Hi. I finally had a little time, so I've gone through your story again. You've improved it considerably, so I increased my rating to "3", but since "writing is rewriting" it could still use a a fair amount of work. I wonder if you used a spell checker before posting this update? The reason I ask is, there are still some spelling errors. I may have missed some, but the ones I've found are highlighted in yellow. I've also pointed out some other items for you to consider improving.
Lastly, I suggest you study the proper way to display dialog (such as when you need to start a new paragraph, for example).
Best wishes, good luck, and remember to write!
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Chapter One
I wasn’t supposed to have this life; waiting on others and having to smile and pretend like I want to be here. It’s because of him that this is the life I live. Really I can’t blame it all on him. I guess it’s all my fault for believing every word e [he] had to say. When he told me he loved me or that we would always be together I believed him. I never thought I would walk into my best friends room and find him passed out with no shirt on and her in his arms. That day I lost the two people who I thought I could always depend on.
They were the last two people I ever trusted. I had no family do [due] to guy [word missing] deciding to drink and drive. He killed my parents and little brother leaving me an orphan. Yeah, my parents had plenty of siblings but not one of them were fighting to take in a teenager. Finally after finding out there was a little money involved my uncle Robert took me in. He didn’t do anything to raise me, however. There was always food in the fridge and I never went without clothes or anything essential. But I went without love and affection.
In fact, Robert let me know every day that if he wasn’t being compensated for taking care of me I would be on the streets. He didn’t have time for a teenager to ruin his life. I was supposed to be seen and not heard and expected to be present in the event he needed me. Since he was a high power attorney I was expected to act prim, proper and perfect. It didn’t matter if he held a party on the anniversary that my family was ripped apart. I was told life wasn’t about me so I [I had] better not embarrass him.
The moment I graduated high school I left that life behind. I received some scholarships and saved money from working in Robert’s office during the summers. He didn’t want me there but it was expected of him so I had a job. I started college in the summer just so I wouldn’t have to stay in his house any longer. I honestly don’t think he would have let me stay past my graduation. I think I just beat him to the punch. I went to a college five hours away so I wouldn’t ever be forced to interact with him or my other aunts and uncles again. I pretended like I no longer had a family.
It was that first summer that I met him. He came into my world like a breath of fresh air. He was unlike anyone I’d ever been around. He was a forward thinker and a dreamer, determined to be someone great. I found myself orbiting around him and enjoying every moment of it. He was a junior at the time so he told me all of the trade secrets and really helped me navigate my new environment. I even met my then best friend through him. They grew up together so she also took me under he [her] wings.
I thought I was finally building meaningful relationships again. After three months we started dating and everything seemed perfect. I was finally happy and not just pretending to be. Although he and I came from different worlds he didn’t make me feel like less. His parents didn’t approve of the two of us. They were never overtly rude to me and he always told me his opinion was the only one that mattered.
Again I believed him; until that fateful day. I remember it like it was yesterday. Finals were over and I headed to help my friend pack since she was graduating on Saturday. She texted me to come by earlier and because I had nothing better to do I agreed to the change. I didn’t know she would cut my heart out. When I walked in the door was unlock she was laying my boyfriend and his bare chest. [What? Something's definitely missing here, isn't it?] I must have made a noise of shock because she snapped awake. I didn’t need an explanation but she followed me out of the room and offered me one anyways. [anyway] They were sneaking around my back for three months and were planning to tell me after finals were over. They didn’t mean to hurt me but they could no longer deny the chemistry between them. They had so much in common and according to her, he was just tired of defending our relationship to everyone.
I was devastated but I wouldn’t let the bitch see me cry. I turned and walked away. I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction. That day I packed up everything that belonged to him or that he gave me and took it to his apartment along with his key. I was glad his roommate was out so I avoided any awkward conversations. He tried to call me several times but after the first voicemail of him wanting to talk, I blocked his number. I told my roommate that I didn’t want to see him and she made sure I didn’t. I even moved out of my dorms early so I wouldn’t have to run into him by chance.
Two months later I found out I was pregnant. I was finally getting someone in my life to love me unconditionally. The only problem was how was I supposed to take care of a baby alone? I tried to do the right thing and let him know about the situation. I went to his house and left a note with his mom. I told her it was important and I would be waiting for his call. He never called. [Hmmm...did you remember to unblock his number?] I even tried to call him but he changed his number. [Okay, so if he had tried to call you his new number wouldn't have been blocked. Okay.]
