Hello GG very happy, here is my Review for your story.
PLOT:
A teenager who has reached the age that allows him to go beyond his native world and explore earth and experiences air for the first time.
CHARACTERIZATION:
You to a wonderful job describing the character so the reader can get a feel for him and his thinkings and the emotional state he was in. He was fascinated, in awe, and happy that he got the chance to experiences air for the first time. His physical appearance was discovered as well as his companions, which makes the reader visualize the group. Nicely done.
FLOW
The story moved at a very nice pace, information of the main character and his fellow travelers was given early on for the reader to get good background info then the stories purpose is given (the new discoveries) and the emotional state of the child is revealed. It flowed logically and dramatically.
SPELLING/ GRAMMAR/ SUGGESTIONS:
I noticed no spelling or grammar issues and I have no suggestions for this well written story.
OVERALL THOUGHTS
It connects with the reader on a personal level because it points to two message; one is to not take things that we consider small for granted. Air is natural for us, so its not one of the things that most of us wake up and say "thank you" to, but we should. It also helps us see that "you dont miss a good thing until its gone" or in this case, you can appreciate a good thing when you have it. I love stories that focus on life, its maintenance, and dependence, this story contains all these things.
Hello GG very happy, here is my Review for you story.
PLOT:
Flast Fiction story written for a prompt about a young girl who is suffering low self esteem, continues to see only the bad points of her.
CHARACTERIZATION:
The way this young girl sees herself is so sad and you express her desire to be different with such vivid words, the reader is touched almost to tears. The pressure she is faced in home life as well as school is over powering her. Great job building characters in this piece, each one of them are so real for me. The father's non supportive ways, the mother encouraging voice, and a little girl who is afraid of being herself because of how society she should look.
FLOW
The story moves along in a logical way, that allows the reader to see the typical day for this depressed child. You build up the readers feeling then they explode with sadness at the end knowing that it is like this for so many children.
SPELLING & GRAMMAR:
I noticed no spelling errors and the grammar was perfect.
OVERALL THOUGHTS
I would have loved to see this story end in a happy manner, but that it doesnt brings a certain "realness" to it because in real life there are not always fairytale endings. Very well written and touching piece.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
~Type and/or Purpose~
A contest that the participants draw up education plans for those who home school.
~Mechanics~
I noticed no spelling, grammar, or punctuation errors. Your use of limited WDC ML tags worked well this theme of this contest, its uniformed set up gives it s professional look.
~Content~
The rules are clearly explained in the forums and the prizes are fantastic.
~Suggestions~
I could find no suggestion, everything is well put together, explained, and executed.
~Overall~
I think this is a very unique activity that will help many of the homeschooling parents out there. Good luck with it.
Good luck with your entry
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
VOICE & TONE:
The voice is motivating; one that could be preachy but with just enough power that it does bore but instead encourages. The tone was strong and pleading; asking all to think before they speak.
FORM:
You followed the form perfectly, each of the seven lines following the title/ first line starts with the same letter as the title.
RHYME & RHYTHM:
The rhyme pattern in this poem was very unique and I think its worked well with the form. Though its normal for the Pleiades not to have a rhyme pattern, you took the form and made it your own. The flow was wonderful and smooth; allowing the reader to consume the words and be wrapped in them. Nicely done.
IMAGERY:
The words you choose to use for this poem show the magnitude that our spoken and written words have on others and ourselves; great job. Not only does it give the reader some to think about but it also shows in clear wording what speaking lies can do to the soul. Great job!
SPELLING & PUNCTUATION:
I noticed no spelling errors. I would have to suggest that you consider adding a few comma's in the piece to allow the reader to take appropriate pauses. Such as in the third line from the bottom, place a comma after the word "Winsome"; I think doing this will give greater impact through the pause.
OVERALL THOUGHTS:
I love the message in this poem, it one that needs to be heard by children and adults alike. Our words are powerful and can literal destroy or build up a person; your poem expresses that through vivid words that speak to the reader on a personal level.
It has been a pleasure reading your entry, winners will be announced soon. I hope to see your entry in the next Round, which is to compose a Quizaine Poem.
VOICE & TONE:
The voice of this poem is strongly expressive of true love and the trials that couples go through. The tone is endearing and compassionate.
FORM:
You followed the form of the Pleiades well, each of the seven lines after the title start with the same letter as the title word/ first line.
