Hello, Greg Justin Hall   !
I found this while poking around for something to read and get me inspired to (or procrastinate) working on some of the pieces that are sitting unfinished in my queue.
Just to let you know, I tend to review in a stream of consciousness style so if at any point you have trouble following me or if I'm unclear, feel free to email me and I will explain myself as best I can. 
 Is the quote from something? If so, it need to be cited. If not, you can probably remove the quotes and just italicize. Even if it's a quote from the world you've created, would be good to have the source (e.g. Robert Jordan)
In the first paragraph, I think some of the descriptions and word choice could be stronger, longer, and therefore better set the tone and location for us. Why are the mountains looming? Is it because this part of the mountain range blocks the sun, are they rockier, more dangerous, are there legends about the mountains? For the longer part, I wish we got a bit more than the grass and the mountain. Bring us into the scene - what does the grass feel like? Besides the air being cold, there is a crispness and freshness to Montana air that many people probably don't get, so would be a good thing to describe.
four by four - feet? inches? acres?
Again, we moved pretty quickly to the patch that leads to a tunnel. Also, fake grass blows in the wind - why did this not? I don't think that was well explained. In fact, if you're trying to keep something hidden, it's a bad idea in general. While a remote location seems to be a big part of the hiding, I doubt someone would go through that effort just to make it easy to spot. Maybe the grass felt different, reflected differently in the sun, smelled different - something more subtle?
Introducing the characters full names here is a bit odd. I'd just use Michael and Alicia - you can do full names in dialogue or doing backstory somewhere.
Watch POV - I'm not an expert but it seems you're blurring a bit between third person omniscient and third person focusing on Michael.
For descriptions, I wish we could have seen more of Michael and Alicia. Michael could be ignoring or not caring about the state of dress or dirt on himself but would give us clues for where he'd come from. When he looks at Alicia, he can notice some of her more prominent features - eyes, lips, etc. Maybe injuries?
A rustling sound when you already describing a wind blowing through the grass doesn't seem like it would grab anyone's attention. Maybe a different onomatopoetic word?
Why does Michael move a few pieces of grass - it's normally not that high that he couldn't look over it unless it was crouched, which it doesn't seem he is from the descriptions.
Alicia's reaction to Michael's shooting seems really out of place. She takes a moment to collect herself? At this point, her adrenaline is pumping and it's probably instinct (if it fits her background) or she can yell at herself to deal with it later. It seems very nonchalant for watching someone get shot in front of her. Being able to clarify her actions will also start with characterization and give us hints about her background. Even her hiding feels so nonplussed. She cries a bit for the love of her life - why does she think they wont come to the tunnel and shoot her? Why does she feel safe? There is a lot missing here that I think really should be expanded.
Military style men - this is why I think having the grass not move doesn't fit. If this is the kind of person people are hiding from, it doesn't work.
So that was a lot of suggestions but I think for me it really comes down to level of description. I felt like there weren't enough to really get a sense of the location, get a sense of the characters (no matter how brief), and feel the suspense. I pointed out ways in which I thought you could help add these elements and make this a stronger introduction. Because of how this begins, you're going to have to make me care about Alicia if I'm going to keep reading. Why do I want to find out what happens to her? Right now, I'm not sure if I do. From her reactions, she seems shallow, weak, a follower, and that she doesn't get the magnitude of their situation. I doubt that's true if, even with someone's help, she made an escape from somewhere that warrants death. You have good ideas and I think a good hook here - just make it really work.
I hope you find my comments and suggestions helpful as you choose to review and best of luck with publishing! I hope to see your work in print!
-Kate |
| (3.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
In the first paragraph, I'm not sure you need the thought "spoken" like that in his head. I'd just keep it as narrative.
I'd put the actual time in the first sentence instead of just after two. It grounds the reader a bit better.