\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/datarhythm
Review Requests: OFF
5 Public Reviews Given
8 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by datarhythm Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
## How to read my review:
Any line that begins with a # is my own comment.
Any line that begins with ## is a start of a large section of my comments and I'll end it with another ##
Any line that does not have a # is a direct Copy and Paste from your story
##

## How I rate (half stars are in between):
5 Stars - I'm at the edge of my seat yearning for the next paragraph/page/chapter. I've forgotten that I'm suppose to be reviewing. You hit all 5 things I look for: Authors writing style, great flow/tempo, no spelling/grammatical errors, characters are relatable and have great chemistry/dynamics, and the plot has me hooked like a crazy stalker (because I will stalk your work if you get 5 stars from me). Bottom line: Take My Money!
4 Stars - It's good. Has the potential to be a 5 stars with only a few modifications (2-3).
3 Stars - Needs some work in more than 3 areas to get 5 stars but you got me hooked with either the plot or the characters.
1-2 Stars - I wouldn't ever waste my time in writing a 1-2 star review, so you won't ever see them *Smile*
##

Then again, it seemed that lately every night I couldn't even rest my eyes.
# The words "lately every night" and "even" make this sentence read awkward for me.

I gazed at the window not even looking out to the distance.
# Second half of this sentence doesn't flow for me. Minimum you need a comma after "window" but I think you could do better here.

I turned my head to look upon the sleeping children of the orphanage and sighed, listening as each of them snored in an individual fashion.
# "look upon the sleeping children" reads out of place for me. "look upon" sounds formal and most kids don't call other kids children. But I like the "individual fashion" part.

The orphanage is conveniently placed in a crime ridden town in which the only sounds you can hear outside are police sirens, barking dogs, and the occasional gunshot.
# You are switching tenses here. "is" ==> "was", "in which" ==> "where" , "you can" ==> "you could", "are" ==> "were"

A gunshot always meant someone died, and death was something I never became used too no matter how much of it happened around me.
# Always? Also, "I never became" ==> "I'd never get"

Although I fear death, I’ve never come close to it. I have an immunity to sickness unlike any other compared to the others who seem to get the flu every week. When I would play outside with the others and injure myself I could feel no pain.
# Switching tenses again, all over.

It was as though I was immune to pain of any sort.
# "though I was" ==> "if I were"

I sat up erect, looking all around the room for the source of the voice, seeing no possible speaker considering everyone in the room was asleep.
# Sentence isn't complete if you use the word "seeing" (you're implying something else with it... example: "seeing as I'm awesome, I did it anyways"). You're leaving us hanging. Also a bit wordy at the end. I'd restructure.

Still wondering whom or what I should make eye contact with, I replied, “My power?”
# "whom" ==> "who" ... but honestly I'd reword this sentence. I think what you are trying to say is he doesn't know where to look (so saying he is wondering who or what to look at isn't accurate at all IMHO).

“You were born with a… gift. Kinda like my own. I can’t get into it as much as I’d like until we’ve met personally. Umm… I want you to do something for me! Look at your pillow…”
# I'd remove the last ellipsis. Also, this is worth reading: http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/marks/ellip...

I blinked twice from misunderstanding, but confirmed her request anyways.
# Huh?

“Point your index finger at it…” she added.
# Remove ellipsis.

I extended my arm outwards towards my pillow, following the maneuver by flicking one finger out to point at my pillow.
# I'd honestly whack the rest of this sentence after the command and just say "pointed my finger". This is a bit wordy.

“Now just imagine you’re lifting it up with your mind,” she concluded.
# I noticed you use different words for "said". Nothing wrong to just say "said" *Smile*.

I followed each of her instructions and much to my bewilderment, the white fleece pillow began to levitate!
# I'd remove "each of", as the reader already knows he's pointing his finger. I'd also remove either "white" or "fleece" from the sentence... being too descriptive ruins the effect IMHO.

I was both hysterical and afraid simultaneously
# Either remove "simultaneously" or "both" as it's redundant.

I wasn’t sure what to think or what to believe even.
# "even" ==> "in"

Jane giggled in a giddy, high-pitched fashion.
# I'd use something different than "fashion".

“You’re probably wondering how ya did that hunh? I can’t get into it until we’ve met face to face, but yeah!
# She's said that they had to meet face to face a lot already, I'd try something else (or remove it completely).

