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Review of Trick or Tweet  Open in new Window.
Review by Davina Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
First I have to tell you the irony that I am reviewing this on my iPhone as my laptop suffered an unfortunate demise and my new one won't be here until Wednesday I obviously have some understanding of technology addiction. I also apologize for any awkward auto corrects I might miss.

I just had to let you know how much I enjoyed this piece. Great opening hook I absolutely had to know why the main character was dying and it was in the back of my mind the entire read. The feeling of panic and dread was palpable and intense. I actually shared the fear the characters were feeling.

On top of all that: controlled by technology run by the government? Holy orson wells! Loved it!

If I had one suggestion for improvement, it would be regarding Carolyn. Some aspect to her just seemed to be lacking. I understand your intent behind her obsessive personality when it comes to technology, but she seems shallow. I want to like her more but had a hard time finding that sympathetic connection to her. You might be able to bring that out more through her role as a mother

Thank you so much for the entertaining read and the subtle reminder to tear myself away from the virtual world now and again!
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Review of Accursed Magic  Open in new Window.
Review by Davina Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Thank you again for being the first to review my new chapter! I appreciate your feedback. Here is a review for your work as promised:

I'm always intrigued when I see a vampire story because I want to know how the writer will make it unique to their personality. Its interesting that you chose to portray your vampires as "more human" in nature than a lot of other stories. What pleasantly surprised me was where the plot led and the surprise at the end.

Here are a few things I that stuck out for me. Keep in mind that these are only suggestions for you and only one person's opinion.

*NoteV*Your first paragraph states that Angie knew Nettie over 20 years, but later you state she was turned a little over 10 years ago. If this was a longer piece and you could elaborate on their relationship, and this might work with more exposisiton. With such a short story though, it reads as more of an inconsistancy and you might want to consider revising one of these.

*NoteV*"I pushed aside my annoyance with being left out of the loop (something I simply cannot stand!) and spoke in the most assuring voice possible." The interjection here detracted a little more than I think you intended and I had to go back and re-read this sentence. Maybe instead of the bit in parenthesis, try something briefer? "...left out of the loop, a major pet peeve, and spoke in the most..."

*NoteV*“Okay…so if this is a curse then all we have to do is find a book and un-curse him, right?” Nettie’s face lit up and she jumped off the couch.

“There is a book, one that has a passage in it to undo curses. I remember it was pretty big news back in the fourteenth century! Usually you need to know the specific curse used in order to undo it, but this book is special, and kinda covers all the bases. A few years ago some historian found the original and published it! We could probably find it at the university's library!"

I realize the focus of this story isn't as much about the predicament of how to undo the curse, but this solution seemed to come up just a little too quickly. Even an extra line or to leading Nettie to remember the book rather than Angie immediately suggesting it, just to give the dialogue a more natural course.

*NoteV*"Thanks to being a vampire, I couldn't remember the last time anything had intimidated me." By this point in the story you have made it more than clear that Angie is a vampire and its starting to be repetitive. This line could work changed up just a bit in the first half. "I was used to being the predator, not the prey, and couldn't remember..."

*NoteV*"...like being emerged into a pool of ice, overcame me..." Emerged is a little awkward here. Could you have possibly meant submerged?

*NoteV*“Well, I guess I better start practicing…” This ending struck me as rather light ending considering the events that had immediately preceeded in the room. I think her situation would feel incredibly hopeless and frightening and it would take a while longer to recover. Leaving the reader with that helpless feeling that Angie must be immersed in may leave more of an impression. This is of course just my perspective and could very well not be your intention with this story. I do realize too that this is for a contest, so I could be missing what needs to fit the rules.

I wish you the best of luck in your contest and hope you come away with a prize!

Dana
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Review by Davina Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Wow! Honestly...wow! Your voice is incredible. I love the way this is written almost poetically, some of the phrasing is just beautiful. Incredibly inspirational. If I might so humbly suggest just a couple things for you:

At my desk there happened to be a small, sad, insignificant
The rest of the language in this piece is so beautiful that small and sad just don't hold up to the rest of the work. They feel a little too generic. Normally I would try to find an alternative here, but really I don't think whatever I can suggest will feel sufficiant, so I will leave it up to you *Smile*

It was as if God reached down and painted me with something that felt a lot like clarity.
The second half of this sentence feels much more conversational than the rest of the prose making it feel a little out of place. Just my suggestion:
It was as if God reached down and painted me with what I can only fathom as clarity.

Believe me when I say I tred to comfort him, I think you meant "tried" not "tred"

I re-read this line several times just because I enjoyed it so much:
His eyes played me songs and he had burns on his chest, the kind only a hungry heart can leave behind.

I'm honestly too tired to try and overanalyze the metaphor you have working right now, so please don't think I'm simply not addressing it. My brain just can't wrap around it after such a long day and just wanted to express how much I enjoyed your work. As a writer, I can see the care that has been put into this, but as a reader its a beautiful painting to soak in. I look forward to seeing more of your work.

*Heart*
Dana
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Review of Angel Fingers  Open in new Window.
Review by Davina Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Milhaud - Tab B Author Icon! Thank you for the interest in my forum and sharing this piece with me. Here are my thoughts:



*Note1*First Impression*Note1*

I have to admit, when you prefaced this as an article I was pleasantly surprised that it read like a short story.



