This is an interesting story. I'd love to see it fleshed out a little bit more. I don't know if you were working with a word limit but if you wanted to do more with it, I think it could go from good to great!
Watch out for the word and; it's easy to use them while not really noticing that they're there. Here's an example:
Josh ordered a grilled ham and cheese and a large Diet Coke.
Josh ordered a grilled ham and cheese along with a Diet Coke.
Don't be afraid to use more description. I like to 'see' the characters in my mind's eye. For example, with Rose's description, I see an old woman with wrinkles and huge fuzzy, gray hair. Is she frail because she's too thin? Is she frail merely because she's old? Where are the wrinkles? Is her face covered in them or are they just around the eyes? Give me more of her so I can see her. What about Josh? Is he young, old, middle-aged? I want to see him hasten down the street, I want to see the fear in his eyes when a frail woman asks to buy a stamp.
This part of a sentence left me a bit confused:
causing him to almost spasm among other things.
How does a person almost spasm and what are the other things? Again, fill in the blanks, make me see his reaction.
Again, it's a good story and I like where it went. I think it can be a great story with more put into it. I really like the idea and you made it believable the way you made it happen throughout the story; it wasn't forced.
I'll have to give your port a visit and see what else you have in there. Keep on writing!
Welcome, I see you are a new member! You're already writing and getting things into your port, that's great! You are off to fine start.
You have the makings of a really good story. It's amazing how people will search and search, not understanding that there is only one way to truly fill that empty feeling. I have a couple of suggestions to help you with the story, but remember...it's merely my opinion and you can take it or leave it. That part is up to you!
Separate your paragraphs with a blank line. It's easier on the eyes and makes reading on the computer screen easier!
Either have someone read your story to you or read it out loud. That's a great way to hear whether you like the flow of the story and it's so helpful to catch mistakes.
You might try putting your characters thoughts into italics instead of using quotation marks. It makes it easier for the reader to distinguish between dialogue and thoughts. Writing ML help (tags that put your text into bold, italics, etc.) is found under the Site Navigation bars under Site Tools.
He lay there as unconcerned as possible. This sentence makes it sound as though he's trying very hard to be unconcerned. Try taking out the "as possible" part.
He lay there appearing to be unconcerned.
Some of the sentences seem long, almost forced. Let me give you an example:
The young man walked a distance from the small settlement and walked to the outskirts near the desert.
It might read better written like this:
The young man walked to the outskirts of the small settlement and further into the desert.
The town also has to be in the desert, so he walks further...and when you walk a distance from a small town, it is assumed that it's the ouskirts of town.
Like I said, I think this can be a great story with some editing and re-writing. Don't give up on it, work with it!
I found this on the Review Request page, so here I am! Quite an interesting story you have going here, two people, married...neither has a clue!
It was interesting the way you switched from Larry to Sharon throughout the story. I have to admit, I like the technique.
I have a few comments for you, hopefully they'll help. Take what you like and leave the rest!
As I read this, I wondered if there wasn't a way to make their thoughts stand out from their actions or the description of what they're doing. Perhaps put the thoughts in italics?
In the beginning, it's as though John is just a friend, someone she talks to about Larry. I'm having difficulty with some of the dialogue...do you think it's realistic for her to say to John..."He won't even touch me now..." then proceed to arrange another meeting? Although the purpose of the meaning is never stated, it's heavily implied at the end of the story.
Does Larry really keep a six pack of beer in the bathroom? Would Sharon really call John with Larry so close?
Overall, it was a good story. Some of it was believable, some was a stretch, at least for me. When I read it, part of me wondered why they were even together, or why one of them couldn't step up and be real. Seems they both live in a world of denial and anger. I saw them both as very miserable people who didn't have a clue how to relate to each other or even themselves.
I hope you keep writing! Like I said, I liked your idea for this, the way you told what each was doing in their own little space in the house. I'll be watching for more...
Interesting rant! I have to admit, I'm thin, but I still have issues with the runway models, they aren't "real life" examples of what the American population of women look like. I've heard the average size of women in the United States is somewhere between a size ten and a size fourteen...although I can't recall where I heard it.
Just a few suggestions to make your "rant" read a bit better:
Separate your paragraphs with a blank line, it's easier to read.
Whenever you make any sort of list, let it stand on its own, don't hide it in a paragraph!
1.)
2.)
3.)
