking carefully for illogical errors that distract from the events of the story.

I think a bit of tightening up is all the story needs. Again, in this story, I see an author with great skill and flair for writing!

Thanks for sharing your story!
Tuesday
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Review by tuesday Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello stricuckoo,

I found your poem "Berkshire Valley #1" on the review request page. This is really a very exquisite poem. It has a gentle feeling, the longing and wistfulness come through beautifully. It is wonderfully balanced with a delicate touch and voice.

I love the echo in the first and last stanzas. "come home, come home..., too many miles, too many days..." Such a peaceful longing. Wonderful!

It is easy for me to read more into this poem than a longing to return home. The layers of meaning are very suggestive. My thought was that the siren is an urge, a calling, not perhaps to home but to some other occupation, writing maybe. The narrator clearly wants to be heard "none there care to hear... my lonely thoughts" but seems to be anxious about the ability to get there "too many miles I am from home..." Home, to me, seems to represent an expression or message that the narrator worries he will never convey or accomplish but eternally longs for.

The cadence of the even stanzas are perfection, while the odd stanzas are just a bit off. This lends itself beautifully to the angst of the narrator, a feeling that he never quite gets there, He can never get "home," to that place where he is perfectly at ease, perfectly understood. The push and pull between worry and desire are expressed so well. I absolutely love the delicate balance you've created within the lines, meter, and stanzas of this poem.

I don't know another word for this-exquisite!

Thanks for sharing,
Cindy
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Review of A Soldiers Story  Open in new Window.
Review by tuesday Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Fletch,

Welcome to Writing.com! I found you short story "A Soldier's Story" on the Newbies page. I enjoyed reading this story. You have written a touching tale of a civil war veteran's experience on the battlefield.

I found the main character sympathetic. His desire to fight on was clearly portrayed.

Your desire to impart the emotion and drama of the moment was apparent, perhaps too apparent. It can be difficult to let the character portray his emotion without author intrusion. An author can be intrusive by overwriting-too much focus on thought and feeling can overpower the moment. Also, watch out for cliches, they can make a serious moment seem trite or forced. (his mind raced, like a lightning strike, unimaginable pain.)

I would have liked to "see" the character, his dirty uniform, worn boots, etc, It would help me to know how long he'd been fighting. I would have liked to have a sense of the confusion of the battlefield.

A few phrases that I found odd- "his mind raced, at a seeming snails pace" hmm? "the voice of peace that told him not to fear" - it sounds pretty, but became a distraction for me as I was trying to figure out whether you meant one of his buddies or some philosophical/angelic voice.

Oftentimes it is best to just say things simply-difficult I know-I myself suffer from the affliction of overwriting.

I hope you will find some of my comments useful. Keep writing!
Tuesday
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Review of The Daisy  Open in new Window.
Review by tuesday Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello strlcuckoo,

I found your poem "The Daisy" on the review request page. Nice writing. You've captured the circularity of the daisy nicely. I like the ending elipses. There's nowhere to go except back to the beginning. Neat! There is a certain elegance in your words that I like. The uneven cadence mirrors the crazy circular love.

I would have liked to see some colorl or emotion in this poem. It seems flat for a crazy making round of love. The dasies speak, are they empty words? What do the daisies do? Do they touch, feel, hear, dissappear, love, cry? They seem to be stuck in the words, making the words seem hollow. Isn't there something more here? The daisy itself is a beautiful thing, even without the love. Where is the beauty?

The elegance of your poem might be richer when the cadence of the poem defies the words/ the circulairty. Beauty cannot be ignored; simplicity that is, at its heart, complex. Try building in layers of meaning with rhyme and meter, with thought and action.

Keep writing and have fun!
Thanks for sharing your poem,
Tuesday
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Review by tuesday Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello TheOne,

I found your poem "Was the path I took the right one?" on the review request page. I enjoyed reading your poem. Doubt and regret are universal emotions that we can all identify with.

You've done a fantastic job of creating reader questions with thought provoking statements. The poem seems to ask the reader to confront the notion of immutability. Is the narrator in the throws of emotion, feeling that there is no chance to change to reposition? Has the narrator done something unforgivable? Why is the narrator unable to love him? Is love something overt or is it hidden, always withing our grasp and capability whether the other person wants it or not? Cool poem!