*Note2*Characters*Note2*

The depictions of the officers really breathe life into this piece, but there was some lack of detail to the main characters, or rather you and your wife? I'm curious if he/you stood out like a tourist, or if efforts had been made to blend in a bit. Did you have large packs that labeled you as tourists, or clothing that stood out to the locals. Just in general, I'm sure there was some contrast to the surroundings.
You also seem relatively calm after the incident. I would think being robbed in a foreign country would be rather unsettling regardless of how polite the officials helping were.



*Note3*Setting/Plot*Note3*

I think you could still benefit from more description of the police station itself. It seems rather mysterious with the maze of stairs and tunnels to reach it, but was it surprisingly average when they reached the actual precinct. How did it compare to a US police station?



*Idea*Suggestions*Idea*

I'll throw this out there, but I realize it may be somewhat biased since I have lived in the southwest my entire life and picked up on a lot of Spanish. I'm not so sure you need the translations. Many of the phrases are either relatively common, or can be inferred from the surrounding text. Maybe experiment and see if readers make their way through without stumbling.



*Heart*What I Loved*Heart*

The discussions about the presidents are amusing. Its strange to be reminded that the rest of the world has opinions about our politics as well and seem to be watching!



*Note5*Last Thoughts*Note5*

Sorry if I had made assumptions about this being non-fiction. But it's refreshing to know that there are officials out of the country that are trustworthy when a problem occurs and the world hasn't completely turned its back on Americans!



Davina

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Review by Davina Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thanks you so much for the opportunity to review your work. I really enjoyed your story and here is your review...


*Note1*First Impression*Note1*

This had me laughing a couple times. It's funny how children can take things so literally.



*Note2*Characters*Note2*

Verne: poor little Verne! So many names and languages! I'd be overwhelmed as an adult! I like the mention of the Sega, a typical seven year old's priorities, but you may want to think of a few other examples that make this world so different for him. How does he feel about sharing his space with so many people versus what he is used to at home. What is there for entertainment and what is he surprised to enjoy. I realize this isn't the focus of this particular piece, but it could add some interesting layers to the story.
Ama Cebu just cracks me up! She just tells it like it is!



*Note3*Setting/Plot*Note3*

Verne is quite concerned about the "or else", so it might be fun to know what Verne might be thinking that could entail. I realize this is actually non-fiction, so there may not have been any thoughts on the subject, but it could be fun to play with a child's imagination.
I'd like to know a little more about the setting. This is a place most people will not be familiar with, so paint it more for us. Is it lush and green? What kind of plants are there? What sort of furniture or decorations are in the house? Small details to really bring the story alive.




*Idea*Suggestions*Idea*

Other than names, is there anyway to distinguish the relatives his is familiar with...the aunts uncles and cousins that is. Any special memories with them. Aunt Josie certainly left her impression, so what does he remember of the others.

Two months more of this cannot be good for my sanity. I would be careful with the choice of word sanity. This is written from the perspective of a child, so it seems a little too mature of a word. Maybe "I could go crazy in two months."



*Heart*What I Loved*Heart*

“Very bad, your dad is a bad father, did not teach you to speak Chinese. Your mother is okay, she really does not know Chinese. But your dad is bad. Seriously, this line had me cracking up! Especially, your mother is okay!



*Note5*Last Thoughts*Note5*

Thanks again for sharing this with me. This was fun and informative. I had no idea so many languages could be crammed into such a small space!



Davina

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Review of Wednesday's Child  Open in new Window.
Review by Davina Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Note1*First Impression*Note1*

This story really tore at my heart. I felt Barb's desperation and anxiety. You captured that stigma around her situation in such a time.



*Note2*Characters*Note2*

Poor Barb. As frantic as her thoughts are, you really gave her life with the constant fear of being discovered and constantly thinking of ways to prolong her secret. And you mixed in the all too powerful emotion of teen love.



*Note3*Setting/Plot*Note3*

The premise is very clear and concise. My favorite part is the dialog and how well you use it to move the plot along.



*Note4*Technical Stuff*Note4*

"What other kind of Current Events is there?" No need to capitalize current events, and is should be are.



*Idea*Suggestions*Idea*

Since the culture of the times is so important, I think you may want to take a look at the scene with her mom again. The entire conversation seems too forward for the times. I think she would be much more uncomfortable with the topic and would probably use some sort of suggestive code words for "period". I don't have any clever answers for you at the moment, but I'm sure you could think of something. *Smile*



*Heart*What I Loved*Heart*

She gazed out the window at the fat, full moon. I don't know what it is about this line, but I just love the description of the moon. Something about it mirrors the pregnancy, the glowing of a full moon.



*Note5*Last Thoughts*Note5*

This is a nice piece. The ending is heartbreaking and to be honest, unexpected. Great work!



Davina

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Review by Davina Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Note1*First Impression*Note1*

That first moment of finding a special someone is always enjoyable. If I can be bold enough to make a few suggestions to turn up the spark factor! *Smile*



*Note2*Characters*Note2*

I get Marianne is the awkward, shy country girl, but I don't really see a reason for her insecurity. From your descriptions, she's attractive so I would think there would need to be something else that makes her feel so out of place. Is she just an introvert? Maybe a suggestion of a very large collection of books in her place to hint at how she typically spends her weekends.



*Note3*Setting/Plot*Note3*

Like I said, I love stories about that first moment, especially when it's unexpected. You may want to try to utilize the occasion a bit more to produce a bit more romance. Something about New Years Eve has a bit of magic to it, but this feels a bit like any other party.



