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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/coryn
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6 Public Reviews Given
15 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Tyryn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I admire the casual "realness" and depth of these personalities. From the first sentence, we're witness to Monica's thoughts and emotions, so genuine it feels as if this should be nonfiction. Her nervous gestures and those of the young man who nearly had an accident make them three-dimensional characters almost effortlessly, in the space of a few well-chosen descriptions. The way she speaks to her baby starts in the usual soothing tone soon-to-be mothers use to shush, comfort, or simply make their voices known to their babies.

And then, when her unborn son responds with the painful movement just as common in the latter part of a pregnancy, she slips into a plea half to the child and half to the universe itself, to stop hurting her. Maybe her pain-wrested cry is more important as the first hint of her willingness to seek help from and see significance in the uncontrollable situation she infds herself in, but I find it ironically poignant as a simple reassurance Monica has the kind of human reaction we would expect from...well, a person, not just a character. From a mom, not a mere two-dimensional fictionland portrayal of or commentary on motherhood.

While the exterior symbolism is explicit, we're also granted an interior reflection of the story mood's character-driven elements. Starting with Monica in dread and the driver in shock, we shift through her panic and his helplessness, her frustrated and apalled disbelief and his astonished fear, to both of them accepting the situation and their fates therein with determination and wonder. Descriptives are nicely chosen, and I think that the context is clear enough I'd understand the not-American (I don't know if that's the best word, or a word at all, but un-American is DEFINITELY the wrong one--lol) terms even if I didn't know their meanings to begin with.

"Turn of luck" is just the right way to put it, when what begins as horrible fix for them both redeem istelf into a sort of fortunate miracle.
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Review by Tyryn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I'm not familiar with poetry ratings (and when I say "you" I mean the voice of this story and not simply the author). But with a work this personal, I think the most important thing is how it helps you cope or reflect or continue; and if fiction, how it makes you feel to write this. While I would prefer a longer piece, or more detailed, to really reel me in and entangle me within these emotions, there's a certain enchanted directness lent by the brevity.

This poem makes me feel like crying, but that may just be my life experiences being rifled through with these impressions...which actually is probably the most obvious success of this piece (for readers). The mourning, disbelief, and finally, a form of acceptance (or at least moving into a new life) will strike chords--at least one of them should hold significant meaning to most of us. Admitting to (or fearing, or hoping for) moving on only comes after a glimpse of life before this loss, and the perceived failures therein.

When you say that history together was full of promise and pain, you're really saying that past was, in a way, empty. It was full of potential unmet, lonely companionship; railing impotently against the darkness, suffering as another hurt themself and you. But your story passes out of this night and into day: to loosening the bindings grief and memory and joined suffering wrapped around your heart, and rehabilitating that heart freed from the baggage that had so long constricted it.

The poignancy of the framing is in part due to an ironic juxtaposition--the bright future unable to warm the heavy past that has left an indelible mark. But this repetition at beginning and end tells us just as much by how it differs. In the opening, you contemplate what has happened, keeping the past and mistakes in your thoughts. You kneel, as if in supplication to those memories. In both the beginning and the end, you recognize the demarcation between such elements of the past and your future, and wearily observe that it's too early for such a loss as you have suffered.

In the end, even as you acknowledge this past, you do not dwell on it to the exclusion of the sunny day.
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Review of Hunter  Open in new Window.
Review by Tyryn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
The voice is pitch-perfect, succinct and rapid-paced in a manner that makes sense given a main character who expects vampires and means to kill them. Hurried thoughts draw in the reader, communicating the tension and drawing the reader into that near-desperation where every action has to be quick and well-timed or else life is forfeit.

While the brevity and glossing-over of details suits the character and situation, the contrast of this action-driven narrative with the descriptive sections slowing down the movement of the piece is actually welcome. By stringing together several appropriate descriptions of Brandon's breathing in the beginning, you summon the impression of slowing, struggling breaths and the approach of death. Describing the vampires so vividly makes their importance in the main character's life and/or job exquisitely clear.

