\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/cobe
Review Requests: OFF
184 Public Reviews Given
337 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 ... Next
1
1
Review of Fading Light  Open in new Window.
Review by Cobe Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Nice. It is emotional. Made me tear up. I like that we start with the memory and fade into the present. It works well!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
2
2
Review by Cobe Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, here to give you a surprise review for Game of Thrones on this short story!

I like the feel of this piece and the idea behind it. I realize it was written in a short period of time and it's great for that.

I'd like to see it expanded upon though. I feel like I just get started into the story and it's over without a real conclusion. It all just seems like a dream, somehow.

She begins by lamenting that she's not like everyone else, then goes into a scene with her mum, flashbacks to two scenes (or is it three) with other friends, and then she's leaving for South America. She wants something different in life and is willing to take the risk so what is her inner conflict? Or is the only conflict that with her mother which isn't really resolved? It ends, yes, because she doesn't give her mother a choice about what's she's doing, but it isn't resolved.

On a grammar note, Try to break up your paragraphing into smaller segments to help the reader keep clear on what is happening with who.

I enjoyed reading this as I actually did take off and travel the world as a young woman so it brought back memories to me. Thanks you for sharing it!

reviewer: Cobe Author IconMail Icon
House Baratheon
"King's Landing updating Open in new Window.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
3
3
Review of Time  Open in new Window.
Review by Cobe Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi, I'm here to give you a surprise review for Game of Thrones.

I'm not a poetry reviewer normally so I'll do my best to give you my thoughts.

This is rather melancholic. Time can be seen in so many ways and yet you've chosen to show it as almost a terrifying thing. Words like liquid glass, dreary days, swollen with tears, all set the mood as heavy and painful and sad. It seems like this is being told from the viewpoint of maybe an older person that life has treated badly or a younger person with too many expectations that aren't being met.

Or it could be a poem meant to describe the passage of time after someone beloved has died ... like a story of mourning.

The ending is both hopeful and dreary though. "I wait endlessly for it to pass" could show that the narrator is hopeful that it will pass and something new will take it's place but then they go on to say they are fearful that day will come and they will miss it.

You've chosen to tackle a long standing enduring subject with this poem and I applaud your effort. It certainly has a consistent mood and it flows nicely from beginning to end. I enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing!

reviewer: Cobe Author IconMail Icon
House Baratheon
"King's Landing updating Open in new Window.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
4
4
Review by Cobe Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, I found this piece on the read and review page and it sounded interesting.

In General: It's an interesting flash fiction story that has a nice twist at the end. The imagery is well done and the actions of the character are realistic.

I know you wrote this for a contest so you may not be looking at revising it but I think it has great potential to be fleshed out some.

I'd like to see some dialog in this. Maybe she addresses the statue or someone speaks to her as she's throwing off her clothing. I know in flash fiction it's hard to get everything in but some of the language you used could be shortened a great deal.

For example: "The gentle breeze and abundant sunshine both flowed over her." Could be shortened to something like "It was windy and sunny." Usually in flash fiction the first thing you take out is adjectives and details of setting descriptions to make room for more telling of the story.

I only noticed one thing grammatically I'd change and that is where you repeat that her joints were stiffening.

Overall: I enjoyed reading this. Thank you for sharing it with us.

reviewer: Cobe Author IconMail Icon
House Baratheon
"King's Landing updating Open in new Window.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
5
5
Review by Cobe Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, I found this on the read and review page and it sounded interesting to me.

In General: This is well written and draws the reader through it easily from beginning to end. I smiled at the surprise ending. Well done.

Your characters are believable and fleshed out well enough for a short story like this. If anything I would have liked names for the co-workers who were talking about setting her up in the bathroom stall. It easier to keep track of who is saying what with names.

Two things I'd change here - one, the ending scene seems to go on a little bit long and becomes rather repetitive. We get it, everything hurts to move. It didn't bother me too much but the toothbrush part was a little over the top. Two, I was confused about the order of the story. You start out by telling us that she has lost twenty pounds and then you go into the scene in the bathroom with the co-workers and then you jump back to she's lost twenty pounds but I missed the transitions there. I take it the scene with the co-workers was a flashback, right? I'd either make that really clear or I'd do that scene first and then talk about her losing weight.

Overall: Not much needs to be fixed here and I enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing!

reviewer: Cobe Author IconMail Icon
House Baratheon
"King's Landing updating Open in new Window.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
6
6
Review of The Void  Open in new Window.
Review by Cobe Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi I found your piece on the "please review" page and I like dark, suspenseful things so thought I'd give it a review.

In General: The tale is good overall, I think. It holds together well and is believable. My biggest issues with it are stylistic more than anything.

Starting out with dialog that is nameless and faceless isn't great. Readers connect with a character and in this case we don't have a character to connect with ... just a random voice speaking. If this were a script, it would be fine but for literary work the reader needs something else. Usually staring with a character doing some action is best. So, maybe we see the boy at the pond with his friends. Maybe he is actually scooping up a handful of the water.

Also, long paragraphs are a huge turn off to readers. Try to pare down the paragraphs that are pure tale reciting by breaking them into a smaller action blurbs. Change anytime you change characters, or focus of the action.

And in dialog, don't forget to use some tags and beats to help the reader remember who is talking. If a reader gets confused about who is saying what it can alter the meaning of the story.

Thanks for the sharing this and I hope you continue to work on it. *Bigsmile*

House Baratheon
"King's Landing updating Open in new Window.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
7
7
Review by Cobe Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi, I chose to review this because I like scary suspenseful stories.

In General: This has potential to be a haunting story. The idea behind it is great and the juxtaposition of young eager boys on the verge of becoming Boy Scouts with facing the tales of a scary camping adventure is a good set up. But the details, writing style, and voice need work to make this read as you intend.

Character: The beginning of any story needs to introduce the reader to the MC (main character). The purpose is to connect the reader to that character on an emotional level. If the reader doesn't care about the character then there isn't any point for them to read on.

The problem here is that you haven't really introduced us to anyone in particular. You've given us an overall picture of all the characters, like setting up a list of actors in a play, so we don't have a sense of who the story is about. You need to pick ONE character to tell the story and then "show" us everything through that one character's viewpoint. Rather than "telling" us everything from an omniscient POV.

Setting: Setting is important in all stories but particularly in horror/suspense stories like this. It gives us the mood and "shows" the reader things to enhance the level of discomfort the reader feels. You haven't really shown us the setting at all.

Suggestions: Pick one character and show us the story through their eyes. Add setting details to help the "creepy" factor. Stretch this out so you aren't giving us summaries of what happened. Check your details - Weebeloes have all been camping before and they've certainly seen squirrels and deer unless this is an alternative universe. Watch the repeats of information. Above all, "show" us this story instead of "telling" it.

I really do think this has lots of potential and is a great idea. Keep going with it! *Bigsmile*

reviewer: Cobe Author IconMail Icon
House Baratheon
"King's Landing updating Open in new Window.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
8
8
Review of Coffee Shop  Open in new Window.
Review by Cobe Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
In General: This has some beautiful imagery. I really got into this character's head and could feel the transition from day-dreaming into reality. Nice job! *Bigsmile*

Setting: You have just enough nuance to give us a setting, a coffee shop. The table, chair, etc ... without it being overwhelming. I was confused about the "slush" on the floor though. That part made no sense.

Character: I felt like I was inside this character's head ... and I followed her thought pattern well ... but to be a whole story she needs to have a name so I can connect with her, feel for her, have some sort of empathy with her. Nameless doesn't work for me. In this case it would be easy to add it in during the dialog. The other person could address her by name. Or you could simply name her in the beginning.

Conflict: You're tried to add some conflict to this by interjecting some "answer" she is looking for. The problem for me is that I don't know the question so I don't care about the answer. And since I don't care about the answer, the ending hook falls flat. Maybe she could restate the question in the beginning somewhere so the reader has an idea of what she's looking for.

Overall: There is some nice writing in this piece. I like the voice and being pulled into the thought cycle but wish there was a conflict I could connect with and a character with a name.

Thanks for sharing your work with us!

Cobe Author IconMail Icon
House Baratheon
"King's Landing updating Open in new Window.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
9
9
Review of The Turtle  Open in new Window.
Review by Cobe Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, I like your narrative tales so I'm here to give you another review.

In general: This one has a much stronger narrative voice than the last one I read. It holds together better and flows very well. I was captivated by the bits of tension that arose as each animal dove a little further and little further until the goal was achieved in the end. I love that this is a tale of the first people on earth and how it became covered with land.

Characters: I'm curious as to how there is a gopher in this story as gophers are entirely land animals, not water creatures. I know this a tale your grandmother told you, as I read, but I just found it kind of odd that she used a gopher instead of some kind of fish.

While I followed this story well, and it made an impression in my mind, I was a bit confused by First Woman having handfuls of seeds and roots to plant at the end. I caught that she had the tree root in her hand at the beginning but you don't mention any seeds so those seem to come out of nowhere. Maybe if we saw her clawing at the sides of the hole earlier on, grabbing hold of all manners of seeds and roots, the ending would make a little more sense. It's like in a murder mystery ... the killer can't suddenly grab a knife from nowhere and stab a person. The knife has to be present in the scene first.

Anyway, very minor changes really. It is really a lovely piece of writing and great story.

Thank you for sharing!! *Bigsmile*

Cobe Author IconMail Icon
House Baratheon
"King's Landing updating Open in new Window.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
10
10
Review of Anomanunka  Open in new Window.
Review by Cobe Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, I picked this to review because I am fascinated by Native American legends.

In General: The story reads true to a legend. I don't know if you've made this up or heard it somewhere so I'm not sure how far to critique that part. It does fall a little flat for me because most of the story seems to be about him holding out hope for getting his wife back and yet that has nothing to do with the ending. I'd like to see it longer, with a more details in it to capture my imagination.

Setting: You mention certain things like a long hut and the pole, but we don't get any descriptions of these things or what purpose they serve. For the reader to grasp what "the pole" experience is like they need to know what it is to begin with and why being tied to it is an ordeal to be faced.