*Note4*Technical Stuff*Note4*

The tense changes between the first three paragraphs really made it difficult to read at first. You start in the past tens, but the second is somewhat forced into present tense making for an awkward read. straining back muscles protesting her lugging the overstuffed bag up the stairs to her second-floor apartment, Maybe try: her strained back muscles protested as she lugged the overstuffed bag... Also, putting this in the midst of a thought is a bit long and the thought gets a bit lost. You may want to consider cutting out the "funny"



*Idea*Suggestions*Idea*

The bit about the dress struck me as somewhat unusual. If she was just out in the country with her parents, where did she shop to find a great trendy dress with a bold color like that? Maybe she went into the city with Mom one day to shop? I don't think it would hurt if you chose to eliminate that part all together. It is a nice way to point out her eyes, but maybe you could work that in when Sue meets her at the door.

I always feel like an island of misery in an ocean of happiness. This thought seems a bit melodramatic. If she were saying it in a joking tone on the phone, it would work, but as a serious thought I have a hard time buying it.

OK, I'll admit I don't make it to too many parties, but the mention of punch was strange to me. It reminded me of a high school prom. Not that Marianne has to be an alcoholic or anything, but maybe she could search for an alternative among the multiple bottles of champagne to set the atmosphere.

“Why don’t we sit down over there and get acquainted?” Something about this feels unnatural, or it makes Jim seem really uptight. Not that Marianne is the type to buy an opening line, but such a forward invitation could also be unsettling for such a person. Some humor could lighten it up and make Jim more realistic. "You look as happy as I feel. Want to come sulk in the corner with me and discuss how miserable we are?" Something sarcastic, or even charming.



*Heart*What I Loved*Heart*

The thought had barely registered in her mind when her senses were overwhelmed by his spicy masculine scent, the soft woolen texture of his jacket beneath her fingers and the recessed mini-lights that swirled like stars in a night sky above her. She felt as warm and cozy as if she were basking in the glow of an open flame on a cold snowy night. The tone of this is incredible romantic. Try working a bit more of this feel into Marianne's descriptions of her feelings as she is speaking to Jim.



*Note5*Last Thoughts*Note5*

I know I've thrown a lot out there. Please know they are just suggestions from an outside perspective. I really enjoy the thought of two quiet souls finding one another at an unlikely party. Take what you like and toss the rest!



Davina

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Review of City Streets  Open in new Window.
Review by Davina Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Note1*First Impression*Note1*

This story is such a humbling reminder that rock bottom can happen to anyone, but with a beautiful message that you can always change your stars.



*Note2*Characters*Note2*

There are such great details right in the beginning to paint Janet's picture: the button less coat, the socks on her hands and frozen ears. Some gritty details may have added even more, her cracked lips, matted hair...something to add to the upleasantness of her current circumstances. I am a bit confused about how she actually let herself get to this point. She was such a sharp composed woman, did she just give up because she was so broken hearted?

I still haven't quite figured out what it is you did, but somehow I didn't trust Mark right from the first time he appeared. Of course the present regrets of Janice that popped in did solidify my suspicions!



*Note3*Setting/Plot*Note3*

I really enjoyed how you progressed the story from past to present. It was very smooth transitions and I also like the inclusion of her thoughts done in italics so I didn't have to keep reading "janet thought"! *Smile*



*Idea*Suggestions*Idea*

...pleased to note that the other Group Managers were already gathered there.
Mark asked each of them in turn about their Group’s individual responsibilities
Janet, whose group had the responsibility for managing the Company’s off-site terminal facilities,
I'm not too sure about some of the capitalization. They aren't technically proper nouns, well group managers might be stretching as a title, but as far as I can tell there is no need for trying to make them proper.

I know I touched on this already, but the ending seemed abrupt. You had such a nice progression of their relationship, flashing back to the present at the right moments you could bypass some time. I'm not oppossed to the sudden change of events, but it just left me wanting some more, but not in a good way. Maybe just a bit more of how things went down could fill in the blanks of exactly how things got so bad for Janet. I can't imagine she would have ended up penniless. She just seemed too smart for that, so I feel like I'm missing a major piece of the puzzle.



*Heart*What I Loved*Heart*

There was something very real about the movement to the relationship. You paced it well and followed their character attributes of even using their heads rather than their hearts when it came to decisions about their relationship. Sadly it was when Janice really chose to follow her heart that things began to came apart.



*Note5*Last Thoughts*Note5*

I've really enjoyed your work here and look forward to what else I can find in your port!



Davina

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Review by Davina Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Note1*First Impression*Note1*

This took a totally different direction than I expected, and it was a nice surprise!



*Note2*Characters*Note2*

Cam is very interesting. I like the way you wove in her compassion and a sense of selflessness. It really hints at a sense of where things are going with her character.



*Note3*Setting/Plot*Note3*

It was interesting how you opened this and then completely flipped the direction of the story. I do wonder if you plan on using Daniel more later on. The distraction of initially divulging a lot about him and then switching it up to Cam's perspective was interesting, but if his appearance is brief, it may be a bit too much. I just realized I'm reviewing this like it may be a first chapter to a longer work, so my apologies if I'm a little off base here. It just seems like this has a lot more to say, so I don't think this is all there is to it.



*Note4*Technical Stuff*Note4*

It turn out that life wasn't as ordinary as it appeared. Should it say "It turned out"
the standard doctors chair and slid curtain for privacy Sliding?



*Idea*Suggestions*Idea*

A few times you speak directly to the reader and it was a bit awkward.
Almost anywhere you stood there was beeping of machines,All you had to do was look at the good doc's face.
This could just be a personal preference. I'm not sure if there is any actual "rule" about it, but since it isn't being narrated in first person, it seems a little strange.