Rather than slow down the action, I think these segments portray the character's focus and hint at the depth of danger. Lingering on vampires' appearance and attitudes, always assessing the tenor of their words, reveals the character's mindset as much as it does the vampires' and their characteristics.

The vampires themselves are refreshingly different, sounding more like an undead abomination than the typical simply-reanimated fare. Plus, their ability to hide their true nature around humans provides the explanation for that disparity between vampire myths and the hideous reality.

Word choice and realism of the actions performed (yes, I know it's fantasy) is a hangup for me, however. I liked the attitude, the flow, and the characterization, but something seemed a little off about the whole piece. One that stands out is using the -ing form of a word when telling that a character did something: "His gaze rising...." You ought to make that an active verb or change the sentence to one that should have "rising" in it instead of "rose".

Several times throughout the piece, you have questionable actions occur. If there is some magical or otherwise cause behind these differences, you should hint at it. Otherwise, look carefully at certain instances to see how they might make more sense. Some mention that she pins his shoulders to hold him still enough to reach his mouth would be nice--it sounds as if somehow his shoulders were blocking her from his mouth.

What enables the Hunter to suck tainted blood out of a person--not just draining it through their mouth, but also sucking the tainted blood out fiirst? In our world, the vampire curse would be in the entire person, or only confined to an arm or something if it hadn't had time to spread. Now, magic changes things, but it would be nice to learn, if not HOW it changes things, at least that it is involved. Can a person transfuse blood into another just by cutting them both? In our world, with ordinary humans, the answer is no. If in this world, or for this character, it is a possibility, a hint as to why would be nice. Like saying she used her magic to move the blood, if that were the case--a simple addition of a few words to describe what permitted the action.

Hopefully, such issues as the unexplained observations and lack of personal development in either non-vampire will be addressed through the next piece--and waiting for these things is perfectly acceptable to a reader--but some things need to be clarified now.

What, exactly, was done to those vampire bones in that transformation--or, if nothing, which bones were used--to create that shape and the powerful jaw? Those stakes are the Hunter's usual weapons, right? Then why would she have one in a place where it would hamper her movement? If she wouldn't, how did it get there? All this time, where were knuckle spikes large enough to stake a vampire through the heart? Did she put them on in the fight? Have them on from the start, and how awkward woudl that be? Why is her fist better able to push a stake through than her arms (that one can have realistic reasons).

How did she catch the vampire after it had already been running for awhile? Unless she's really, really fast, or it's equally slow (which makes no sense because then how could it gain momentum enough for takeoff), it shoudln't have been so easy or quick for her to reach the vampire after watching it run for awhile. She should have had to run after it from the start, and only catch up and leap on it while it wasn't looking. Or perhaps it never had the chance to run far at all, but if this is the case, it needs to be slightly more apparent. Plus, if she's really far away, a person with that much blood loss shouldn't be walking far to reach her, blood loss or no (that's not to say he couldn't, just that it wouldn't be smart--although, in all likelihood, it is only her blood that enables him to do this, because an ordinary human wouldn't be able to very well or at all).

Is this character a woman? She comes across as a woman, but the audience will likely want to know that within the first paragraph (the first "real" paragraph--the impact of those first two sentences, that first line, is heavy in a good way, as it draws in and catches the sympathy of the reader, so I think it should be kept as-is or really close). And yes, I suck at this, myself. But some sort of trivial, offhand action like tossing her hair out of her face while she checks on Brandon could go miles toward making the reader feel like they know this character.

CAVEAT: if the Hunter is meant to seem androgynous or considers her own gender nonexistent (or if it actually is), then you can leave this aspect for the next piece. However, you would likely be best served by making THAT apparent right at the beginning too. You don't have to (shouldn't) be heavy-handed, of course, and wouldn't be hurt by leaving the reader feeling as if they know the gender or lack thereof, but wondering (any means of keeping the reader wanting to know more is usually a good thing as long as they feel they've gained enough information from what they've already read to make it [both what they've already read and the prospect of reading more] worthwhile).
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