I took that to believe [to mean?] I was now on my own. I couldn’t go back to school in the fall because I had a new set of responsibilities. I had no home to go to. That summer I got a job as a waitress and instead of having my apartment for the summer only [How about "instead of only for the summer" instead of "for the summer only?] I extended my lease. I promised myself I was going to do the best I could for my baby.
I’ve been keeping my word so far. Yeah, the best I can offer isn’t the best at all but my little girl doesn’t know that to her I hung the moon. [...What? "...to her you hung the moon? Maybe you could rewrite that sentence?] It’s been four years. I will finally graduate college this Saturday and be on the path to making my life great again.
“Monica, you’ve been sat.” Time to smile again. I have just two more weeks of this before I start my job as an accountant. That’s what I keep telling myself as I walk to greet my new table.
“Hello, thanks for dining with us tonight. My name is Monica [missing a semi-colon or period here] can I get you started with tonight’s drink special?” I can recite this line in my sleep. As I finally look at my guest I am speechless. [Is your reader supposed to believe that this waitress walked to the customer's table and gave her complete spiel to them before actually looking at them? Yes, it's possible, but highly unlikely. What do you think?]
“Monica, is it you?” {New paragraph....]
No, no this can’t be happening. Why of all the restaurants in this city does he have to eat in mine? I haven’t seen him in for years ["...haven't seen him for years," or, "...haven't seen him in four years"] and all a sudden I am expected to serve him. [New paragraph]
“Oh my gosh, it can’t be the same Monica Gabe, why would your ex be waiting tables?” I turn to look at who’s speaking although I know Angelica’s voice.[New paragraph]
“Oh wow[comma] it is Monica. It’s so nice to see you again. I’m sorry we lost contact after I graduated. I would never have thought I would run into you like this. I would ask how’s your life been but I guess by your occupation life hasn’t been all that great.”
I have to be dreaming. Not only are they here but also Angelica is pretending like I give a fuck about her or our old friendship. I don’t bother responding.[New paragraph]
“Angel, what’s wrong with you?” Gabriel’s response shocks the hell out of me and also causes me to do the last thing I want to do and look at him again.[New Paragraph}
“You’re right Gabe that was rude of me. I was simply shocked. Maybe we should go somewhere else to eat[comma] or request another server?”
This time, I don’t look at her but instead at the table hoping he will agree with her and leave. While I’m looking down I do notice his fingers are absent of a ring so they must not have tied the knot yet. I can only guess they have been together all this time since they are out together tonight.
“No, I’m fine here actually. I think I will have one of your drink specials tonight. If you don’t mind serving us we will be ready to order shortly. What are you drinking Angelica?”[New paragraph]
Why am I being tortured? I swear I’ve done everything right. It’s not like I can afford to give the table away. It will be my last of the night and I need the money to pay the babysitter.
“I shouldn’t have alcohol so I’ll have a diet coke, thank you.” The way she says her drink order makes it sound as though she shouldn’t drink for a reason. I try my best not to speculate. But honestly, just because he didn’t want a child with me doesn’t mean he will turn his back on her. I just have to get through tonight then I won’t have to see them again. This thought brings a smile to my face so it becomes my new mantra.
Time has slowed and Gabriel keeps trying to start conversations with me. I only respond to things that will lead to them ending their meals. Finally, they cash out and I don’t think I’ve ever been more relieved. I am shocked that he didn’t ask me anything about if he has a child. But again I’m glad because I don’t think I would have been able to keep my job if he casually asked me if I kept it.[These last two sentences are pretty rocky; you may wish to rewrite them.]
I suppose he already knows the answer because I receive a check every month from his parents. They’ve never asked to see Sienna but a check is always there on the first. I thought about sending them back but I have to be smart. I don’t use them but I do deposit them into a saving[savings] account in Sienna’s name. That way it can be used as a college fund or [if, ]God forbid something happens[ to me]. If she has to stay with her godparents they will have something to help take care of her. I know how important it is for a child to come attached to money.[ ? ] That account might be what keeps her from foster care. I know I chose good godparents for my daughter but I also thought all my aunts and uncles loved me at one time. It seems that people change when they have to see you more than occasionally.
They [Gabriel and Angelica] finally leave. I notice he left me a hundred dollar tip along with his phone number and a note to call him. I ignore the note because he knows where I live if he wants to talk to me about his daughter. I take the tip because after having to serve [them] him and Angelica I feel as though I deserve it.
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