*Heart*What I Loved*Heart*

and was named Brandi. With an "i" no less. This made me giggle. It was a nice sense of comic relief that was unexpected.



*Note5*Last Thoughts*Note5*

Again, sorry about my assumption that this is meant to be a longer piece. I think I did that with the last review as well. both stories certainly feel like they have more to say and would certainly be interesting from you you have created so far!



Davina

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Review of My Valentine  Open in new Window.
Review by Davina Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Note1*First Impression*Note1*

Nice twist! I was even feeling a bit sorry for her!



*Note2*Characters*Note2*

I thought it was interesting she didn't have a name. Any reason? I'm just curious.



*Note3*Setting/Plot*Note3*

Nice setup. I don't know if this is what you were going for, but I was getting the impression she was the other woman. Just with the last minute excuses with work. I only bring it up because it has an effect on why she wants to kill him. With the suspicion of another woman in his life, there is a sense of jealousy, and he has sort of a "gets what he deserves" attitude towards him. If it truly is work then maybe some small detail such as what he actually does would affirm that and then just she's definitely unstable. Is any of this making sense? *Smile* Perhaps the ambiguity was what you wanted.



*Idea*Suggestions*Idea*

My only suggestion would just be for one line.Even in death. I think you could cut this to make the last line even more powerful.



*Heart*What I Loved*Heart*

The red theme was great. It has so many great symbols and you played to them nicely and used it to your visual advantage.



*Note5*Last Thoughts*Note5*

You have a few more pieces I'd like to review, but my brain is a little fried right now! *Laugh* Long day, but I will get to more tomorrow!



Davina

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Review of Broken  Open in new Window.
Review by Davina Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Note1*First Impression*Note1*

"What happens to a dream deferred?" This story reminded me of that poem they made us read so many years ago in school.



*Note2*Characters*Note2*

I would have liked to have seen a little more emotion from Niema. She's discovering her lifelong dream all over again, but other than a little sense of hesitation, there doesn't seem to be much more feeling to her circumstances. I realize she has learned to push aside a lot of those feelings,and you handle that well when she puts away the violin, but maybe more of a jolt of angst or pain when her mother abruptly brings it up.



*Note3*Setting/Plot*Note3*

I liked the significance that it took a powerful moment to make her consider trying again. Just a thought, but maybe have her glance back at the store sign to re-emphasize "the sign" she realized.



*Idea*Suggestions*Idea*

She played from the memory the raise and fall of the notes with the movement of her bow. You just used bow at the end of the last sentence so it feels a bit repetitive. Suggestion:
She played from memory the rise and fall of the notes.

Can you fix mediocre talent, she thought. Putting the thought in italics makes the "she thought" seem a bit unnecessary.



*Heart*What I Loved*Heart*

Taking a deep breath, Niema inhaled the sweet smell of resin. It all came back to her... the music, the rhythm, the feeling. I really liked the use of senses to bring back her memories.



*Note5*Last Thoughts*Note5*

I think this has a universal theme many readers can relate to. We all have something we sacrificed for some reason or another, so its a nice ending to see someone braving those fears and trying again. Thanks for sharing this!



Davina

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Review of ***Reborn***  Open in new Window.
Review by Davina Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Kyndig! Thanks for visiting my forum. Hope I can be of some help!



*Note1*First Impression*Note1*

I liked the choice to slowly reveal what Ild really was, not giving away immediately that he was a Phoenix. It kept me interested to continue reading.



*Note2*Characters*Note2*

Ild-I'm curious as to the name choice. I'm not aware of a significance to it, but perhaps you know otherwise. The reason I bring it up is because, visually it seemed a bit difficult to handle. I found myself distracted at first trying to figure out the pronunciation. It could simply be the formatting of the site that made it tricky but at first I was uncertain if it was IID or LLD, but I'm settling on ILD...am I right? I realize it is a small point, but I figure it was worthy of noting since this is for a contest and I just think you should be aware of it.
When he is between, is he in a human form? I felt as if there were a few hints to this, but I'm not sure. I just couldn't visually wrap my brain around what he was during that time.



*Note3*Setting/Plot*Note3*

I thought the story in itself felt very unique. I don't know if the tears of the phoenix having healing powers is a regular theme, but it was something new to me and I enjoyed that. I also liked the "between", a chance to evaluate. Another part that was still a bit unclear for me was if he is aware of all of his past experiences when he is between,or limited to the most recent time. Just something else to look at.



*Note4*Technical Stuff*Note4*

You may want to consider changing the rating from E. I personally don't have issues with ratings, but some members are very sensitive about this and I think the violence depicted would certainly earn it a higher rating. I'm not certain of the criteria offhand, but you should look into it. Contest judges can get pretty snarky about that sometimes too, and I'd hate to see you be disqualified on a technicality. Basically I read once that if it's marked E a five year old should be able to read it. No offense, but I won't be reading this to my daughter anytime soon. *Laugh*



*Idea*Suggestions*Idea*

Worthiness was a matter of judgment, and Ild had never felt it was his place to judge one person more worthy than another. If one must judge worthiness, how does one separate the different levels of violence, anger, hate? Is he to judge these aspects as well? Where does worthiness in love end? The questions bothered him.
Forgive me if I'm being dense, but I have read your story several times, and I still don't quite understand all of philosophy. I'm not understanding why if his tears are so precious, he would have to even discern between levels of violence and such. Why would there not be a simple rational that those things are bad and love and kindness are good. I understand the complexity of the matter is the purpose to Ild's confusion, but it left me confused as well. Is there any way to clear things up a bit.