RHYME & RHYTHM:
No rhyming in this poem as is normal with this poetry form. The rhythm was good in most part. I did hesitate around the third line.
IMAGERY:
I thought the imagery for the most part was nice in this poem, however I think you used too many weak words. These low image giving words overpower the meaning of the poem and dont give the reader clear images. A stronger word to end your lines will greatly enhance this, example, instead of using "and" to end your third line, consider ending this line after "love" or adding a more descriptive word to carry the reader to the next line.
SPELLING:
I noticed no spelling errors.
OVERALL THOUGHTS:
The message within this poem is well expressed with words, but I would have like to see the same in visuals. You've composed a nice form poem and it will be greatly improved if more descriptive words are added.
It has been a pleasure reading your entry, winners will be announced soon. I hope to see your entry in the next Round, which is to compose a Quizaine Poem.
VOICE & TONE:
The tone of this poem is threatening, as it points out how time is not on our side and runs out rather quickly. The voice is from someone who is wishing there was more time to get on with life. Very well done with composing a poem of such a deserving subject.
FORM:
You followed the form of the Pleiades perfectly, each of the seven lines after the title start with the same letter as the title. The consistency in the syllables for each line is appreciated, as it compliments the form wonderfully.
RHYME & RHYTHM:
No rhyme pattern in this poem as is normal with this type of poetry. The rhythm was very harmonious, due largely to the syllable structure and good fitting words that give such a smooth flow. Great Job.
IMAGERY:
Wonderful words comprise this poem and make the reader think about how short life is and that it is constantly being measured by time. Good choice words in this poem that vividly express the message. Excellent work!
SPELLING:
No spelling errors in this poem.
OVERALL THOUGHTS:
I enjoyed reading this poem, it made me think and I like that. You followed the form perfectly and choose a good topic that works well with such a poetry form.
It has been a pleasure reading your entry, winners will be announced soon. I hope to see your entry in the next Round, which is to compose a Quizaine Poem.
Hello wrigs, Here is my review for your entry in the
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1124783 by Not Available.
VOICE & TONE:
The voice of this poem is from someone who is thinking of past communications with someone on a not so happy note. The tone is sad and dramatic.
LINE & STANZA STRUCTURE:
The first line of the poem works well with enticing someone to read it. A good portion of the poems lines end in non visual words which makes the reader hang on them instead of a smooth transition into the next line. The last line of the poem was well thought out, it gives closer to the subjects ultimate decision: thinking they have no worth. Though the thought is not "nice" itself, but the thought it provokes in the reader works nice with the rest of the poem.
RHYME & RHYTHM:
No rhyme pattern in this poem, but Free Verse. The flow was nice as all of the lines were structured in a fashion as to contain a similar amount of syllables.
IMAGERY w/ relation to the prompt:
I thought the imagery was not as strong as it could have been in this poem. There are very few lines that I could see or relate to an image of "acceptance". You tell the reader what is going on, but as far as visuals, I could not connect with any picture. In relation to the prompt, I do not believe the poem to be directly or indirectly related to the prompt, which called for a poem describing how you have removed unwanted creatures living in your backyard or how you have learned to coexist with them.
SPELLING:
I noticed no spelling errors.
OVERALL THOUGHTS:
My opinions on this poem are on its written merit but not in relation to the contest as I feel the point of the contest was missed.
VOICE & TONE:
This poem has a very strong, enlightening tone as you focus on the choice that we have to choice how to live out of lives. The voice is from someone who wishes to set the record straight, its filled with passion and desire to better things and/or people.
FORM:
You remained on target with the form, all of the lines contained the proper amount of words.
RHYME & RHYTHM:
No rhyme pattern in this form which is normal for the Pi Poem. The rhythm was so smooth, I didnt notice any of the end lines, it was very well composed to focus the readers on other things besides its flow. Very well done.
IMAGERY:
Great words used in this poem which are very expressive and give the reader a clear look at this state. I like the double meaning in the 1st line, as it gives the thought of someone lurking in wait or someone telling a fib; great job using poetic devices to enhance your poem. I love the line, "Liquid courage" that was very strong and aided the poem in getting the message across. Excellent job.
SPELLING:
I noticed no spelling errors
OVERALL THOUGHTS:
I enjoyed this poem of the changes that people make when they are under the influence of mind altering things. I thought the poem at a whole was very original and well written. A great compliment to the Pi Poem.
