Oh wonderful.A picture here is worth another thousand words. I also like the offhand manner and voice of this
zoon. Take a five. By the bye,speaking of photos;started a fishing piece for the upcoming deadline. I mean, really, if an old fisherman like me can't come up with something then it's big trouble.Stay tuned.
I am a big fan of haunted house stories. I have now read this three times and would like to make a few suggestions. Probably the thing that impresses me the most is that it reads rather like a series of notes for development. These notes lead me to ask a couple questions related to the characters and the house. Who are these people? What is their relationship to each other? What are these stories about the house?
I think your aim here is to build some suspense which would be further advanced by more description of the history of the house. You need to put the reader in this spooky [?]wood in front of the house with these two. Tension,details will build lots of tension, to give this a flavor of danger which would culminate with the doors slamming.
In short, rewrite and refine to grab interest and build an atmosphere of otherworldly-ness. I would encourage you to do this as you have a really neat potential piece of work here.
All the best. Rock on!
I really liked this little piece. I have a feeling that this has a personal experience mixed in. Nice twist too.
This is part of an ongoing project to read at least three pieces from the fiction writing group membership. Have a happy new year. I look forward to more of your stuff.
Honestly, you did. My wife is looking at me wondering what is so damn funny. Love this. Honestly, I do.
Here is my all time favorite Chihuahua story which,I trust, you will enjoy.
Albert, all trepidation, walks into a bar in the Yukon.
"Who owns the Great Dane tied up outside?"
A vast mountain of flesh in a red Mackinaw stands up.
" I do, what of it." The mountain growls.
"It's dead." Says Albert
"What! How the hell. . .?"
"My dog killed him."
By this time the mountain has moved to tower over Albert.
"What kind of dog you have that can kill a Great Dane?"
" A Chihuahua." The tension in the bar is relieved by a tide of laughter.
OOO,we likes it, preciousss. Now I have to "dig up" that ghost story I have stashed away. I'll tell you though,that formaldehyde does strange things. That little girl might get more than she bargained for.
I have owned a lot of cats and find your treatment of cat logic very funny. May I venture one small change that might be made? This sentence:"I stood over the sink where water had been gathered there by the little misses when the Misses had ordered to be done so." Should there be an "it" to read ". . .when the Misses had ordered it to be done so." Or: delete the "there" and the "so" Just a thought.
Rock on writer!
I rather like this as it stands,but then, I am a short story freak. Although this is probably just a matter of personal taste, just for fun read the second paragraph as the opener then the intimidation bit.
I think this is very powerful: "I hear the pounding drive of rap music pouring from the run-down apartments. My headache throbs to it’s rhythm."
I know from funerals and I think the thought process of the two characters is authentic. There is a technical question or two. Wills are not really "read" in lawyers any more and not on the day of the services in any event.
Also, it would much easier to read if the piece was broken into paragraphs. I swear I have met these guys.
Rock on!
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