The parenthetical phrase feels disruptive. It upsets the balance of the final three lines. The intent of the disruption is unclear and feels like an intrusion on the pensive nature of the rest of the poem.

Overall, a fantastic insightful poem! Keep writing!

Thanks for sharing a great poem,
Tuesday
10
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Review of Stopping Time  Open in new Window.
Review by tuesday Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Spiced Darjeeling,

I found your poem "Stopping Time" on the review request page. I enjoyed reading your poem. The images were vivid and well drawn. I liked the leisurely pace of the poem. You made a nice statement about the impossibility of stopping time with the contrast between the title and stanza. Even while the narrator holds his breath, the poem continues. Nice!

I liked the contrasts you drew with "dust pools." Nice job of creating balance-dry and wet, old and young, stopping and moving.I love the way the narrator still enjoyes this experience-'dust pools in the folds of our skin" lets me know the narrator is older, while the experience itself evokes the innocence of youth.

While I've never heard moths hum, I enjoyed the comparison to the motorbikes. For this topic, the cadence of the poem was noticably absent. I would have liked the rythem of the poem to enhanse the leisurely pace of the words.

Overall, a great poem. Keep writing!
Thanks for sharing a great poem,
Tuesday
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Review of Meaning  Open in new Window.
Review by tuesday Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Ke San,

Welcome to Writing.Com. I found your poem "Meaning" on the newbies page. What a wonderful poem! I especially loved the first two stanzas. Beautifully expressed! You've chosen such a wonderful image to demonstrate the power of recovery. Falling down isn't necessarily the end, but an opportunity to see something new. Great observation! I like how the last stanza reinforces, with words, the action of the first two stanzas. Nice symmetry.

I got a bit lost in the third stanza. I cannot understand what the narrator is trying to say. "Now I feel/ Short of feelings/ that I've found/a reason whyTo feel short of feelings, I think, means the narrator does not have enough feeling to express his/her self. This seems strange to me. I understand not having words to express my feelings, but not having enough emotion is a puzzle. Short of feelings that I've found? That I've found a reason why? I cannot follow the meaning here. Maybe some punctuation or a different phrasing would help clarify your meaning.

How right you are! "Living is what really counts!"

Thanks for sharing a great poem and keep writing!
Tuesday
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Review by tuesday Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Appi,

I wanted to stop by and take a look at some of your other items. I am pleased to see that you are creating some variety in your portfolio. I enjoyed reading your essay “About trouble, joy, peace, and hope.” Your essay is well formed. The paragraphs are tight; they stay on topic. The paragraphs flow smoothly one to the next in a logical order. The overall development of the paper is excellent.

The voice of the narrator seems removed from the writing, almost ghostlike or perhaps angle-like, in that the piece feels lacking in emotion. I think the frequent qualifiers take away from the intensity of the statements. Words like, sometimes, seems, more or less, tend to water down a statement, making it less powerful or certain. Most readers will understand this is your interpretation, your belief. Your name is on the writing; trust the reader to understand this is your opinion. Don’t be afraid to make strong, bold statements. Be confident in your truth. The writing will be that much stronger and infused with your passion for Peter’s words. Qualifiers have their place; I use them often in reviews to water down criticism, but they are less valuable when writing persuasive arguments.

I love the fact that you are not afraid of complex sentence structures. Your simple sentences stand out as poignant against the backdrop of complexity. “Peter writes of hope.” It practically leaps of the page! Excellent use of structure to reinforce the complexity of emotions you are discussing. Having said this, some of the passages are hard to follow. Check for comma usage and subject-verb agreement problems.

