Oh. Shivers. VERY powerful. I like the way nothing rhymes, and how it's just pure, unaldurated emotion. It struck a chord (As all good poetry should), and was just so amazing. I like how the ending seems alittle off, and stays with you like the ringing clarity of a bell. I like it. Great job, and keep writing!
-DDQ
Wow. That was.....breathtaking. You ensnared me with your opening, pulled me along for the ride, and left me comletely satiated at the end. You have no idea how much I have been needing to see a poem as good as this one. It's like food for the soul, and for the first time in what seems like forever, I've had a nutritious meal. Great job, forestsage! Keep up the good work!
-DDQ
LoL! This is great! It's so horribly valley girl..the writing is incredible, I like the way you incorporate all the different styles in a rather ditzy manner, it adds character! Great job, and keep writing!
-DDQ
Hmmm....an interesting poem that really makes you think. I liked it! The only thing that snagged one of the corners of my brain was the last line of the second to last stanza...I kept change the don't to do not in my head, and it seemed to flow better....But that's really only my opinion! I really enjoyed this piece- the way it makes you think, question, and analyze is great! Great job, and keep writing!
-DDQ
You are very good with dialogue. However, you're story has a few typographical errors (a careful read through on your part to make sure you don't have things like some instead of so me and such), and it's writing could use a bit of work. You really are very good at dialogue; why didn't you use that? Because, I'm sorry to say this, but your writing is blockish, forced sounding, and less than mediocre. It sounds like you're writing a point by point or an essay; which this story obviously is not. Also, when you are using quotation marks in a quote, IE: so she said, "She's just a 'dumb blonde'", you only use the apostrophes around the word, not more quotation marks. Also, your last line wasn't very well written (grammatically). It should probably be more like, "Now we can all see the truth in the statemen that only the strong survive". Personally, I wouldn't end it that way. It's not very strong,a nd doesn't give the reader a nice sense of finality. Your story seems to stagnate whenever you're not blockily telling actions. Finesse (and a thesaurus) is an author's friend. Smoothing edges and elongating descriptions can make a great story. You have a very intrigueing story (a little over done, but still a nice plot). But, when you're writing, try switching around words a bit (I have the same problem!). Like when you are describing the angel, you use black twice (almost in a row!). This is a writing ixnay. IT makes the reader feel like they are going in circles. You need to shorten your dialogue (words like don't and won't and couldn't help quite a bit), because it feels a little too preachy at the moment. Keep writing, you show a great potential!
-DDQ
Aaaaaaww. That is the sweetest thing I've read all morning. Your rhyming scheme works very well; it flows so naturally and perfectly I love it! This is a very sweet piece, and I greatly enjoyed it! Personally, I like the ending; I thought it was so sweet after hearing the child's loss of her mother. Great job, and keep writing!
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I really enjoyed this piece- the way it makes you think, question, and analyze is great! Great job, and keep writing!
