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Public Reviews
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Review of The Calling  Open in new Window.
Review by Raine Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Title: The Calling

"Sally come here, the Crone approaches and the rite is about to begin."
you need a break here to separate the speech from the action.

Marybeth chases her your[young] daughter around the forest clearing[comma] trying to calm her down for the ritual that is about to get underway.
Third person present tense. This is a hard one to use because it takes practice keeping the action in the present tense.

As she draws closer to the altar at the center of the gathering, the voices grow silent in anticipation.
It should be "fall silent" rather than "grow silent" since you're referring to the decibel level going down.

The Crone kneels before the altar [comma] uttering a silent prayer to the Gods.

Raising it in the air[comma] she blesses the contents. Replacing the chalice on the altar [comma]she grabs the herb pouch. Turning to face the fire, she tosses the mixture of hazel, dittany and rue into the fire. As the herbs start to burn and the scent starts to waft through the clearing, the Crone raises her arms and speak[speaks].

In the distance[comma] a wolf howls at the full moon overhead as birds take flight from the surrounding trees.

Slowly[comma] she is lowered back to the ground. Turning around to face those gathered[comma] she speaks.

I know[comma] child. I have missed you as well."


Third person offers the best view of the overall ceremony, true. Present tense is supposed to keep us in the moment. Now, you never actually break tense but I never really feel drawn in. Why? You never really set the scene. Let me explain.

The scene is more than the action that is happening. It is the people that are there, the setting around them including sights, sounds, smells, air temperature etc. We know this is a wooded area and there's a fire. Herbs are thrown on that fire and scents rise but you never mention the smell of woodsmoke or what those herbs smell like. You don't describe the clearing at all, what kind of trees are there, is it sparsely wooded or thick. Can they see the stars? Is it Spring? Summer? Is it cold? Hot? What kind of birds take flight since most birds are not nocturnal? If an owl, let us know. And so on.

All this is part of world building. The trick is to not dump all description in a lump for the reader to digest but to sprinkle it around like donut toppings. Keep the descriptions tight, and by that I mean short so pick your words for their effectiveness and cut those that don't add to the overall picture. It takes practice.

Do I want to know what everyone looks like? No, but it would be nice to know if they are wearing robes or jeans or are skyclad. Are they all excited about the ritual or are there undercurrents?

Let me see if I can make this clearer. You have five senses. Use them. When they face the fire, feel the warmth on your skin, smell the woodsmoke and chill of the night air. Admire the curl of smoke against diamond pricks of starlight and feel your blood pound in anticipation. Be alive in the moment.

The story itself is good as far as pacing and resolution goes. A few more carefully chosen descriptors would enhance it.

Hopes this helps.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of Larkin's Ranch  Open in new Window.
for entry "Chapter 1 Searching" Open in new Window.
Review by Raine Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Title: Larkin's Ranch
Chapter: 1
Round:1

Setting:
You tell us it's hot and there's a paved road and a few people about when the get into town. You don't tell us any passing scenery or any of the other store fronts or who the people are watching them. You really do need more setting, especially here in this first chapter when we're just dipping our toes in this town.

Plot:
Pretty straight forward. Boy likes girl, gets girl a job and works on getting himself a place in her life. Nothing to rave about but nothing to complain about either.

Characters:
Noah: Handsome and a bit reckless.

Jenna: Quiet and sheltered

Now, like the plot, this pairing has been done many, many times. Since you rarely have issues making characters real and sympathetic, however, this shouldn't be an issue for you. Just keep it in mind as you go. You don't want them sounding like millions of romance couples that have gone before. You don't want them sounding like Megan and Corey, either.

General:
Jenna Owens stepped onto the main road leading into town, minding her own business, and looking for some excitement.
Now, it might just be the way my mind works but minding her own business and looking for excitement are contridictory. She could be alone and looking for something to break the hum-drum reality of her life?

The July sun was scorching hot, and the black top was like fire as her sandals slid along the road.
This could be such an awesome description but you phrased it passively. Kill "was".
The July sun scorched the black top into a sticky inferno that burned her feet through the thin soles of her sandals as she trudged along the road.

A navy-blue truck came barreling
again, this is passive. Any time you mix a "to be" verb with a word ending in -ing, you're passive. Kill the "to be" verb and change the other to -ed and it reads stronger.
A navy-blue truck barreled

Fear gripped her body as her mind raced.
This happens to be one of those phrases that you happen to like to use. Problem? Not only does it stand out but you could do better describing her fear. Instead of naming the emotion, give us her physical response. The world narrows. Heart jerks in her chest. Can't make her feet move at first. You get the idea.