For example, look at this: “Some people would have had incidental experiences that are a taste of the very thing but Peter is addressing something different here.” I noticed a couple issues in this statement: 1) why say ‘would have had”? Indeed, some people have had experiences. 2) Doesn’t ‘a taste’ mean the same thing as incidental in this context? 3) You say “the very thing” when referring to joy and hope. Aren’t joy and hope two things? I noticed this switch frequently in your writing. “Joy and peace is the base…” Try instead, joy and peace are…

Parallel construction can tighten your writing even more. “These gifts can be rendered ineffective by fear, doubt, or if help is seeked (sought) from other instances than God.” You have a list; fear and doubt are nouns, if the third item in the list were also a noun, the rhythm of the sentence would not be interrupted. A balanced sentence adds credibility to the statement. The reader will recognize something is wrong with this sentence but may not know what it is. You don’t want them to suspect the verity of the statement. You might want to drop the third item and make it a separate statement. (You write, “other instances than God.” Is God and instance? It kind of sounds like this is what you are saying. Consider rephrasing. Maybe something like, people sometimes seek help from sources other than God…)

Try simplifying some of your phrases to add strength. “Peter writes of hope.” Hope gives him faith in God and hope rewards him with life, a life filled with peace and joy. Do you see how you can use structure and language to infuse your writing with tone, style, movement, and passion?

I think my favorite line in this essay is “Peter writes of hope.” It is so perfectly stated and well suited to the essay. Beautiful! Nice writing. I enjoyed your essay and look forward to seeing more of your writing.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts,
Keep writing!
Tuesday
13
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Review of A Star  Open in new Window.
Review by tuesday Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello etjbs,

Welcome to Writing.com. I found your short story "A Star" on the newbies page. What a great story. You've done a fantastic job with character, plot, and setting. The story moved well and kept me interested. I felt Joey's frustration and wanted him to succeed! I found his desire to do anything to get what he wanted believable. I imagine we have all experienced the tunnel vision of intense desire. I liked the final lesson, the price of being a 'star'.

Your story needs some editing. It was difficult to read because the dialogue is all jammed together. Try starting a new paragraph everytime the speaker changes. Also, check your comma usage. Things like this are confusing: “It’s Mike Joey." I thought the janitors name was Mike Joey. You can use a comma between the names, seperate the two names, Joey, it's Mike, or even better, just leave Joey out and say simply, It's Mike." Check for puncutation problems that interfere with clarity.

Overall, I thought you did an excellet job with this story. Your writing is excellent! A little work on grammar and paragraph structure and you will have a five star story!

Thanks for sharing a great read and keep writing!
Tuesday
14
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Review of Evil Spam  Open in new Window.
Review by tuesday Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello Dave Smith,

Welcome to Writing.Com! I found your essay "Evil Spam" on the newbies page. I enjoyed reading your essay. It was short, but expressed your frustration beautifully. Well said! It does seem unethical for a social networking site to allow non-humans to interact, posing as real people. Hard to be social with a non-entitiy! Hope you can find some joy in being a single dude!

Nice writing! Hope you will post more writing to your portfolio.

Thanks for sharing a great read,
Tuesday
15
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Review of Hunter  Open in new Window.
Review by tuesday Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Astrid Purins,

Welcome to Writing.Com! I found your story "Hunter" on the newbies page. Wow. This is a very good vampire story. You did an excellent job setting the scene, building it into the story instead of littering the story with large chunks of setting. You gave enough detail that I could easily follow the action and not so much that I was confused or distracted by the descriptions. Excellent! The dialoge was wonderful. It seemed natural and well suited to the characters. The scene moved very well and kept my interest to the end. I love the main character. She is strong but also has vulnerabilities and the good sense to be frightened.

You are a fantastic writer! I hope you will continue with this story!

Keep writing
Thanks for sharing a fantastic read!
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Review of Wondering  Open in new Window.
Review by tuesday Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello R.C. Spinner,

Welcome to Writing.Com! I found your sample "Wondering" on the newbie page. I liked it. The emotion of the piece was very strong. The woman's despair felt deep and real. The events flowed naturally and the narrator had a natural voice, not forced or flowery. I cared about the woman and wondered what she had done. Nice writing!

I noticed a bit of tense switching. You wrote most of the story in the past tense but a few places stand out as odd. "She misses the sound of his voice..." Try instead, she missed... and It hadn't happened...

