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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dalektzet
Review Requests: OFF
29 Public Reviews Given
43 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I'm critical, but I attempt to be encouraging. I will tell you precisely what I think with minimal sugar-coating.
I'm good at...
I prefer big picture things. Story elements, characterization, finding what needs elaborating. I will nitpick, but I'm honest about it being nitpicking, and I try to acknowledge any personal bias.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, Sci-fi, adventure
Least Favorite Genres
romantic fluff and religious material
Favorite Item Types
Stories, short or long
Least Favorite Item Types
poetry
I will not review...
personal memoirs and religious things, unless you're looking for vicious criticism and cruelty.
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Spilt Milk  Open in new Window.
Review by Tzet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
That, that was creepy. I loved it, totally didn't see that twist coming, and now I've got something crawling on my spine. Congrats.

The bold words, I'm not sure what's up with them, because while some of them make sense emphasized, "corner" doesn't. Unless it's the rocking chair that made Oliver as he is, then it would make sense.

Personal Bias, I would start with Peter instead of He. He is inherently distancing, and in something so short you want to draw in as quickly as possible. Also, your last line falls a little oddly, though I'm at a loss for suggestions. It just seems to hang there.

Nitpicks, you're missing a space under the dialog, "Again?", and there should be a "his" between uttered and first in the second-to-last paragraph. I also think there should be a comma after "reached for the glass"
2
2
Review by Tzet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I need to find my ass, I laughed it off somewhere around bulging muscles and whimpering desire.

I think this is really well done, and hits on a common problem we all must wrestle with. It's another reason we need others to read our work, they are not so invested as we, and can spot when we've given too much for free.

That and finding tiny errors to nitpick about, I noticed that in the seventh segment down, the one just above I digress, you used compliment twice, I think you wanted the second to be complaint? Also, between two-hundred and eighty-two there should be hyphens, I'm fairly sure. You have started a sentence with but, how could you? I kid, though I think that sentence should be perhaps linked to the next one. They're so short, it bothers me, but that's personal bias.
3
3
Review by Tzet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
This is entertaining and engaging.

You have an interesting and engaging premiss but your descriptions fall short.

Your charters have personalities but little in the way of appearance, save you shape-shifter. Also. Morphy for a shifter is a bit cliche. This could be much improved with more description and setting.

Nitpick question, chopping vegetables on a slab of what? there are no chopping slabs in kitchens, only cutting boards and butcher blocks, block is an acceptable shorthand. My partner is in the industry, that's what I'm basing this statement on. A slab of meat would also be acceptable.
4
4
Review of Heart's Cry  Open in new Window.
Review by Tzet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
You've got some good imagery in here, and there is a quick and definite mood.

You keep switching tenses, I'd stick with past as it's what your using for most of it. If the character is still talking, you don't need a fresh paragraph. It just clutters your page with more untagged dialog. You are also suffering from said bookism, and aversion to the word said.I also suffer this malady, but if you keep using other words like returned it just draws attention to your avoiding said.

The dialog gets a little stilted, and your charming host has some unlikely phrases coming out of his mouth. If you want him to be warm and a little formal, avoid slang and turns of phrase like "breaking down your door" especial when followed by an old-school "your hand." If she gives him her nickname, it's an invitation to use it. making a deal of it after feels forced.

If your character is making smart talk, show me that smart, don't have the guy tell me she's smart. This is also moving to fast to be believable, have them get trough more of the night before he asks her to bed or they both look bad.

Personal Bias/Nitpick/Pet Peeve: five seven is not, nor has it ever been, petite. Five five is the average height of a woman, your character is tall. This is a personal thing, because I'm five two, but it threw me right out of the story.
5
5
Review by Tzet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
You definably have something going on here, I hope to see the the rest of it.

You're getting bogged down, visually and story-wise. Every time a new character speaks, there should be a paragraph break, that will make your wall of text more digestible. Most of your sentences are I did this, they did that. Try to change it up, it feels repetitive. Especially bad are the "they cheered", and "They protested." You have a lot of telling and no showing.

