This is cute! Kids are the greatest!. I like the title - because he can...The repetition is well placed and the pattern with your words works well. I like that you start off with -
little boy with the (x3)
then
with a complete change of patter in the middle
then
little boy smiles and (x3)
I really enjoyed that! I was in tears laughing so hard about the restauran conversation that was overheard.... It was a hoot. I think you did it perfectly in a short story. Do you have any other gems about overheard dining experiences - could make for a great collection. The title really tied the whole piece together. It's so funny what we assume and what is actual when it comes to people of other cultures. She as well may not be the typical Japanese girl. Who know's Levi - there still maybe an Oriental out there waiting for you. Thanks for sharing your story. It was fun!
I really like this.. It's sad though. The lost of a loved one is - well there is nothing like it. I love the chorus. I can totally hear this being sung - it may not be what you had in mind but it has an easy flow that makes it simple to make up a melody. I think that's always good - it means there are so many ways that one could go with it. Do you play an instrument - I could see guitar or piano.
Some suggestions take them or leave them. I do truly like the song the way it is - just thought some word changes might say the same thing differently.
Maybe I should just give up
I feel like I could die
If I could just let go
And let myself cry
Could there be anything
And I don't know now, what I should do
How do I pick up and go
and leave it all behind
Take off with all my stuff
Erase you from my mind
I am currently writing a song called without you - but it's about starting over after a divorce. Good luck to you - It's a great song..
What a way to find out your baby's getting married! So unique you couldn't be upset. A well written account of a beautiful moment. Made the taxi ride more bearable I bet. It's crazy how things can stop us in our tracks and remind us how beautiful, wonderful and completely amazing life is. Thanks for sharing your moment! I enjoyed it!
Ah ha! Wonderful!!!! One of the best little poems I have read. I enjoyed it so much I will be looking into your portfolio for more. I am a sucker for rhyme. It's my favorite. I really enjoyed your colorful words as well. It made it all the more fun to read! Thank you!
I enjoyed your poem. Short sweet and to the point. I too love rhyme. This was good! I could read this over again - well thought our and versed.
Maybe instead of Is an undefying step you might say
Love..
The undefying step
Beautiful
Even thought we've wept
I like this! You used a lot of detail and one was able to imagine the exchange of emotion and physical space between the two people. I felt like your poem climbed to a height of both emotion and physical space :) I'm choosing my words :) and as gently as it began you closed with the speaking of the bond of both spirit and soul between the two. A very lucky girl - I'd say..... Good luck to you. I can see this in a collection of Passion Poems, not quite cute and not quite erotic. I enjoyed it....
Love it! Writing parodies is one of my favorite things to do, they come in as great gifts for friends and special occasions mostly! Anyway I got a little lost with the milkman part. Actually played it on the guitar and thought it go a little rough matching the rhythm of the song near the end. All in all a great parody. Love the title. You have a real gift with words. Good job! Looking forward to reading some more of your work!
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