"Life is.”

“Of course life is!


With the statement preceding "Life is" I'm wondering if the sentiment would be clearer if it read "Life just is." As it reads now, it leaves me asking life is...what?

Again, forgive me if my brain is not keeping up with yours, but I'm having some trouble with what he is really grappling with. If he innately feels that his tears should go to one that is worthy, then why is he so torn about judgment? If he felt he had to be impartial, then why wouldn't he just cry over the first person he saw. Why is his judgment such a terrible thing? Wouldn't using judgment be encouraged? I'm sorry that I don't have the suggestions on how to clear this up in your writing, because I feel like I'm on the wrong track here.



*Heart*What I Loved*Heart*

The visual impact you described about the village and the horrors in it, truly made me cringe with their power. It's very well written and certainly graphic enough without being over done.



*Note5*Last Thoughts*Note5*

My sincerest apologies if I'm just not getting it and it's all right in front of me. Like I said before, I know this is for a contest, so I just wanted you to be aware of any issues I had with the piece because they could possibly be a judges concerns also. I hope this is helpful to you, and I'm happy to answer any questions if you have them.



Davina

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Review of Petals like Time  Open in new Window.
Review by Davina Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi ann Author Icon Thank you so much for your interest in my review forum.
Here is your review for "Petals like TimeOpen in new Window.



*Note1*First Impression*Note1*

Beautiful in its simplicity. Very impactful in such a short piece.



*Note4*Technical Stuff*Note4*

Normally I shy away from poetry because I'm never certain of the technical aspect, but I was excited to see a haiku! I know those! *Laugh* The stanzas fit the 5/7/5 requirement perfectly.



*Idea*Suggestions*Idea*

My only suggestion would be a for the opening stanza.
Tears fall like petals
Floating down, softly falling
Will we meet again?


Since this piece is so brief, each word has a huge weight to bear. I would suggest maybe an alternative to falling in the second line only to avoid a sense of repeating yourself.



*Heart*What I Loved*Heart*

Tears fall like petals I loved this image! Really beautiful. I also liked the sense of hope at the end.



*Note5*Last Thoughts*Note5*

Thank you for brightening my day with this beautiful piece. I really enjoyed it.



Davina

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Review of Another Dawn  Open in new Window.
Review by Davina Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Me again! Thanks for inviting me back to check out the finished piece!


*Note1*First Impression*Note1*

Creepy. I did have to read it twice to fully grasp what happened. I am somewhat hesitant to tell you this because that could have been me not expecting the twist. Hmmm. I'll investigate this as we go.



*Note2*Characters*Note2*

Not that children as murder victims isn't a horrifying thought, but I think you could make them even more sympathetic if you flesh them out a bit more. Peter's dimples, or the way Lily is deciding to decorate her new room; something personal to make them more real.
I really want to like Tom, but he falls a little short for me. It may have been your intent, but he seems almost like the third child. Maybe just a small alteration like he offers to help with the cleaning, but Jeannie is so OCD she refuses the offer. He just comes off a bit as a freeloader while she is killing herself. Or even if he goes out of his way to make her happy somehow...always has her glass of wine ready when she comes home or something like that. Ok, I'm dwelling on this way more than you should in the story. *Bigsmile*



*Note3*Setting/Plot*Note3*

So I mentioned earlier, I got a little lost and I think I know why. I get the deputy is nuts and unaware of his dark side, but if he is wanted for murder he wouldn't live anywhere near the town. So how could he possibly know someone had moved into the house, let alone known what restaurant the parents were at that night? I know you are throwing the reader off, but I think it may be just a bit too off.



*Note4*Technical Stuff*Note4*

I guess it was a morning she shouldn't have missed. You don't use first person anywhere else in the story, so this part sticks out and seems a little awkward. Careful about writing like you speak. (I do it all the time and have to check myself constantly!)
The police had received an anonomys tip... Spelling: anonymous



*Idea*Suggestions*Idea*

Blood is hard to see in the night's landscape. The sounds of screaming finally fade as dawn fast approaches. All that is left of the horrific night are whispers of the 2 lost souls that didn't escape the wrath of the stranger that came calling this evening. He picked his prey well. The children were home alone that fateful night. Tom and Jeannie were giving their 13 year old the "keys to the kingdom" on Saturday night. Dinner and a movie only lasted about 3 1/2 hours andwhat could happen in this little town they found this summer?
I think the ending is a powerful line,as a conclusion. It loses a bit of it's punch repeating it. I would cut all of the red and open with "what could happen..." It still gives that sinister undertone, but it doesn't give away your victims right away, and I think it will help mount the tension later.



*Heart*What I Loved*Heart*

Blood is hard to see in the night's landscape. The sounds of screaming finally fade as dawn fast approaches. All that is left of the horrific night are whispers of the 2 lost souls that didn't escape the wrath of the stranger that came calling this evening. I think this is fabulous!



*Note5*Last Thoughts*Note5*

Please know these are simply suggestions for you to have a different perspective. I don't read and review pieces I don't enjoy, so don't by any means be discouraged. I really did enjoy your story, a nd as I said before, your narrative voice is very enjoyable. By the way,if you have any questions about the site or getting around, please feel free to ask me. I'm not super techno savvy, but I know my way around pretty well. Once you get the hang of it, this site is really user friendly...that includes the other writers here!