When you use numbers in your writing, it's usually a good idea to write them out...three rather than 3 gives a better presentation. (With the exception of the list, those numbers are fine!)
Which fashion show are you going to next? I'd love to be sitting next to you, sharing in those tasty pastries you're bringing. I may be thin, but I do love to eat!
On a more serious note, I don't see the media changing it's tactics until the public changes it's reading and viewing habits. Sadly enough, people buy into the "thin" image and try to attain goals that aren't realistic at all. This has been a pet peeve of mine since I can remember. I could go on, but I won't...this is a review, not my own personal rant!
Overall, good job. Keep writing and let me about those pastries, huh?
The idea you have for your story is a good one. I like it, I think you could do a lot with it.
I read through this and can see you've worked hard on it. You have the idea, the picture in your head what you want us to see, you just need a bit of practice getting there!
{e:smile|When you're writing, put blank lines between your paragraphs, it makes it so much easier to read.
Take a look at the finished product after you post in your port. You'll want to make some adjustments in the format.
I would suggest writing more description about the women. How did they come to live in the same house together? Where did they come from? Where are their families? What are their names? These are just a few of the questions I had while I read.
Give the reader some idea of when this story takes place. I wondered as they used wood burning for warmth. Either they were poor, or the story took place years ago when heating with wood was a necessity.
When you write dialogue, try to write it so it reads realistic. Of course, this depends on when the story actually takes place. Most people (at least now) speak in contractions. They wouldn't say "it is cold," they would say, "it's cold." When you write the dialogue, say it out loud. You'll be able to hear whether it's realistic.
Don't be afraid of using more description. In the opening paragraph...how cold was it? Was it so cold the women could see their breath when they spoke? When she pulled the cover over her, give us the picture. Did she pull her old, worn, crocheted afghan over her, or a heavy but worn quilt she had for more years than she could remember? See what I mean?
You have a good start, you just need to keep working with it, developing it to what you see in your mind. Read it out loud, to yourself or someone else, then you can "hear" where you want to edit. I find it's a good tool to use for re-writes and editing.
I hope you keep working on it. Let me know if you want me to read it again after you work with it, I'd be more than happy to read it again and re-review it for you.
This was a cute little story, quite unexpected ending I'd have to say!! Imagine that, a duel over cleaning, hmm...what a concept.
I didn't find errors to point out, you are a stellar proof-reader and have earned my admiration!!
I enjoyed this, it was a fun story to read. As with the other ones, your use of description is wonderful. Kudos to you for coming up with a story like this to write!!
Excellent...you wrote a wonderful story. You painted a picture with words from beginning to end. I truly did enjoy reading this. It brought me both a smile and tears as I read.
I found no errors, no mistakes. I have no comments to give you other than to keep writing so I can read more of your work.
I remember a time many years ago feeling much the way you wrote about. I'd guess that many mothers do, it comes with the territory I think.
I found a couple of typos you'll want to fix...
Things have changed so in the last decade. I think you meant to say "so much."
"what I want to be when I go up". "grow" up was what I think you meant.
Now, they - my thoughts - have invaded world Invaded "my" world?
You've written the musings felt by many mother's I would imagine. Thanks for posting this, I'm sure you'll receive some reviews from others who feel the same as you do.
Take all those post-it notes and start a story with all your thoughts and ideas. You wrote them down for a reason, perhaps it's time? Keep writing, it's a great way to work through all those ponderings we have. To be able to look back and see how far we've come is a wonderful thing!
I thought I had better take some time and review more of your writing. Sorry it's taking me so long, but May is a busy month here on Writing.Com!
This was a good story...well written. I enjoyed it, but there seemed to be something missing from this one though I can't put my finger on just what it is. I've read it a couple of times, hoping something would click and I'd be able to make a suggestion or two. It's tough for me to figure out, I've never written stories of this nature and I'm fairly new to reading this genre.
I know my comments aren't very helpful so far as knowing what and where to edit. I apologize for that. I didn't see any obvious errors to point out, so again, you've done a wonderful job proof-reading your work.
Like I said, I enjoyed it, but it wasn't quite the read the previous two were. I'm looking forward to the next story! Keep up the good work, you're a very good writer!
Reviewing your stories is going to be a wonderful reading experience. I found myself seeing your story as you wrote, your use of description is wonderful. I haven't read a lot in the fantasy genre, but I really enjoy the way you've written this story. I'm looking forward to reading more!
I found only one mistake. I was re-reading the story, as the first time I just read and didn't actually look for them.