Characters: While I think it's fine for the chief to be just the chief, the man and woman need names so that we can connect to them in some way. Right now they are nameless and faceless which doesn't allow a reader to connect with them and have any emotional ties. When readers connect emotionally with characters, they take the experience of the story well beyond the end. It sticks in their mind.

Voice: This is written in an omniscient narrator voice which is fine, I think, for telling of tales but it has a tendency to keep us from connecting with the story on a deeper level. In this case, I'd like to see this with a stronger narrative voice. Be the Indian chief sitting around the campfire telling this tale to the younger ones gathered around. Get into his head and then this will shine and captivate.

Overall: I like it. I'd like to see it added to though and with a stronger voice. Thanks for sharing it with us!

Cobe Author IconMail Icon
House Baratheon
"King's Landing updating Open in new Window.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
11
11
Review of Waiting Room  Open in new Window.
Review by Cobe Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I chose to review this because I love writing horror.

*Check3* In General: You have a good start to a horror story and a lot of elements that are often found in a horror story. Flickering lights, thumping sounds, mysterious happenings, someone going mad ... maybe. You've also set up a plausible scenario and gave it a twist. Those things are great! *Bigsmile*

*Check4* Characters: You have two characters and others referred to. But no one has a name and we know nothing about either of them. Problem is ... a reader needs a character to identify with, feel sorry for, root for, cheer on, hate, love, etc ... so we need to know a little more about who this character is. We don't even know if the MC is male of female. Are they a college student? or are they just an unemployed bum looking for money? Whoever this character is, the reader needs to be able to feel something for them AND because you've written this in 1st person it would serve the story well to make them unreliable to add the overall feel of "going crazy".

For example - if this is a college student, we might assume that they are relatively intelligent and therefore believable but maybe a bit naive. But, if this is a bum looking for money, we might assume they are homeless, sleep deprived, hungry, and already mentally ill and therefore we can't believe anything they are saying.

*Check5* Plot - You have a starting place and a middle, but you don't have a conclusion. I struggle with this too. It is very tempting to want to leave the reader hanging and imagining the "worst" ... but it is so much more satisfying to actually bring everything to a horrifying conclusion that makes the reader drop the book, push it away, and shudder everytime they think of it. Remember to have a story you must have a beginning, a middle, and an end.

Overall I think you have the bones of a good horror story. If you address the character issues and plot points in your next draft, you will be well on your way to having a great little story.

reviewer: Cobe Author IconMail Icon
House Baratheon
"King's Landing updating Open in new Window.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
12
12
for entry "Invalid EntryOpen in new Window.
Review by Cobe Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Author: Nixie🦊 Author IconMail Icon
Reviewer: Cobe Author IconMail Icon

Hi, *Smile* I'm here to give you a review for your winning package! Since I've never reviewed you before I'll tell you how I go about it. First, I read through making notes as I go along in green. Then I go back and look for editing issues of dialog, voice, grammar, etc and correct those in red. Once I'm done with that, I'll fill out my form at the top and make suggestions.

I typically look for ways to clean up wordiness and maintain voice.

Anything highlighted in blue is your original work.

*Bulletr*General Impressions :The idea behind the story is interesting and engaging and unique. I like the thought of the twins sharing this "other" world and using an outside force, like lightening, is a good catalyst, but using lightning or electricity to force the change is a little cliche (been done a lot).

*Delight*Favorite Parts : The images she has of her sister's space.

*Bulletr*Characters :Kiska - protagonist ... A writer with a dead twin sister ... although I only know that because it's in a side note to the publisher.

Peerless - a cat

Jude - dead twin sister that appears to her after a lightning strike

While the characters are fine, and you don't want to get hung up in details about characters in the beginning, they need something about them to make them unique. I have no idea who Kiska is other than a writer with a dead twin sister. With Jude we get a little bit of poking at her sister which gives us a little insight into her character.

*Bulletr*Hook: This is great. Having your character questioning what in the world is going on compels the reader to keep reading to find out.

*Bulletr*Plot : I'm not really sure yet where this is going.

*Bulletr*Setting : A house ... this could really be boosted a LOT. We get more knowledge of what the dead sisters imaginary world looks like that we do of the real world.

*Bulletr*Dialog : This needs some work. I was confused a lot of the time as to who was saying what. Make sure each character has their own paragraph and that beats and tags are linked with the correct dialog.

*Bulletr*Voice: First person ... but you lapse into omniscient and a lot of this is passive with you telling us the story instead of showing.

*Exclaim*Suggestions:
1. I won't mix words here. I dislike prologues. If the information is important enough that the reader needs to know it to understand the book, then it needs to be in the book. If the information is not important to the reader understanding the book, then why put it in in the first place?? Unless a prologue is only a couple of paragraphs, I don't read them at all in published novels. Most people don't. I would seriously look at how this information can be incorporated into the story if it needs to be there.

2. Your character Kiska seems to try to explain everything ... without actually explaining them and it makes the prose wordy and interrupts the flow of the storyline. It almost seems like you're not sure that the reader will understand why your character is doing what she is doing so you added a phrase to explain it. You don't need to do that. It's confusing and becomes redundant. Let your character do things and let the reader assume why.

The whole finger in the mouth thing was bizarre. I think you were trying to make it that water conducts electricity and somehow intensified the reaction of the lightening ... but she would have to have licked her finger before she touches the light switch for that to happen so the whole water subduing pain doesn't make sense.

We do need to hear her thoughts, but those should be emotionally driven things. Things like "I wish my sister was here." or "Why did Jude leave me alone to figure this all out?" would give us insight into who Kiska is and what her emotional state might be. "Water subdues pain" doesn't help us understand her at all.

3. Is the portion to the publisher supposed to be a synopsis? Query? summary? First, it doesn't go in the prologue to the book. Second, it's really confusing because it doesn't tell us what is happening in the book. Personally, I hate writing synopsis. Every time I go online and look up examples, find one I like, and use it as a template for my own.

*Exclaim*Grammar: Nothing glaringly stands out.
*Flagg*Line-by-line:

For the publisher


Kiska Romanov's twin sister, Jude, died one year ago. When she reappears as a supernatural force, Jude sets out to alter her sister's life to bring about one outcome—the saving of a boy named Quentin. Knitting realities together, Jude ensures Kiska's unfinished novel is published by Lightning Enterprises. The next morning, Kiska receives a phone call from Mr. Ryker, infuriated because the names of his private staff are characters in the novel, Lightning Strike the Soul.


Kiska knows her sister, Jude, is responsible for the 'breach in security.'


Mick Ryker's a domineering man who never takes no for an answer, even when Kiska can't divulge the truth. Mick's keeping his past from Kiska, and her quest for answers pushes him beyond endurance. To save him, Kiska must move beyond her ordinary life and accept the reality of Mick's alien existence.


"You won't find normalcy here, and you're too afraid to believe in what you can't see." He whirls around and faces me. "So, leave. Just leave like you've wanted since the moment you arrived."


Guided by her sister, Kiska enters the Collective Unconscious to find her lover. Will she be able to find Mick again? And, ultimately, save Quentin, a boy of multiple realities?


I'm honestly confused by this section. You start out telling us that the one goal is to save the boy Quentin but then nothing else seems to have anything to do with him until the last line again. What does Quentin have to do with Kiska or Jude? And how does Ryker fit in to any of this? Why do we need to know what kind of man he is in this part? Kiska and Jude are the main characters and we don't even know what they're like so delving into Ryker seems odd. And is he a man or an alien? And what is the Collective Unconscious?


Prologue


Supernatural Sisters


It takes incredible strength to survive the conflicts of the mind, and tonight it's a full-scale battle for me. Blooms of light explode behind my eyes, and my fingers attempt to rub out the burning exhaustion. The blooms fascinate me, but the explosions intensify the burning. I flex and gasp at the stabbing pains between my shoulders. My brain's on fire writing, and there's no stopping the momentum.


In fact, my story reads so hot, I'm aroused. My characters are sparring with sexual innuendos. Sparks are flying and I keep writing to see if Ryker walks out on Sybil, or Sybil slaps him. Will they collapse on the floor and do the wild thing? Wait, Sybil's got whipped cream, and she's . . . she's . . . My mind blanks.


Take a break, Little. Get some sleep.


Everyone has a little voice in their head. Mine happens to be my twin sister, Jude, who died last year. Grief transcends the theory of time, and every day feels like the day she died. I know she's helping me write the book, but it's not like the words disappear when we're not working together. paragraph Jude? With my fingers drumming on the desk top, I will the story to return but Sybil and Mick have disappeared, taking my plot hostage. Ian Blake, Mick's assistant remains aloof, the bisexual Holly turns away—even the dependable Daphne refuses to speak. paragraph My sister's right. Sans her professional editorial help, I falter. I wonder, not for the first time, if she's working through me to complete a book her abrupt demise interrupted.


I cast a gaze toward my cat, Peerless, who is sleeping in the middle of a stack of laundered clothes I have yet to put away. He is my constant companion, my best friend.


"Peerless? Any thoughts?" One eye opens while he considers my request This is omniscient voice. In 1st person or 3rd person we can see the actions of other characters but only know the thoughts and reasoning of the protagonist., but he yawns and goes back to sleep.


I pace around the apartment for a few minutes, knocking my head against the wall and shaking my hands, but no words tumble from my rattled brain to my fingertips. The computer's cursor blinks in accusation. In self-defense, I turn it to sleep mode and close the top, but it's impossible to leave it behind—a not uncommon relationship forged between authors and laptops, or so I convince myself. I tuck it under one arm. I'd change the first top to screen or just it.


"Thanks for nothing, Peerless," I call out over my shoulder. He's nearly deaf, so I can say whatever. With flashing fingers behind me—a rudimentary sign language— Honestly, I'm not even sure what the beginning clause means. I'd leave it out. Just say the end bit.I sign: I love you, too.


The clock's striking midnight, so I trudge up the stairs, toss the laptop on the bed, and curl up next to it.