It has been a pleasure reading your entry, winners will be announced soon. I hope to see your entry in the next Round, which is to compose a Pleiades Poem.
VOICE & TONE:
LINE & STANZA STRUCTURE:
The first line of this poem is excellent, in it you have provided a world of imagery. This line draws the reader in while it sets them up for the basis of the poem. The small line size of the poem convey tension, this allows the reader to see and feel the excitement of the fireworks. Each of your stanza take a different subject to focus on allowing the reader to take in all in at at different times throughout the write.
RHYME & RHYTHM:
The poem read very smoothly, I enjoyed the rhyme pattern of a,b,c,b. The rhyming was consistent and there was no hesitation which allowed for a nice read.
IMAGERY & RELATION TO PROMPT:
Good imagery throughout, the reader can actually take a break from their usual and go into this exciting poem and see the fireworks and feel the happiness that such an event brings.
SPELLING:
I noticed no spelling errors in this poem.
OVERALL THOUGHTS:
I thought this was a very well written piece. The image that it brought to mind makes me miss the 4th and the fireworks it brings...not to mention the food.
It has been a pleasure reading your entry, I hope you will join us in the next round. Remember you can enter the contest, receiving 200 GP's and a detailed review, every month until you have been a member of WDC for six months.
VOICE & TONE:
This poem has a sad tone and the voice is from someone who is missing a part of them on a special day.
LINE & STANZA STRUCTURE:
The first line was nice and used a nice metaphor which draws the reader into the poem. The long lines of the poem convey a message of strong emotions. Most of the lines ended in strong words which allow the reader to smoothly mend into the next line. The end line was nicely done and finally incorporated something from the prompt.
RHYME & RHYTHM:
No rhyme pattern in this poem. While your line structure was well organized the flow was a bit obscured. I hesitated during most of the read, It read more like prose as it told a vivid story and didnt contain to many poetic devices.
IMAGERY & RELATION TO PROMPT:
The imagery was nice for what you were trying to accomplish with the subjects relationship however in relation to the prompt, I did not see anything related to the patriotic holiday except in the very last line of the poem.
SPELLING:
I noticed no spelling errors.
OVERALL THOUGHTS:
I thought for a different prompt contest, this poem would be nice. I do think you should do some editing of the piece in order for it to reach its full potential.
It has been a pleasure reading your entry, I hope you will join us in the next round. Remember you can enter the contest, receiving 200 GP's and a detailed review, every month until you have been a member of WDC for six months.
~Type and/or Purpose~
A contest that literally prepares future authors with putting their manuscripts together.
~Mechanics~
The grammar was good and clear for anyone to understand. Most of the spelling was on target, however I did notice the following typos/spelling errors.
In the line that states, "3. Store your book in either a book type or (for those who aren't uprgaded)" - "uprgaded" should be "upgraded"
In the line that states, "Lots of technial help, and the hosting of the group!" - "technial" should be "technical"
~Content~
The set up and guidelines are clearly stated and convey exactly what needs to take place for each person to participate in the contest. The break down of each round is very nicely put. The judging process is explained well and the deadline clearly stated.
~Suggestions~
Fixing the spelling on two of the words will keep the professionalism of this contest strong.
~Overall~
I really like this contest, I think it is encouraging and helpful to unpublished authors who may not know what the process details and gives the head start. Good luck with future rounds.
Good luck with your entry
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
~Type and/or Purpose~
To create a multi-poet ongoing limerick in the form of an In & Out.
~Mechanics~
I love your use of WDC ML tags, it makes the activity so welcoming and easy to understand - with the bulleted items. I noticed no grammar or spelling errors. Punctuation was use effectively for a smooth understanding of the activities purpose.
~Content~
This is a creative In & Out, as you allow multiple writers to join into to create a never ending Limerick you challenge the poet. That the have the choice of posting one of two lines provides flexibility, which is excellent as some poets may run out of thoughts while others may be compelled to do more.
~Suggestions~
I can see nothing that needs to be changed to enhance this activity. It is fun and interesting already, as well as well thought out and implemented.
~Overall~
A fun activity stretching the minds of poets of all different poetic backgrounds, one so helpful that even story writers could participate in and enjoy.
Good luck with your entry
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1047326 by Not Available.
Hello John Kirkland, here is my review for your entry.