My mind was clearly going to be occupied withthe knowledge I was bound to absorb from these masterfully written accounts on the Netherese. I think the word "with" was missing from this sentence.
I didn't see anything else to point out to you, you are a wonderful writer of fantasy! Okay, I'm off to do some more reading!
Good job...first time I've peeked at an acrostic. The title grabbed my interest, I'm a fellow fibro foggy friend. So, dang it all...I hate to ruin the acrostic you got going here, but you are NOT alone!! I've been struggling with this for darn near four (or is that five?) years now, so I can understand and relate to how you feel.
It's a tough one, trying to get someone to understand what they can't see. I look perfectly normal...well, almost and no one would ever guess my muscles are killin' me most of the time.
Keep your chin up...we gotta stick together. Just know someone out here knows what you're going through and understands! Email me if you like, we can rant to each other every now and again!!
I liked this...loved the ending, you did a fine job! You wrote an interesting story, it was not what I expected, but you knew that, didn't you?
I have to admit, a few of your descriptions sort of threw me.
As if frozen in amber the bustle came to a screeching halt.
Okay, maybe I'm daft tonight, but I guess I'm wondering what that means to be frozen in amber? I know, I know, go look it up. Nah, I'm too lazy right now!
Her voice raised an octave with each word and she leaped to her feet in her passion.
In her passion? I guess this word threw me a bit, I guess I read it as she was angry. Of course, one can feel passionate and angry, but the word threw off the image I had going in my mind.
He swirled his cold coffee with a rusty spoon...
Dang, a rusty spoon? Hmm...I don't know, I wouldn't eat in a restaurant with rusty spoons.
You wrote this very well. Perhaps I'm just being a picky reviewer with the comments about your description, take them or leave them, it's up to you. I like the way you set the story up, set me up as a reader. You kept me here, reading, and gave the story a twist I wasn't expecting. Wonderful!!
Keep writing, I did like this. I'll have to visit your port!
Good story with a good message, I enjoyed it! It kept me reading throughout the story. The dialogue was good, believable.
I found a couple things you might want to look at, just to polish it up a bit.
“Everything alright in there?”
Although it's commonly done, "alright" is always supposed to be "all right." There's never a time when it is "alright." This was pointed out to me awhile ago. I even researched it in some of my references to make sure I'm correct.
Punctuation should be on the inside of the quotation marks. I've learned this the hard way as well, again going to look through references to make sure the facts were correct.
Comma use! I used to always put a comma where it didn't belong until my husband, bless his heart, pointed out to me the error of my comma ways. Let me show you an example:
She also knew her looks wouldn’t last forever, and she planned on getting all she could while she still had them.
Because you have the word "and" in there and what follows could stand alone as a sentence, you don't need the comma. If you didn't have the "and" in there, a semi-colon would be necessary.
I have the inclination to put commas where I pause which is not the correct way to do it. I'm constantly asking my husband if I'm breaking the comma rules! If you like, email me and I'll give you the link to an awesome website that gives great explanations regarding comma usage. I use it a lot.
I was a tad put off by the centering of every line but perhaps that's my old way of thinking. Thanks for using a darker color font. I've seen items that use too light of a color and it's incredibly difficult to read.
Try to watch your use of the word "had." I know it's really easy to put it in as we write. I noticed some here and there that could easily be omitted without changing the sentence.
The "he said, she said" stuff gets wordy at times. I'll give you an example:
“No”, she said flatly. “If she was satisfying you at home, you wouldn’t be looking at me”, she said. Then with a laugh, she’d said, “She’s probably not much to look at, huh?”
You have "she said" three times in this section. It could easily be re-worded:
"No." she said, then laughed. "If she was satisfying you at home, you wouldn't be looking at me. She's probably not much to look at, huh?"
This is just an example, you would use your own words.
I enjoyed the story, it was good. I think with a bit of polishing up and some editing here and there, you'd have a great story!
I have to say, this is one of the best informative articles I've read that cover the "voice" of the story, whether it's first or third person.
I'm going to remember all of this when I'm writing my stories. Okay, I won't actually remember it but I'll put this in my favorites for reference purposes.
Thanks for writing and sharing these wise words with all of us. I hope you continue to share tidbits of information!
Although I understand what you were trying to do, this story needs some work. You have some sentences in need some work. Read this out loud to yourself, you can "hear" the problems with some of the sentence structure.