Light explodes outside the window, illuminating the apartment like a thousand stars gone rogue. Shielding my eyes, I slip from the bed trying not to wake Peerless whose body is pooled around my feet and creep toward the window. Peerless Just use a pronoun here. thumps from the bed to the floor—it's not easy being graceful when you weigh twenty-five pounds. A triple bolt of green lightning shears the sky—it's a bizarre phenomenon—snow is falling This makes no sense. You're talking about lightening and then bounce to snow and then back to lightening again. Just stick with describing the lightening.. One crazed fork hits the transformer, the explosion knocks me off my feet and my head smacks the wall. Peerless bolts from the room. Every time you switch characters, you should switch paragraph. So you might look at restructuring this so you aren't jumping back and forth between the person and the cat. It interrupts the flow and pulls the reader out of the action.


From the floor, I watch a spattering of sparks snap and sizzle and then dim and fade, extinguishing all illumination. I reach for the light switch, but a green snap of electricity zaps me. Shaking the shocked finger, I pop it in my mouth, an instinctive reflex because water subdues pain. The soft hair on my arm rises. A whooshing sound like a train passing through deafens me. Since when does water subdue pain? Is she being struck by lightening running through the house? If she's already been zapped by the lightening, it would have dissipated and no longer be a threat. If it's run through the house, unless she's in a remote cabin somewhere (which I doubt because there's a transformer out her window) the house would be grounded and the initial burst of electricity would be gone.



Silence crashes. We have her being deafened and now silence crashes. You don't need both.


Lights flicker and flash, the energy-charged air shimmers. Walls expand and contract, losing definition, and I hear a familiar voice in my head. I would leave out the previous paragraph and move directly from her being knocked to the floor, to this.


Little.


I open my eyes and gasp. Evidently, Jude's capable of creating visual illusions, or I'm delusional, and that's why I see her sitting at a desk in a virtual office. I still feel her presence in my bones, my marrow, and my soul. If she's visible, maybe she can hear. "Got tired of living in my bones?"


"Yes, the marrow's soft, but the bones poke."


My sister's unmistakable dry humor comforts me.
This goes with the paragraph before. "You're not a voice, anymore."


"Ah, you always were the Mistress of the Obvious."


"Totally not funny."


"Okay, sorry. It's easier to work as a team when I have my own desk." Her mouth quirks up on one side. "Nice place you have here." She glances around the room. "Old . . . but I like it, Little."


"I see you fabricated a complete . . . office."


Her shimmering desk floats near the window in her virtual conference room. Pinpricks of starry eyes blink against an inky sky. Like sci-fi, or fantasy. The effect is disconcerting, but she always was the creative one. Her PC sits open on the desk. It's newer than mine, which hardly seems fair.


"Which one of us is writing the book?" She's a spectral image, not a solid physical body. She types using her mind? Mind-types?


"Both of us." I have no idea who is talking in these two quotes.


Working with my dead sister poses serious mental issues. In fact, I'm overly dramatic and fear for my mental stability No one thinks like this. She might think "Am I going mad? Am I really seeing this? What's happened to me? but no one says to themselves "I fear for my mental stability.". It's as if she reads my mind.


"You're not going to end up in a loony bin. Don't worry."


"Easy for you to say, you're already dead."


"Little, when you answer the phone tomorrow, remember where I was before the . . . the incident."


"Answer the phone? Someone's calling me?" This is nuts. "I . . . um . . . you were working in Syracuse as an editor. You talked about a book you were working on."


"Exactly. See, it all makes sense now."


"Seriously?"


"Yes, Mick Ryker will call you."


"He's a character in my . . . our book, Jude. Not a real person."


"Oh, he's real, alright. I'm surprised you don't recognize the name."


"You're driving me insane."


"He might question the names of the characters in the novel."


"Because—"


"You'll think of an explanation."


"You're guaranteeing this Ryker guy calls tomorrow. You alter the future?"


She laughs and walks away from her desk, her feet hovering a few inches above the floor. "Observe." She sweeps the room with her arm and a river appears next to my feet.


It has to be an illusion, but
I stumble backward and fall on my ass.


The river is turbulent, rushing and churning, flowing steady, These two phrases contradict one another ... turbulent and churning but steady??? and cascading over a cliff all at the same time. I try to pin down thoughts tickling my brain.


"Time isn't a straight line?" Who says this?


"Forget time. It's merely a physical construct used to frame your universe. I'm able to operate without those constraints."


"So, you traveled from the past into my present and changed the future?"


"Cool, huh?"


"Cool, nothing. This isn't happening, you're not here, and it's not possible." As if words create reality, Jude dissipates.


I check my watch. Midnight. She's right. No time has passed. My body twitches, releasing tension, and an uneasy sleep dims my consciousness. It's almost a relief, but I feel guilty as if I'm rejecting my sister's . . . whatever she's offering. Companionship? She'll follow me around and hang out? Tossing and turning, fist-beating pillows, kicking away covers, nothing helps me drift into a deeper sleep. Jude's always in my mind. How did she get in bed with pillows and covers??? She was laying on the floor from where she'd been knocked down and she hasn't moved since.


"Little?"


I'm wide awake. My back is pressed against the headboard, covers pulled up to my chin and clutched with fisted hands.


"Sorry to disturb you, but you thought me away before I finished."


Jude's added more plants to her desk and the stack of books is higher. This line goes with the dialog above. "I'm racking my brain, searched the internet for any references, but still came up empty. You died. How can you be here?" When did she search the internet. She's been trying to sleep, wakes up, sits up, and clutches the blankets. ?????


"I can transfer from energy to matter, but it drains me. Kiska, in part, your love keeps me here. I exist in others' memories, but yours are the most defined. When you meet and fall in love with Mick Ryker, all our destinies will change.


"Again, with the Mick Ryker." Her cryptic words baffle me. "How will I find you?"


She's returned to her chair, wearing her wry smile. Behind her desk she's tacked a poster of the "New York Giants" football team. Actually, the picture hovers, but it's obvious she believes it's pinned to her wall like her room on Taber Road where we grew up.


A blink and the scene changes. Now, my little brother is seated in her lap, surrounded by dozens of teddy bears. It's a picture from my mind. My reality's at stake here. Her desk dangles from a midnight sky. Is she projecting these images, these conversations, into my reality or have I entered hers?


"The answers will come to you. Think of me tomorrow, and I'll be there for you. Gotta go."


And then she's gone. People who take weird occurrences as normal need doctors, doctors writing prescriptions. What would a shrink think if I told him I have a supernatural sister? They say twins are linked in a unique way, beyond death, apparently. Jude intentionally smashed my world into Mick Ryker's. Why?


Right before my body lapses into blessed sleep, I wonder where Jude is, exactly. An alternate universe, through a wormhole, up a tree?



*Starb*These are just my thoughts and ideas as I read this piece and are intended to help. Please use what you can and ignore the rest. You know what is best for your story.*Smile*

I hope this is useful. Happy Writing!
Cobe Author IconMail Icon


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
13
13
Review by Cobe Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Author:Cinn Author IconMail Icon
Reviewer: Cobe Author IconMail Icon

Hi! I'm here to give you a review as part of your Showering Acts of Joy package during our "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

*Bulletr*General Impressions :I chose to review this story because I'm a diehard Alice fan so the title captivated me. Then as I began the story, I also identified with the baby sitter as I baby sat many many many children as a teenager. Two little boys I cared for often I told the story about the cat from Saturn that was only a head, like the Cheshire cat. After that I had to make up more and more of the tale each time I was there. So, your tale made me reminiscent of those days.

It was believable and it flowed well. The characters motivation seems genuine as well. Saving money for a car was a teenage right of passage in my day.

The only thing I wished it had more of was setting details. I know in short stories setting tends to get put on the back burner in favor of storyline, but just a few words or phrases here and there would have made this setting pop.

*Delight*Favorite Parts :I really liked the bantor between the child and the babysitter while she was telling the tale. It was very realistic and fun. *Bigsmile*

*Bulletr*Characters :
1.Debbie is a babysitter saving up to buy a car of her own. A few details of what she looked like would be helpful. These don't have to be anything big.

For example: "Relieved that she could rest a while longer, Debbie grinned at the little girl..."
You could add: "Relieved that she could rest a while longer, Debbie tucked her blond hair behind her ear and grinned..."

It's not a big thing but it gives the reader an idea of what she looked like.

You did a great job of using this here: "Soft red curls bouncing, Julie shook her head.“

2. Julie is a little girl who seems mischievous as all children are with babysitters. I would like to have seen how old she was somehow. A child of four acts differently than a child of eight or ten. It wasn't a big deal to the storyline, but it can add depth to the story details.

*Bulletr*Hook: This doesn't have a hook like a mystery or a thriller novel would that's action packed edge of the seat stuff, but it does have an intriguing idea in it - that of telling a story instead of reading it. That is quite a challenge and allows the story itself to be a mystery to the reader. Good job!

*Bulletr*Plot : A teenager girl is baby sitting a little girl. Exhausted from playing hide and seek, she wants to rest and convinces the little girl to end the game by promising to "tell" her the story of Alice in Wonderland. But the little girl doesn't have the book to read, so the teenager makes up her own version with just enough similarities to hold the child's interest, but with enough silliness to engage her imagination. In the end, the little girl is happy and asked her father to tell the new version of the story and the baby sitter leaves with more money towards her goal of buying a car.

*Bulletr*Setting : This takes place in a families home. We are shown things like the "overstuffed couch" and the "hall closet" is referred to but otherwise details are pretty sketchy.

This is the one area where I think the story needs work. But, like adding details of characters features, details of the house don't have to be big or complicated to add.

For example: "Scrambling over the back of the couch like a crab, Julie plopped onto the cushion..."

Might be written: "Julie scrambled over the leather couch like a crab, plopped down next to Debbie, and tucked her ragged blanket under her chin."

Not only does it give some description of what the couch was like but it also gives the scene a prop for the child. The blanket could be a teddy bear or a heart shaped pillow or a stuffed caterpillar, even. Whatever would add to the who the child is.

Small setting details bring the reader into the storyline and make the scene seem realistic to them. Using the five senses really helps to show the story.

*Bulletr*Dialog :Most of the dialog is great in this. The bantor back and forth between Debbie and Julie is perfect. It could have been plucked from one of my own babysitting adventures even.

In a few places, I might separate the dialog from the beat line though as it almost gets lost.
For example: "Thinking once more of the car that soon would be hers, Debbie decided it was worth a shot. Mr. Emerson always gave a big tip if Julie was happy when he got home, and the time was almost up. “Oh alright! Come sit with me.”

