I've read something else of yours, and I'm still very impressed... without a doubt... you seem to have an innate talent for metaphors and analogies, and I respect that very much in a writer. Well done, man... well done.
Dann0
(footnote: I have never done E myself... wanted to, but never found a source I could trust...)
Dude! This is good stuff... I'm serious. I was very impressed by this story... Here are some of the phrasings that impressed me...
a)A discomfort to rival even that of the gluey peel-tug, which inevitably follows an all night refusal to just take off the damn rubber and go for a fucking piss.
b)Peering through the tinted glass of lingering night, with my head a mash from cheap gin and Beano print fumes (saturated mauve I think - rare, and notably antique et classique-au-romantique and suck-my-cock Andre you meat eagle) I first clocked the red blink on the telephone and then the rich euro-tan cotton-sheen of a rento toast-hole, his gradually reclining figure dolly-propped on the bedpost like a stiff brown sock . (and I thought I was one of the few who used "suck-my-cock" so casually...<grin>
Have you ever considered collaborating with someone on a humor story? (That someone would be me) If you would, take a look at this:
Good stuff, with the exception of one typo: "I've been awaiting you're return" (Umm, that would be *your*... "you're" is a contraction for "you are"... I'd try and remember that if I were you... (and obviously, I'm not<grin>)
Keep at it, Ace,,, I can see that you have definite potential...=- )
Au revoir,
Danny
(You know the drill... get on over and review some of my work if you will... )
(And that's a pretty cheesy pseudonym, if you ask me... sure, you haven't *yet*... but you eventually will...<grin>
I liked this piece, and I don't usually "do" police/crime drama. You handled the dialogue very well, it was evident that you used a spellchecker, which isn't always the case around here.
>the following is one of the most widely used FTP program:
I think you meant to say "programs".
And you might consider including this piece of software on the page:
Bazooka Adware and Spyware Scanner detects a multitude of spyware, adware, Trojan horses, keyloggers, and trackware components, sources of irritation that many antivirus products do not deal with. The scanning process only takes a fraction of a second and tells you how to uninstall the invasive spyware or puts you in contact with the spyware developer for the most up-to-date and safe uninstall instructions. Spyware and adware often is bundled with software such as Kazaa, Morpheus, Grokster, iMesh, Xolox, and Gnutella, and in many cases it's installed without your knowledge. Some send information about your surfing habits to ad companies, which target you with pop-up ads that fit your preferences. Bazooka Adware and Spyware Scanner search for Gator, GAIN, Bargain Buddy, CommonName, FlashTrack, IPInsight, nCase, NetRatings, NewDotNet, SaveNow, and WurldMedia.
When writing for the internet, which for the most part
doesn't utilize indentation, it's become a standard practice to
insert a line break between paragraphs. Don't take my word
for it. Take your story's first two or three paragraphs, and
insert a space after each one. I think you'll notice a marked
difference in readability. And it’s not just my view.
6. Write in long chunks of solid text. Please, please, please, don’t. Use paragraphs (short paragraphs!) and put blank lines between paragraphs. I can tolerate indentations to indicate paragraph breaks, after all, I read plenty of books with solid text, but online is different than the pages of a book. Blank lines between paragraphs vastly improve the ease of reading and help keep my eyes from feeling overwhelmed and strained. I have closed more short stories that go on and on for pages of unbroken text because I am just not up to dealing with such massive quantities of text.
When writing for the internet, which for the most part
doesn't utilize indentation, it's become a standard practice to
insert a line break between paragraphs. Don't take my word
for it. Take your story's first two or three paragraphs, and
insert a space after each one. I think you'll notice a marked
difference in readability. And it’s not just my view.
6. Write in long chunks of solid text. Please, please, please, don’t. Use paragraphs (short paragraphs!) and put blank lines between paragraphs. I can tolerate indentations to indicate paragraph breaks, after all, I read plenty of books with solid text, but online is different than the pages of a book. Blank lines between paragraphs vastly improve the ease of reading and help keep my eyes from feeling overwhelmed and strained. I have closed more short stories that go on and on for pages of unbroken text because I am just not up to dealing with such massive quantities of text.
