I like the story idea--a lot. I would think about adding some more description (there is a massive dialogue/description inbalance). Also, read through this and take out two out of every three adjectives. If it doesn't 'look right' after you do that, grab a thesaurus and beef your nouns up. Write on!
I enjoyed this story, even though I'm not the target denographic. It was written very well, which was a relief. I wonder how much of a market there is for this genre--in young adult books. If you're looking to sell it you may want to shoot for just plain old scifi. Really, that wouldn't entail a major shift...just age the characters a bit. Write on!
Interesting story idea, if it were mine, I'd think about expanding it. Just keep in mind that using the character's names isn't necessary as often as you've done it. Once the reader is aware who is being written about, go ahead and use pronouns. Otherwise it detracts from the writing. (Everyone is guilty of it. It happens when we write some, walk away, then come back to what we've been working on.) Write on!
I liked this little poem. I don't think world peace is possible. Since the dawn of time there have been opposing tribes with opposing view points, which waged war over limited resources and idiotic religeous perspectives. The day world peace comes is the day the last human being passes away.
I agree with you 100%. I, however, don't expect any improvements in the average American's actions. People will only act when they absolutely have to, or if there is a obvious and immediate reward waiting for them. Politics in the US is one giant game, and if a person wants to make a positive change, they'll have to manipulate the stupid and lazy just like the 'bad guys'.
I liked it! The whole time I was like: "Then do something about it!" Needless to say, I'm glad you ended the way you did. I hope that you do what you can to make this world a better place. Otherwise, your just complaining--and with no credibility. Write on!
I like your concept. You should think about expanding it into a short book. There is a market for men that I think is largely ignored by most writers. Because this is in first person, I hesitate to suggest any changes. Perhaps it is the character that you have created who makes the (few) mistakes I found. Write on!
I love these kind of stories. After reading this, I'm interested as to where you'll go with your idea. If it were mine, I'd reconsider your paragraph lengths (shorter). Oh, and don't be afraid to add some variety to your sentences. Or at least, think about mixing them up.
Wow, what a volatile cocktail of emotions! Dark red and black appeared in my mind's eye when I read this poem. I'm a greedy person, and I wish it were longer. Have you ever tried to write a short story, novella, or novel? It might suit you. (I know I'd like to see what you could/would do.)
Any literate person can write. Any person with imagination can tell a story. So, if the standards are so low, what is it that makes some writers (much) better than others? Practice and dedication! Just like playing the piano, baking a cake, or having sex, you must not only exercise your craft but enjoy doing so as well. Read a lot. Write a lot. You're a writer already; someday you might be a great one.
Very interesting and unique! I wish I had the ability to capture color and emotion in a poem. I don't have the discipline though. (We story writers can ramble on and on.) I wouldn't improve upon this at all. Keep writing, the world needs more talented poets.
I hope Death waited until the cabbie stopped! :P I liked this little story. I know you were limited on words, but splitting the sentences up like that doesn't do anything for you. You should build on this, and see where the story takes you. It is a very cool concept.
Yikes! lol First of all I love the idea. If I were you I'd build on it. Make sure you proof read next time, just to catch those more obvious errors. Also, I'd be more specific with my nouns if I were you. Most importantly, remember to show the reader, don't tell the reader.
Wow, this was really good! Is there more? I liked the tone that you used. It felt authentic and somehow friendly. It put me at ease with the character, and while this is normally not my favorite genre, I found this individual story to be above average (at least for this site).
If only there were a market for the dead. Artists/writers wouldn't have to worry about people and their stupid opinions or desires. I think you should expand on this idea. Make this poem longer, or maybe a variation on the concept?
Great poem! Nature poems are my favorite. Have you considered doing haikus? They're much shorter than your poem, but they tend to involve nature. (A haiku has only three lines. The first and last line has seven syllables while the middle has five.) It is a great writing exercise if nothing else.
I liked it! I 'm going to suggest looking into some books on writing--but don't take it as an insult. You're style is just fine, there are just a few things that I tripped up on...weed out some adjectives, beef up some of those nouns, and maybe splice some of those larger paragraphs. Keep it up.
I want more! lol I think this should be a short story or novella--at least. Try working out an outline and see if you can come up with a story arc and characters. I think you could make something really great out of this. If you've never written anything longer than a poem, I wouldn't shoot for a complete novel right away.
Gritty! I found this entertaining. I really liked the dialogue. Have you ever written a screen play? You may be good at it. Maybe try and write a CSI episode. Buy a season on DVD, get aquainted with the characters, then try and write an episode. Who knows, if you get it to the right people, it may end up on the air.
Welcome to America! lol I enjoyed this piece. This, however, is how our society functions in this country. People are taught to believe that they can fill their internal voids with things, so that our economy and country can continue to function as it has for a long time now. Maybe it'll change someday--but I wouldn't count on it.
I liked it. If it were my story I'd add a little more dialogue in the beginning, break up those massive paragraphs, and pick out extraneous words (adjectives). That's just me though...It is a good story!
It feels like a screen play. Have you ever written one? You might want to look into it. If that's not your thing, I'd consider adding a little more description to the story.
Hey, I love your concept--very cool. Remember to show the reader what you are conveying. Telling them is easier and more automatic, but it doesn't have the same impact:
"Jake put his hand to his Mec showing it was important." <--Here you TELL the reader the Mec is important. Why is it important? Have you shown what makes it important? If so, then you don't need to tell the reader.
Another note on that sentence...If it were me, I'd rearrange it if you feel you need to ignore the above advice. "Showing it was important, Jake put his hand to his Mec."
davidvanhorne
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