VOICE & TONE:
The tone of this poem is sympathetic as you go on to show the birth and death of man.
FORM:
While most of the lines are on target with the form, line five has one to many words. This line has six words and the form calls for five. I think this can be corrected by changing the line to, "First sound of made by life". The remaining lines are in harmony with the Pi form.
RHYME & RHYTHM:
No rhyme pattern in this poem which is normal for Pi poems. The rhythm was nice and smooth throughout.
IMAGERY:
The imagery for this poem was nice, as its aim was more to give a message rather than see an image. I saw the most imagery in the first couple of lines than I did in the remainder of the poem. I think a little more could be added, however I like that most of it is at the end of the line which gradually takes the reader to the next thought.
SPELLING:
I noticed no spelling errors.
OVERALL THOUGHTS:
I liked the meaning of this poem and how it goes through ones life and their perceptions. I think its kinda deep, good job! If the correction are made regarding the form, this will be a very nice Pi poem.
It has been a pleasure reading your entry, winners will be announced soon. I hope to see your entry in the next Round, which is to compose a Pleiades Poem.
~Type and/or Purpose~
In and Out based on a popular TV show, where contest are to act out or rather "write out" to a posted question.
~Mechanics~
I noticed no spelling or grammar errors and punctuation was used correctly. Everything was well written with no mistakes, allowing for a professional activity.
~Content~
The directions of the activity are clear and to the point. Everything that is necessary for the In & Out to flow smoothly is included in the directions.
~Suggestions~
There are a few incorrectly typed member links. The bitem format is either incorrect, the member user name is incorrect, or the member does not exist anymore. If the members are still on the site, I think this should be corrected to give credit to those who's "comments" they are.
~Overall~
I think this is a very unique In & Out, I love the show so naturally I'm going to appreciate this activity. Good idea to do this and I wish you well with its future submission.
Good luck with your entry
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
VOICE & TONE:
This poem has a spiritual tone as you take a look at the journey of Mary Magdalene and the essence of that time period. You remain consistent in your tone as the narrator tries to get her to see the events to come.
FORM:
While most of the lines are on target with the Pi Poem, the tenth line has five lines when it should only have three and line eleven has three when it should have five. Also there is an additional line in the Poem, the Pi should only sixteen lines, your poem has seventeen. It appears that you have two five word lines back to back, one of these lines should be deleted.
RHYME & RHYTHM:
No rhyme pattern in this poem, which is normal of the Pi Poem. The flow was very smooth, you carry the reader on a harmonious read. The end lines are used very well, as they tell a story they grip the reader and maintain their attention with a smooth well constructed melody.
IMAGERY:
The poem is visual as it tells this story, you use good pieces of history that allow the reader to remember these events through past readings.
SPELLING:
I noticed no spelling errors.
OVERALL THOUGHTS:
This was a nice poem, I especially liked the subject. I think if the changes are made with regard to the lines, the poem will be a wonderful Pi. If changes are made, please let me know and I will gladly read and re-rate.
It has been a pleasure reading your entry, winners will be announced soon. I hope to see your entry in the next Round, which is to compose a Pleiades Poem.
Hello , Here is a review for you on behalf of "Invalid Item"
VOICE & TONE:
This has a fun spooky tone to it, as you enlighten the reader with images of halloween. You remain consistent in a joyful tone throughout the poem. While you pointed out the mystery in halloween you did it in a fun way.
LINE & STANZA STRUCTURE:
The first line packed so much imagery and essence of halloween it was fantastic. This one line draws the reader in and prepares them for the creepiness within. The fact that each of your lines ends with a good descriptive word is wonderful as it allows the reader to hold onto to that image instead of the line break or just hanging...waiting for another moment, good smooth transition from each line to the next. The small line lengths provides the reader with excitement, great job with line composition - shows that you worked with your lines letting them better enhance the poem. I like the way you ended it,it has an interesting twist. While you work the reader up, you bring them down in a soothing manner, like you do with a show if telling them a story; you make sure they know that its fiction. Very well done, I liked that a lot.
RHYME & RHYTHM:
No rhyme pattern but an overall smooth flow, it sounded like a story you would tell while sitting around a camp fire. Your line breaks give the reader a chance to pause just when its needed. Good job with composing a rhythmic poem.
IMAGERY
The words you use compliment the halleween theme the poem has, they were dark, exciting, and visual. Each line gives the reader more insight on this day and the things that go bump in the night.
