Hello! I found your story on the short story search page. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
Title: It caught my attention.
What I liked best: "for no one addressed the odd occurrence of a book floating past them down aisle ways."
What I didn't Like: I liked all of it.
Overall Impression: A fun story about a man who felt he wasn't seen by other people. I enjoyed reading this. I would bet that there are many people out there who feel the same way at times. Who hasn't experienced times where they were ignored in a store by people working there when help was needed? I got a good laugh on the part where he describes his experiments to proof that other people could not see him and when he was charged with shoplifting. Good work.
Grammar and Mechanics:
He was--to be sure--very sensitive to the nature of his condition, the fact which being if anyone discovered it he would most likely be wheeled off somewhere in a science laboratory. - Awkward
Hello! I found your story on the short story search page. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
Title: It caught my eye and gave me an idea what the story would be about.
What I liked: The surprise ending.
What I didn't Like: Typos that need to be cleared up.
Overall Impression: An interesting story about a girl starting a new life in the city. I enjoyed most of it. It will flow better when some of the typos are cleared up. I got a feel of the fear and anxiety of the main character as she began her new life in the city. I can relate to how hard it is to uproot and start somewhere new as I have done it too many times. I could feel the stress she had as she ran into multiple setbacks. I like that she didn't give up and worked too overcome the obstacles. The ending was a punch to the gut. After all she went through to start a new life it ends with getting killed in a bank robbery? Great twist to the end as I never say it coming and it really took me by surprise. Love it. Good job!
Plot: At the end did she die? I think it was implied that she was shot. Just wanted to be sure.
Dialog: Sounded just a little bit off but not bad.
“Ma’am, we are going to look for your luggage. If you want you can sit by the information booth, I’ll come let you know something.” - The last part is confusing. How about...when we find something or as soon as we know something i'll let you know.
The building was a large, beautiful historic three-story walk up. - Confusing.
She looked at the quiet street, lined with small well-maintained apartment buildings, walked to her door and tried to unlock the dooritwith the key the apartment manager had mailed to her.
It might help to mention how much money she was swindled out of on the apartment.
Hello! I found your story on the short story search page. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
Title: It caught my attention.
What I liked most: When all of the memories of a lifetime came rushing back.
What I didn't Like: I liked all of it.
Overall Impression:
A touching, emotional, beautifully written story of the last moments of a man's life. I could relate to the story as it took me back to when my Grandfather died. It was well written and flowed nicely. I was moved to tears. Well done.
Grammar and Mechanics: No issues that I could see.
Hello! I found your story on the short story search page. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
Title: Caught my eye.
What I liked: "It was a day like any other in Dispatch that morning, phones ringing, Nextels singing, problems popping up and beaten down like Hell’s crazy version of Whackamole; an eternally churning juggernaut of chaos being hammered into order, blow by vicious blow."
Great line.
What I didn't Like:
I liked all of it.
Overall Impression:
I enjoyed the way an ordinary day was written in a way that made it extraordinary. Good work.
Hello! I found your story on the short story search page. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
Title:It caught my eye.
What I liked: The magical powers.
What I didn't Like: Not enough action.
Overall Impression: A nice story about magical power and a journey through life. I liked the twist where what happened is the truth but like you said, I will never believe that it is the truth. One would have to experience it to believe it. This isn't the type of story I would normally read. It was OK but it didn't excite me.
Grammar and Mechanics: No problems that I could see.
Hello! I found your story on the short story search page. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
Title: Caught my interest.
What I liked: Eddie makes a bet, with money he doesn't have, with a dangerous stranger.
What I didn't Like: I liked all of it.
Overall Impression: A cool story about a loser that makes a foolish bet.
Plot:
The story caught my interest and kept me reading to find out what would happen next. I could feel the tension build as Eddie went to the bar to watch the game and then the relief that he felt when his team won. A loser becomes a winner. I love the twist at the end. Eddie's wife runs off with Vince and he never gets his money. A loser becomes a winner then a loser again.
Scene/Setting: I felt I was sitting in the bar watching a game with the guys. Good writing.
Characters: Eddie came across as a guy down on his luck but I was back and forth on whether or not he was a loser until the end and then there was no doubt.
Dialog: Sounded good to me.
Grammar and Mechanics: No problems that I could find.