There’s too much to go over for me to tell you in just three hours,” she explained.
# why three hours?

“Why are you telling me this now?” I asked.
# Huh?

I’ll keep in touch tomorrow.”
# This read awkward for me. Try "I'll contact you tomorrow."

I bit my lip looking back at the pillow again.
# "back" and "again" implies he was looking at something else, which you didn't mention.

“Whaddya mean time isn’t on our side?” I queried.
# "queried" ==> "asked"

And with that her voice vanished, unheard from that moment on.
# Her voice wouldn't vanish, it would just stop talking *Smile*. I'd also remove the "unheard" portion of the sentence as it's a wordy way of saying she didn't talk to him again that night.

As the time past it had me wondering many things.
# "past" ==> "passed", also you might want to consider nixing the first "the" and introducing a comma after "passed". Oh, and "had" ==> "got" and "many things" doesn't read well for me. Might want to just reword that whole sentence haha.

The primary being…
# insert "thing" between "primary" and "being" (assuming you keep the previous sentence as is).




## Overall Thoughts:
Feels like a good first chapter. Enough mystery to it to catch the reader's attention. I wasn't a big fan of the girl's dialogue, but it could just be the character (read: yeah! hunh? okay?). It looks like you are trying to use different words than the classics. I wouldn't be afraid of telling it like how it is, just make sure the sentences flow together.


Like all reviews you get on this site, I’m just one reader. So take what you want and ignore the rest. If you make any modifications using my suggestions and would like me to re-rate orre-reiew it, I’d be happy to. Just email me. Cheers!
##


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
2
2
Review by datarhythm Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
## How to read my review:
Any line that begins with a # is my own comment.
Any line that begins with ## is a start of a large section of my comments and I'll end it with another ##
Any line that does not have a # is a direct Copy and Paste from your story
##

Cheating death was not an easy feat, even for the evilest of witches. It didn't matter that her warty old body would turn to dust, but the evil that consumed it demanded that she find another vessel for it to live in.
# Why doesn't it matter that her body would turn to dust?

She was young and spiteful when the evil entered her body, and she soon learned it liked to be called Master.
# I'd probably replace "soon" with "had quickly". This is referencing back when she was young (right?).

Master had been demanding that she start looking for a young recipient for him to possess.
# You'd just stated this a few sentences ago, sounds repetitive. I'd add something new here if you want to keep it (something like "not only does Master want a new body but a young one at that").

It didn't matter that she would die when He left her body because Master didn't care. Today was the day He demanded that she start looking.
# From a flow perspective, these two sentences read... ermm... choppy? Honestly, I think the front half of this paragraph could probably be restructured.

The thought of harmony made her stomach feel queasy, so she thought of disharmony and it made her feel better.
# Assuming disharmony is exactly that, and not a name of something, I'd recommend replacing "disharmony" with an example of disharmony.

A good flying broom was worth a lot in the world of witches, but Dustbottom was older then her and his brush bristles were breaking and falling out.
# "then" ==> "than"

A good flying broom was worth a lot in the world of witches, but Dustbottom was older then her and his brush bristles were breaking and falling out. 'What an embarrassment', she thought.
# I'd create a new paragraph just before her dialog. You do this throughout the story. Most authors start dialog with a new paragraph unless there said paragraph was related to the dialog. Crack open any book and you'll see what I mean. The structure to it makes the read easier on the eyes.

"Hag, shut up and get to looking for what we need." Master said.
# Unless this is how Master talks (hey, I won't judge if he does), I'd replace "get to looking" with something more direct as it's a round about way of talking.

"Hag, shut up and get to looking for what we need." Master said.
After hours of trudging through the forest she stopped and a smile spread across her wrinkled face exposing her one and only front tooth.
# Just a suggestion but I'd put a transition between the dialog and the next sentence. It's very abrupt. Maybe something like "Begrudgingly she obeyed. <new paragraph> After hours..."

The ache in her body seemed to disappear as Master forced her in the direction of this new, untouched evil.
# Seemed is a passive word, and if I was in the character's shoes I probably wouldn't have the wherewithal to think it "seemed" to. I'd be more direct. Completely remove "seemed to" and make it "disappeared". Also, is it just one ache, or should it be aches? Lastly, are you just trying to be poetic with the word "untouched"? At least to me, evil can't be described as untouched.