Write on!
Davina

15
15
Review of Another Dawn  Open in new Window.
Review by Davina Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Shanni! Welcome to WDC!

I really enjoy your voice in your writing. It flows really well and has almost a conversational tone. I'm guessing this piece isn't complete yet? Just as I was really getting into it, you yanked it away from me!

My one suggestion to you is to maybe edit your first paragraph a bit. I like the idea of suggesting something sinister is going to happen by the end of the story, but don't let us know who it happens to yet.

I like the way you worked your way into their history and lulling the reader into almost a sense of security. You fleshed out Jeannie really well and her frustrations seem validated. You accomplished alot in a short amount of writing.

Let me know when it's finished.I'd love to see how it ends!

Dana
16
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Review of A 6"x6" Box  Open in new Window.
Review by Davina Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Shannon Author Icon

Wow. This piece in itself was heartbreaking, and then you crushed me at the end when I realized this is not fiction. You have represented Amber in an honest and endearing way, regardless of her flaws. I would imagine this is very much how you felt about her, loving her despite how she lived.

Perhaps this is meant to be kept short and sweet, but I have always found writing to be the home for overwhelming emotions. You mention that her death was devistating to you, but there almost seems to be a sense of detatchment. You have told us how this affected you, but hesitated at divulging much more. Although you could be like my mom and this is as emotional as you will let others see you.

My sincerest condolences to you and your family. I hope you have ample time to hug Trista and help her grow up loving herself.

I hope your heart heals soon,
Davina

17
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Review by Davina Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi EricaShusuke Author Icon!
Welcome to WDC!

Your title and description lured me in and I had to read this. I'm glad I did, too. I was once a slave of the retail chains and can empathize. I'm guessing this was written after a particularly challenging day? *Smile*

I'm not sure if you are strictly a poet or if you would consider a short story, but that's all I kept thinking about as I read this. The differrent examples of irritating customers could be interwoven with the drama among the employees. (I know there has got to be drama going on!) *Wink*

I question the use of foul language. Trust me, I swear like a truck driver and use it within my writing, so I'm not offended. You just may want to ask yourself if it is enhancing what you are writing or detracting from it. It's obviously anger you are expressing, but being a writer is there a more clever alternative you can use. It may also encourage the cdomic element of your piece and keep it from slipping into a bitter rant.

Thanks for sharing your work! Please know my suggestions are simply that: mere suggestions. Your work stands great on its own!

Davina

18
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Review of The Blue Ribbon  Open in new Window.
Review by Davina Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Note1*First Impression*Note1*

I thought this was a beautiful story about overcoming the greatest paralysis; fear.



*Note2*Characters*Note2*

Ali: His pain and emotional crippling is actually endearing and he is a very sympathetic character. The reader really cheers for him and wants him to succeed.
Zaheer: He is a wonderful foil to Ali, and his heart is genuine giving him a great sense of purpose. I especially like his determination and how you pit it against Ali's apathy.



*Note3*Setting/Plot*Note3*

I think it's wonderful how you took what could seem like such a small passing moment in one's adolescence and turned this into a life changing moment for two young men. I thought it was nice that the story did not change only Ali, but Zaheer by giving him a deeper appreciation for what he took for granted.



*Note4*Technical Stuff*Note4*

Looks wonderful. No comments.



*Idea*Suggestions*Idea*

The only suggestion I would have for you is to have Ali put up a bit more of a fight when Zaheer arrives at his house. I would think if he spent most of his life sulking and pushing people away, he would not be willing so quickly to change and participate. Maybe more of an incentive or a glimpse into his thinking at that point would smooth that over and suit his character a bit more.



*Heart*What I Loved*Heart*

Usually happy endings seem so goofy to me, but this actually had me tearing up. I'm glad they won and Ali felt a great victory. It really was moving, beautifully done.



*Note5*Last Thoughts*Note5*

Thank you so much for asking me to review this, (like a million years ago, very sorry for the delay). I thought this was a wonderful story, and if you don't mind, I would like to post it in my forum so others could enjoy it as well.



Davina

19
19
Review of Lost lovers cliff  Open in new Window.
Review by Davina Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
*Note1*First Impression*Note1*

I think you have the start of a romance story with a twist.



*Note2*Characters*Note2*

Kayla: I think she would seem a little more three dimensional if her grief was more profound. You tell us that she misses her husband and is heartbroken, but I don't really get much of a sense of that. Maybe she could be visiting a place she used to frequent with Ryan and it has a special meaning to her. You may also want to consider putting more time since his passing so falling in love with a new man doesn't seem quite so empty.
I would also suggest giving her more of a physical description. Something unique so at the end you could reference something more than, he saw someone who looked like Kayla.

Ryan:As a reader, I want to fall in love with Ryan, too. Rippling muscles doesn't quite quench the desire. I think it was a sweet touch that he brought her breakfast, but I'm just not feeling the attraction between the two. What is it that really sets off the sparks. I get Kayla's interest, but what is his?



*Note3*Setting/Plot*Note3*

Overall, I like the concept, but I think it's all a bit rushed which makes it rather unbelievable. Try slowing things down a bit. If these two are going to have a soul searching love affair that only lasts two days, then it should really count. Staying up all night having the most amazing conversation they have ever engaged in...or something to really bond them together.

The lodge is a great idea. It's quirky and really takes on it's own character, but I think you could bring it to life even more. What sort of vibe does it evoke from it's guests?