Also, you need to fix some contractions by putting the apostrophe in the correct place. was'nt should be wasn't. Would'nt should be Wouldn't
I was a bit taken back by the end of this short, short story. It's blunt and tragic to say the least.
I have some suggestions, take them or leave them, it's up to you. What you've written here is a scene, not a whole story. If you want the reader to feel something for this young lady, then tell us about her. Tell us about the love she had but didn't keep. Give us a glimpse into her family, her life. I can't empathize with her, I know nothing about her or her situation other than her family told her she'd end up alone. I think too, and this is just my opinion, that the suicide angle has been done to death, pardon the pun. I love to read stories of strength and victory, not death and destruction. Just my opinion, my preference.
Keep writing, keep working with this. It's too short as is, even if you keep the story line going the way you are. I can see the writer in you trying to break out!!
I'm not a poetry buff but I can say this, I know exactly what you're talking about in this poem. I miss home at times too and wish I could just "pop in" to say hello and visit for a spell.
I can't comment on rhyme, meter, or anything like that. I can tell you I thought this was good and understandable to those of us who can't make heads or tails out of some poetry. (I've been known to have it explained to me so I get it!) You wrote it well, and I know how you're feeling. I would imagine that's the purpose of the poem, for the reader to relate somehow and understand the meaning that was written into the poem.
I didn't do this for GP's, I did it because you asked on the reviewing page. I liked your poem and maybe, just maybe, I'll read more poetry now. Keep up the good writing!
What a touching story! I'm curious, is this part of your family? Oh my gosh, I'm glad I peeked into your port tonight, I would have missed this had I not done so.
I think you probably have more stories than you know stored in your brain young lady! I want them ALL! I love the way you write them. I got a very clear vision of these two fine folks and their life together.
Okay, onto the writing part of our review here! I did find some typos, but I'm sure you're well on your way to reading this again and finding them yourself. You know, I think this would merit more. I'd love to see you put some dialogue in this. Oh, I know, you probably don't know exactly what they said to each other but I think it would add so much to the telling of this. If you decide to do that, give me a holler, I'd love to read it again.
Go through, fix the mistakes and keep working with this. I really did enjoy the read! You've been a busy young lady, haven't you? I see you have more in your port I'll have to take a look at!
You've done a good job with this. Although I'm sitting here with a lot of questions, what you have written in your story was very good. I just want to know more is all, I'm sort of curious that way.
As I read this, it almost seems like a monologue more than a story, as though your writing what you're thinking. If indeed this is a story, then I do want more. I want to know the characters, I want to know the deed that went unforgiven, and I want to know what you learned! I want to know what you'll do different next time you have someone you love in your life!
Sorry, the questions just sort of popped out there, I told you I was a tad curious. I think you did a good job writing this. This sentence caught my eye, it needs a little work perhaps:
Trying to figure out how to make someone, anyone, listen to one single word that I was trying to say.
Again, it's as thought your writing what your thinking. I think I'd start this with "I was" or something similar.
Often drenching my heart and allowing the words to slide effortlessly from my lips.
This sentence also needs some reworking.
I liked this, it merits more if you indeed want to make it a story. Like I said earlier, I'm curious, as are many readers. We like to know everything!
Keep writing and please let me know if you work with this more, I'd love to read it.
I read this a couple of days ago, didn't have time to review it, but I'm back now with time to make some comments. I see you're new to Writing.Com so I want to say welcome, and I hope you enjoy everything you find here. It's a wonderful site! That being said, let's move on to the review!
This is interesting. You've led a rather full life thus far as far as relationships I'm thinking. I think it's a good thing you now know you don't know everything, life is full of learning opportunities, no matter what your age or how many relationships you've had. I think the trick is to learn from them and take that knowledge into the next one.
I was a bit bogged down in the numbers I have to say. This reminds me of the song by Paul Simon, Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover! I hope you aren't going for fifty!
This didn't quite make sense to me, cry and break your heart like a coffee cake Where you trying to say a heart breaks apart like coffee cake, or coffee cake can break your heart? I hope it's not the later, I've never yet met a coffee cake that could break anyone's heart. Work with that a bit, see if you can't find a different way to say what you want to say.
The reason I came back to this is this. There are two ways I think you could go with this. One is you could turn it into a humorous piece of writing, finding some humor in the many ways to say good bye, or you could expand more, give us more to latch onto so to speak, about how all these different ways affected you. This is a summary of your goodbyes, but it's without too much emotion, giving me the impression they didn't mean a whole lot to you.