Keep writing and keep posting. I look forward to seeing more of your work!
Thanks for sharing a great read!
Tuesday
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Review of unmixable  Open in new Window.
Review by tuesday Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello bwilliams,

Welcome to Writing.Com! I found your story idea on the newbies page. It sounds like you have a great idea here! I like the fact that you've given your main character, Lana, an ally to accompany her on the adventure. They have a strong dual motive that will carry them much farther than a revenge alone motivation might. You seem to have the setting worked out very well too.

I don't know what 'steam punk influence' means so I cannot comment on that. It seems like you have the plot pretty well worked out. The adventure will be finding the people who can help her heal and then finding her mother. It looks like you will have plenty of adversaries, both character and setting, to keep Lana challenged!

I hope you will start writing soon. I look forward to seeing what kind of adventures you have in store for them!

Good luck with your story, and keep writing!
Tuesday
18
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Review of Revelation  Open in new Window.
Review by tuesday Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey Dennyj,

I enjoyed reading your short story “Revelation.” As always, image tone and voice are gorgeous. Nice build to the climax of the story. I would have liked to know what happened to change Vlad. He seemed happy in his apathy-or if not happy, content. He was bored with the people, what does he think will be different now?

A couple of lines confused me. “Let them pray to their indolent god that they prove entertaining.” This is Vlad speaking,. He seems to be saying the people should pray to their god. What are they praying for? The people are praying that they will entertain Vlad? “let them hope…they provide him a challenge? Shouldn’t they be hoping to do more than that? Shouldn’t they be hoping to defeat him? Is this Vlad hoping the people will be a challenge to him? The phrasing is ambiguous.

I don’t know what the phrase ‘sleep became his only surcease’ might mean. I thought surcease was an end. Sleep became his only end? I’m not sure what you are trying to say. I’m not sure what an anachronistic smile is. A smile out of time? Hmm.

I have mixed feelings about the end. It works. Because I don’t know the reason for Vlad’s change of heart, this story reads more like a prologue, like the rest of the story will unfold in later chapters. For a short story Vlad’s motivation needs to be very clear. What does he hope to accomplish and why?

Minor picks to a great story. Thanks for sharing!
Tuesday
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Review by tuesday Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Dennyj,

I’m back to have a look at another of your items, this time, an article “Zen and the Art of Fly-fishing.” I enjoyed reading your article. You do an excellent job with imagery. The scene really comes to life, even the creepy bugs. You also do a fantastic job of using your descriptions to create mood . The tranquility of the scene is reflected beautifully in the narrators voice. All elements come together to create a wonderful reader experience.

There are spots where the flow of the words is abrupt, disturbing the tranquility of the reading. Look at the line, “it is still quite light out yet.” Try reading it aloud. Can you hear the short terse breaks in the flow? Try rephrasing to soften the flow. Sometimes the simplest statement can be the most eloquent. It’s still too light, so you sit awhile. Or the sun’s too bright…
Reading aloud can be the best way to hear the rhythm of your words. It feels awkward, but it really works! Sometimes it can help to have someone else read your words aloud. See how another reader will pace and interpret the sounds. An audible reading can tell you a lot!

Watch out for antiquated words-I noticed ‘upon’-a poetic term, which all of my English teachers crossed out with a big red pen! Too much flower and poetry can make your writing seem forced, disingenuous.

Thanks for sharing your article,
Tuesday
20
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Review by tuesday Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello Mt. Jester,

Welcome to Writing.Com! I found your short story “Nothing but lint in my pocket” on the newbies page. I enjoyed reading your short story. You did an excellent job with the dialogue! The story flowed well and kept me interested to the end. The characters were well developed and unique. I like the intimate relationship between the two guys. They really seemed to care about each other. Nice portrayal!

Rick’s a nice guy! I think I would have liked him even more if he had just slipped the money to his friend without saying anything. I would have felt as if he understood and respected Kyle’s discomfort with taking money and gifts.

I liked the statement, “What the hell you need to save your money for Annette for?" this sounds like something I hear people say all the time. You’ve captured the image of a ‘real person’ nicely!

Great writing.