A interesting premise, and a good execution of that
concept. That said, I have a few very minor suggestions that
I'd like to bring to your attention:
A tip:
When writing for the internet, which for the most part
doesn't utilize indentation, it's become a standard practice to
insert a line break between paragraphs. Don't take my word
for it. Take your story's first two or three paragraphs, and
insert a space after each one. I think you'll notice a marked
difference in readability. And it’s not just my view.
6. Write in long chunks of solid text. Please, please, please, don’t. Use paragraphs (short paragraphs!) and put blank lines between paragraphs. I can tolerate indentations to indicate paragraph breaks, after all, I read plenty of books with solid text, but online is different than the pages of a book. Blank lines between paragraphs vastly improve the ease of reading and help keep my eyes from feeling overwhelmed and strained. I have closed more short stories that go on and on for pages of unbroken text because I am just not up to dealing with such massive quantities of text.
Au revoir,
Danny
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
A interesting premise, and a good execution of that
concept. That said, I have very minor suggestion that
I'd like to bring to your attention:
A tip:
When writing for the internet, which for the most part
doesn't utilize indentation, it's become a standard practice to
insert a line break between paragraphs. Don't take my word
for it. Take your story's first two or three paragraphs, and
insert a space after each one. I think you'll notice a marked
difference in readability. And it’s not just my view.
6. Write in long chunks of solid text. Please, please, please, don’t. Use paragraphs (short paragraphs!) and put blank lines between paragraphs. I can tolerate indentations to indicate paragraph breaks, after all, I read plenty of books with solid text, but online is different than the pages of a book. Blank lines between paragraphs vastly improve the ease of reading and help keep my eyes from feeling overwhelmed and strained. I have closed more short stories that go on and on for pages of unbroken text because I am just not up to dealing with such massive quantities of text.
Au revoir,
Danny
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
A interesting premise, and a good execution of that
concept. That said, I have a few very minor suggestions that
I'd like to bring to your attention:
Here, in your story description:
A boy who a akater...
Did you mean to say?:
A boy who a skater...
A tip:
When writing for the internet, which for the most part
doesn't utilize indentation, it's become a standard practice to
insert a line break between paragraphs. Don't take my word
for it. Take your story's first two or three paragraphs, and
insert a space after each one. I think you'll notice a marked
difference in readability. And it’s not just my view.
6. Write in long chunks of solid text. Please, please, please, don’t. Use paragraphs (short paragraphs!) and put blank lines between paragraphs. I can tolerate indentations to indicate paragraph breaks, after all, I read plenty of books with solid text, but online is different than the pages of a book. Blank lines between paragraphs vastly improve the ease of reading and help keep my eyes from feeling overwhelmed and strained. I have closed more short stories that go on and on for pages of unbroken text because I am just not up to dealing with such massive quantities of text.
Au revoir,
Danny
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
A interesting premise, and a good execution of that
concept. That said, I have a few very minor suggestions that
I'd like to bring to your attention:
A tip:
When writing for the internet, which for the most part
doesn't utilize indentation, it's become a standard practice to
insert a line break between paragraphs. Don't take my word
for it. Take your story's first two or three paragraphs, and
insert a space after each one. I think you'll notice a marked
difference in readability. And it’s not just my view.
6. Write in long chunks of solid text. Please, please, please, don’t. Use paragraphs (short paragraphs!) and put blank lines between paragraphs. I can tolerate indentations to indicate paragraph breaks, after all, I read plenty of books with solid text, but online is different than the pages of a book. Blank lines between paragraphs vastly improve the ease of reading and help keep my eyes from feeling overwhelmed and strained. I have closed more short stories that go on and on for pages of unbroken text because I am just not up to dealing with such massive quantities of text.
Au revoir,
Danny
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
A interesting premise, and a good execution of that
concept. I liked this piece. I liked it a lot.
indent}The only other way I can think of to possibly improve this story is this
Insert the indent tag at the beginning of all of your paragraphs. I first came across it when reviewing another writer's work. Consequently, I've converted all of my files. And it's not all that difficult, because the indent tag doesn't require a closing tag; simply copy the tag from ML help (under the Author's drop-down menu), and simply paste it to the beginning of your paragraphs. And don't take my word for it. Insert it to your first 2 or 3 paragraphs; I'm quite sure that you'll notice the difference.
Other than the very minor cosmetic consideration, this was a good read. You write well.
Au revoir,
Danny
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
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