That's truly lovely. I like the bringing in of nature with the times when the veil between this world and the next is very thin...and then the reality of war making that veil so very thin indeed. Thank you.
This is very lovely and I thank you for sharing it. I linked to it from the column on being grateful. Thank you for sharing your own situation and God's grace in your life. It is an encouraging reminder to me.
I see you wrote this some time ago and I wouldn't have any revisions to suggest anyway. I'm not sure I'm understanding the last phrase, "you will find Him where you left Him." But it has a good ring to it and maybe that's what I need to ponder: where in my life am I not seeking or following Him?
Thanks again and many blessings.
I really like your theme, and you deal with it powerfully and succinctly.
There are a few things that would make it clearer. First thing, typos:
First sentence, "Like" (and take out the "if" that follows or maybe both like and if). Second sentence, "may" is repeated.
The first sentence is a bit of a run-on. Think about starting it "Fear." Then maybe each phrase as its own sentence: "Monsters under your bed. Night lights needed. ..."
In the next paragraph you've got some extra words that do nothing. How about "For some reason, (or even omit that) everyone forgets that after..."
Next part:
Which may sound like "No duh, Sherlock." Likewise, depression is temporary. Much like the scary...
And take at least one "just" out of the last sentence. Maybe both.
Thanks for sharing this. It's a helpful reminder to me right now. If you have a personal anecdote to emphasize it, it may be even more powerful.
This is lovely. I think I'd even call it a poem rather than a short story. You show that this is a dialogue over time by referencing the acne, during and after. The repetition by the mirror is very apt -- the same positive message again and again in the face of so many challenges to it.
The one line I personally wish wasn't there was "At least my face is thin." Though that may be your own experience and true to life, it wouldn't fit mine...or, unfortunately, the self-perception of too many women. At this point I don't experience it as invalidating, but there might have been a time when I would have. (Now I just redefine myself as circumferentially gifted.)
Anyway, I like it a lot. Thanks very much. It is a very peaceful and affirming work.
Oh, that is fine. It took me a couple of readings before I got it. But it's lovely, and you do such a good job of describing getting blood samples. (I donate platelets, so it's familiar.)
There might be a run-on sentence or two (second sentence?), but I wouldn't really quibble with the punctuation or grammar. And your word choices are wonderful. I LOVE your final line!
Thanks.
Hi. This is a hopeful, thoughtful essay/monologue. I like the ideas and I like the repeated parallel structure that gives it impact. Your grammar, spelling, etc. seem to be without error.
One suggestion: using "men" where I think you are talking about people in general is a little ambiguous and maybe outdated. I'm not sure what you mean by "the age of men," and drugs, alcohol and junk food poison not just our sons and brothers but our daughters and sisters.
Thanks for sharing this. May it be true for us all.
I like the idea of the setting you have produced to help you express poetic thoughts. It's a good reminder that preparing to write is helpful in getting the ideas and words coming. Thanks.
Some spelling and grammar hints:
Line 3: enhances
Line 7: think of, think about; seek or look for
Line 8: visions compel or vision compels
Punctuation: I'm not sure why you put periods after each line as that usually indicates the end of a sentence and most of them aren't sentences. You might want to try just omitting any punctuation and let the line breaks express your pauses.
It's a lovely and evocative poem. I even wish you had a little more descriptive detail of the setting that helps you write. Thank you!
This is a fascinating and provocative conversation. It's very interesting and dramatic. Thanks for sharing it.
I am guessing that English is not your first language because some of your phrasing doesn't sound idiomatic, even though you are writing with great complexity and a wonderful vocabulary. Or am I completely mistaken? If that's the case, I'd suggest you find someone you know who is a native speaker and ask that person to check for phrases that are atypical (e.g."in the same time" in the second-last paragraph is more commonly written "at the same time." Another is that for a male-female pair you would refer to "HER husband" and "HIS wife.")
Your writing is very powerful. It just needs a little retranslation. Thanks.
Sounds like it will be an interesting analysis.
Just to play with the metaphor a bit, I recommend that if you haven't you read "the Interior Castle" by Teresa of Avila. (Also may be called "The Mansions.") Although her purpose is different (she has written a centuries-old classic work of Catholic spirituality) the fact that she uses the very same metaphor as an interior journey, and the fact that the image will be familiar to at least some of your readers, suggests that it could be valuable to check out. For a more contemporary/somewhat New Age/psychological view of this, you might check out Caroline Myss, though I think her interpretation is a little out there.
Wow. Beautiful. Thank you.
I have a few suggestions if you want to tighten up your meter. I will use line numbers for brevity.
1) perfect
2) great. If you wanted to lengthen your phrases you could say "WHO paid..."
3) "to (or for) you, my God, I would refuse no thing" or " give everything"
4) horribly doesn't scan.... Try some other things "who died upon the cross" would fit but is too obvious. "You died a dreadful (or shameful) death..." " your broken heart and body make me whole"... You let them ( or us) break your life to make me ( or us) whole. " I don't know. But see if you can make this truthmore vivid and new.
5) "..the heav'ns..." Or the skies or your home if you want to keep the rhythm exact, but as you said, the Bard didn't always, either. (Iambic is "da-DUM" "the South," not "southern", BTW.)
6) you could say "And did not" if you wanted to extend the sentence.
7) good.
8) good, or "But came..." See 6.
9) 10 syllables, okay. If you wanted to be fussy about the stresses, you could say "you lived here as a carpenter's dear son" or "You lived for thirty years a workman's son"
10) good
11)"And from the cross you did not..."
12) "Both hands and feet by cruel nails have been scarred." Or something. You have an extra syllable.
