This has promise. The narrator is interesting and, from how you've presented Philhaz he seems to be a generally good person. The narration is a bit inconsistent with language and tone going from traditional to more present-day trendy turns of phrase and colloquialisms. The dialogue from the accompanying friends goes a long way in describing their character as well. There are more than a few spelling and tense slip-ups but the story itself is engaging. The exposition is a bit uneven in that you have terms which go largely unexplained whereas there are others you go on into greater detail. I'd like to see what happens with this piece after you've really gotten into your story and settled into your narration style. Slip-ups aside, it's interesting and Philhaz has the potential to be an engaging and interesting character.
Very interesting back and forth. It could be cultural or a matter of class but I don't think I've ever heard people say the name of the person they're talking to so much during a verbal exchange, particularly when they're the only ones in the room. The dialogue, at least on Shelby's end kind of went back and forth from educated/cultured to more common speech. That aside, I did really enjoy Marni's set-up and smooth breakdown of how she'd set Shelby up. Was this an exercise or part of a novella or novel you're working on? I'd be interested in knowing how it all panned out.
Solid, detailed recounting of a rough day at sea. Like the detail and thoroughness of what was done and why and how you left it open since the day wasn't over and the peril hadn't passed.
Entertaining. Made me smile while I was reading. I have a special respect for poets because it's a form of writing I simply don't have the discipline or imagination to seriously attempt. There were a few word choices I thought were questionable only in they aren't common enough the average reader would readily know what they are but the context clues would likely help them muddle through.
Has potential. Too much of it cites items and individuals with no explanation as to what they are or what their importance is. Also, the transitions are jolting. It's obvious "you" know what you want to say but are struggling through the execution. Some grammatical issues as well as and abstract or unusual terms. An "evil light"? How is a light evil? I have no doubt that you know but there's nothing explaining what that is to the reader. It has potential though, with additional polishing and more detail to paint the entire picture.
Low key creepy. Very well done. I particularly like How he goes from only wanting to protect his garden to becoming a Halloween ornament/decoration Terminator (if you would). Then, when the Witch comes to take him away from the craziness? Creepy.
Really liked the narrative style (or it could've just been me doing a bad Bogart impression in my head). There were some logistical details that had me shaking my head (a rigged shotgun in a suitcase when you said he had to get to the airport fast 'after' she'd pistol whipped you unconscious? When did he have time to set all that up? Or two fast steps and he just took a shot to the nuts like that?) All that aside, this was a fun read. I'd like to see more of your protagonist's adventures.
LOL! Yeah, this was really entertaining. What I found most impressive was your non-use of dialogue tags. It was a wise decision. You structured your narrative so well they would've slowed the back and forth between Kopi and the narrator. Very amusing story and, although some may have formatting preferences and recommended edits, I think it's fine. I particularly liked the ending. Never let them see you sweat!
Really good dialogue. Some of the dialogue tags were unnecessary (IMO) because you give each speaker such a distinct voice. I knew when Alan, Mom and Jared was talking with no problems following along. I initially thought to add you could've included what Mom was doing outside the door but your dialogue covered it. You didn't have to tell me she was looking through the door at the lock because she told us she could see it.
The first portion of this, where you describe the goings on in the doctor's office wasn't really that engaging or smoothly done. But you had me at, "The exchange started me thinking..." That's when this piece just popped. The questions you asked. The scenarios you laid out. How would you do it differently? Would you do it differently? Would having your present knowledge taint the experiences of younger you and changes who you were? How would your new choices affect who you ultimately became? Formatting aside (no biggie) your inner thoughts are what salvaged it from the beginning and made this absolutely shine for me.
Where to start? Wow. I'm a sucker for poetry anyway because I admire the imagination it takes to have a concept and tie it together through verse. Add to that, the varying levels of complexity that can be employed based on the skill of the poet and it can kick it to another level. I loved your use of imagery, different magical female archetypes and how, depending on the situation, they were innocent and endearing or sinister forces (pixie vs dark angel). Then there was the dimension/world and element shifting and usage of visceral imagery (sandblasted tomb of my soul/an ocean of snow ripples through all horizons). Just verse after verse of trippy word play and hope, loss, indifference all contributing to the narrator's experience.
I have to say, this was confusing. The sword went from being a plain sword, to enchanted and I was wholly unaware of the transformation/transition/revelation. It just was. The same situation when Sven struck out at a demon. When did the demon appear and when did he strike at its chest? Then when he "stands up" to Orekhan, he doesn't really stand up at all, he just says, "Give the girl her toy," and let himself get slapped in the face. As a writer myself, there are times I jot things down quickly and forget filler elements that will make it clearer because I don't want to forget what I felt were the more interesting bits but when I would go back and read I'd see how much I left out. It looks as if that's the case here.
First and foremost, it's obvious you know your story and what you want to say. The issue is with your execution. The writing is so stilted. For example, you'll have a situation where only one person is speaking and continually use their name vs pronouns or just dialogue alone. We already know who's speaking.
You describe movement as if you're real-time narrating the walk thru for a play or someone is describing what they're seeing to someone who can't see it. But as the reader we can, if the writer shows it to us. Example: "Cacspon walks up behind Jassina and places his hands on her shoulders. She pulls herself away from him. First, it’s with her right shoulder. Then her left one. “Relax, I’m not here to attack you.” Or "Cacspon walked up behind Jassina, placing his hands on her shoulder. She pulled away from him, first the right shoulder then the left." Or something like that. You're using present tense form for actions that have transpired by the time you describe them. The way it presently read is more like prompts. You describe it "then" they do it vs you describing it real-time.
I also can't recall if you used pronouns vs names. Once it's established who is speaking you should use names somewhat sparingly since we know what they're saying and the dialogue tags who is speaking. You also say Galvian like this is Black Panther and you're talking about Wakanda. After a while "here" will suffice or it gets tedious.
I was also confused by their location. You write, “Most of you will be trying to solve the reason why we have been living within Galvian for almost nine hundred years,” continues Nathum. “And when we can return to living on Galvian again.” Say what? Now, I believe you meant they're living "inside" the planet or beneath its surface but the way you say it is unnecessarily cryptic. This is a briefing and they all know what Nathum is talking about and we should too.
The rest of the piece continues in this vein, present tense forms of verbs for actions that have transpired, "walks, asks, answers...". Pick up a sci-fi book and see how the author describes actions that have just taken place vs those that are ongoing. "Nathum ran as fast as he could" (ongoing action) because until you say something different, that's what he's doing at that moment vs "Nathum runs as fast as he can."
This was excellent! The level of detail in describing the tunnels was truly impressive. Detailed but, not boorish. Also, the quick recap of the history of Hal and Simon's friendship was entertaining as well. Very economical writing, not a wasted word or sentence.
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