Slowly the truck crept towards her, making her heart beat erratically.
Now, unless she's afraid this is a stalker, fear should morph into anger. Adrenaline flight or fight response. She's had her flight, now she's going to fight and adrenaline gives you the shakes.

stared into the dreamiest sepal eyes she’d ever seen
sepal. You use the word twice to describe his eyes in this chapter but you never use any other word. Now, one, that's redundant and, two, people like me who have no idea what color sepal is are lost. Instead of learning a new word, we wind up feeling lost and without any real physical image of him.

You could’ve killed me if I hadn’t jumped out of the way!” she said fighting the urge to return his smile.
If you're going to have her lose her anger that quickly, you're going to have to show us. It can be as easy as she's staring into his eyes, feeling her anger drain away. But it has to be said.

He was still smiling, and she felt a rush of heat
was smiling. Passive. His smile never dimmed. His smile widened.

He’d said her name, which meant that he knew who she was.
This might play better as bullet statements. I know some people hate them but they can be very effective if used sparingly.
He’d said her name. He knew who she was. A shiver traced her spine that had nothing to do with fear and everything to do with the warm way he was looking at her.

The pov shifts aren't necessarily distracting but I have to wonder how much better it would be with a single pov. One of Noah's sections is only a few paragraphs long. You should only change POV if it's absolutely necessary and there's no other way to get the info across. I know lot's of romance authors don't follow the rule but it always read stronger if you do. Pick a mind. Stay there. Many of the details seen through the other character's eyes can always be brought in later during their pov scenes or as dialogue.

Jenna ran up and threw her arms around her excitedly.
The adverb here weakens the sentence.
Jenna ran up and threw her arms around her, holding her tight in her excitement.

Living in Hill Country, Texas, she was always aware of the land
Personally, I would take this bit and move it up to where she was in the truck with him. Set the scene, give us that view out the window or even before he shows up. Her alone on the highway would be a good place to describe landscape.

“We’re just friends,” she uttered, shifting her gaze to the floor.
Uttered. To me, it's right up there with reading a Zane Grey western and coming across "No!" he ejaculated. It's just one of those words that's outdated. My opinion, mind you, and probably not everyones.

He came around the building grinning toward her. “How’d it go?”
Toward her? How about:
He came around the building heading for her at a lope, a grin creasing the dirt grimed into his face. “How’d it go?”
Now, it clarifies the preposition and adds the physical detail to his appearance. Having married a guy who was a mechanic at the time, the visual is right. There's also the smell of motor oil. It's not a bad smell, just one that still reminds me of those days.

Personal Opinion:
A good solid chapter and definitely makes me want to read on. Not because of any plot hook but because of the likeable characters. Characters are something you do well anyway. You draw them very realistically and this story is no different. A plot hook would guarantee reader's moving on so you might want consider it.
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Review by Raine Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
The Power of Words

Thanks for entering the "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. contest. Here is the indepth review as promised.

Specifics:
When they died [comma] he was forced to fend

emitting a raucus screech that
raucous

A few paces down the road [comma] he came to a hay wagon

which I am trying to learn.
need end quotes. *Pthb*

Overall
Not very much fundementally wrong with the story. A bit of punctuation and a misspelled word. Not bad. However, you don't give us enough of Cambio as a person to drag us into the story. We have no emotional investment in the character. We get a few sentences about his past and a touch of passive info about his present. Nothing that really brings the character to life. *Frown*

I did love the ending. That was well done. The Midas twist was great. *Thumbsup* And the implication that he was the power, not the book. Loved it.
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Review of Aerials  Open in new Window.
Review by Raine Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
Aerials

Thanks for entering the "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. contest. Here is the indepth review as promised.

Specifics:
lined to the far edge of the horizon
then
stairs lining the interior
using "Line" this close together makes them redundant. You might want to think about what other ways stairs climb towers.

tower shook and raddled as orcs
rattled

Overall
A very short piece with some rather descriptive language. However, it isn't a story. You even left me wondering if the "I" narrating the story was the Hunchback. Flash fiction is fine as long as it answers the questions it poses or allows the reader to extrapolate from the information given. This doesn't give enough info for me to get a feel for what went before to bring us to this place in time. *Frown*
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Review by Raine Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
The Dragonsteed Coup

Thanks for entering the "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. contest. Here is the indepth review as promised.