She reached the edge of the Black Forest, her forest, and hide behind a thicket of briars.
# "hide" ==> "hid"

The three sensitive hairs in the wart on her cheek, twitched warning her of danger close by.
# Move the comma over just past "twitched".

Kneeling and peeking through a small opening in the thicket, she saw a very pregnant lady with gossamer wings.
# Call me picky but I never liked the word "very". It's a writers cop-out... not that I don't do it myself.

"How can't this be?
# "can't" ==> "can"

These are good fairies.
# If there isn't such a thing as bad fairies (at least, that's what He is implying), I'd remove "good" and just leave it at fairies.

Hagadorn watch the fairy turn to welcome someone to her side and realized it was Queen Dorthia's husband, King Daniel, who stepped to her side. "How could the Queen of Fairies be evil?
# So the prego woman is the Queen, and Hagadorn only recognized her because of her husband? That doesn't seem likely. I'd either call the Queen out sooner or make her partially hidden, unveiling her identity with her husband.

This fairy always made me sick because she oozed with so much goodness
# I'd replace "This fairy" with "She"

"My beautiful wife, what are you doing so close to the Black Forest? You shouldn't be here in your condition. It's not good for our babies," King Daniel warned as he gently hugged Queen Dorthia.
# Call me crazy but "My beautiful wife" is an odd start to the conversation. Then again, maybe it's because I'm a guy and not a fairy king (pun intended). I'd start with "What are you doing so close..." and replace "Queen Dorthia" with "his wife".

"I mustn't give up on trying to push the evil, inch by inch, from the Black Forest.
# I would... "mustn't" ==> "can't" and remove "inch by inch".

I hope that someday it will come back to life. But today when I gain an inch the evil takes it back. That's unusual! Watch!"
# I don't know why but I'd prefer to see "one day" instead of "someday". Also, I'd replace the period with a comma. As for the whole setence... why is it unusual? You imply that the Black Forst has been around for a while (with the someday comment). Is it because of how immediate it is? If so, I'd state this. Lastly, I'd replace "That's" ==> "It's"

Black limbs turned green and leaves sprang onto the limbs while red roses bloomed, taking their place among the thorns, and sending a sweet aroma through the air.
# leaves don't spring "onto" the limbs, they spring from it. Also I'd replace "through" ==> "into"

Then the leaves and blooms died, turning to black ash and drifting to the ground. The limbs of the briar thicket became black and lifeless again.
# Now's a good time to be a little dramatic. I wouldn't start with "Then", it's to quick to the punch.

King Daniel gently led his wife away from the Black Forest and Hagadorn watched the couple until they disappeared from sight.
# "gently" ==> "carefully" (how does one gently lead someone? *Smile* I'm assuming he is doing the leading carefully due to rocks/roots? I can attest with first hand experience a pregnant wife doesn't need to be coddled to walk on pavement)

Hagadorn turned and headed back through the forest toward home.
# "through the forest toward home." ==> "into the forest, towards home."

Climbing, wearily to her feet with a moan she panted, "Yes, Master. I'm hurrying!"
# "Climbing, wearily" ==> "Climbing wearily" | "moan she panted," ==> "groan, she panted,"


## Plot/Chapter Thoughts:
Errors aside, I liked it. There's a lot you could go with the story. Royalty that's (soon to be) possessed by Evil (does this impact the kingdom on a greater scale?), and maybe even a nature vs. nurture type of debate here. You've got a dying Forest, that could play into a greater plot. And if Hag somehow survives once Evil leaves, you've got an external factor to your story, someone who has history with Evil. Then there's Evil itself. What perks come with having it in you? How much control does Evil have over you? Do you still have a choice? Can Evil live in only one host, and if so is Evil a standalone copy or is it's consciousness spanned across multiple hosts? Any way to get Evil out (by yourself or with help)? If Evil did somehow get pushed out, would you feel any different? Regret any of your choices? A lot of questions still remain, but enough has been hinted to get the reader hooked for at least one more chapter. Let me know if you make any of the modifications I suggested and revisit your story.
##

## How I rate (half stars are in between):
5 Starts - I'm at the edge of my seat yearning for the next paragraph/page/chapter. I've forgotten that I'm suppose to be reviewing. Nails all 5 things I look for: Authors writing style, great flow, no spelling/grammatical errors, characters are relatable and have great chemistry/dynamics, and the plot has me hooked like a crazy stalker. Bottom line: Take My Money!
4 Stars - It's good. Has the potential to be a 5 stars with only a few modifications (2-3).
3 Stars - Needs some work in more than 3 areas but you got me hooked with either the plot or the characters.
1-2 Stars - I wouldn't ever waste my time in writing the review, so you won't ever see them |o.O|
##


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
3
3
Review by datarhythm Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
I'm back *Smile*

And I ran out of time haha.

