I was engrossed with your story from beginning to end. What a remarkable way to tell a story! I'm astounded as to how much character revelations were revealed through these personal letters.
I must admit I had to reframe myself from crying at the end and that is super character development.
This is what he wrote:
You spelled friends wrong you spelled it like
this ‘freinds‘. In addition, you spelled goodbye wrong. You spelled it like this “goodbyr”. You have a very good imagination.
I loved your story.
Joseph
Imagine you‘re going to buy a book, most buyers read a little of the beginning, middle and end; then they read the jacket and decide. First impressions are the biggest! Would you buy a book that jump-starts “But it had nobody in the little village; ...” it’s misleading because you get the feel that you’re missing something.
It’s the beginning and your readers are lost. My take is not to open with but!
The other thing is your first paragraph is editorial. Then so is the second, which makes it feel like you’re leading the readers along. Readers don’t like to be let along; they like to live the story. You have to do a little showing instead of telling.
Otherwise, your story was creative and imaginative nevertheless; it needs to be rewritten and made to flow smoothly. The characters appear to be talking heads. They need to be vivid and we need to feel for them.
The story’s plot is great and you do have action moving the story along. As my nephew said, you do have a great imagination. You need a major revision and it will be a fabulous story.
GRAMMAR TUNES TO USE AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION:
(Plus) Moreover, the village had a monster, which had eaten all the people a long, long time ago now the monster is very hungry.
The mayor said (goodbyr) goodbye to his (freinds) friends and family, and went off to kill the monster.
(Everone) Everyone sat in silence shocked than (thay) they all replied at once "We'll all go."
So all one hundred of the town's people went to get the magic balls of the (gardian) guardian of planet earth.
"Men, leave me now to conquer other towns and cites" so all his men left him and all of our heroes (coulndn't) couldn’t be happier.
So all one hundred of them silently and swiftly walked in, just at that moment Luke spotted not one, (COMMA) not two, (COMMA) but three magic balls so twenty of them crept up to them and put them in a bag and another twenty went and got two more.
THIS SENTENCE IS TOO LONG TO BE EFFECTIVE AND SHOULD BE CONCISE OR MADE INTO TWO SEPARATE SENTENCES: But he wasn't alone he had brought five hundred dead people with him but the worrying thing was that the leader was laughing and to tell us why he was laughing he shouted (still laughing) "Men, march in" and just as he finished two thousand troops marched in But for some reason Ben was very calm then both teams shouted at each other at the same time "CHARGE!!" and the battle begun.
Finally, (COMMA) we killed all of their men and we confronted their leader "Grab the magic balls and destroy them,(COMMA)" Ben shouted and one of the dead people (who was called Charlie) who had died three times in battle grabs all seven and quickly destroyed them.
After the tension died down everyone, (COMMA) decided that the dead people should come with them and they agreed so they all went home and lived happily ever after or did they?. (EITHER A PERIOD OR A QUESTION MARK.)
I’m giving you a five star for encouragement because in the real world you’ll have an editor who’ll take care of the grammar. However, readers are lazy and love to penalize writers. They think reviewing means yucky you got errors I’m saved from commenting therefore you failed. The truth is it does distract readers from fully enjoying a story because you feel wow, and he didn’t proofread.
Need articles on what I’ve mention feel free to PM me.
Your introduction highlights hints of what you aim to explain. This is done to stir the mystery that will explain your life to us. I like the simply nature of it and the down to earth point of view voice.
The big HOWEVER, my biggest culprit also! You give us seven sentences and most of them have errors. In the real world writers have editors that take care of the grammar nevertheless, in our amateur world of writers like us; we depend on readers and worst of all reviewers who being critical will clobber you for it.
Me, I suffer from unskillful grammar but it is mod to complain about it – after all they’re covering up for their own inadequacy. This is my own personal opinion and as I’ve stated; not one of my strong points.
I would like to see more of it since, you spiked my interest. You could PM when you post more so I can look into it. Curiosity…tempts me!
MY GRAMMAR TUNES TO USE AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION:
The first thing that I remember about the medicine is a bottle of cough syrup that I broke accidentally (NOT = accidently).
I realized the importance of the medicine on the day when they revealed (NOT = reavelled) the story of my elder brother who died of complication of Measles (NOT = Measels) long before I was born.
Neither SPACE AFTER THE PUTUATION NOR ANY SPACE BEFORE THE ENDING PUNTUATION) “I would be a Doctor and I will serve the people” was the answer that I could tell them silently.
" I would be a Doctor and I will serve the people " was the answer that I could tell them silently.
But the determination (NOT = determiantion) was strong.
And I'm happy now to serve the people in need of medicine and relieve their pain.
And (I) happy now to (searve) the people in need of medicine and (releive) their pain.
Keep writing that's what writers do, regardless.
Coquijontas
A chuckling point of view piece! Oh, how different this was from the usual. I found it hilariously funny. I think you can write another piece for like young children and the kids can get a bigger kick then us adults. The names were creative and made the story interesting. They helped the story flow.
What makes your speech interesting are the words you chose and what hooks the readers is finding out why you chose those words. You introduced what you’re talking about in the opening and given your audience an outline.
What is “CAS” experience? I have no idea what that means!
Okay, I’m ready for more of your speech.
Grammar Tunes:
Everybody knows these emotions, everybody feels.
These are emotions that everybody knows, everybody feels.
While studying in my two psychology classes, I learned that these emotions could affect the way adolescents develop.
While studying in my two psychology classes, I learned that these emotions <can> affect the way <asolescents> develop.
Today I would like to talk to you about my senior project, which includes the physical project, the research paper, and this speech.