Specifics:
and neither of these warriors respected any authority but their own.
You might want to add that the spell was necessary since neither of these men would give in otherwise. It's a little confusing this way.

Show yourself!" The Allen,
I think you meant to take out "The" as well otherwise, Allen, is his title.

"Neither of you two deserve to ride your mounts!
This is the only reference made to their mounts. Why aren't the dragons fighting, too? Since there is no description of them, the title loses meaning.

"So [comma] neither will speak

both med passed out of conciousness
men (sp) and since no one is going to assume that they passed out of this plane of existence, "of conciousness" isn't necessary. They just passed out.

Both men winced and gasped as the quarter inch spikes, resembling the tip of carpenters nails, bit into their skin causing blood to flow almost freely down their arms.
Now, in fiction (fantasy fiction moreso), there is the "willing suspension of disbelief" where the reader accepts things that would otherwise be impossible such as dragons, magic ect. However, I can't see a reader being willing to believe that driving spikes into the wrists of captives is a logical choice for restraint since the outcome would be death by blood loss. (The "almost freely" pulls the punch out of it anyway.)

He lead [led] them off the battlefield, which was inside of the palace grounds,
You're telling me that this battle actually occurred inside the palace grounds and the king didn't have all their heads for it? Especially if he has magic users at his disposal. He'd just have frozen them all and gotten to the bottom of it long before we got down to the last two men standing.

and hung them by their manacles from a hook.
and now they're hanging from manacles with spikes in it driving them even deeper into the flesh, severing nerves and veins. Not logical.

Is it Elian, or is it Allen
I thought his name was Eliam? *Wink*

Overall
I thought the goblin wizard and the human traitors a nice twist. Add in the female troll commander and you've nicely shaken things up a bit without completely leaving the fantasy territory we've all gotten used to.

I was left at the end of this with the feeling that this is just a part of a bigger whole. You never do uncover the traitors or solve the mystery surrounding the coup attempt. Still, I enjoyed reading this. Thanks for sharing.
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Review by Raine Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Well, I've read all six chapter that you have posted and I can honestly say that I'm disappointed there isn't more. You have a knack for drawing "real" characters and making them sympathetic. You drew me in with her cooking and chores, things we can all relate to, and by the time she was doing dishes at night, enjoying the peace and quiet, you had me hooked completely. I've done the same thing myself many, many times.

Specifics:
You do need work on your puncutuation.

"Morgan you can't do that" (example only) should be "Morgan, you can't do that." Names, when used like this, are always offset by commas.

There are also several instances of "sisters" when it should be "sister's". Remember, the apostrophe denotes the possessive (except for "its" *Pthb*)

The only other problem I spotted was the formatting. I'm spoiled. I've gotten used to the space between paragraphs and it's easier on the eyes than indenting.

Overall:
All in all, a very good read with real characters going about real lives. You set the scene well using all five senses. All of your characters are easy to relate to and you left me wondering what happens next.

I can honestly say that this was a better read than many titles I've gotten off the shelf lately. And it's not vampires *Laugh* That's a huge mark in its favor...
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Review by Raine Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
An interesting start and a good world setup. The tech is worked in neatly with the flow of the story.

Specifics:
Dahgri remembered the orphanage ... She stared longingly through the doorway of the information café.
I'm not entirely sure why you started off with the orphanage when the focus of the chapter is the information cafe. Maybe:
Dahgri stared longingly through the doorway of the information café remembering all the times she'd sat in the VR chair playing silly child’s games at the orphanage. The ones who ran the orphanage only allowed ten minutes of information feed a day. She loved the information feed. You could find out anything from almost anywhere within the connected galaxies. “Too much data will burn anyone out,” they'd always warned.
It keeps the focus on the information rather than her past. Like the other information about the culture, her past would be part of the background rather than the first thing we're hit with.

His clothes were spotless, hers grubby.
Since we're in her POV, we need to know that she is the one noticing it. As it is, it's too distanced from her. A little note about her feelings about it - bitterness, sorrow or embarrassment - would be a nice touch, too.

He walked over to the desk and handed the old man reading a paper a cubit.
Word order.
He walked over to the desk and handed a cubit to the older man reading a paper.

With a UI, someone could get a job practically anywhere in the universe, doing just about anything for good [comma] honest pay.

Blue-green eyes showed her a thin [comma] child-like figure
I'm not sure what blue-green has to do with it unless you're going to describe the rest of her facial features.