I think the errors come out in your work when you try to describe. I understand what you are trying to do, it just wasn't executed properly in my mind. You want the reader to feel for the character's confusion but because of your tendency to overdo it, it comes out as overkill.

Granted, I only made it a few paragraphs in.

WDC doesn't allow just a review, unfortunately, but with what I've seen so far it's worthy of a 3.

Legend:
Black is yours
Red is my comments
blue text needs to be removed

Shorthand words:
awk = awkward
rep = repetitive
np = new paragraph
ns = new sentence
rw = reword
rwr = reword rest of the sentence
swr = sentence needs rewording
rm = remove the word to the left
srm = remove the rest of the sentence to the left
rms = remove the rest of the sentence to the right
u'' = use 'word'
ol = overly long


Review below:

----------------------------------

He slept well. (np or rw, it's awk with next sentence) Waking fully rested, Kallin couldn't shake the horrible nightmare he had that night. (Didn't like the start of this sentence, see previous comment. And I'd mention the 'feeling' of a bad nightmare. Most people don't remember their nighmare right away, only that they know they had one. Also, 'that night' is awk) Not yet opening his eyes, he pushed himself (use 'up' here and forget the 'upright position')into an upright position and his body jerked to a stop. The pain he felt in his back caused (don't like 'caused' in this sentence, rwr) him to close his eyes tighter and fall (fell) back to the ground. The impact on(of) the hard ground(rep) hurt his already aching head. Just waking up(awk start), he was(n't able) unable to think too(rm) clearly, but(rwr or ns) was confused as to why he would have been sleeping on hard ground. Perhaps he fell out of his bed during the night?
Opening his eyes, he looked up (isn't he already looking up?) to a dark canopy of thick trees. Only faint light was able to break through the thick layers of branches (rwr) to slightly illuminate what Kallin saw. Turning his head (remove blue)only enough to see where he was, he realized he must not have awoken(this part and the next needs rw), but was in yet another dream. The scene of a forest around him was barely discernable in the poor light. ( 'Poor light' is rep. 'around' is awk there. swr)
Closing his eyes, he tried to sit up again. Kallin grit his teeth against the pain he felt (rms) in his body. He had little strength in his body and could feel that(rm) his muscles were heavily knotted (rms)and sore. Despite feeling very(rm) weak, he did feel refreshed (rms)from sleep. Sitting up, he again(rm) opened his eyes (again) in hopes that(rm) the scene around him (had changed. rms)would somehow be different.
He was in a forest. (np) He(rep) felt the solid ground beneath him and knew it was undeniable. His eyes adjusted a little to his(u'the') dark(ness) surroundings(rm), and he saw the outlines of the(rm) densely clustered trees and much of the surrounding brush. Birds chirped on occasion, but not frequently(awk. rwr) and the sound of trickling water could be heard nearby.
This situation caused(awk, srw) Kallin more confusion than what he had ever dealt with his entire life. After several minutes of thought(u'thinking'), he began(u'started') to finally(u'believe') think about the past few hours ('weren't just')not being a dream(rms.), but instead reality. (np) If it was real, then why? There was nothing that he knew of to warrant a strange looking wolf-like creature to attack him in his home and then to suddenly wake up in a dark forest after being sucked into a blue swirl of colors. (Don't like this sentence, content wise.)
It took Kallin a long time to muster the energy to stand up ('long time' feels rep. Everything so far has taken a long time and overly slow), and the pain he felt ('from standing' and rwr)by doing so screamed that he was wide-awake. There wasn't much more to think about under the circumstances that he hadn't thought of already and if he was dreaming, Kallin figured he'd make the best of it and play along for a bit. He preferred not to think of this as being real. (I didn't care for that.)
Light seemed(be more direct. Don't use 'seem' when you can. rwr and ol) to come stronger from one direction amidst the trees and as Kallin slowly approached it, the brush and trees appeared to have been cut away slightly to create a makeshift and sloppy path. The less dense branches would explain the extra light (Using that start implies a 'but' not an 'and' srw)and Kallin decided it was the most inviting path to take.
Although Kallin followed what seemed(srw, no 'seem'!) a pre-traveled path, it wasn't a well cut one. It was too dark for him to see how much overgrowth there was under his feet and thus(awk, rwr) be able to see how recently travelers may have taken this way. From the way his feet frequently became stuck in thick foliage, he guessed(similar to 'seem', I just don't like) it had been a very long time.

