I had a bit of trouble connecting the "When it rains, it pours" slogan with the concept of "salt", but this was otherwise a very well written essay on the history of salt and our society's various uses. I like the wide variety of topics covered here in relation, and also the tie in with writing skills. Very detailed food for thought!
Loved the purpose of the poem and the "lesson" within it. Like how you've created a story here that even has a "plot twist" within the poem's scheme. However, I think the flow was a bit off... some places a little forced, or a bit "stiff". To me, it reads more like a story than a poem.
Eloquently written piece and excellent use of your required words. Although I don't feel the connection I should to each of the items in relationship to his final task. While I realize that was the required prompt, it feels a bit forced into the story and thus doesn't feel like it "fits". I do like the direction you went with the prompt, though, using each of those items as an important mark in the story.
Cute little poem, but more importantly, you've pulled off the format almost flawlessly. I realize it's extremely difficult to write in a ridged format sometimes, but you've done an excellent job of detailing this little trail in the spring. I think you've done a great job of capturing that moment when spring is just beginning to emerge and it's not yet hot or showing signs of summer just yet.
Nice flowing poem that makes you think about memories of the past. Great reaction to an old photograph put into words. I'm not sure about the line "could it be the happy is only that moment"... I do see the purpose in this line and what you are getting at, but I wonder if "happy" should be in quotes or written as "the happy". Just feels like it may be missing either a word or an emphasis on that emotion or point in time.
Interesting section of a story (I do see this is a "Chapter 2" and not a whole story). You did a great job with the dialog, which I personally think is a tricky skill to master. There were a ton of glaring typos and grammar mistakes that took away from the story. Such as using "lye" instead of "lay" ("lye" is a soap ingredient!), and the second use of "She lye" should probably be "she laid" as it's the past tense of "lay".
Cute, but short. I think this is a nice start to a romance poem, yet it is lacking quite a bit of substance. The point is clear - the writer is in love - although it's not stated in very many ways. I believe it could be expanded on without losing the short and sweetness. Keep writing!
I believe you have some really excellent elements of a good story here, but there needs to be some formatting.
First, I feel that the short intro didn't prepare me much for the huge chunk of paragraph that came next. It lacked a bit of flow, and that big chunk could have probably been broken up to read easier.
Second, I noted a few places where the tense changes from past to present. Have to watch that you keep it all the same - either past or present, but not both in the same story.
Overall I think it just needs some organization and editing. The elements of storytelling are very much present, though.
Fabulous story! Love the set up of the main character, and the fact the murder was committed by the brother. Love to see a point of view from the side, as it often gets the "shock" of the event across better than from the murder's point of view.
I especially liked the intro and build up of the story, as you get a clear picture of what's going on without spoiling anything to come. I also liked that you didn't completely give away what had happened immediately, but instead hinted at it before the main character figured it out. Also, you've done a great job at making the reader feel sympathetic for the murderer - always a good angle. Really helps a good story by blurring the lines of good and bad.
I really don't have any suggestions at all for changing a thing. Intro is great, build up is great, climax is great, and even the ending leaves a "hang" for us to fill in the blanks of what happens next (because really, the "meat" of the story is that a murder took place out of the blue, end of story).
I think this is more fitting of a journal entry of sorts, less a story and more of a musing. For a story it's extremely choppy and poorly formatted, but it does have elements of a thoughtful piece of writing. I like the idea of "woman's best friend" as a different approach to a very old saying, but it does need a lot of format work to be a truly good story. Such as the first line:
"As I sit in my small spare bedroom, I have made into my office."
This line doesn't make a lot of sense. "As I sit" indicates you are about to tell us something else action related, but instead you just state you've made it into an office. This first line is where you'd want to say "As I sit, I look over at the dog" (obviously in more creative words than that, but I hope you see what I'm talking about when I say "action" after "as I sit")
Although a bit on the dry side, I think you've done a wonderful job tackling the question with a perfect balance of real life examples and references. Your intro and conclusion also match, giving a starting point for your piece and wrapping up the opinion. I feel that you picked this question from the list due to a strong answer that you could work easily with, which is always a good reason to write.
It almost feels that the piece could be longer, but I don't know as that would help or hinder the piece. Too long and you'd risk people falling asleep, yet there is a feeling like it needs more of something and I'm not sure what.
Having not read the first part, I did not feel as though I was lost reading this bit. The characters are well depicted, and their personalities shine through in this section of the tale. The only aspect I wasn't too keen on was the overuse of (!) in much of the conversation. I do realize the necessity to get across the "shock and awe" of William, but at times it feels a bit overboard. Such as this line:
"Oh, why not explain now!" exclaimed James.
If using "exclaimed", I'm not sure there is a need for the (!), but rather the correct punctuation of a question mark. You may need to add a bit more than just "exclaimed" to get across the urgency of his request.
Also this line:
"All right then, let's go on up," and James headed for the stairs.
Love the smooth flow of this poem and how it tells a story while keeping up with that flow. The format is extremely strict (in my opinion), yet none of the rhymes or flow feels forced in the least. Also love that the story it tells is unique with a fantasy appeal to it. Great job with this one, very much enjoyed it... keep writing!
