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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/col.har
Review Requests: OFF
6 Public Reviews Given
6 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I offer honest feedback about the things you did well, and the things that need work. I know that I prefer honest feedback over niceties. However, I won't nitpick what you've written until you want to give up writing! Remember that what is say is just my personal opinion, and that I genuinely want to help.
I'm good at...
I'm good with grammar, as well as wordage. You can't just say "Patty opened the box. She ate the beans. She gasped." I'd say "Opening the box, Patty screwed her nose in confusion, seeing it was full of beans. Trying one, she gasped, watching her hand turn invisible." I'm also pretty good at making a story flow.
Favorite Genres
I really enjoy SF as well as fantasy of all types.
Least Favorite Genres
I'm not huge on nonfiction, but I'm willing to do reviews for it. Just keep in mind that a review for nonfiction will likely be an essay
I will not review...
Don't ask me to review erotica. I'd like to say that romance is different than erotica, and I'm perfectly fine with romance. I'll also ask that any sadistic violence taking place doesn't happen to small children or babies.
Public Reviews
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Review by Colin Holm Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Good Afternoon, Tmed! I'm Colin Holm,a new writer much like yourself. I know what it's like to be developing my skill, and preparing to enter the professional realm of writing.

THIRD-PARTY READERS TAKE NOTE: SPOILERS AHEAD

PRESENTATION:

Here I'll be talking about your first impression. Why did I stay and read your story, instead of moving on?

         Your story cut right to the chase. "My journey as a writer..." No reader wants to read something by someone who beats around the bush. You did a good job with this! ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
MECHANICS:

Here I'm gonna talk about your physical writing and grammar. A choppy article is no fun to read, after all, because then you'll spend all your time figuring out what a sentence means. Reader immersion is important.

         There's only two issues, and that's great! Most writers make a lot of mistakes; I'm going to guess that you put a good amount of time and effort into this. The first issue: indenting. Indenting is crucial! It lets your readers know when a new paragraph starts, and it creates a little space, making writing seem less cramped. It's not a glaring error, and a lot of writers make this mistake. I've made it! Just keep in mind that it's a major asset to any writer, and proper manuscript format actually requires it. The second issue was that you used the wrong version of its. It's actually one of the few things that an apostrophe has an opposite effect to. With it's, the apostrophe signifies a contraction, not ownership. With For example: "It's a long ride home. Its a fast car!" I know it sounds like I'm only criticizing, but keep in mind that those were the only two errors I found! As for immersion, you did great! I wanted to know about your writing journey. You made me hopeful for my writing career! ⭐⭐⭐⭐
SUMMARY:

         In total, your article was great! Keep up the good work. I hope you continue to improve your skill, and land that perfect job!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐


https://www.shunn.net/format/story/
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Review of The Single Life  Open in new Window.
Review by Colin Holm Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
         Great ideas! I like the fact that you decided to address this issue. Some cynics of your writing might say that you're hiding behind a screen, but I don't think that's the case. Here's why: Writing.com isn't anonymous! You have registered account, and you posted your story. The only issue that I found in your story is in the first paragraph "'I'll be she is just afraid of commitment.'." I think that you meant to say "I'll bet she is just afraid of commitment." In your portfolio, you can go into this story, and there's an option to edit. Other than that, I see no problems at all.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of Fools  Open in new Window.
Review by Colin Holm Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
         I like the theme of your poem, the "embarrassment of the childish", as I would put it. In fact, this reminded me of a quote by C.S. Lewis:
         "To be concerned about being grown up, to admire the grown up because it is grown up, to blush at the suspicion of being childish; these things are the marks of childhood and adolescence." I relate to this quote, and I've often had similar feelings. But what is it to be childish?
         I enjoy the descriptions that you give of childish behavior while still leaving it open to interpretation as to what it means to be childish. I, personally, see a conflicting viewpoint in the contempt of the childish that our vague adult figure has and the line:
"They've figured it out." I feel this way because, to me, it seems as if "adult" is puzzled as to how they feel about the perceived child's actions. The adult seems so confused that they end up contradicting themselves, as you said in the line: "But no matter their intellect, they'll be as dull as the next man." I think that your fictional adult might come from a viewpoint of stunted maturity, such as someone who came from a incredibly overbearing family, causing them to inflate the importance of maturity. These are just my speculations about the meanings of your poetry. Overall, Fools is impressive and fun to read. Keep up the amazing work!⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of Pieces  Open in new Window.
Review by Colin Holm Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Amazing story! This is the coolest story I've seen so far. I only see one issue with your story: you need commas in a few places you don't have them, such as paragraph 1, 5, and 8. Those are just a few examples. Sometimes you don't need to use FANBOYS. In those situations, it's better to just use a comma. Overall, great story. Keep it up!
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