SPELLING:
I noticed no spelling errors.
OVERALL THOUGHTS:
I enjoyed this very much, kind of has me waiting for this years events, I get a kick out of seeing all the children play dress up. A very descriptive, harmonious poem.
VOICE & TONE:
The voice of this poem is of someone who is alone in a bad situation and they have been mislead by one they trust. The tone is mild and pleading, as if they are trying to shed light on a bad situation and seeking help.
FORM:
You followed the form perfectly, remaining within the targeted words per line.
RHYME & RHYTHM:
The flow of this poem is very nice, its smooth and it doesnt take away from the words; each line arranged in a way to draw attention to the meaning instead of having the reader stuck on the form or the line breaks. Wonderful job provided a very nice rhythmic poem.
IMAGERY:
Vivid imagery throughout the poem, each line either provides the reader with a picture or thought of one who is being taken advantage of and they are lost, recognizing the wrong of the other. Your use descriptive words which allow the reader to relate to the poem.
SPELLING:
I noticed no spelling errors.
OVERALL THOUGHTS:
Very well composed poem Kiya, you have taken the Pi poem and made it your own. I really loved how you connected the single word lines with the rest of the poem; these words were like bridges connected the different aspects of the poem together, allowing the reader to see a clear picture. I do think the poem could be enhanced by the use of punctuation, allowing the reader to see the change of events.
It has been a pleasure reading your entry, winners will be announced soon. I hope to see your entry in the next Round, which is to compose a Pleiades Poem.
VOICE & TONE:
The tone of this poem is of equally balanced between pleasure and terror, as you compare the beauty that can be in a dream and the pain that is felt in nightmares. You remain consistent in the voice and tone.
LINE & STANZA STRUCTURE:
The first line of the poem gives its subject and its one that is always fascinating to learn how we perceive our subconscious selves. The next line is done very well as you give insight as to what the dream is like. The next line, is not quite on form with a Diamante form; this line should be two words that describe the first line and two words that describe the last line. I like the use of the word "pulse" in this line, so keeping it in there would be great, but you need three other words to go along. The next line is very vivid as you describe the last line, it provides a clear image for the reader of what a nightmare does. And the last line, of course, is perfect as it is the opposite of "dreams".
RHYME & RHYTHM:
No rhyme pattern in the Diamante form, but the rhythm was nice due to the words used in the poem.
IMAGERY
Superb imagery throughout the poem, your choice of words allow the reader to see for themselves what dreams and nightmares are like, reminding us of which is better to have.
SPELLING:
I noticed no spelling errors.
OVERALL THOUGHTS:
You've composed a very nice poem here, Steph, I think if you update that one line, it will be a truly perfect Diamante poem.
VOICE & TONE:
This voice of this poem is coming from someone who is happy and appreciative with the things in their life. The tone is delicate and calm, allowing the reader to feel refreshed in its words.
LINE & STANZA STRUCTURE:
The first line gives the reader a clear picture of the atmosphere and allows them to set up for the remainder of the read. It draws the reader in with a calmness that settles the soul, actually the whole poem does. The length of your lines help to convey an image as well as thought. The focus is on painting a beautiful picture for the reader so they will see the beauty of the relationship. The ending line sums up for the reader the true purpose of the poem and it does so in a wonderful way. I loved how you ended this poem.
RHYME & RHYTHM:
I thought I sensed a rhyme pattern in certain stanza and then in others I didnt, I think only the second stanza was missing a rhyme pattern. I think if that stanza was arranged in the same way as the others - with some rhyme pattern it would work really well with the poem, just for consistency. Otherwise the poem flowed nicely, it provided a smooth read.
IMAGERY
Wonderful imagery throughout the poem. This poem is very visual, each line brings the reader closer to a splendid place. Your use of lively words bring the poem to life. Great job!
SPELLING:
I noticed no spelling errors.
OVERALL THOUGHTS:
This is a very nice poem, well worded to provide the reader with a clear glorious image of appreciation and love. I think the reconstruction of the second stanza would enhance the overall impact of the poem and provide a more harmonious flow.
PLOT:
This chapter gets into the conflict of how Phoenix is trying to control the new kid and stop him before he gets any more out of control. He is the school bully and wants the new kid to respect him.