Separating the beat, would give more emphasis to the spoken line and keep it from being lost in the story.

*Exclaim*Suggestions: Make sure to give each character their own paragraph to keep the reader from becoming confused by who is doing or saying what. In your first paragraph, you show us Debbie actions and then move right into Julie's actions without changing paragraphs.

Exclamation points should be reserved for things that are really big and exciting or spoken in anger, etc. You use them liberally throughout this which makes them have little meaning in context.

*Exclaim*Grammar: I think your grammar is good beyond the exclamation marks and the paragraphing structure I already mentioned. Good job here!



*Starb*These are just my thoughts and ideas as I read this piece and are intended to help. Please use what you can and ignore the rest. You know what is best for your story.*Smile*

I hope this is useful. Happy Writing!
Cobe Author IconMail Icon

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
14
14
Review by Cobe Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Author: brom21 Author IconMail Icon
Reviewer: Cobe Author IconMail Icon

In General
The idea behind this story is intriguing and has the promise to be a great story. I like the idea of the temple being underground. The ancient language that no one speaks is also a great element.

Characters
Dr. Wind and Nathan ... I think the personas you're trying to capture with these two is right on. Having a professor and a young man together is classic, time honored literature/movie technique that is intriguing to a wide audience.

But, they both seem cliche and don't really have personalities of their own that the reader can connect with. The reader needs a reason to empathize with these characters, but those reasons can't be forced. So, maybe Nathan reads a plaque on the wall of Dr. Wind's office that tells us he won an award for linguistics in something, but we hear in Dr. Wind's voice that it means nothing if he can't solve this new problem. Then we know that Dr. Wind has accolades in his chosen field and we know that he feels pressure to achieve great things but doesn't feel he's worthy.

Voice
This is omniscient ... which would be fine if this were a piece of Victorian fiction or Steampunk. But it's more Sci-fi than anything. 90+% of all literature that is published nowadays is written in 3rd person limited or 1st person. This would work well in either of those.

These are examples of omniscient voice:
"The two individuals were mystified as an opening in the ground appeared along with a stone staircase leading down into a tunnel."
"As they continued, the rocky terrain wore at the tires."
" Cathedrals of varying size decorated the long walkways that were now filled with bewildered humans."


3rd person limited is written from the viewpoint of one character so that the reader sees, feels, hears, smells, tastes, etc what that character does. For example maybe something like this:

"Dr. Wind stood in the entry to the Cathedral and gazed at the spires of stone surrounding him. The yellow rock glowed with an ebb and flow like a candle flame. He touched a column beside him, wondering if it was hot. Grit from the sandy stone covered his hand making it glow, too."

The trick is to show only what the main character (mc) experiences with their five senses or thinks. They can't read other people's minds or see through walls or around corners or know what the future holds.

This kind of voice gives the reader a glimpse into the mind of one character intimately which allows the reader to connect with them and be drawn through the story in a fluid motion.

Suggestions
1. It's okay to use conjunctions in your writing, especially in spoken text. Most people, unless they have a speech issue use conjunctions all the time without thinking. Quotes like these:

“That is where I am baffled.”
“I did not think this cathedral would be so deep. It must be enormous,” said Nathan.


"That's ..." and "... didn't ..." seem more natural to the reader and help the flow of the story.

2. This story has too much information in it. There's a saying "start late, leave early", meaning start your story in the middle of the action to engage the reader quickly and keep them hooked. If this started with the men entering the tunnel, it would be more engaging and eliminate a lot of information that we don't really need. You can fill in backstory through conversation, using items they find in the tunnel or temple to spark questions from the younger man.

3. This is almost entirely dialog. While you need dialog, you also need setting, mood, smells, tastes, sights, sounds, etc. to help set the mood and overall tone of the story. The reader needs to be shown what the tunnel looks like. They need to feel the mustiness. They need to be scared for the characters.

*Star* I am just another writer, like you, who enjoys reviewing and helping others learn the craft. Please use what you can and disregard the rest. Only you know what is best for your story.

Happy Writing,
Cobe


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
15
15
Review by Cobe Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Author: Maryann Author IconMail Icon
Reviewer: Cobe Author IconMail Icon

I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

*Bulletr*General Impressions :I love the 20's, probably because my beloved grandmother was a teen then and told me great stories. This story has potential. It's an interesting view point, but it has some issues that need to be resolved to make it great.

*Bulletr*Characters :A mother and daughter - Big issue is we have no names for either of them and no dialog to give us a personal look at who these characters are. Fiction always revolves around the characters and readers relate to characters by name. Say "Harry" and the world thinks of Harry Potter.

Naming characters in 1st person POV is sometimes hard because everything is "I" and "me" and "my". To achieve this tricky bit of writing, add in some dialog between mother and daughter at the beginning where mom calls the daughter by name.

And to get the mom's name, you could have the daughter read an actual headline about her mom, instead of just telling us that there was one.

The daughter in this comes across as being very naive, which might be because of her age, but we don't have any idea how old she is, which makes it very difficult to know what to make of her naive nature. If she's 8 or so, it would all make sense and we could just smile at the childishness of it. But if she's 14, the reader would have to start wondering why on earth she was that way.

*Bulletr*Hook:The secret life of movie stars, who could resist?

*Bulletr*Setting :Details, details, details ... I want to see what the dress looks like, smell the perfume, see the road they are driving down, feel the wind, picture her hat, etc ... What does the house look like? What does the car look like? Where is the dress shop and the book store? Was it a bi-plane? Was it sunny? or Gray?

*Bulletr*Dialog :Dialog would make this pop to life and give us so much insight into these characters. It's a great way to add backstory and create tension and mood without telling. It's also a great way to name the main character in 1st person POV.

*Bulletr*Voice:1st person

*Exclaim*Suggestions:While this is an intriguing idea for a story with lots of potential, it is almost entirely "telling" instead of "showing". All of the interactions we are told about but we don't get to really see anything. To "show" this story would make it fabulous.

To "show" instead of "tell" you can take each of your scenes and rewrite them so that the reader experiences them along with the character. What was it like to ride in the Model T? What did the new leather smell like? Who started it for her? Did it make noise? What was the dress store like? Was it like wal-Mart with racks and racks of clothing to pick from or did someone take her measurements and fit something for her? Were there piles and piles of sheer fabrics to run her hands through? Did she get a candy for waiting patiently? Or did she act like a brat and parade around in high heel satin shoes with big buckles?

Each scene could be run through in that manner. Here's an example of how you might rework a piece of it:

"... Many people in our neighborhood own automobiles. We own a Ford Model T. Mom took me shopping in it the other day and we had such a wonderful time."

Every house in our neighborhood has an automobile. Ours is a Studebaker 6. Our chauffeur, Markus, took mom and I shopping in it over the weekend.

On Saturday, mother and I were bundled into the car under father's watchful eye. We drove down the driveway ever so slowly as he waved from the front step.

Once we were free from the sight of the house, mother leaned forward and said, "Okay, Markus. Let's see what this baby can do."

The car zoomed ahead plastering me to the seat. I laughed and held my hat. Mother laughed, too, showing that beautiful smile so famous in photos from the studio.


*Flagg*Line-by-line:

I wrote a ghost poem once, and people actually thought it was real. I hope with this story having a roaring 20's theme, people will know that it's only fiction. It's something for fun around Mother's Day. I hope you enjoy...

*Clock**Clock**Clock**Clock**Clock*


My Mother the Star


My mother is a silent film star. She tries to make my life as normal as possible, though, but actually my life is as exciting as you can imagine. I feel very special to have a mother who is a star.

Being from a celebrity family definitely makes my life interesting, and in addition to that, I’m so glad that I was born in this time. We have technology in our roaring 20’s that people years ago couldn’t even dream about. Many people in our neighborhood own automobiles. We own a Ford Model T. paragraph Mom took me shopping in it the other day and we had such a wonderful time. First You only use a "first" when you're going to use a "second", but I can't find a "second" in your list of events. we went to a ritzy store because mom wanted a new dress from her favorite fashion Since you've already told us that she wants a new dress, the reader will infer that you're talking about a fashion designer here. designer, Gabrielle Chanel. Chanel also makes a perfume now, so mom bought that, too. Mom Since "mom" is the last person you mentioned, this can be a pronoun without confusing the reader. says that she is not finished dressing unless she puts on her This word isn't necessary because she's not going to put on the neighbors perfume or her husband's perfume, etc. perfume. I love the sweet aroma when mom walks in the room. She now wears the Chanel fragrance a lot, and I relate that special scent as part of my mother.

Well, after we left that fancy store, we went to a bookstore to buy some books I would look at rephrasing this somehow. Maybe - "we went to the bookstore to find something new for our Saturday night reading time." for me. Mom and I enjoy reading together, so we thought we should stock up.This is an odd POV issue. If you're in first person, which you are, telling the thoughts of other people takes us out of the main characters POV. We bought a poetry book by Robert Frost, and “The Great Gatsby” by F. Scott Fitzgerald. We also bought a newspaper. I like to read the funny pages, and mom, of course, likes to read about herself and what people are thinking about her movies.

Soon our shopping day was over If all they did was the dress store and bookstore, then leave this out as it doesn't convey any new information. If they went to get lunch or something, mention that to help add depth. Or you could just leave out this whole sentence and start with the next without losing anything from the story. and we started for home. On the drive back, I looked up in the sky and I saw an airplane! We send mail by airplane but mom said that upper class people sometimes ride on planes, and we, in fact, would be taking a trip in a few months. I wondered all the way home what it would feel like to fly in a plane. I will see the world the way a birds sees the world. The clouds must look like cotton, and the houses must look like dollhouses! I am definitely looking forward to that dreamy experience.