Short black hair with blue streaks belayed the fact that she was female.
"belayed" should be "belied"

She counted to five and slipping inside the door before it closed.
should be "slipped inside"

He was eating now, and still reading his paper.
Personally, I'd kill the "and". It's not necessary and only disrupts the flow of the sentence.

“They’re all over the place, Dag...
You need to mark the scene break. It's too abrupt and confusing otherwise.

The entire building was condemned and this floor in particular was extremely dangerous and had been walled off, so it was a common place for unknowns to hide when someone was after them.
This is one heck of a run-on sentence *Laugh* Break it up.
The entire building was condemned and this floor in particular was extremely dangerous. (insert a few dangers) It had been walled off, so it was a common place for unknowns to hide when someone was after them.

“Why, did they stop you on the street?”
This is actually two questions and needs to be punctuated accordingly.
“Why? Did they stop you on the street?”

Farris was a smuggler they knew.
It's clear that they know him *Pthb* so that's unnecessary.

He trafficked in anything he could get his hands on, and for the right price, he could make ids. But they usually didn’t last very long seeing as how the coding on them seemed to always be degrading.
Needs broken up differently.
He trafficked in anything he could get his hands on, and - for the right price - he could make ids. The problem was that they usually didn’t last very long. The coding on them degraded rapidly.

running a webbed hand over his smooth [comma] hairless head.

Overall:
I like the setup, as I said earlier. Her lack of status and her hidden femininity are powerful plot devices. I'd be curious enough to move on to the next chapter to find out just what kind of mess she gets herself into.
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Review by Raine Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Less than Perfect Wizard

Ok. So I laughed all the way through. Performance anxiety fantasy style, lol. The alcoholic elf was a nice touch, too.

Specifics:
They met orc raiding partied more and more frequently after that
Either the orcs are having a really good time or they had raiding parties *Laugh*

The only other mistake I saw involves names. When a character speaks to another character by name, the name is offset by commas. "Hey, John, does Dave have that tool?" is proper punctuation.

Overall:
The storyline itself is strong and well paced. The magic was explainable and far from a perfect art form. The characters were distinct though the humans fighting the orcs was still a bit cliched. I love the humor. Very nice.

Thanks for entering "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.
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Review by Raine Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
The Master and the Slave

Here is the promised review. *Bigsmile*

This really does fit the prompt perfectly and seeing both sides of the tale was interesting indeed. Definitely flash fiction which doesn't leave much for me to poke at. I will, however, endeavor to try.

The review below will cover grammar, punctuation, phrasing, and plot/character. Clipped text will be in blue.

Specifics:
(His thoughts flicked there for a moment: his wife in bed upstairs, his children too.)
Just wondering why you need paranthesis. His thoughts flicked to his wife and children upstairs. It's not really out of context. However, I have to question just how much coherent thought is possible when you're being beaten to death. The immediate, instinctive need for survival would override coherent thought.

His family had died of common, curable maladies but he treated slaves well
To me, that's a direct contradiction.

The master had fancied and The slave fancied
A fancy is more of a whimsy. Here the simple "thought himself a good man" would work better.

Overall:
That's it. The only thing I can see to make this more effective is to really play up the difference in station. The rags on the slave compared to the silk on the master, the welts on the slave instead of the master's soft, white flesh. That sort of thing. You might even think of playing up the difference in speech pattern, grammar and the like.

Thanks for entering the "It's all in the Quote" contest. Good luck!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

"A postitive attitude may not solve all of your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort" - Herm Albright
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Review by Raine Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
As promised, here is the R&R. I enjoyed this piece immensely. It was softer, quieter, and that was a nice change.

Specifics:
Paintwork glinting cheery red in the afternoon sun, it trundled at the head of its own comet trail of dust
Needs "With its" before the Paintwork. Otherwise, the paint becomes the subject of the sentence.

A low single storey dwelling almost obscured from sight by overgrown trees and bushes in what would have once been its front garden.
Fragment. The low single storey dwelling was almost obscured from sight by overgrown trees and bushes in what would have once been its front garden.

Deaths eyes narrowed
Death's (possessive)

Death grinned proudly and crossed the yard back to the barn. And Death grinned in satisfaction
Death is personified as having a skull for a face. He's already grinning. If this isn't the case, what does Death look like?

