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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/crazy4matt
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5 Public Reviews Given
57 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Crazy Writer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Emotional, thought provoking, and well written. A brief view of the decisions hundreds of families face as parents and loved ones age.

I am not sure I like the repetition of "on good days" you use when describing how Sarah spent her time when feeling at her best. It works though.

The story flows well and conveys the feelings of responsibility and growing weariness and anxiety felt by the husband as he watched over his wife.


~Have a Great Day and Keep Writing!~
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Review of My Heart's Desire  Open in new Window.
Review by Crazy Writer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
You have a good message which you are able to convey well, showing the reader how important your faith is to you.

I would suggest saying more with fewer words. There are times when I feel you could reword a line to improve the flow:

There's a desire in my heart that runs so deep
It touches my very being, so much that sometimes I weep
Sad tears, not at all, my tears are happy as they fall
A desire running so deep in my heart
Touching my very being, so much I weep.
Sad tears? Not at all, they are happy as they fall.

This is just a suggestion that might help the flow-be less passive and draw your reader in.

You have many commas where none are needed, and none in spaces where it might enhance the line:

I think about it, I pray about it, I dream about it Through my eyes of faith, it's all I can see
I think, pray, and dream about it. Through my eyes of faith its all I can see.
Another way to bring this line out would be to seperate it into a four or five line stanza of its own:
I think about it,
I pray about it,
I dream about it,
Through my eyes of faith
Its all I can see.

I'll faith it till I make it, it's what I've learned to do I have to believe that my heart's desire, in time will come true (I would seperate this into two lines)

I'll faith it 'till I make it, just what I've learned to do.
I have to believe that my heart's desire, in time, will come true.

You have a great start and a good feel, a little bit of work will bring this up to an outstanding poem about faith.








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Review by Crazy Writer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
A very intriguing story so far, but some simple errors in grammar ruin the flow.

Kindra then looked down at the man, and caught a glompse
I’m pretty sure you meant glimpse

She saw Kaylin standing ther
standing there

Kaylin was frightened, she had heard the stories of Bladewings, but never thought that she would have to face her. (end of paragraph) Kaylin was furious (start of new paragraph)
I know that a person can be frightened and furious at the same time, but ending one paragraph and starting the next the same way just doesn’t flow very well. Perhaps cut the first sentence of the paragraph entirely, the second sentence again states that ‘she was shaking with fury’.

The whole town is gon because
is gone

Are you affraid
afraid

show up in the demon it belongs
if the demon

is in need or help
is in need of help

Kaylins mind flashed back to Bladewings
Kaylin’s mind


There was one part of the story that confused me, if Bladewings had stabbed Kaylin deep in the side, how would she be able to go for a walk and not mention anything about pain? What happened to her staff, did she take it with her on the walk? You do mention that she fainted when it happened, but I don’t think she would be cheerful and happy with such a wound.

You have a great idea going here and I can’t wait to read more.

Have a Great Day and Keep Writing!
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