Love the metaphor in the opening paragraph - really stresses the seriousness of the situation. It also hooks the reader, and keeps the story flowing with solid action scenes.
Fabulous description of the Phoenix, it really gripped me. To further get the description of it's history in this fiction piece and then see that the baby will be "connected"... wow. Awesome start to what seems to be a very intriguing story.
I found no grammar errors, but not to say there isn't any. I was more into the story than I was looking for errors, so take it for what it's worth. :)
Amazing start - love how you kept it simple and lacking details, but instead packed a pretty powerful punch with those first few lines. I like the way you even say what "type" of collapse it is.
The meaning of the story is unbelievably powerful, and you did a great job of capturing emotions. I did get a little confused as to what was happening and when, so my only suggestion is possibly rearranging a few paragraphs. Replaying the scene is where I possibly got a little confused.
Otherwise, this was an amazing piece over all. I see you have a second part to it, and I'm afraid I'll cry if I do!
Wow. First let me say the poem had a pretty powerful punch. I can see the blood sweat and tears put into it (which, mechanics aside, isn't that the point of poetry?). I like how you gave a mini history lesson as a side note, because it helps to understand the words on the spot. However, it does distract from the flow a bit and I have to read the entire stanza twice to get the "punch". Then again, if the reader has to research the meaning or just doesn't get the reference, it takes away the punch anyway. Honestly, I don't think it could be done properly any other way, so kudos to you for pulling it off. The double stars reference in the second stanza threw me a bit as well, but I am no poet so take that with a grain of salt.
Beautiful. The flow of the poem is flawless, and not once did I get "hung up" anywhere. I like the theme of it as well, a truth to what "hope" really is and how it's never really gone. I wouldn't change a single line on this poem, as I think you've said it all perfectly. GREAT job with the image of storms and finding hope.
Absolutely loved the way you weaved a lovely moment with your son into verse. Beautiful flow and beautiful wrap up to a perfect moment shared. Extremely touching and reminds us that time with kids are short, and sometimes it takes something extremely simple.. Honestly, I can't find a single error or anything I would change. Wonderful job!
Fantastic hook, loved the "review of tape" angle for use of the prompt. Dialog between the characters helps the reader to understand what's going on without a lot of description. And the ending... too funny! I like that it's a short piece that pokes fun at virus-related apocalypse scenarios.
Lovely story about an estranged father and daughter, even if it doesn't have a "happy ending". Sometimes it's about that face to face confrontation that makes us realize that certain people are just poison in our lives.
This contest may not care about grammar errors or typos, but.... half way through you have "heart the house" and I'm thinking you meant "heat".
Congrats on the win! I can see why... this is a very cute poem that speaks a sad truth in a comical way. For the most part, the poem had a very good flow and made the poem move along well. Personally, I felt like there was a bit of a "hard" rhythm in some of the lines, but nothing too distracting from the piece. Great job!
Very cute, very fun! Although there were a few times the "flow" felt a bit disrupted. I think it was because in some stanzas, you rhymed perfect but with others you did it a little different. Personally I don't care if it rhymes perfect or not, just as long as it flows. These two areas in particular I stumbled over:
((We’ll take it to the antique shop. Where it could sell for quite a lot
Then we’ll have money in the pot and it all thanks to you))
((There’s purses with still money in; that someone has thrown in the bin
So if you think money’s such a sin just throw it out me))
The second actually didn't quite make sense to me.
Right off the bat I see a glowing error - you forgot to close the quote in the first sentence. This put me off a bit from the start.
I loved the detail in the "nearing the woods" paragraph, but the very last sentence has a typo and needs some work:
"Upon reaching the creek, we used this as a guideline to follow; because. with seventy-three acres of covered woodland, we didn't want to get lost in its gloomy exterior. "
There is also another missing closing quote in the following sentence.
Cute name - "Herman the Hermit"! Although I don't think "The" needs to be capitalized.
Like the twist of a tracking device of sorts put inside.
This sentence is a little awkward, I had to read it twice:
"This make me furious for one thing and scared the next."
Overall, I think it was a nice story, but felt there is probably more that can be told. A part two, maybe? Will the mystery people come back and take Abby? Very interesting!
The truth about love - oh such a powerful and truthful poem! I absolutely love the take on how blinding love is and where it can lead us. You hit the nail on the head with this one, and it's beautifully written. Every line is just perfect. I especially loved the last several lines, how it winds down into a bitter and startling truth. WONDERFUL!
I'm assuming this is only half finished, since I'm not really seeing the purpose of the story just yet. You have done a good job of setting up the story, though, with a somewhat odd character (9:05 a perfect time?). I would like to a see a little more into her though, as in what she thought as she woke up for the promotion (it wasn't immediately known if she was looking forward to it or not, and it seems a bit contradicting. Why would she get ready so early if it was a boring event she didn't want to go to?).
I think you have a good start, but there needs to be a LOT more to the story, which I hope you finish.
Write on!
~Dawn
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