CHARACTERIZATION:
For the most part all of the characters are believable and you can make out their different personalities. You give good visuals as to facial expressions and body language which helps this reader make out the different characters. I would only work on the teacher, who has a small role in this chapter, but it is still needed to make the distinction from the teachers personality and the attitudes of the students, I get into more detail about this later on under suggestions below.
FLOW
The story moved in a logical manner, taking the reader from the playground of the previous chapter through the hallway to the classroom where the chapter ends. You do this very well and allow the reader to stay on track with the story.
SPELLING & GRAMMAR:
When Phoenix heard that new rumor being whispered, he had to smile. Consider changing “that” to “the”, I think the line would read much better.
They were all anxious to tell everyone that it wasn't them who had been with the boy who was considered 'social suicide'. You should change this sentence to speak of only one person, since you are talking only about one cheerleader as expressed in the third line. Consider the following: “She was very anxious to tell everyone that it was not her who had been with the boy who was considered “social suicide”.
Of course, Phoenix was depending on her believing him and if she didn't, he'd just have to change tactics. Consider removing “tactics” from the end of this sentence. It’s a little confusing and not necessary as the sentence already gets the message across without it.
He had given up that act, taking Phoenix's advice on one thing Consider deleting this, its not needed to move the story forward and anyone who has read the first chapter knows “the one thing” that he told him.
He also knew that this girl would be the only person to understand him at all. Consider deleting this, its not necessary and causing the reader to hesitate while reading it.
"Ah, a new kid," the teacher, Mr. Jackson commented. Consider changing the word “kid” here to “student”, as it would go to distinguish the students dialect from the teachers. This will also make the characters more believable as there are more teachers who would say “student” as apposed to those who would say “kid”
VOICE & TONE:
The voice of this poem is educational, as it compares the movement of man with the sun stands still. The tone is mellow and happy as it talks of the beautify of the seasons.
FORM:
You followed the form of the Pi Poem perfectly, each line has the correct amount of words. It is complimented by your use of punctuation, which provides the reader with a smooth read for this style. Very nicely done.
RHYME & RHYTHM:
No rhyme pattern. The rhythm was very harmonic, the lines seem to move and stand still equally which compliment the meaning of the poem very well. Wonderful Job providing the reader with a smooth flowing poem.
IMAGERY:
The imagery was here in this poem, the reader could visual the sun and see how the season change. The lines that were not filled with imagery worked to move the poem along. Well done.
SPELLING:
I noticed no spelling errors.
OVERALL THOUGHTS:
I enjoyed this poem and the image that it gave me. You have composed a nice Pi poem that have left a picture engraved in my mind.
It has been a pleasure reading your entry, winners will be announced soon. I hope to see your entry in the next Round, which is to compose a Pleiades Poem.
VOICE & TONE:
The voice of this poem is from someone who is disgusted in the way material things over power things that really need attention. Its tone is very strong and it comes to the reader in a teaching manner. You remain consistent in your attempts to make the reader see how greed takes over man.
FORM:
In most of the lines the form was well done, however I am battling myself with the sixth line as "on-looking" is formed by joining two words. If this was not for a particular form of poetry, I would have no problem with but because it is for a form that specifies a word count per line, I am hesitant to say it's acceptable. The less complicated or confusing the words of a poetry form, the better. I strongly suggest rearranging this line. Other than this the rest of the lines are on target with the form.
RHYME & RHYTHM:
No rhyming in this poem, but this is normal for the form. The rhythm in the poem is very nice, it reads with power in a slow strategic way; a flow that is complimentary to the message within the poem.
IMAGERY & RELATION TO PROMPT:
The imagery in the poem is very descriptive in what its like when people take material things, mainly money, for more than its worth. Some of the words are good with giving good descriptions on money, how it attracts people like a shinning twinkle. Other images are one that is being destroyed, such as in the word, "consuming". Very good use of words to convey a message of greed to your readers.
SPELLING:
I noticed no spelling errors.
OVERALL THOUGHTS:
I enjoyed reading this poem, I think you did a wonderful job with the form and with giving the reader a good image of greed and how it takes over people. I think if the changing are made in the one line, it would be more representative of the Pi.
It has been a pleasure reading your entry, winners will be announced soon. I hope to see your entry in the next Round, which is to compose a Pleiades Poem.
Hello Billi, here is my Review for the into of your story.