When we were back at our street, we passed some teenagers who live nearby. They don’t like the sexy way that my mother dresses so they always make fun of her. POV issue - your main character can't know what the teenagers think, so maybe "They always make fun of my mother. She says it's because of her clothing. This time paragraph they yelled something nasty like Let the reader infer what they want from what the teens said., “Hey, did you see any prostitutes around?” paragraph I’ve learned to ignore them because they come from thickheaded families and it doesn’t help to try and change their opinion of us. A lot of our snobby neighbors shun us because mom looks like a flapper. It’s like they don’t understand that this is all part of being a star. This statement is rather naive, though that might add to the characterization of this daughter. Even my grandmother who lived in Oklahoma in a small town dressed like a flapper in the 20's so I'm not sure how this would have been a stigma in California or anywhere really. It was the fashionable thing to wear. They don’t like how she dresses because she wears thin, fringed, knee-length skirts and long pearl necklaces. She also gets cast in fancy free and outspoken roles, which make it hard for some people to think of her as a respectable lady, but most people adore her.

A lot of people invent fads in order to imitate my mother. One fad is to pluck their eyebrows just the way mom does. People also buy similar hats as she wears, from mail-order catalogues. paragraphAll of my friends are envious that my mother is the star of silent films. They know that I get to meet many actors and playwrights. I even danced the Charleston with Charlie Chaplin at a party once. My friends don’t understand why I know all of these people and never get their autographs, but they are all just regular people to me. When my friends speak to my mother, I almost have to laugh at how nervous they get.

At home, my mother is just like everyone else’s mother. She listens to the same jazz age music on the radio that everyone else’s mother listens to. She especially likes Al Jolson, Duke Ellington, and Bessie Smith. Sometimes if she works late, I turn on the music and tell her to rest while I fix dinner. It’s easy for me now that Birdseye makes new frozen food products. Frozen foods were available at that time but they were very new and you could only get vegetables and fruits, something that California had in abundance. Besides, wouldn't she have had a maid to do that for her? Some tabloid psychoanalysts, who are dedicated to following Dr. Sigmund Freud, try to claim that she must be a bad mother, but that’s just not true. No matter how tired she is, she always spends time with me. She taught me quilting, and we are currently working on a new project. The Sigmund Freud followers could try to calculate the personality of my celebrity mom all they want, but I know how she really is. I’m proud that my mother is a silent film star.

Having a mother that’s a silent film star is also a whole lot of fun. There were many times when I was actually allowed on the set while some of her shows were being filmed. I remember this one scene where she was tied to train tracks. Seeing the spine tingling terror on her face made me want to run over and save her, but seeing a handsome guy struggle to bring her to safety made me put off a loud sigh of relief. She was saved! I was thrilled to hear the director yell “Cut. That’s a wrap”.

My mother told me that body language is the main voice of life. That sounds right to me because if someone says something, the person listening might not always be able to tell if they are serious, sarcastic, joking, or mad unless they actually see the person. My mother is a perfectionist in body language, but I always feel that a great part of her is being left out because people aren't hearing her beautiful voice. My mother has a voice that sounds so soft and sweet. Except for one time when I overheard her speaking to my science teacher...

Last semester I got an “F” in science. This was very weird for me because I have always been an “A” student in everything. My mother was furious that I suddenly got an “F”. My teacher seemed very disgusted with me and wanted to see my mother. I went with her and waited outside of the classroom. In my mind, I pictured the scene that would occur. My mother would seem to play out the scene from one of her movies. My science teacher would hold the tearful woman tenderly as they discussed the future of the devil tainted child. To my surprise, I instead overheard raised voices from inside the room. My mother’s voice seemed raspy and low toned with a quick edge to it. I heard her actually ask my teacher why she didn't teach as well as the other teachers! She went on to say that no other teacher ever had a problem teaching me. She wanted to know what methods the teacher would use to improve her teaching, so that I can learn properly. I was shocked that she insulted my teacher! Part of me never wanted to step foot into that classroom ever again, and part of me realized that my mother must love me very much. We have had many memories together. We have had a life of excitement.


*Starb*These are just my thoughts and ideas as I read this piece and are intended to help. Please use what you can and ignore the rest. You know what is best for your story.*Smile*

I hope this is useful. Happy Writing!
Cobe Author IconMail Icon


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
16
16
for entry "PrologueOpen in new Window.
Review by Cobe Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Author: Escape Artist Author IconMail Icon
Reviewer: Cobe Author IconMail Icon

*UmbrellaB* This review is part of your shower from "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.! *UmbrellaB*


*Bulletr*General Impressions :This is a really intriguing storyline. My husband loves Alaska and has dreamed of living there for over 30 years, so I was immediately caught by the description of this. I really like this story so far and plan on reading more. Thank you for sharing it! *Bigsmile*

*Delight*Favorite Parts :The descriptions of the sea are vivid.

*Bulletr*Characters :Mikhail and various others who are unnamed.

Mikhail seems interesting except we don't really find out much about him in this prologue. The other characters not being named is a hindrance for the reader. Readers connect with characters because they have a name, they are then real. While I can understand not naming the girl and her father(?) behind the bubble, the captain should at least be Captain such-and-such. Mikhail would surely know his name.

*Bulletr*Hook:You have a great mystery started here for the reader to unfold and question. Good job!

*Bulletr*Plot : A ship is wrecked on the coast of Alaska in a storm and a teenage boy swims ashore where he finds a strange bubble-like wall that he can't penetrate and sees people behind the wall in a dream-like state.

*Bulletr*Setting :You've done a great job of describing the sea and the coastline. I can picture this.

*Bulletr*Voice:This is oscillating between 3rd person limited and omniscient. Since it's a prologue and not the actual storyline yet, it's not a big deal, but you really want to focus this on 3rd person limited and get rid of all the omniscient voice unless you're going for steampunk or victorian genre. 3rd person limited and 1st person make up 95% of all writing published now. It keeps the reader in the viewpoint of the main character and shows what is happening rather than telling.

*Exclaim*Suggestions:While your descriptions are vivid and good, some of them are just over the top and verge on being cliche. Readers are smart and can easily remember that the sea is boiling with a storm with only a few words and without being reminded. In the case of adjectives, less is more. You need enough to get your point across but also to leave room for the readers imagination to take hold and fill in the gaps.

For example: In this phrase "...the waves grew choppy, forming oddly pyramidal crests..." - Most readers know what a wave looks like so the important part for them to know for the storyline is that "...the waves grew choppy". Unless the waves were being deformed in some way by a supernatural force, they don't need to be told "forming oddly pyramidal crests".

A few phrases like this every once in awhile are fine to add character and help with mood, but when they are added to every paragraph they can bog the reader down. Then the reader starts skimming. As writers we don't want the readers to skim what we write. We want them to savor every word.

*Exclaim*Grammar:Paragraphing is a challenge in this. You should change paragraphs any time a character changes action or the focus of a action, or a location, or speaks to a different person. You should also change paragraphs when a new character has action. This helps the reader keep the story straight and not become confused by who is doing what. In a mystery or suspense novel, shorter paragraphs help the reader read faster which adds to the tension and hook.

*Flagg*Line-by-line:




December 21, 1778
--- Near the coastline of Southeast Alaska ---


Steep ocean rollers surrounded the Albatross. The largest, foaming with whitecaps, cascaded over the bow in sheets of salty spray biting into the raw faces of the scurrying crew.

Sixteen-year-old cook's mate Mikhail Ivanov held tight to the safety rope pinned This word makes me thick a stick pin is holding it up. Maybe "bolted" or "secured" would give a better sense here. to the railing. Keeping his back to the wind-raged sea, he inched his way toward the stern where the captain stood at the tiller, his teeth clinched, his body one with his ship. paragraph Midway, a sudden slacking of the wind caused Mikhail to stop and peer over the side. To his surprise, the waves grew choppy, forming oddly pyramidal crests, as if the currents were coming from all directions. He squinted into a thickening fog, cocking his head as an unfamiliar boom resonated in the distance—a disquieting sound.If it's an unfamiliar boom, we already have the sense that this is unsettling for him so we don't really need to be told this phrase.

Mikhail saw that the captain was also staring hard into the eerie mist. Their eyes met for an uncertain instant as the rhythmic booming began to echo, its range closing. Mikhail grabbed the safety rope and continued walking toward the stern. He stopped once again to listen. Scanning the gloom, he froze. paragraph Looming up, directly off the port bow, rose the dark, foreboding shape of foam-streaked rocks jutting out of the turbulent waters. The outline of jagged cliffs quickly filled the horizon. Mikhail turned in panic, waving at the captain who was already straining hard to starboard on the tiller.

A huge breaking wave lifted the wallowing brig, then shoved it mightily onto a forest of jagged pinnacles. For a time, the terrible sound what is this terrible sound like? Can you rephrase this to let the reader "hear" the sounds? of wooden beams twisting and snapping held sway over the crashing surf. A second powerful breaker raked the Albatross across the spiny reef, ripping out the length of her underbelly. A third wave pushed her up again with a mighty lurch, breaking her backbone, and splintering her masts. The wails of screaming men soon joined the maelstrom. Would you really be able to hear them screaming through a storm and destruction of a ship?

Mikhail slid across the tilting deck, grabbing for whatever ropes or rails came within his reach. Even as he grasped a firm hold, the ship heaved up and split in two, hurling him into the raging torrent.

Mikhail swam with the waves, struggling to stay above the surge and reach the shoreline before the jagged rocks ripped him apart. As his strength ebbed and a numbing cold began to overwhelm him, Mikhail’s his - you've already established this is Mikhail and haven't introduced any other characters, so you don't need to use his name. feet touched the rocky bottom. Crawling hand-over-hand, he coaxed his exhausted body out of the deadly sea, ending his ordeal on a pebbly shoreline, sucking hard for air. His strength spent, Mikhail he rolled into a ball and closed his eyes while the roaring surf slowly faded to a quiet blackness.


The wind rushed—its intensity fluctuating, infused with the splatter of rain drops, punctuated by the cry of sea birds. Mikhail struggled up from an unconscious stupor. He lay fifty feet from the foaming surge of a shallow reef. The shattered remains of the one-hundred-sixty-foot brigantine littered the shore—along with several bodies. Nothing moved except the angry waves.

Shaking uncontrollably, Mikhail he examined his battered body—nothing broken, but his hands were numb, and his legs felt like heavy clubs. For the moment, he had cheated death, but unless he could find shelter and start a fire, a new nemesis, one known and feared by all seamen, would move its cold hand toward his heart, a quick, efficient killer with an unspoken name. wow, that's a lot of adjectives in one sentence. You might look at breaking it up some or eliminating a few to keep the flow.