Hello! I found your story on the short story search page. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
Title: Caught my eye.
What I liked: I liked all of it.
What I didn't Like: N/A
Overall Impression: It was just another work day in the life of the wizard Michael Reeve cleaning out a ghost in an old house. Loved the story. Great action in the battle. I got a good laugh when the only way to clean out the ghost was too destroy the entire house.
Style and Voice:
I liked how the story presented the work of a wizard as just another common profession like a doctor or lawyer.
Scene/Setting: I enjoyed the description of the haunted house. I could visualize the setting.
Characters: Good
Dialog: Good
Grammar and Mechanics: NO problems that I could see.
Hello! I found your story on the short story search page. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
Title: Caught my attention
What I liked: The part where the train was coming and Joe laid down just in time. The tension was great. I could feel fear for Joe. My stomach twisted in knots at the description of the train running over him. I thought you would have to be insane to do this.
What I didn't Like: I like all of it.
Overall Impression:
A story of the crazy things a kid would do to be part of a group.
Scene/Setting: Good job with setting the scene. I could see them out in the moonlight in the cold waiting for the train. I could feel the cold night.
Hello! I found your story on short story search page. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
Title: Caught my interest
What I liked: The whole thing.
What I didn't Like: I liked all of it.
Overall Impression:
A great story about a man addicted to his TV and his breaking free of the addiction. Loved it. I was laughing my head off. After everything he went through to break free and cancel his satellite service I thought, way to go you broke free and then the ending comes. He goes out to get the newest Playstation game; moved from one addiction to another.
Hello! I found your story on the short story search page. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
Title: It caught my eye.
Overall Impression: A great short story. The tension built as Kursten walked down the alley. You set me up thinking that she would be the victim and then the twist occurs where the victim is actually the evil one and the tables are turned on the would be criminal. Good job.
Suggestions:
until she saw a dumpster.
Kursten didn’t care all she knew was that she was leaving. - punctuation?
Hello! I found your story on short story search page. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
Title: Interesting, I wanted to know what it meant.
Overall Impression:
It was interesting and grabbed my attention. I wanted to know what was unusual about this little orphan girl. I could feel the loneliness of the little girl. The writing flowed nicely.
Dialog: Good.
Grammar and Mechanics: No problems that I could find.
Hello! I found your story on short story search page. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
Overall Impression:
I like the opening scene of the storm and the travelers on horseback. I could feel the discomfort of traveling in the storm. The beginning grabbed my attention and pulled me into the story. Toward the end of the story when the past was described it started to feel abbreviated and rushed. With some work it could flow better.
I am going to read chapter two to see where things go.
Grammar and Mechanics:
who were sat cradled on the saddle,
traveller - spelling
“Arrive at the city of Medenral in the east and speak to the Fighter’s Guild Master there, he has a desperate mission to accomplish and presents no free agents to hire off his own. - This sentence is confusing.
IsAre there any questions Adam?
They had arrived so far however, but now without a map; - This sentence is confusing.
I know they do some nice brandy. - Confusing sentence. How about brew or distill or have or sell some nice brandy?
Believing at the time that he had either beingbeen captured or had decided to leave the city, Adam remained confident that the young boy would be safe. - Awkward sentence.
It was only until after being granted with a new mission to arrest a known pirate named Trinstain, whom had recently come to port, did Adam find out what happened to the Savag. - I think whom should be who but I am not sure. Use a comma to set off the parenthetical element which is the part of a sentence that can be removed without changing the essential meaning of that sentence.
Boarding the captain’s boat, Adam, whom was nothing more than a lowly Guild Member at the time, was met with unbridled resistance and during his ambush, was knocked unconscious. - Awkward sentence.
“He’s only a child…” Adam thought as his bindings forced him to watch one of the sailors arrive, in need for a “stress-reliever”. - Awkward sentence.
for his entire occupation on this isle. - Awkward
Suggestions:
it was built upon a stone mason - I have not heard mason used this way before. What does it mean?
I know they do some nice brandy. But that’s not going to interest you.” - Why would he have no interest in the brandy?
Hello! I found your story on short story search page. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
Overall Impression: I think that this is a great start to a fantasy. The birth of a child linked to the birth of a phoenix drew me into the story so that I wanted to find out where this story would go. I hope to see more in the future.