------------------------

Since I ran out of time, I'll try to finish it this weekend. A lot of the mistakes are passive related. You don't want the reader to 'guess' or think something 'seem's like blank. The reader wants to know. Make sense? Also, a few words stood out as being a round about way of putting your point across. The last thing I noticed was the tempo was too slow. Perhaps with the restructure of sentences, it will flow better and the tempo will be just right. But right now I feel like it's too slow/awkward. Then again, as an editor, I had to stop at every sentence haha.

I'm just one reader so take what you want and ignore the rest,

data
4
4
Review by datarhythm Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I've been reading your work and you can count me hooked. I'm sorry it's taken till now for me to send you a proper review.

I didn't catch any obvious errors, just a number of sentences that I'd reword--which I don't think they aren't grammatically incorrect, they're just your style. Here's an example of this:

Theminor himself lay upon the snow, too drained to feel the freezing wind whip at his face. He was exhausted; the fire of the harlor had departed to be replaced by the burning of pain, leaving his senses reeling in the aftermath of the battle. Blood continued to flow from the wounds upon his chest and arms, and his hands throbbed from the deep gouges left by those sharp fangs. He held his tender hands up to his face, small drops of blood trickling onto his cheeks.

First sentence, you say "Theminor" and then "himself". Seems very round about way, almost passive. Second sentence I think could be divided up and the "had departed to be" part makes me wonder if it could be reworded. "those" in the third sentence is the wrong word to use. And in the last sentence, blood wouldn't trickle onto his cheek from his hands, but it would trickle down his cheek

As you can see, when I look at a paragraph I personally would reword it... although that 3rd and 4th sentence probably could use a fixing. Sorry, I was honestly just reading for the enjoyment and didn't really get around to looking at it from a reviewers standpoint. Who knows, that random selection of a paragraph might have been a fluke haha.

As a whole, the other things that I didn't care for but are more style based issues:

*How the paragraphs are grouped... I personally would divide them up differently to better the flow of the story.

*I'm also a big fan of dialog, so long description-type authors I have to take in small doses.

Again, nothing that you could really fix without changing your style.


So excluding those things, the only problem I found--including part a and the prologue--is the battle scene of this chapter. While I can see it all going down clearly, I do not see how it is possible (mythical being aside). You mentioned earlier that it was a moonless night... meaning it would be pitch black. Stumble around, "oh crap" kind of black. So, my question is, how can he see his companions' actions? He can hear them, but how does he know that the beast bit into his fallen comrade's neck?

Easiest solution, of course, is to have the moon come out briefly--a cloudy night.

Then I started to wonder, did they have a fire going in part a? Because if they didn't, he wouldn't be able to see anything, especially what the beast looks like or his eyes (eyes don't typically give off light, they get reflected... but this is a mythical beast so...)

I know from my experience with camping, usually the fire burns out in the middle of the night... and carrying wood into a tundra--enough for a month or more long journey--would be impossible (that'd be a lot of wood).

So moonless night, probably not the best idea to make the current story work. Cloudy night, with flashes of clarity, would definitely add a great suspenseful element to your story.

I like how you have made up this world, and are detailed enough to make it believable... like the reader is getting immersed into it, not just being introduced to it. A great quality in a story.

I also like your main character... but I will have to say another improbability--or perhaps I should say hard to swallow--part of your story. You say he is 16 (at least that's what I gathered) but he seems very mature for his age. Perhaps in your world they are considered adults, then, but... I don't know. Aside from that, I like how he thinks and the story you have set up for him. It would have been nice to have one of his comrades survive the battle, and to be his companion, but that's not my place to say *Smile*

That all said, I don't give out 5 stars unless all the stars align (your style meets mine and everything is sound) and with the few issues I found--well that's why I gave you a 4.0


Hope that helps and I hope you keep these coming. I'll hopefully get around to reading your other chapters this week, but I've been preoccupied with my own project lately so I don't know how feasible that is.

data
4 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/datarhythm