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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/danpettit
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18 Public Reviews Given
59 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
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Review of Old Glory  Open in new Window.
Review by Dan Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

I've been remiss in keeping up with your new stuff. Somehow you manage to keep the usual Mara instensity in a 13+ story. Very clever. But it was touching too.

Awesome as always!


Dan
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Review of Amazingly Blue  Open in new Window.
Review by Dan Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

Ok, YOUR Snape is growing on me. *Smile*

I really liked the way you switched the POV from hers to his. It could have been confusing if done badly.

The Dumbledore scene was really well done, perfectly in character.

I saw a few things and copied them as I went. So, here they are. Some are minor technical problems, the others are just suggestions - feel free to use or ignore those as you wish! They should go in order with the story.

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"She wished she could hex their annoyingly cocky little buts to "

I think in this case it's "butts."

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“Oh, gosh, Professor, please do not. Please!”

I might see Snape say 'please do not' - but in a panicy moment, Tamara would probably say 'please don't'. Less formal.

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" One minute, she was in... trying hard not to let him see her crying, and then, the next, the door was open, hexes were flying,"

I'm wondering if you need "and then, the next"? How about; "One minute, she was..... , the next, the door..."

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"... black hair out of his face and tied it off with the string."

You mentioned the string at the begining of the sentence, I don't thing you need "with the string" at the end.

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In this dialog, you do the "she talks - he reacts" thing on the same line. I'm not sure that's how it should be???

“Stop doing that!” she snapped at the young professor. He looked confused.

“Doing what?” he asked her.

“Moving so – so quietly! It's creepy, and you are constantly doing it!” He blinked in surprise.

“I am?”

Maybe it would be better;

“Stop doing that!” she snapped at the young professor.

“Doing what?” he asked her, looking confused.

“Moving so – so quietly! It's creepy, and you are constantly doing it!”

"I am?" He blinked in surprise.

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"He shook his head only to find that imagine replaced with another,"

I don't think 'imagine' can be used as a noun. *Smile* Unless it was just a typo? Did you mean 'image'. That would work.

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"She raked a hand threw her messy hair and rubbed her eyes."

Definitely should be "through" not "threw". (I do this kind of thing all the time. *Smile*)

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"...When he opened the door the wing, his nerve.."

Should be; "the door TO the wing"

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Ok - I'm done! Hope that's not too much? They were just minor things.

Very well written - keep it up!
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Review of Numb  Open in new Window.
Review by Dan Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

That was really good!

(Sorry if I'm ruining your perfect 5 star rating. Mara yelled at me for that too! *Wink* I've not given out a 5 yet.)

Technically, flawless. I didn't see anything wrong.

It's probably just me but this line;

Though I know I'm not alone here, it is still dark, pitch black, like the bowels of a bottomless well.

...seemed to catch me a little wrong, "bowels" and "well" didn't click. I'm thinking something 'animal like' with 'bowels' . Now, if you added something describing the well as the gaping maw of an animal and your were traped deep inside it - that might do it.

I really liked this one;
Unable to move, unable to cry, I lay trapped as my tears mingle with the warm rain.

It was really clever to do it from her(?) POV.

Thanks.
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Review by Dan Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)

Very fun! Was the opening paragraph and example page a constest? How did you do?

Congrats on NaNo. Did you win?

I haven't put any of mine on the site yet.

These;

“Yes I’m fine.” Ciyme said out of breath.
“I could easily untie him.” Molten said.
“You aren’t going to do anything.” She said.

I think they should be commas inside the quotes rather than full stops - no?

I'm not certain of the ones with more than one sentece of dialog followed by a tag line - like this;

“Oh, I’m sorry. Was that not lady like? I’ll have to work on that.” Ryn said sarcastically as she continued to rummage through his things.

I see you have the Novel itself as a folder in your port. I'll give it a read too.


Dan
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Review by Dan Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)

Excellent advice. I hope I don't do any of them! (But I probably do.)
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Review of On the Chance  Open in new Window.
Review by Dan Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)

Well Mara, I'm reminded of Monty Python; "Now for Something Completely Different". *Smile*


Awesome as always. (Thanks for blowing me out of the water in the Contest! LOL)

Seriously, touching and beautifully written. You manage to get me with something every time.

The snow clouds skittered across the night sky, the full moon making a majestic appearance, bathing the grounds in its silver glow.

Perfect.

Cool little twist at the end too.

Dan
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Review by Dan Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi - I saw your link on the Plug Page.

I liked it so far!

I didn't see anything technically wrong - grammar, spelling, etc. Not that I'm the best judge, but nothing jumped out at me.

The only thing I thought was a bit odd was the formatting. You use a lot of small paragraphs that I don't think need to be seperated - like the first two, possible three, could easily be one paragraph. Of course, they need to be broken up for dialog...

The characters seem pretty well defined, for just being the first chapter.

Is it really your first attempt? If so, it's very well done.

Good Luck!
Dan
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Review by Dan Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Cute! And funny!

I'm not really a fan of the marauder era - but this was well done. I like that you started with her running - jumped right into action without a lot of description. Grabs the reader right away.

You might have used the 'rolled eyes' description a little too often? But they seemed appropriate each time.

Thanks!
Dan
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Review by Dan Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)

Another good chapter. I figure H and Molly might have some of the usual Mother In Law tension, you handled it well.

I don't recall Muriel being particularly anti-muggleborns? But, she was definitely grumpy and intimidating and you got that dead on!

"Chicken tape", very funny!

I hope you go on with it, I'd like to see the wedding.

Dan
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