Today I would like to talk to you about my senior project<> which includes<:> the physical project, the research paper, and this speech.
I would also like to include problems I encountered and the people who assisted me through this long journey.
I would also like to include problems <i> encountered and the people who assisted me through this long journey.
I found your story interesting and imaginative. She must have not been human living for more then a century. This makes an intriguing element to the story. I loved the flow of this tale.
Grammar Tunes:
We'd completed all the tourist's usual activities - seeing The Eiffel Tower, The Arc de Triomphe, and The Cathedral at Notre Dame.
We'd completed all the tourist's usual activities - seeing The Eiffel Tower, The Arc de Triomphe(,) The Cathedral at Notre Dame.
My spirit was transported back to the South of France in the late 1800's, back to a windy spring day on a hillside covered with flowers.
My spirit was transported back to the South of France in the late 1800's, back to a windy (Spring) day on a hillside covered with flowers.
I also knew that I would never see him again in that life, but I was to determine to hold my head up and that's what I did.
I also knew that I would never see him again in that life, but I was to (determined) to hold my head up and that's what I did.
That is what M. Monet captured on that day - a moment that changed my destiny for I never did see my love again.
(And) that is what M. Monet captured on that day - a moment that changed my (destiny. For) I never did see my love again.
Throughout that life, I was haunted by regret for the loss, regret that I did not swallow my pride, and beg him not to go.
Throughout that life, I was haunted by regret for the loss (and regret that I did not swallow my pride) and beg him not to go.
Nevertheless, trapped am I by my destiny as surely as the woman in the painting is captured for all time - sad, yet proud, standing on a hillside, accepting that which cannot be changed?
But trapped am I by my destiny as surely as the woman in the painting is captured for all time - sad, yet proud, standing on a hillside, accepting that which cannot be changed.
Great imagery and great structure style! Wow, it was also funny at the end. Even if the guy dies at the end, what a shame ... duh, anyone who cares for his car that much deserves to die!
I found your story entertaining and humorous. It just pulled you into the story from beginning to end. Thanks for sharing.
"Dances are for lovers, right?" by Meursault is a short story about firsts feelings of love and heartbreak. It's a deep and passionate story of a 17-year-old coming of age with love!
The point of view story is told through his eyes, which comes in handy as he pours his heart out. It is chosen wisely.
The characters are well depicted and the description is on target.
I found the piece well written but somewhat long. However, the story was great and very heart felt.
"Rock Bottom" was a delightful and captivating story. I liked how you handle the two-version conflict. The reader experiences two dimensions of the same conflict. Throughout, the whole conflict build-up you see the action - what Koby truly feels verses the reality that unravels.
Your structural style for this piece merits contrast because in most conventional short stories, the climax resolution comes towards the end. Your stories climax resolution comes towards the middle. Your resolution enlightens how your protagonist solved his problems. When your conflict was solved, you still had a story to tell and to still hook your readers is exceptional.
I must mention that since this was not an ordinary structure story, the temporary employee who had held Koby’s job for him distracted me. I felt like, oh, there we go again pay back for Koby because I thought the temporary worker would feel cheated. However, as it turned out is a lesson in itself; proves that rules were meant to be broken when you know what you are doing.
This is a masterpiece! My opinion counts too.
Coquijontas
"The Riverboat" and the connotation of how two homeless kids go from rags to riches caught my interest. But the first paragraph did not make as big an impact! However, I persuaded myself to read some more. Julie made Jerry interesting because kids out on the streets are normally out to fend for themselves. When the dialogue turned on, I was literally sucked into the story. Therefore, I think you could use a better hook in your opening chapter.
As a reader, I would have liked to see Merry revealed as some lost relative to either Julie or Jerry. I must say that for some reason I taught she was. Now that is just my insight as a reader and it neither attracts nor detracts.
I found your story interesting and profound. The characters were believable and your dialogue was vivid. You have a knack for great story telling.
This is a unique and great story of the undead; however, towards the middle I rather got tired of the narrative voice. I was intrigued and hooked with the story line. Nevertheless, it was missing the show not tell!
I found the setting too bland but the characters made up for it. However, I felt it could use more dialogue.
Overall, I loved “Dead Not Buried” and with some revision, it would be awesome.
Exquisite, it is unlike other vampire stories and although, eerie it is refreshing. I enjoyed it and was intrigued with the story line. It has a nonchalant point of view voice that draws you into the story.
The sun block idea was original and gave it a mod aura. The surprise vampire fans for dinner were superb.
I found the over all outlook of the structure good. Yet, I am hoping the rest is not as narrative as the introduction.
I found the concept of your story intriguing. However, I feel the plot needs a little more working into the story. The melodramatic voice is excellent. Your characters are believable and the setting is just right.
Nevertheless, I feel your story suffers in the opening and ending. I had to read the first paragraph three times to figure out the underlying meaning of "scum". Dear me, I am stupid I thought he was diseased.
Now I am not legalistically knowledge but the opening of your story sensor me on doubting the reality of the story line. In other words, as a reader I found it hard to sallow and thought the narrator was misleading me.
The ending to your story though spunky, failed to show me the incarcerated youngster sucked out of his glory days. I believe you relied on too much narration and failed at this. Why I feel you have to incorporate this into the story is because this is the title of the story.
You poke too many points of ideas into one paragraph and should emphasize one point in a paragraph. Which makes them too long and they distract the reader. I think you should rework your story mixing up short and long varying your paragraph lengths.
It is a great story that has a uniqueness of a rarity that calls attention. I enjoyed reading the captivating freshness of the subject.
Keep writing,
Coquijontas
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