Overall:
I loved the quote at the end. Gotta love Shakespeare. Very nicely done.
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Review by Raine Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I agree wholeheartedly. *Bigsmile* I've owned three Daschunds over the years and while they may be stubborn, they are one of the most loyal dogs I've ever met. You are absolutly right when you say that they are difficult to train. Stubborn, intelligent and convinced of their own grandeur. I just bought a puppy (an American cream miniture) who is currently jockeying for the position of reigning deity in my house. It takes patience and love to train a Daschund but it's so very worth it in the end. I'm so glad he hasn't discovered pinecones, *Laugh* the leaves he drags in are bad enough.
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Review by Raine Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, Doug. Thought I'd return the favor of a review. I apologize ahead of time but I've kind of gotten out of the habit of short reviews. I'm going touch on things as simple as puncutation and as ephemeral as characterization and imagery. Here we go...

Specifics:
High in the crisp, clean air of night [comma] the moon hung full and round [comma] outshining any star and daring any cloud to obscure it’s majesty.
And "it's" should be "its" for the possessive pronoun.

Many feared this sight; many never knew it existed.
To escape the redundant feel, why not "Many feared... Others never knew"

asking their god or goddess for the strength to face what was to come with strenght and courage
Asking for strength twice here. One typo *Pthb*

She [comma] too [comma] had seen...

Then she promptly forgot it and continued with her hunt.
To make this a stronger statement, instead of "forgot it" I would use something like "turned her attention to more mundane matters" or "to the matter at hand"

the creature died, it’s neck snapped.
apostrophe means a contraction of "it is".

it shivered as the cold air touched it’s skin more directly.
You could really punch up the image here of the cold air caressing. Death's hands or chilled fingers that stole precious warmth or something of that nature. Just a thought... *Smile*

The moon then allowed clouds to move in and cover her like a blanket, soft and warm in her winter sky bed.
I really like this as a closing. Very nice and very poetic.

Overall:
As a prologue, I like this. I like that the moon has given the omen but no one sees but the wolf who can't tell.

Now, the foundling in the snow, raised by wolves, has been done countless times. The trick here is to make this as original and as new as possible. What is so special and so new about this baby that would make me read more? That's the question you have to answer. Give us a familiar place to start but take us where we have never been before.

If you want an example, look over "Skinchanger" Open in new Window. It's another wolf cub tale that is, I think, very original. No, it's not mine. But it might stir up some ideas for you since you say that this is stalled out.

Hope this helps!
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Review of Revenge  Open in new Window.
Review by Raine Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
It is so nice to find someone who writes high fantasy. *Bigsmile*

The battle is gritty and well paced, the quick flashback didn't pull the reader out of the moment completely though I might have worked it in thoughout the opening in little pieces. Flashbacks are difficult to make work since they do take the reader away from the story that's happening NOW. I liked your details about his physical state - the chaffing armor, the sweat and exhaustion. It really brought him to life. A few more details about these giants wouldn't hurt, though. It's always nice to be able to visualize the enemy even if they're only your enemy for one chapter.

Specifics:
They were like a tumor that was eating away at the virulence and beauty of nature.
To be technical, virulence means "bitter, toxic or venomous".

The chill bit through armor, gambit and flesh,
armor, gipon (or jupon, or gambeson (sp)) and flesh. I'm assuming that you mean the padded garment under the armor? A gambit is a ploy or manuever.

It seemed a pointless effort, like gesturing obscenely at a tornado about to drive straight over you.
This is a wonderful analogy! *Bigsmile*

Overall:
I would be very interested in seeing more of this. This battle sets up at least two cultures, political intrigue and the need for revenge by more than one party. Very nicely done indeed.
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Review by Raine Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is the first story in a long while that I have enjoyed this much! Thank you for a great read. There were very few problems.

Specifics:
The cafe was crowded and bustling with people but one girl sat alone in the corner, sipping her coffee and watching the people around her...she’d been sitting there for hours it seemed and the waitress just kept bringing her more coffee and refilling the pitcher with milk.
This actually needs to be broken into two sentences. And "it seemed" is superfluous since we're in omniscent pov. The cafe was crowded and bustling with people but one girl sat alone in the corner, sipping her coffee and watching the people around her. She’d been sitting there for hours and the waitress just kept bringing her more coffee and refilling the pitcher with milk.

It was constantly in her eyes, and had anyone noticed, eyes that were cobalt blue.
This is mostly my opinion but the wording is awkward. Since no one noticed her eyes, there really could be no description. It's one of the drawbacks of omniscent pov, not having a specific pair of eyes to veiw the world with. This might flow better reworded something like: Beneath the shaggy fall of bangs, a pair of cobalt blue eyes watched the world around her.

