Oh, very nice. Terrific description, good rythym, an actual story line, creative rhymes, interesting beginning.
I only had a problem with verse four mostly line four. It was stiff and the flow and rhyme wasn't as consistent as the rest of your piece. I'd really like it if you could find a way to say exactly that, or even something different, and still have it suit the format and not feel like a break in the verse.
Also, give yourself a good title and description and I'm sure you'll see more hits and reviews on this. It's well written.
Cute and simple love story that I think could be more impacting. Instead of just telling us what the two teens feel how about showing us how they feel.
I think more description into their lives would make a better linking bond in the reader's mind of how these two can connect and what makes them need each other.
Does Samantha run from darwin because she is ashamed? Afraid? Concerned?
To me this seems like a semi-draft that could be taken much farther. But maybe you just really aren't that concerned about it.
So---yeah.
(“You ------- slut! Her father yelled as soon as he found out. “Get out of my damn house and never come back, you and that bastard child can die in the gutter for all I care.” ) <-- forgot the ending " After slut.
(With the death of her mother, it seemed no cared if she was alive or dead. She had no friends; this wasn’t because she was mean spirited, it was because she was shy and kept to herself.) <---- "It seemed no -one- cared if.." Just needs a one.
The punch line was good, I'm nearly positive I smiled to myself and shook my head.
But I have to say your second paragraph, which is basically your entire story, was jumbled and didn't seem to flow right.
"My options were clear here. I could grab the fork and stab myself in the eye, creating a diversion. However, I’m sure once the bandages were secure my love life would be up for discussion again."
It seemed like you were goign to say, "I could do this or I could do that" I think what makes it sound that way is the "I could.." if it were, "The only way to create a diversion.." or "I can either.."
I don't think, "However" fits in as well and the erk in the text it doesn't really stop there.
The entire paragraph doesn't read properly, it feels wrongly organized and a little goofy.
So while I like the idea and found myself giggling in silence, if this were a not a flash fiction but instead a full story that one paragraph would be your entire middle all jumbled up. You get?
So with that, my rating will be rather sad looking.
Courtesy of Bachelor Cabin Review
---Cordelia
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