Another detail I had a hard time with is why did Kayla choose to stay at the B&B rather than borrow the phone to have her friend pick her up, or call a tow truck to get into her car for her? If she is really out of the way, you may want to point that out, otherwise I just don't see why she needed to stay the night.



*Note4*Technical Stuff*Note4*

"Well Mrs. Kayla your room is upstairs on the left second door."
Mrs should be miss or Ms.

"Don't move your hurt very badly,"
"Dont move. You're hurt very badly,"


*Heart*What I Loved*Heart*

I like the idea how there is somewhat of a cycle going on. I think it's clever, but it's especially best how it keeps revolving around this bed and breakfast.



*Note5*Last Thoughts*Note5*

Don't be afraid to invest in the characters more and really draw them out. Get the reader to really fall in love with their relationships so when you yank them away it's devastating. Let me know if you make future revisions. I'd be happy to take another look and see what you have come up with. Keep plugging away and it will come to life for you.



Davina

20
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Review of DARKNESS  Open in new Window.
Review by Davina Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Note1*First Impression*Note1*

Very emotional work about the loss of love.



*Note4*Technical Stuff*Note4*

I'm curious as to why you left out the punctuation. I think some of the thoughts you are trying to convey would have more of an impact with the addition of a few commas and periods.

Ex:As I sit here in the darkness of my sorrow, the absence of your


warm love chills me to the bone.

Without it being broken up, the intensity gets somewhat lost as it all runs together.


*Idea*Suggestions*Idea*

As the cold steel of an unknown object slices... I like the use of imagery, but perhaps you could find something more concrete than unknown object to intensify the piece. Since it is the absence of love that is causing the pain, maybe a personification of that..."the cold steel of your icy exterior...", I'm sure you could do better, but you get the idea!



*Heart*What I Loved*Heart*

I enjoyed how raw the emotion really is throughout this piece. The note you added about writing this in high school helps place your emotional maturity as well and give a bit of perspective on the piece. I think we were all there in high school at some point.



*Note5*Last Thoughts*Note5*

I like the structure of the poem, making it visually appealing. I think it would be interesting to see how your poetic viewpoint has changed since you wrote this. Thank you for sharing this!



Davina

21
21
Review by Davina Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Review for "Cancer Changes MindsOpen in new Window.



*Note1*First Impression*Note1*

This is such a mature perspective from such a young author. Bravo!



*Note2*Characters*Note2*

I enjoyed the way you let us into his thought process and rampage of emotions. I think it was wise that this was the third doctor, it makes his acceptance in the end more believable since it is not such a shock to receive the diagnosis.



*Note3*Setting/Plot*Note3*

Brief, but effective.




*Idea*Suggestions*Idea*

The ending feels a bit rushed. Maybe a bit more of his emotional state to justify his sudden need to to something out of character.



*Heart*What I Loved*Heart*

All of the other doctors he had seen had cleverly evaded this fragile statement, but now this doctor was shoving it in his face.



*Note5*Last Thoughts*Note5*

Good use of a difficult situation and relating the emotions to the reader. Nice work!



Davina

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22
22
Review of Moments in Time  Open in new Window.
Review by Davina Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Okay, last one!
Review for: "Moments in TimeOpen in new Window.

*Note1*First Impression*Note1*

Wait...let me get a tissue.



*Note2*Characters*Note2*

*Check4*Melissa: She really is a champion among mothers. Her son comes first no matter what, including how others view her. She works like a dog and ultimately, all that matters to her is her son's happiness.

*Check4*Carl: The descriptions of him eating are fantastic additions to his character. It doesn't matter how you describe his looks after that (green eyes and all *Smile*), he's simply unatractive from that moment he slobbers grits on himself.

*Check4*Norm: I'm glad to see the change in him after confronting Carl. It shows his strength and inner resolve, like his mother's.



*Note3*Setting/Plot*Note3*

Wonderful how you packed this entire families life story into such a small frame. I got everything I needed and never too much.



*Note4*Technical Stuff*Note4*

Great, as always.



*Idea*Suggestions*Idea*

I'm not sure about Melissa's reaction when Norm admits he saw his father. I realize she is shocked at the admission, but I was surprised she wasn't a little bit hopeful when he first says it, that Norm might have a relationship with his father after all. I only bring this up because she was soliciting Carl in the beginning to make an effort, but then seems to be against it when Norm initiates it.



*Heart*What I Loved*Heart*


I find myself telling Norm that his father is going to show up soon, and oh, how it breaks my heart when I have to watch my boy sitting on the doorstep year after year, waiting for his no-good father’s visit.
Rip my heart out, why don't you!


*Note5*Last Thoughts*Note5*

Wonderful job! I wish it didn't already have a ribbon, but it is most definitely deserved! I have certainly enjoyed myself. Thank you so much for inviting me into your port and your imagination.



Davina

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23
23
Review of Paranoia  Open in new Window.
Review by Davina Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hello again!
Here is your review for: "ParanoiaOpen in new Window.

*Note1*First Impression*Note1*

Gripping opening with a great twist on the end. Love how you molded a story around the power of suggestion.



*Note2*Characters*Note2*

*Check4*Debra: I think her conceit is great; feeds into her delusions and paranoia.

*Check4*Richard: Since he lacks any redeeming qualities, I almost found myself cheering Debra on to get rid of him in some twisted way. (I'm noticing a trend with the good looking men with green eyes. Something personal perhaps? *Wink*)

*Check4*Brenda: It's neat that I'm not even sure how I feel about her, shows that I was falling right into Debra's paranoia with her.