I also knew nothing about your character other than they're older than small children, and the last paragraph gave me a gender. I understand this is your second chapter but there is no reference to anything about this girl, not even a single hair in her eyes. her friend is also without description, and I also didn't figure she was a girl till the end.

Grammatical Nitpicks, I'm guessing Immitadly 4th sentence 2nd paragraph, is supposed to be Admittedly, and the attacked boy in the news cast should have a single body, not bodies.
6
6
Review of Genesis One  Open in new Window.
Review by Tzet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I, am not sure where to begin.

That was incredibly well done, very visceral. The imagery had me squirming.

I think your segment with the murder fantasy reads so much like a sex scene that the blatant use of orgasmic and enormous bulge at the end takes away from it. If you made it a little more subtle you could drag out the reveal a bit, keep the reader guessing, something I always enjoy but that's personal bias.

You're also relying heavily on similes, and the comparison to animal drives. A little goes a long way with those, and is best spread thin across a chapter or three, again personal bias.
7
7
Review by Tzet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is not just a fascinating story, it's beautifully written.

I can find no grammar or word usage nitpicks.

My only issue is the flying purple people eater segment, I see what you are trying to convey, but you might be better served with something less ridiculous, it breaks mood and doesn't fit well with the rest.
8
8
Review of Dusk to Dawn  Open in new Window.
Review by Tzet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Even with such a short piece, you've managed to convey a lot of mood.

It's an interesting bit, encouraging the reader to think.

You have neglected all the other senses, which are also affected by absence of light, often in the opposite way. Without them, I feel the piece is lacking.
9
9
Review of Snapshots  Open in new Window.
Review by Tzet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
You have good imagery, great mood, and good use of language.

There are a few sentences in the first segment that have inconsistencies, such as the switch from one to they.

The ending of the first segment, with the emphasis on choice, leading into the second in which choice is absent, feels odd, personal bias.

Your third segment is so fast, compared to the second, that it feels incomplete, like there should be something more.
10
10
Review by Tzet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
You have a tight, concise story, with believable characters. Small grammatical problems, that first and, bracketed by commas, should just go.

You Protagonist perfectly displays all the self-obsessed naivety of a fourteen year old boy, I especially like the futile daydream that kids in high school have it so much better, the rush of nostalgia made me smile.

On the other hand, the talking to a girl for an hour=girlfriend seemed a bit of a jump, especially the assumption of caring. It's just an hour, personal bias.

Also, establishing all these potential social issues, then whisking the character off to Texas, feels like cheating. He will never have to face the consequences of his actions, cheapening their impact.

Personal Bias: The comparison you're drawing between the girl, Mr. Leonard, and the shepherd bugs me, as a shepherd values his sheep, where as the other two do not value the protagonist or his father, which seem to be your point.
11
11
Review by Tzet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I snickered. I'm super picky about comedy, and I kept snickering.

You are missing a chunk of your story. You are interrupted by the cat name side-story, then never pick the sentence back up, just suddenly the door is being opened.

Your aliens could use more description, and an explanation for their obsession with cats would be nice, even if it's just mistaking the dominant life-form, which you loosely imply.
12
12
Review of Three Little Pigs  Open in new Window.
Review by Tzet Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I have to say I've never seen the third pig go cannibal, congratulations on taking it somewhere new.

For review purposes,there is an important question I must begin with.

Is this the truth as told by the injured party, or is the wolf an unreliable narrator?

If the first, your characterization is over the top, Example: no one trapped in a burning house stops to question who's saving them, if they can even speak for smoke and fear. A few choked pleas and screams could better serve you here than the silliness they're displaying.

If the second, it would help for you to introduce discrepancies, and blatant exaggerations, to shake the wolf's story. it's already straining my credulity, make it impossible.

In either case, more description, especially in that wall of single-line dialog, would be good. The quick flames of burning straw, the smoldering glow of wood, give it some life. plus that odd simile about the smoke as friends lingering in the lungs, it doesn't do anything for me, personal bias.
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