I could be way off the mark here, who knows. These are simply the comments of a reader who thought this piece of writing had some potential, one way or another. Keep writing, keep working with it. I'd love to hear what you plan to do, if anything. If you do re-write it, let me know, I'd like to read it again if it changes.
About the only thing I'd like to see is more about what she was thinking and more description regarding his reactions to her request. Although it's fun the way it reads, I think you could add a lot to it if you went into more detail about those two things.
It would have been fun to hear what he had to say after she left, don't you think?
Good for you, you're writing! Looks to me that so far, you're putting your words down just fine. It takes some time to get used to everything here at Writing.Com, but you'll find your way around in no time I'm sure. There are lots of friendly folks just waiting to help anyone who needs it.
You know what? Writing on the computer does seem almost magical to me. I find all of this quite overwhelming if I think about it too much. Technology is certainly a wonderful tool.
I'm looking forward to reading some of your stories. So, that being said, get to writing my friend, and we'll meet up again when you have another item posted!
Very interesting story you have going here! You've got my interest, now I hope you continue on with it.
As far as the writing itself goes, you say this is a work in progress, so I know you'll be doing some editing. It makes for an easier read if you separate your paragraphs with an extra line. My suggestion to you is to read through this out loud. I find this to be one of the best tools there is to "hearing" how your writing sounds, and where it needs some work. I do it quite a lot. I also read it to my husband and have him read it as well. I have a difficult time editing my own writing, and he's a huge help with grammar and punctuation.
I really do encourage you to keep writing this story. I found it intereting and I'd love to read more when you have it finished. You're doing a super job so far!
What a wonderful subject to explore, chocolate!! I had to read this. Chocolate is one of the major food groups in my world, so I can never know enough about it, or where to find the best of the best.
Whew! Okay, what drew me to this is I like football. I like the idea of your story, I really do. You have a kid from a less than perfect setting, and he's your main character. He's spotted by a coach, and drafted into the local football team. I don't know if it's for a school or what, but a good concept.
While I understand Lewis is the main character in your story, I read his name more times than I can count. In chapter one alone, I counted 44 times give or take one or two. You really don't need to put his name before everything he does. Let me show you what I mean:
Lewis walked down Miller St. toward his house
(which looked like Godzilla ate it chewed a few times and spat it out). Lewis lived with a poor family that couldn’t even afford a new pair of shoes for Lewis. Lewis had a pair of shoes that looked like it came from the dump. Lewis walked in his front door walked in his living room (15 steps from the door) and fell onto the couch.
“Mom what’s for dinner?” Lewis asked as he turned on the television (which was as big as a computer).
“A little chicken and beans,” Lewis’s mom replied. Lewis sighed.
That's your writing. Let's see if we can clean this up a tad and make it more readable.
Lewis walked down Miller street towards his home. It looked like Godzilla ate it, chewed a few times, then spat it out. Lewis' family was poor and they didn't have the money to even buy him a new pair of shoes. To him, his shoes looked like they came out of a dump. Lewis walked in the door and right into the living room, which was only fifteen steps away, and plopped down on the couch.
"Mom, what's for dinner?" He asked as he turned on the small television set.
"A little chicken and some beans." His mother replied. Lewis let out a heavy sigh.
Now, of course you'd write this your own way. This was just for example. My point is, you don't need to mention Lewis' name every time he does something. We knew he's the main character. When you introduce a new character, such as his sister, it's great to tell us her name and let us know who she is.
Try re-writing this without using his name so often. I think even you'll find it flows better and is easier to read.
So, you introduce Dante at the end huh? Would that be my favorite quarterback who plays with the Minnesota Vikings per chance??
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Josh ordered a grilled ham and cheese and a large Diet Coke.
Josh ordered a grilled ham and cheese along with a Diet Coke. 
As I read this, I wondered if there wasn't a way to make their thoughts stand out from their actions or the description of what they're doing. Perhaps put the thoughts in italics? 
In the beginning, it's as though John is just a friend, someone she talks to about Larry. I'm having difficulty with some of the dialogue...do you think it's realistic for her to say to John..."He won't even touch me now..." then proceed to arrange another meeting? Although the purpose of the meaning is never stated, it's heavily implied at the end of the story.
Does Larry really keep a six pack of beer in the bathroom? Would Sharon really call John with Larry so close? 