Mikhail slipped in and out of consciousness. In a lucid moment, he watched a patch of grass standing straight, unmoved. Odd, he thought, how it is unaffected by the wind and dry in the frigid salt-spray. Another strange apparition appeared. A large black ant wandered out of the quiescent grass and into the harsh environment of the rocky shore. The creature froze for a moment, then scurried back into its green forest, as if it had just stepped near a hot fire.

Mikhail moved his arm toward the welcoming grass, but his fingers pushed into an invisible substance, a resilient wall of air. He frowned and pushed once more, his hand again rejected, denying him the touch of the grass or anything beyond. paragraph Now this is silly, he thought. Struggling to stand, he reached out with both hands, but the air itself resisted, holding him upright. Mikhail giggled at this absurdity and started to tremble as his sudden output of energy became overwhelming. He slid down the apparition, noticing that his fingers began to tingle and radiate an odd warmth—then he faded into darkness once again.


Mikhail thought he was dreaming. His torpid eyes focused on a pair of hand-beaded leather boots. Above them, pieces of polished mother-of-pearl, chipped from scallop and abalone shells, dangled from the hem of a long skin dress. Mikhailje followed a braided row of shells upward until his eyes focused on a face, an unmistakable feminine face.

The girl was olive-skinned—her nose slightly flat, her eyebrows thick, defining the known features of a northern native, but that is where her indigenous traits ended. Coal-black hair flowed down her shoulders, garlanded with multi-colored iridescent feathers of unknown origin. She wore a long, woven shawl, which hung on her body like a poncho. Unknown figures danced across the fabric, dyed with a riot of color. Mikhail admired her bare forearms, completely adorned with exotic tattoos. She smiled down at him with perfect white teeth and golden eyes—wild, intimate eyes that shined into his soul.

He stared at the kneeling girl in disbelief, wondering if he was dying, or, in fact, already dead. The curious notion changed when she tried to speak. Mikhail heard nothing but the wailing wind. Does this enchanting creature reside in another reality, a world forbidden to outsiders? He reached out to touch the strange apparition, but once again, his hand was held firm, no matter how hard he pushed. paragraph Although the girl remained still, she reacted with a wave of emotion that made Mikhail feel somewhat hopeful. Her expression changed from pained, to piteous, to apprehension as she turned and bowed her head.

Mikhail caught the movement of another figure walking down a well-worn trail. This figure was also dressed in colorful skins, but, by stride and strength alone, definitely not female.

The sinews in the man’s arms stood out like braided rope as his physically impressive stature loomed over the girl. Mikhail likened him to an Aztec King lording over the prostrate body of an obedient acolyte. He exuded confidence, unmistakably a powerful leader of men. This needs to come before "Mikhail likened him ..." And then "Mikhail likened him ..." needs to be in a new paragraph.

The man stood by the girl and looked down at Mikhail, his hard stare suggesting he was unimpressed with Mikhail’s presence. The scene remained frozen for several moments. Then the girl looked up with a pleading gaze only a child would give to a father. The man's face softened as he reached out and stroked the girl’s hair. He did not look at Mikhail, but turned and disappeared up the trail into the murky forest. The girl beamed from within her silent world.

The crashing waves grew with renewed intensity as the sky flashed and rolled with thunder. Mikhail closed his swollen eyes and listened as another storm approached. He whispered a prayer as his last spark of strength cooled to a dying ember.

At the edge of consciousness, he heard movement at his side. Even though he could not react to the sudden touch of warm hands clasping his outstretched wrist, he felt a radiant heat move up his arm, followed by a gentle tug.
What a strange way to die, he thought.
…So bewildering.
…So painless.

*Starb*These are just my thoughts and ideas as I read this piece and are intended to help. Please use what you can and ignore the rest. You know what is best for your story.*Smile*

I hope this is useful. Happy Writing!
Cobe Author IconMail Icon

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
17
17
Review of Crashed Witches  Open in new Window.
Review by Cobe Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Author: BIG BAD WOLF is Howling Author IconMail Icon
Reviewer: Cobe Author IconMail Icon

*UmbrellaB* This review is part of your shower from "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.! *UmbrellaB*


In General: This is a light story that plays on a funny icon of Halloween decorations. I think it's cute and a fun take on it.

Characters: Eliza and the narrator
Eliza - we are introduced to her and told about her life and the incident which spurred this story, but we don't really get to see her.
The Narrator - tells us the story but we don't know what his/her connection is to Eliza. We don't know whether he is a reliable narrator or not.

I would have liked to have seen these characters doing something, instead of just being told about them.

Hook: This has a great hook. People love those witches wrapped around a pole, so finding out the "story" behind it is a fun thing.

Suggestions:
1. I would love to read this story in a form where we are shown what happened, maybe sandwiched between smaller narrative bits, instead of having the whole thing as a narrative piece. It would draw the reader in and give them more character development. Kind of like having a narrator in between scenes of a play.

2. If we had more characterization about the narrator, we would have more reason to believe them. Even if it was a brief introduction and the reader had a name it would help. We identify with characters through their name first. Because we always see a story through the viewpoint of the narrator, it's important to know who they are and what relationship they have with the story overall.

3. I didn't mention setting in my comments because really there is no setting details given beyond broad mentions. Setting always gives depth to a story, so it would help to have more details of it.

Overall, it was a cute story that I enjoyed reading. Thanks for sharing it with us. I hope you consider rewriting it.

I am just another writer, like you, so please use what you can and disregard the rest. Only you know what's best for your story.

Happy Writing!
Cobe

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
18
18
Review of Candy Store Ghost  Open in new Window.
Review by Cobe Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Author: (user:arnielenzini}
Reviewer: Cobe Author IconMail Icon

Hi, I found this beautiful story as part of challenge for "a very Wodehouse challengeOpen in new Window. and decide to give it a review. *Bigsmile*

*Bulletr*General Impressions :I love this tale. It is haunting, beautiful, and picturesque all rolled into one. The images it conjures up are mesmerizing.

*Delight*Favorite Parts :My favorite thing about this is the mood of the piece. It not only has the elements of a ghost story but Shunsuke's emotions draw the reader through it.

*Bulletr*Characters :Shunsuke and the ghost - Well done. You've developed Shunsuke well including his emotions and even given some backstory without using an info dump or disrupting the story line.

*Bulletr*Hook:The hook is clearly the ghost and the reader is drawn through the tale wanting to know who this is and if it's menacing or not.

*Bulletr*Setting :Japanese candy shop/village - you've used enough elements of setting and scene to give the reader good images, however, a few more details here and there, maybe materials things are made of, what the door looks like, his bed quilt, -little things really- would make this piece soar to another level and depth.

I'm a big fan of Japanese style stories, but I never thought of using one to tell a ghost story so this is a fabulous find for me. I was mesmerized by it. It flowed so well and kept me interested all the way to the end!! What a great read!!

Thank you for sharing it.

Happy Writing,
Cobe



*Starb*These are just my thoughts and ideas as I read this piece and are intended to help. Please use what you can and ignore the rest. You know what is best for your story.*Smile*

I hope this is useful. Happy Writing!
Cobe Author IconMail Icon


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
19
19
Review by Cobe Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Author: Jellyfish needs more hours Author IconMail Icon
Reviewer: Cobe Author IconMail Icon


*UmbrellaB* This review is part of your shower from "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.! *UmbrellaB*


General Impressions:I picked this because we are in the depths of winter and my garden is simply mounds of dirt and leaves. I am longing for spring and growing things so I was pleasantly delighted by the images and subject of this poem.

Form:Rhyming free verse - You've done a good job with this. The rhymes work without seeming forced, for most of it. A couple of places were a bit awkward but overall it was great!

Rhythm:I like that the flow of this piece seems as if the writer is walking through the garden and plants move as she moves. I could just imagine myself walking through touching each plant, checking the fruit and veggies for ripeness. It never lags and moves right from the beginning pulling us through to the end. GReat job!! *Bigsmile*

Imagery:The imagery is good. "Runner beans sprinting" and "A gaggle of aubergines" are great examples of how you've shown us the garden.

Overall, this is a very nice poem and put me in the mood for searching through seed catalogs once again!! I can't wait to have my own gaggle of aubergines!

*Bigsmile*These are just my thoughts and ideas as I read this piece. Please remember that I am just another writer, like you. Use what you can and disregard the rest. Only you know what is best for your piece.

Happy Writing!
Cobe Author IconMail Icon

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
20
20
Review of It's Too Late  Open in new Window.
Review by Cobe Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Author: Sum1's In Schaumburg Author IconMail Icon
Reviewer: Cobe Author IconMail Icon

Hi! *Bigsmile* I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

*Bulletr*General Impressions :What a great story you have here. I really enjoyed reading it. The twist that becomes apparent as we weave through the tale is fascinating and unfolds well. Using the setting of a detectives interview was a great choice!

*Delight*Favorite Parts : The twist of why he groped the women.

*Bulletr*Characters :Osborn and Kevin - Although I buy the overall persona of Kevin by the end, I struggled at the beginning to overcome the image you portrayed of him as if to say that's how ALL quantum physics professors would look. When describing a character it's best to just let the character be who they are and avoid cliches or stereotypes.

Osborn - seems to ask appropriate questions but he does things that a real detective wouldn't do, like calling his boss in the middle of the interview and turning off the recording.

*Bulletr*Hook: Detective stories have a hook built in. The detective is trying to figure out what is going on, thus the reader is captured in that hook. Good job!

*Bulletr*Setting : I'd like to see a few more details of where they are. The setting details can help to add character to a story and keep a mental image in the mind of the reader. Maybe add a few details of the desk or the chairs, if there is a window or just florescent lights, etc.

*Bulletr*Dialog : Most of this is done well. I caught one place where you have both characters speaking in one paragraph. To keep the reader from being confused, make sure each character gets their own paragraph.

*Bulletr*Voice: This is one place I had some issues with this piece. You start off in Osborn's POV but then you shift to Kevin's POV and then shift back to Osborn's POV which makes it feel like omniscient voice. It's best to pick on character and stay in their head. Give us what that one character experiences with their five senses and nothing more. They can't read minds ... unless this is a fantasy novel where that has been an established rule.