*Note3*Setting/Plot*Note3*

The opening setting is wonderful. I especially enjoyed when the room turns from tacky to terrifying for Debra. I also like the suggestion that Brenda and Richard are having an affair, but it's never actually a clear moment. All you feed us is the two in a restaurant.

One thing I did have trouble grasping was at what point did reality stop and the crystal ball start? When did she decide to return to Mr Abdullah? That could be your purpose though, to keep us guessing about what is real. *Smile*



*Note4*Technical Stuff*Note4*

No errors.



*Idea*Suggestions*Idea*

The part when you fill in the back story, there is one line that is a bit confusing. Then she had traveled to Europe for a year with her parents, only to return in her final year of high school to see Brenda with the new kid in town, Richard Shipman. Was Brenda dating him and Debra stole him, or did she literally see them together? A minor point in the stream of things, but I think if it's the first it would have a bit more story toward Brenda's possible motives...hence feeding Debra's fears.


*Heart*What I Loved*Heart*

The opening setting is done very well.
This line gave me a chuckle:
It was roughly the size of a soccer ball and all Debra could see were floating snowflakes - like the kind you see in any cheap snow globe at a department store. She wondered if the ‘Great Prince’ hadn’t gotten it on discount at Cheap Ends.



*Note5*Last Thoughts*Note5*

I'm not sure if you meant to leave the reader guessing a bit, but I felt it left more of a sense of confusion than satisfaction. Maybe a little tweaking would clear the fog a bit.



Davina

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24
24
Review by Davina Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hi Kiya!
Sorry about the delay between reviews, that annoying real life thing gets in the way of my WDC time. What I could accomplish if I didn't have a job...

Okay, this is about you, not me!
Here is your review for:"Girl from a Dusty MemoryOpen in new Window.

*Note1*First Impression*Note1*

I love college stories that are true to form and put me back in my college experience.



*Note2*Characters*Note2*

*Check4*Justin: Poor guy! I love how you make him the sensitive vulnerable type, but he is still a guy's guy...thinking about what's on the outside more than inside...but without being a pig. Nice little tightrope walk you did there.

*Check4*The friends: Hilarious! I have to say the NASCAR fan is my favorite!Typical college boys. Great job with the dialog between them.

*Check4*Stephanie: I think its great that she has held on to a little bit of that bitterness and now can throw it back. But it's never too much that she isn't likable.


*Note3*Setting/Plot*Note3*

I think the bet is a great idea, but one thing stuck out to me. Where did these guys come up with this kind of money? When I was in college you were lucky to have a twenty, and you usually guarded it with your life to buy beer on the weekends. (Which may explain my current job situation...*Smile*)



*Note4*Technical Stuff*Note4*

Great, as usual.



*Idea*Suggestions*Idea*

I'd like to know a little more about how Stephanie has adapted. Has she grown into her grace as well as her looks, or is she still awkward. She does come across as confident, so maybe that should answer it for me. I'm just not 100%.



*Heart*What I Loved*Heart*


What’s there to miss in watching a car go around and around in circles? I remember the day I asked him that and I got a look of pity and mild irritation.
This cracked me up! My father in law is a fan, I don't get it either.

I like the super model comparisons. Nice way to express male thinking.

Loved the metaphor for memories. Very tactile and interesting image.

I'm happy you added the tag at the end about Norman Mailer. I was wondering why a group of college boys were watching their mouths. I think it's great that you can find inspiration like that. Very creative.



*Note5*Last Thoughts*Note5*

This piece is a lot of fun. It's nice to read things that aren't always so heavy about life. Sometimes it's nice to just enjoy a piece that makes you smile. *Smile*



Davina

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25
25
Review by Davina Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Me again!
Here is your review for "My Family by Melissa JacksonOpen in new Window.

*Note1*First Impression*Note1*

Well, you certainly made me laugh out loud!



*Note2*Characters*Note2*

*Check4*Melissa: I love how this is set from her perspective and we know that she doesn't see the world as her father does. A sense of relief that she has her own individualism and actually fears turning into him.

*Check4*Dad: I think it's great that you managed to take a racist paranoid character, and make him someone we can laugh at rather than feel disgust for.

*Check4*Grandma and Grandpa: Hilarious! It's like watching a conversation with my dad who can't hear a thing! You nailed it.


*Note3*Setting/Plot*Note3*

You opened with such a powerful statement, and then the story turned comical very quickly. I love the feel of being in an average family...watching Jeopardy, gardening, plumbing issues. All well done with a sense of humor about it.



*Note4*Technical Stuff*Note4*

No problems I can see.



*Idea*Suggestions*Idea*


but Dad was still too scared of facing Mom’s wrath and decided to stay in the garage to tinkle with the car
I thought "tinkle" was a bit of an odd choice. I it reminded me of a small child needing to use the bathroom. I'm not sure if this was an effort to characterize Melissa's voice, but it seemed to be the only youthful sounding statement in the piece. She is quite mature for the rest, maybe "tinker" would be more appropriate?

*Heart*What I Loved*Heart*

I think it's great that everyone is just a little bit crazy, especially grandma knitting the pink sweater! You had me rolling, and I love when the dad suggests moving the family to escape "them". The communist paranoia is great, too.



*Note5*Last Thoughts*Note5*

Sorry I don't have a lot of constructive criticism on this piece, but I think it's great. You made me laugh while making a comment about how ludicrous racism is from a unique vantage point. Nice work!



Davina

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