13)Take out the second "my" or else "my Lord, my God" to get 10 syllables
14) is this really the line you want? It sounds a little rhyme-forced to me, even though I have a sonnet that ends with the same last rhymes:
"Yet here it is we see our Lord and God.
"How wonderful Your ways. How strange. How odd."
But that's the magi thinking how weird it was to find him in the stable and not the palace.
If you like it, just switch to "I never will begin..."
If you aren't quite satisfied, try the word "awed" for your last rhyme, or switch "God" and "Lord" around in 13 and work with a different set of rhymes: word, adored, soared, sword, etc. Or you could go back to King, but that would give you ABAB CDCD AA which you may not want.
Anyway, those are just nit picks that you may want to mess with or may not. But thank you for the beautiful theme and may you continue to praise God with your life and words.
That is one very clever story with some great twists and turns. I like the world you have created and you give your characters personality without going into a lot of detail. I enjoyed it and wanted to know what would happen next.
Unfortunately, I was very distracted by a number of misspellings and confusing punctuation. It's more than I can go through...there may be some tools for doing it on this site that I don't know about yet. But it did make reading it harder. Maybe you can reread it, or have someone else proof it for you. But, for example, I think you omitted an apostrophe in the title and so instead of saying "The Cat's Out of the Bag" -- "the cat is out" -- you have two or more cats and no sentence.
I like the story a lot. And I really like Fred. But "King Author"? It needs proofing.
A very clear, cogent, and well-written guide to beginning journaling.
I would add one other caution ( though maybe this is just me): "start in the middle." Too often when I decided to start journaling I would write as if Page 1 should contain "My Life So Far." Needless to say, I never made it to Page 2.
BTW, I'm sort of a compulsive proofreader, but I found nary a comma out of place.
Thanks for this good post!
Excellent! Congratulations on a nice use of the form, with something to say!
Is that a typo in line 6 or an intentional variation?
I might make different choices on some of your punctuation, but I'm guessing it indicates the way you hear the lines read.
I especially like lines 13-14: "harmony from chaos."
Thanks.
A powerful and heartfelt reflection. Thank you for sharing it. Condolences to you and your family.
There are a few grammar and punctuation items that might make it clearer. I like, by the way, your three-verbs-in-a-row phrases that you used.
"Charles LAY there..." And ..."lifeless body just lay there." The past tense of "lie" whereas "laid" is past tense of "lay" where one lays something (on the table, e. g.)
"...horrific thoughts of all, "Why..." Cap W.
"They watched. They talked. They prayed." VERY expressive.
"Nothing else they could do except TRY" Maybe take out "else" also.
"Life support: that is what they call" or "Life support -- that is what". Or maybe even "Life support. That is..." The comma in the next sentence seems fine to me.
"We are not selfish. We just love him and ARE not ready..." In general, some of your long sentences might have more impact if they are broken apart. The short sentences you use seem very effective to me, and I like the contrast.
"...or maybe even speakS."
"...this decision OUT of..."
"Charles' body...." All probably just typos.
"A small reprieve. His daughter has decided..." Or a colon or dash, no comma after daughter.
"...my brother, Charles Williams, did not wait..." Either two commas or none.
"Travel well, my brother." Comma.
Thank you again for this well-told experience. You convey the feeling of being there to the reader. Blessings and peace.
This is a lovely idea. I would like to see you develop a bit more the idea that the moon from a distance is beautiful despite its close-up imperfections - how might that relate to the reader and one's own self-judging?
Some suggestions:
You need paragraphs. It would help the meaning and make it a more welcoming read. Right now it is a big block of text.
You repeat "dark night sky" at least twice. Use another phrase at least once.
Do the moon's beams "dance gracefully"? To me that implies a movement I don't see. Maybe there's a better metaphor you could use.
"Allowing night to occur as we know it" - you mean, night with a moon? But as you mention, we also know moonless nights. I like the idea of the tides as the moon's "job" - I'm just not sure the second part follows.
"A grey, barren planet" -- no second comma.
A number beginning a sentence should be spelled out. Or start one of the sentences with something else..."That distance of..."
I think the phrase should be "If the moon were sentient" using the subjunctive (not used much or properly in English.) However you do it (ask someone, maybe), please don't repeat it three times in a row. Phrase that aside in the middle in a different way: "bear with me a moment, as I know the idea is beyond strange--". Or something.
"It would truly think itself an ugly being." Are you sure? Perhaps the moon is vain. Perhaps it's playful and hides and plays peekaboo. Perhaps its reflection of the sun's light is an act of worship. (The Virgin Mary is sometÃmes referred to in hymns as reflecting God's light like the moon.) once you make the moon sentient, you never know what might happen.
"The moon is truly a beautiful thing, wouldn't you agree?" You said at the beginning that we all agree on that (Are you sure?) so why are you asking me now?
Anyway, thank you for a fun, thoughtful essay. You might want to develop it further: do a little research on the ways the moon has been seen over time and across cultures (the rabbit in the moon, the poem "the moon's the North Wind's cooky," etc. or a little of the science. Were you alive when Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon? Or when we first saw the earth from space, and how that transformed human perspective? Have fun. I like it.
I very much like the idea behind this work, that God created the universe to share it. And it is written in an engaging way, and very concisely. When I read it the second time I was surprised it was as short as it is; a big idea is put in a small package.
Two suggestions: the first phrase, "He appeared to me," doesn't seem to me to have the descriptiveness or originality the rest of it does. It's more like what you'd have to start the story of a God-appearance with. I don't have any better suggestions but you might consider it.
Also, I like the descriptor "bugs-bunny coat," but i don't know what it means. Grey coat with white underside? It sort of puzzled me.
Thank you for this reflection!
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