*Exclaim*Suggestions: I liked this story so much I did a line-by-line. Don't panic with all the corrections in the first paragraph. It had a lot of examples to touch on. I really do like this story and think it has great potential. I hope you keep working on it!!

*Flagg*Line-by-line:

It’s Too Late


Detective Osborn sat in the interview room looking at the man in front of him. The background check showed he was a professor at a local university It's usually better to name things. It doesn't matter if it really exists or not. Readers connect to names and form mental images based off of them., involved in quantum-physics with several organizations This is a little confusing as I'm not sure what your are referring to in a university capacity.. He looked the part too, neatly dressed, fingernails recently manicured, hair neatly combed and recently trimmed. Really? Most physicists I've met can't even tie their own shoes let alone trim their nails and comb their hair. Osborn sat quietly Stephen King says "I believe the road to hell is paved with adverbs, and I will shout it from the rooftops." There's a great interview with him here: http://www.brainpickings.org/2013/03/13/stephen-ki... about the subject. After many years of writing using them avidly and ignoring all advice otherwise, I have since come to understand the folly of my ways. Leaving them out makes the writing better because it has to be better to get the point across. observing the man for a few moments, looking to see if he would give away for any sign that he was under duress, scared, or worried,isn't this what duress means? but he didn’t look anything at all like that.Why tell us what he didn't look like if you're going to tell us what he did look like? Just use the positive statement to keep the reader from being confused by too many details he doesn't need. He appeared as if he had no care in the world.

Finally, Osborn cleared his throat and spoke. “Professor Matthews, let’s talk about --”

The man raised his hand, palm towards Osborn in a polite interruption. “Please call me Kevin. Titles don’t matter now, do they?”

“Okay, if you insist. First, you’ve been read your rights, so anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. Do you wish to have an attorney present for this interview?”

“No, Detective, I will not need an attorney.”

“Of course you will, especially once this goes to court. You’re in a bit of trouble, and I advise you to get an attorney.”

“No, it's fine. I’m quite sure I won’t need one.”

Detective Osborn was puzzled at Kevin’s insistence that he wouldn’t need an attorney You've just shown us what Kevin is insisting, so you don't need to repeat it here.. Men who had done acts such as he’d done usually ended up in court; an attorney would be necessary when that time came. “I see here that you are accused of propositioning a woman for sex. She appears to be your neighbor. When she turned you down, you propositioned several others; you knew each one of them, and each time, the same result. And after what happened at the Crow’s Nest, they have come forward and told us how you groped them as you propositioned them. What was a man in your position doing in a seedy place like that, and why were you propositioning all these women? You don’t seem to be the kind of person that normally does something like this. Want to tell me what’s going on?”

Kevin’s face turned a bright shade of red as Osborn read from the report, his head dropping slowly to hang between his hands, seemingly embarrassed by the events listed there. Once Osborn had finished reading, Kevin raised his head, once again looking Osborn in the eyes. “No detective, I have nothing to say right now.” A note of finality was heard in Kevin’s voice as he spoke.

“Professor,” again Osborn was politely interrupted by Kevin. Each character should have their own paragraph when speaking or performing an action to avoid confusing the reader. “Please, call me Kevin.”

“I’m sorry. Kevin, the evidence we have here is pretty substantial, and will be used against you. You must know that this is going to go badly for you when this goes to court. I can’t tell you what kind of sentence, if any, you’ll get of course, but this could really affect your position with the university and the organizations you work with.”

“Detective--”

"Yes Kevin." Detective Osborn only responded when he realized that Kevin wasn't going to say anything more.

“Detective, everything is fine, really. I am guilty of everything documented there, but I am willing to risk everything, knowing I won’t go to court. The things I know, what I’ve seen recently, nothing matters anymore.” As he said this, his eyes pooled as tears coursed down his face. It took an incredible amount of willpower to regain control of his feelings. When he looked up, his face was clear of any emotion. Before this point we seem to be in the Detective's POV but to know these things we have to be in Kevin's POV. Switching between them is a use of omniscient voice, which almost never used now unless in Victorian writing.

Detective Osborn could see the emotions on Kevin’s face as he struggled with his feelings. He looked like a man torn between two emotions. Dave decided to go with this gut feeling, that Kevin has to get something off his chest. “Kevin, what do you mean when you say nothing matters anymore? I’m an optimist, things always matter.”

“Not if you knew what I know. And now I’ve said too much. I really don’t want to talk about it.”

Detective Osborn studied Kevin’s face closely and finally made a decision. He moved the papers to the side, stacked them neatly on the desk maybe - lined up their edges, and made an obvious act of turning Just say "turned" here. You wouldn't be telling us if it wasn't an obvious act. off the microphone and recorder. Taking his cell phone from its holder, he made a call. “Captain. Detective Osborn here. This is going to take a while. I’ll be busy for some time, and will brief you once I’m done.” I question that this is something a detective would do. Typically the boss knows that they are in an interview with a suspect and wouldn't question the time it took.

As he put his cell phone away, Osborn focused his attention on Kevin, and wasn’t too surprised to see him sitting there, looking as calm as he did when the interrogation had started thirty minutes ago.

Looking Kevin in the eye once more, he said, “I’ve turned off the recorder, so this is just me and you talking. Let’s talk turkey now. You are a bit of an enigma you know. You don’t fit the profile of a perv, the kind of person who normally does what you’ve done. You are a man of some stature in the educational and professional world. Yes, we’ve already done a preliminary background check on you. You appear calm, almost as if in acceptance of what’s to come, and the thought of going to court and having your reputation ruined doesn’t seem to bother you one bit either. So talk to me. Tell me what’s going on.”

Kevin looked at Osborn, uncertainty etched in his features. Finally, he seemed to come to a conclusion, a determined look in his eyes, and whispered, “It’ll all be over soon. That’s why nothing matters.”

“Kevin, what’s going to be over soon?”

“Everything.”

“You’re not making much sense here. Care to elaborate?”

Kevin’s head dropped as he continued speaking. His voice was so soft that Osborn found himself leaning close to Kevin to hear what was said.

“There isn’t any time to waste. You should spend time with your family now. You only have a few hours, if that much.”

“Kevin, a few hours? Why only a few hours? What’s happening in a few hours?”

“The end of the world.”

Osborn sat back and smiled gently 1) This is an adverb. 2) You can't smile "hardly" or "softly" or "gingerly". You just smile or grin or raise one corner of your mouth.. “I don’t mean to belittle you or what you’re saying, but you know we’ve heard this before. Why, and how is the world going to end?”

Kevin looked up at Osborn, his eyes threatening to fill with tears. “I’m part of the reason for all this, and that’s why I know I won’t need a lawyer. That’s why I propositioned those women, women I know, all whom I’ve lusted for. It’s all going to end now, so why not?”

“Kevin, start from the beginning. Or at least tell me everything you can think of.”

Kevin looked down at his feet. His body shook briefly, consumed in silent sobs. When he looked up, his gaze fixed on a spot beyond Osborn. He began to speak, his words slow at first, then picking up speed. “For the last eight years, I’ve worked on a project at the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland. We used computer models at first, but then moved on to actual experiments. Recently, we began to collide protons at higher and higher energies, hoping to create a black hole. Our models suggested one could be created this way, but that it wouldn’t last long because it wouldn’t have enough mass. Early results were disappointing; we saw no evidence that a black hole was created.”

Osborn sat there, his face impassive as Kevin continued to speak. He didn’t understand much of what Kevin was saying, but he’d heard of the Large Hadron Collider and understood little of the experiments being conducted there.

Kevin continued to speak, his speech flowing smoothly, information pouring out of him now. “In doing these tests, we also hoped to demonstrate the existence of the Higgs Boson. Early this year, we ramped up the voltage in the collider to 6.24 TeV, and finally created a small black hole. Of course, we were ecstatic at this, and there were a lot of initial celebrations. But we had a problem. Our models had predicted that the black hole would not survive long, since it didn’t have enough mass. But instead of being destroyed, it remained where it had been created. It wasn’t growing in size, at least not at first. Slowly, over a period of two months it grew. Now understand, its size was microscopic, but preliminary models suggested it would grow to a dangerous size in about fifty years, at which time it would essentially explode into a much larger size, and our world would cease to exist. One of my co-workers had the idea of creating a second black hole using electrons, and models showed that the two would interact, negating each other, and be destroyed. Of course there was a lot of discussion on this part, since our first models were not entirely correct. In the end, he won a deciding majority to his idea. End result? We ran electrons through the collider to create a negative black hole so to speak. ”

Osborn still didn’t understand all he was hearing, but was intrigued by Kevin’s story.

Kevin continued, becoming agitated as he spoke more and more. “We were successful in creating that negative black hole, but again, the model was not correct. Although a second, smaller black hole was created, it was immediately swallowed by the first one, doubling its size. But it also started to grow faster, and now we were out of ideas on what to do. The computer models now showed the black hole growing at an alarming rate. Instead of fifty years, we had 10 days.”

Osborn couldn’t stop the exclamation that escaped from his mouth. Again, don't tell us what he couldn't do. Tell us what he did. Osborn exclaimed,“Ten days!”

“Yes, ten days. That was when I lost my mind a little. There are several things I’ve always wanted to do, and those women had always excited me. I decided I would try to make my fantasies come true before everything happened.”

“But, the evidence here says you accosted the first woman nine days ago. If what you say is true…”

“Yes, Dave, nine days ago last night, as a matter of fact.”

Osborn stood suddenly and paced the room slowly, his face masking his agitation. He seemed to come to a quick conclusion and turned to Kevin. “This interview is over. I have a few things I want to do before time runs out, just in case everything you said is true.

“Good luck, Dave, but I think it’s too la--“



*Starb*These are just my thoughts and ideas as I read this piece and are intended to help. Please use what you can and ignore the rest. You know what is best for your story.*Smile*

I hope this is useful. Happy Writing!
Cobe Author IconMail Icon



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
21
21
Review by Cobe Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Author: Angels in my Ear Author IconMail Icon
Reviewer: Cobe Author IconMail Icon

*UmbrellaB* This review is part of your shower from "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.! *UmbrellaB*


General Impressions: This is beautiful in a haunting sort of way! I really like it. The mood it sets gave me the feeling of chills by the end.

