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2 Public Reviews Given
2 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Nutri-plate  Open in new Window.
Review by Coolforgo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I like the beginning, because it caught my attention easily, making me wonder, "What is this contraption anyway?" Which was good, keep that up. What I thought could be better is at the end, after Savana sees the picture, I sorta got lost. So did the machine get rid of the food and replace it with a picture of her losing weight? Or what? Maybe try and smooth that out a bit. I like the imagination of this story, and the dialogue especially. Keep up the good work.
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Review by Coolforgo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Now I haven't read your earlier stories, so I don't know much about the characters so I apologize in advance if I say something about the characters. I notice that Lucario is a werewolf, so I'm basing my review on what I know about them (which isn't a lot I'm afraid). First, I think that when the natives escort Lucario and Thronton to their camp, it's too cut and dry. In other words, try to make it flow better.

Also, instead of saying "make nice" try putting down "stop fighting" or "make peace". Also remember to put commas instead of periods in the dialogue, unless it is the absolute last part of the sentence.

I love your use of vocabulary, and the story itself. I can see the potential in it, but again, just try to make it flow a bit better, and watch your grammar. (Don't worry my grammar sucks too) ;)
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