You did a good job with explaining to everyone the background - what little there was - of Phoenix and how his character relates to the story. This is very good for setting up Plot - by employing the whereabouts most of the other characters have run into him at. It flows in a logical way and the reader can follow along with the events well.
SPELLING & GRAMMAR:
I noticed the following things that need to looked at, but these are just my suggestion, its your story.
Combine those beautiful eyes with his shaggy black hair and he could've been a rocker or a headbanger, I think this should be one word, “head banger”
With his trenchcoat This should be “trench coat”
Pheonix had to show them Should be Phoenix
Pheonix would sit in class and write Should be Phoenix
Another kid once stole Pheonix's Should be Phoenix
Bad idea. Pheonix Should be Phoenix
OVERALL THOUGHTS
I think you've done a wonderful job preparing the reader for the story. Nice set up to explain how this person must be taken by others who is surrounded by. I didnt notice anything they would greatly enhance this piece other than the small errors above.
PLOT:
This first chapter is about the "school bullie" claiming his turf. Pointing out to a new kid who is trying to act tough, that he really is tough and has earned his. Its very interesting and provides excitement early on in the story; good job with plot and story structure.
CHARACTERIZATION:
The reader can visual see each character and how they would be in this situation, you do a wonderful job creating interesting characters. A boy who has history in a school, though its bad history, the reader is aware of his mean personality. The other character is meek but trying to fit in by throwing in a tough guy act, which isnt working. Both of these character are realistic and fascinating, I'm sure as the story moves, more will be revealed of their personalities.
FLOW
The story flows in a logical way. It starts with an introduction of the characters and their places in the story. You take the read through a typical lunch break scene allowing more characters to be introduced, such as the girls that enter and is noticed by the new kid.
SPELLING & GRAMMAR:
Few suggestions on grammar and spelling, but these are just my opinions which you are free to use or not.
One day, though, there was a new student in Phoenix's classes. Consider rewording this line or deleted the word “though”, as it baffles the reader, makes them think they are missing something.
At that school, there was an outdoor place where students could eat their lunches. Consider replacing “that” with “the” or “their”, “that” makes it seem distant as if he was not a part of the school.
As opposed to Deacon's fake voice in an attempt to be fear-inducing, Phoenix's voice was carefully composed to sound calm, yet villainous. should be “villainous”
OVERALL THOUGHTS
I think you have a nice start to an exciting story here. Your sentence structure was very nice and allowed for an enjoyable read. I also noticed that you mention in your description that it goes along with the introduction, I suggest you post the intro if more info is given in with regard to the start of the story. I enjoyed reading this. Write On!
VOICE & TONE:
This poem has a voice of one who is positive in there attempts to discover the effects of nature. It's tone is eloquent tone as the reader compliments the different aspect of life in different forms.
LINE & STANZA STRUCTURE:
You jump right in with the first line and make the reader aware of the discover that has been made, very nicely done. In it you give a clear image of what the poem will be about. Your first line draws the reader in with good choice words. The length of your lines are little contradictory, long lines are normally written to convey emotional release. Your poem does not give off that much emotions as the person is not going through a struggle nor are they experiencing anything that is emotional...nothing that will bring tears or cause heart pounding reactions. It is however conveying an idea or thought, these poems lines should be medium in length, between seven or eight words per line. Most of the sentences end with a strong word, and this is good for keeping the readers attention and not making your words drag on; very nicely done. The refrained line at the end is nice as it reminds the reader that the writer has indeed made a discover and the end result is clear.
RHYME & RHYTHM:
No rhyme pattern but instead a Free Verse poem, very nicely composed. It still hums a tune, which is largely due to the consistency of the line lengths. Each line has the same amount of words or syllables and that provides the reader with smooth harmonious flow. The last line of each stanza is very impacting, as it stops with the flow and gives a dramatic recollection.
IMAGERY & RELATION TO PROMPT:
Very nice words in this poem which convey clear images for the reader to focus on, instead of words drowning the poem, the reader effectively is drawn a picture of one who is making a comparison of their life with that of nature and matter.
SPELLING:
I noticed no spelling errors.
OVERALL THOUGHTS:
I enjoyed this poem, I think it was written well and provides great visuals. If the changes regarding line structure are made, I think this poem with be even better as it will convey a true idea. Thanks for sharing this with us.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/crumbledcookie
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.18 seconds at 6:32am on Dec 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