I'm not great at poetry review, but I'll give it a whirl for this one!

Form:This is a free verse that is well done. It starts with a few succinct lines and builds to the height of the idea and then closes down again.

Flow:I think this flows nicely, the thoughts are carried through and build upon each other from beginning to end. Nothing interrupted me while I read. Great job! *Bigsmile*

Imagery:While you have a few details of imagery here, I think even more about the haunted house itself would add to this already great poem. Things like maybe, the creak of a floorboard, the rattle of a shutter in the wind, rain dripping through the hole in the roof can help grip the reader and pull them into the image you are creating.

Suggestions: I think you've done a great job with this theme and using personification with the house. One trick I learned to revising is if you take this and make the personification over the top and then back off again, it can help add details that might be missing otherwise.


*Bigsmile*These are just my thoughts and ideas as I read this piece. Please remember that I am just another writer, like you. Use what you can and disregard the rest. Only you know what is best for your piece.

Happy Writing!
Cobe Author IconMail Icon

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
22
22
Review of The Maze  Open in new Window.
Review by Cobe Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Author: Geoff Author IconMail Icon
Reviewer: Cobe Author IconMail Icon


*UmbrellaB* This review is part of your shower from "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.! *UmbrellaB*


Hi, I'm here to give you a review of "The MazeOpen in new Window. as part of your shower. Please remember that I'm just another writer like you, so use what you can and ignore the rest. Only you know what is best for your story.

In General: I like the old man and the dialect you've used for him. You've given some intriguing set up, like being on a beach and this person having spoken to an old man. Those things are great and I'd like to see you expand them.

Setting: Other than the mention of the beach, we don't really get a setting, which is a shame. Settings are very important to help a reader understand context of the characters. For example: if you have a teenager having a conversation with their friends about making out, you have a wide variety of places to put them while they are doing so. If you stick them in the hallway at school, no big deal, the conversation becomes the focal point, they are being normal teens, etc. But if you put them in a church, the reader will infer completely different things about these teens.

In your case, where he met the man and talked to him is important so that the reader trusts the old man and what he says. If this was the two men, walking side-by-side on the beach, and the old man was imparting this wisdom to him, he will be more reliable to the reader than if they are sitting in a nursing home or a mental hospital.

Characters: While the old man sounds interesting from the dialect you've used for him, we know virtually nothing about the two characters otherwise. They aren't named even.

For the reader to identify with the story, and thus to like it or not, they must be able to connect with the characters involved. The most basic of the ways a writer uses to achieve this, is to give them names. The next way is to give each character a quality that makes them likable. This can be done in many ways ... by making the character seem vulnerable, loved by someone else, a leader in what they do, an outcast, searching for answers, etc ...

In your story, if this was a young man, whose been living in the city, dropped out of college, girl friend left him, or he was just searching for meaning in life, maybe he went to see his grandfather who was this old fisherman, who then imparted this wisdom to him.

Give us those details and then this will pop and be remembered by the readers.

In conclusion: You have the makings of a great little story that I think holds a gem of wisdom in it. I hope you'll continue to work on it.

Happy Writing,
Cobe

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
23
23
Review by Cobe Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Author: Norhafizah Manaf Author IconMail Icon
Reviewer: Cobe Author IconMail Icon

Hi! I found this piece on the "read a newbie" page and was interested by the title. I'm here to give you a review in affiliation with "RAOK Upgrade Brigade GroupOpen in new Window. as part of a challenge for "a very Wodehouse challengeOpen in new Window. . I am just another writer like you, so take what you can use and ignore the rest. Only you know what is best for your piece.

In General: This is written in a way that pulls the reader through a long period of time, the length of a child's life, and yet sticks to a single theme without being dull or seeming to miss parts. It kept me reading to the end. The theme of motherhood resonates with anyone who has ever been a mother or ever wanted to be a mother and probably a few dads out there as well. It is an emotional subject, which in my opinion, makes it harder to write about. But you've done a good job.

Flow: This flows well from one section to the next, keeping in mind the theme from beginning to end. You haven't strayed from the point or lingered too long on any one section. Well done!

Grammar: This is pretty good with only an occasional missing word or added "s". I'm not a great grammar guru so I'll leave that to others on the site who are. *Wink*

Overall: I like this and can definitely identify with it. It made me think of all the things I went through with my own children and how it ties parents everywhere together no matter where they live. *Bigsmile*

Happy Writing and welcome to WDC!!

Cobe


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
24
24
Review by Cobe Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Author:Marisa Author IconMail Icon
Reviewer:Cobe Author IconMail Icon

HI. I found your piece on the "read a newbie" page and am giving you a review in affliliation with "RAOK Upgrade Brigade GroupOpen in new Window. as part of a challenge for "a very Wodehouse challengeOpen in new Window. . I am just another writer, like you, who enjoys reviewing and reading what others write, so take what you can use and ignore the rest. *Bigsmile*

In General: I like this piece a lot. You've given us enough details to understand that your character can read minds without actually telling us so. And it flows well throughout. It has some background info to it (which people call an info dump) but because your character is narrating this, it doesn't seem like an info dump.

Character: She is an interesting person. The thought of being able to read minds is intriguing to almost everyone which will make the readers widely sympathetic to her. If you could work in her name somewhere, it would help readers to connect with her on a more intimate level. Since she's at home, maybe she could flip on her computer and the screen reads "Good morning, Sadie!" or something.

I also like that she's a researcher/writer for some kind of publication. Her line "I sometimes wonder if I would still be so sought after if anyone knew the truth behind my most exquisite research." opens so many possibilities for the remainder of the story line. It's brilliant!

Setting: She's in her room in her house. We get to know that she has a cat and an alarm clock, but not much else. It always helps the reader to have a place to put the character so just small descriptive items would help with this. She talks about it raining outside, so maybe she could notice that her room was dark and the blue paint just made it seem darker or her cat could have snuck up on her because the carpet didn't give away his footsteps. I really like the description of the cat though. "something between a meow and a chirrup" That's exactly what a cat sounds like!! Good job.

Voice: We are deep inside her head with her thoughts guiding us through the piece. This is good and you haven't strayed into omniscient voice. My only recommendation is to watch out for passive voice - the use of had, has, was, were, is, etc ... While those verbs don't always denote passive voice, a lot of times they do. Writing in first person makes it difficult to avoid passive voice. I struggle with this myself.

Suggestions: Readers tend to see a large paragraph and skip over it or skim read through it. Because we want words to count and everyone to enjoy and savor each and every word we put on the page, it's best to keep your paragraphs on the shorter side. You could easily do this here and it wouldn't look so daunting to the reader. Rules for paragraph change are usually: when you change characters speaking or doing an action, when a character changes thought subject, when a character changes scene, when anyone or anything new is introduced, and when something in the story line is important for your reader to remember.

Overall: This is a beautiful start to a story with an intriguing character and some beautifully written descriptions. It flows well and is pretty easy to read.

Happy Writing and Welcome to WDC!!

Cobe


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
25
25
Review of The Letter  Open in new Window.
Review by Cobe Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Author:websterb Author IconMail Icon
Reviewer:Cobe Author IconMail Icon

Hi! I'm here to give you a review in affiliation with {item:398524) as part of a challenge for {item:1280691}. I found your piece on the random review page and was intrigued by the title.

In General: The subject of this piece is good and holds the promise of mystery. The reader has some idea of who the character is and the story has a beginning, a middle, and an end. I like it, but it may be a bit too mysterious, because we never find out what the letter said.

Character: The reader is in the head of this character and so learns what the thought patterns are and how he/she feels, which is great. However, we don't know if this is a male or a female nor how old this character is. Also readers like to connect with the characters and they do so initially by having a name. All of these things could be easily incorporated with small details. For example - to give us a name - the character could "read" the address on the envelope.

Setting: We are in a house. The details are minimal but enough to know to let the reader know where they are. That's really good and really clear. A few more details, with the character interacting with them, might give this more depth. For example: What does the sofa look like? Is it soft and the character sinks in? Or is it ultra-modern and sleek where the character is perched on its edge? The reader will infer different things by which scene is given to them.

Voice: 1st person - well done

Hook: The reader will want to keep reading through to the end to find out what the character is so anxiously waiting for. So, in that sense the hook is good. However, when they get to the end and find out that the character isn't going to share what was in the letter, they might feel cheated and be left with a bad thought. Somehow you should give more hints as to what the letter even pertains to or even simply have the character read it out loud, or to his/her cat. Right now the reader doesn't know if this is job related, health related, personal, or a stalker sending anonymous threats so they don't have enough to connect their imagination to.

Suggestions: Just a couple of thoughts as I was reading - this has a lot of adverbs and prepositional phrases. Some are okay, I think. Other people say never use them at all. Cutting back on a few would help the flow. Also, try shortening the sentence structures. Short sentences give the reader a heightened sense of anxiety which you want, especially when you have a character like this waiting for something for a long time. For example:

"With the coffee in hand I walked through the small corridor that joined the kitchen to the living room and entrance. The post had landed in a chaotic jumble. I crouched down and carefully sifted through. I pushed away pizza delivery leaflets, bills and various junk mail to find, quietly sitting at the bottom, a small white envelope that had my name and address carefully printed in small blocked letters. I knew instantly that this was the one I was waiting for."

First, I would make this it's own paragraph. It's one set of actions/one thought process. Then I would pair down the adverbs and prepositions. And finally I would add an important detail to the story but putting in his name. So, it might read something like this:

"Coffee in hand, I went into the closet-like hall between the kitchen and living room. The post laid in a chaotic jumble. I crouched and sifted through. Pushing away a pizza delivery ad, a couple of bills, and four pieces of junk, I found the small white envelope on the cracked tile floor. "Herman Hathaway, 61 Eggerton Gardens, London SW3" was printed in neat blocked letters. My hand trembled as I picked it up."

Overall:I enjoyed reading and reviewing this and hope you will continue to develop it. I think it could be a fascination story. Thanks for sharing!

Happy Writing!
Cobe


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
58 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 3 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/cobe