Thanks for sharing your short story and keep writing!
Tuesday
21
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Review of Perfect Dream  Open in new Window.
Review by tuesday Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Jenna Saranghae,

Welcome to Writing.Com! I found your poem “Perfect Dream” on the Newbie page. I enjoyed reading your poem. The title suited the content very well. I really loved the gentle tone and mood you managed to write into the verses. The winding stream of the first paragraph felt like a metaphor for life, the twists and turns, ever flowing, and the tone of the poem suggests the narrator finds life pleasant and wondrous. The second stanza takes shifts to a moment in that life. I really love the way the nouns of the second stanza reflect the narrowing focus of the poem, from a whole lifetime to a moment. Look how the countryside reduces to hills and valleys, then to trees, then smaller to bushes, and yet smaller to air. Exquisite writing!
I like the way the final stanza is again a reflection, but this time instead of a metaphoric reflection it is personal. The individual reflects on the experience of that fleeting moment.

The length of the final stanza felt, for me, discordant with the diminishing pattern of the rest of the poem. The narrator seems to want to extend the moment to eternity instead of appreciating its natural fleeting nature as he appreciated the nature of the sun, stream, countryside, trees, etc. I wonder if it isn’t the brevity of a moment that is, in part, what makes it so special.

You have captured this precious moment eloquently.

Thanks for sharing you poem; I hope others will take a moment to enjoy it!
Tuesday
22
22
Review of The world  Open in new Window.
Review by tuesday Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello rgbjr,

Welcome to Writing.Com. I found your analogy "The World" on the newbies page. You've asked some profound questions. Questions, I think many of us have wondered about. I'd love to hear your speculative answers! I like the way the continuous questions reflect the inability to 'know wehre something begins or ends'. Nice writing! There is a quiet despair at the end, it seems as if the narrator is not so happy about giving up the quest for knowledge. Nice subtlety!

The third and fourth sentences are incomplete and I'm afraid your point was lost on me. I don't understand what you are trying to say with these two lines. Can you clarify them?

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and keep writing!
Tuesday
23
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Review by tuesday Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello TheDarkHuntress,

Welcome to Writing.Com! I found your short story "Rebirth of an Immortal" on the newbies page. I enjoyed reading your entry! You've taken on a tough challenge, a story in 55 words! Good for you!

You've done a fantastic job of expressing emotion! Nice writing. I liked the repetition of the word blood, it added to the eternal/hopeless tone of the writing. The repetitive sentence construction also contribute to the tone nicely.

My only major criticism would be that this seems to be more of an end to a story than a story itself. I noticed a missing article or verb here and there, but they did not interfer with the reading and are understandable given the limitations of the contest.

Nice writing! Good luck in the contest!
Thanks for sharing your story and keep writing!
Tuesday

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Review of FindAPartner.com  Open in new Window.
Review by tuesday Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello KezP,

I enjoyed reading your dialogue sample “FindAParnter.com”. The dialogue was natural and flowed well. You did a good job of incorporating it into the action. I noticed only one statement that felt awkward. “You're not getting away with it that easily this time.” It felt different from the way Dan spoke in the rest of the scene. His speech is short, to the point. This feels awkward for him. Try a different wording. You’re not getting off so easy this time-something like that.

Other than this tiny issue, you’ve done a fantastic job with the passage.

Thanks for sharing and keep writing!
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Review by tuesday Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello Kay Lim,

Welcome to Writing.Com! I found your short story “Philosophy under the Stars” on the newbie page. I enjoyed reading your story. The story was interesting and made me want to know how it would end. The title of the story suits the topic very well. You did a very nice job with the dialogue. It made me sad that Maya couldn’t help Dennis find freedom and happiness with his life. The story made life seem so hopeless.

I liked the imagery of the stars and the ocean. Too bad Dennis couldn’t appreciate the ocean, but I guess it is natural not to see the beauty of what is in front of us every day. It seems like this could have been a good lesson for Maya to teach Dennis.

The story moves a bit slowly in the beginning, with a lot of philosophy and reflection. While that is the subject of the story, I wonder if the story would flow better if you mixed the philosophy/reflection into the action of the story. Instead of reading a large passage of thought, the reader would learn about Dennis as he goes about his life.

This was a nice story, very creative.

Thanks for sharing your story and keep writing!
Tuesday
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