I absolutely love the little details and the way you work them in, such as why it cost so much to die and the boston creme pie. It makes the setting very real.

And she thought she had problems [] Cindy thought as she headed up front to cash out the Andersens
Just missed a comma in the brackety things *Smile* The thought needs to be separated from the action.

By not explaining or having one of the characters have an epiphany, it keeps the girl very mysterious. I love that. (yes, I truly enjoyed the abusive husband having the bruises for a change, lol) Thank you again for the very good read.
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Review of Behind the scenes  Open in new Window.
Review by Raine Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I must say I was surprised by your request. However, I will endeavor to do my best.. *Reading*

I usually break a story down, line by line, and then give my overall impressions at the end.

Specifics:
pancake she had so gracefully munched over the past three minutes.
"Munch" implies a bit more force than I would usually associate with "Gracefully". You might go for a bit of alliteration and try "delicately devoured"

she didn’t seem to particularly revel at the bit of information I had just supplied.
She didn't seem to grasp the earth shattering importance, maybe? Revel is what you're doing...

Her dark, hazelnut-like eyes were narrowed in concentration and still glued to a vacant spot on the ceiling.
I think I've assumed this pose a time or two myself, lol!

I, of course, had to content with that.
Miss a word? Be content with that...

But I knew not, that all of it was to be gone soon, like camphor metamorphosed into a whiff of disappearing vapor.
Lovely image and a very appropriate to describe what happens next. *Laugh*

Delighted (comma) I had accepted the offer and (comma) soon (comma) both of us were sashaying towards the block.

Only when she came closer that I did notice her
It was only when she came closer that I noticed her...

landing of Bridget’s supple palm
Bridget is a big girl and quite sturdily built. I might change this a bit: the crack of Bridget's thick palm striking Lucy's soft cheek.

Instantly I knew what to do to let my pain ease
Instantly, I knew what I had to do to rid myself of this pain.

She rattled off harshly and left.
This is a great place to add another vivid image. She spat the words like bullets..., the words struck like blows... Something like that *Wink*

I thoroughly enjoyed this story. You capture the angst of an eight year old trying desperately to be popular and you keep it firmly in a child's perspective. That's not always easy to do. The descriptions of the mother's stories made me laugh and the haughty little girl captured the memory of so many children we have known. Very, very nice! The suggestions I made above, with the exception of punctuation, are opinions so feel free to disregard if you choose.
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Review by Raine Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Honestly, I read this through with half an eye out for mistakes, goofs of logic and other things to point out. What I found was a story full of simple honest truths that happen to so many people.

I slept with someone else and beat her to the punch that I thought was coming.
Ouch! How many people have done this and then wondered how they had misjudged so badly.

When a relationship turns to s***, it’s often not any particular instance. It’s just a collection of small heartbreaking things that eventually leave a relationship doomed.
This is, perhaps, the biggest truth of them all. Any relationship, marriage even, will fall apart on this little truth. It's like weeding a garden, you got to keep the pricklies and the suckers out or everything dies.

As a reviewer, I found nothing, not even punctuation, that needed changing. The words choices, even the profanity, were well chosen and the effect is perfect. As a reader, I thank you. It's been a long time since I have thought about this sort of thing. Kudos to you!
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Review by Raine Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I like it! Too strange but I almost want to ask if you work for Walmart! (lol) Have lots of days like those there.

Just a few notes: In the first stanza,"A blind man can see/But you choose to be blind,
To the mask I wear to hide whats behind"
Too many blinds. You can "turn a blind eye" without being blind which might help it sound less redundant. Also I would seperate "you and you it was all of you" into "you and you; it was all of you." Keeps the phrases seperate and easier to read.
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Review by Raine Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
That is an incredible read! The sights and sounds and smells are alive and believable. I wouldn't change a thing.
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Review of Honeydew Romance  Open in new Window.
Review by Raine Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Very nice! You capture the moment with all the uncertainties and warm fuzzies that come with it. It like the way you use the linked hands to symbolize the relationship. Too many authors would have taken a warm intimate moment of falling in love and made it a steamy love scene as if love can only happen through sex.

Just one little quibble and not much of one at that -"Completely level with the ground, this road was wholly secluded; farmers only used it as a shortcut during planting and harvest season."
Unless a road crosses a bridge it is always level with the ground. ;) You might say something like the road was level with the fields, rutted from tractor tires ( I live in ND so I know about tractor rutted roads.)

Keep up the good work!
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