Grammar and Mechanics:
“We are only two days off Plymouth - from Plymouth?
Suggestions:
, the fresh snow making it tough to get anywhere; it was like navigating through quick sand. - this comparison doesn't sound right.
Hello! I found your rant on the review page. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
Thank you for the feed back on what you are looking for from a review. It is easy to start getting too timid when doing reviews because of worrying about offending the writer.
Hello! I found your story on the short story search page. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
Overall Impression: A story of love and loss. I liked that the story was well written and for people that enjoy love stories they will like this. I am not big on love stories but I can appreciate this because it was well written.
Plot:
I liked the magical box that appeared in the story as a way for her deceased husband to communicate with her. It added a magical twist to the story.
Scene/Setting: Great descriptions brought the scene to life.
Dialog: Realistically done.
Grammar and Mechanics:
Julianne has found a ride along the rugged coast seems to help. - Something in this sentence doesn't sound right. Not sure what.
Laura, explained Lance was still on a ventilator - spelling
Hello! I found your story on the short story search page. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
Overall Impression:
An awesome fantasy about a knight, a sword, a camera, a convenience store and a lady. I loved this story. Great job! I had to keep reading to find out where this tale was going.
I really liked the description of the horse and rider.
when the building or the forest or the car you were in was burning around you, you were just one being alone in a mindless universe. - This is a sad outlook on life.
“Hey Martinez,” she said, “which way to Afghanistan?” - I loved the ending.
Suggestions:
When he saw her point them out, his face lit up to such an extent, as to fairly well astonish her and he moved quickly towards the display. - Awkward
Hello! I found your story on the short story search page. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
Overall Impression: I loved this story. An outstanding story of love, betrayal and revenge.
Plot:
Sarah was one of the women who went to the King. - This part felt like a stab to the gut. The betrayal to Evan was horrible.
The crow decided to delay its gratification no longer and very slowly and deliberately lowered its beak to just barely touch the surface of Tanon’s visible eye. It opened the beak very slightly and took the surface of the eyeball between the pointed tips and began to tug gently, pulling it so that it stretched up like a taught sheet being pulled up from a bed. - This part was revolting.
Scene/Setting: Great job. I felt like I was there in the battlefield.
Characters: Good development of Evan and Tanon. I could feel the pain the two friends were going through in this tragic tale.
Dialog: Excellent.
Grammar and Mechanics:
Not knowing that isit was they who were the tools of vengeance,
lay thea vastest stretch of the King’s grain fields,
bringing himself back into
king or no. - not?
If only they’d been enough. - that had?
it more drooled down over and
Suggestions:
It will flow nicely after some of the typos are fixed.
Drivis had not pushed but he did decide to take sides and back the council. It seemed to Evan to be a monumentally stupid career move, but the “irrational act” as it had become commonly known, had been made an amendment to the covenant binding the eighteen baronies together, so it could be said in all honesty that Drivis was doing the right thing. - I wasn't able to follow the logic here.
Hello! I found your story on the short story search page. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
Overall Impression:
A beautiful allegory of salvation,of how our creator wants to transform us into his image so that we can spend eternity with him if only we allow him.
Beautifully written.Excellent! Well done! I loved this story. Great imagination.
"I supposed that this was the end of Vee, and that my vision would now come to an end. But the scene blurred with my tears, and it seemed to me that my vision plunged beneath the rock of the gorge and out the other side, then turned upside-down so that the gorge was not a gorge, but a mountain. And it seemed a maiden drifted from the side of that mountain, one with long flowing brown hair and beautiful bronze skin. She drifted as if in flight to a lush valley below, to the edge of a sapphire stream, and she landed on the grassy bank.
A Man waited for her there, His eyes full of stars and his smile unlocking a thousand comforts. The maiden looked up at Him from her knees, and she raised her arms above her head.
She raised her arms in a perfect “V” of praise and adoration.
“Come,” said the Man, “it is time you learned how to be a Person.” And He reached down and gathered her up in a tender embrace." - I loved this part. It brought tears to my eyes. Well done.
Scene/Setting: Excellent
Characters: Ecellent
Dialog: Excellent
Grammar and Mechanics:
“If you will not go of your own free will, then I have no choice but to command you to be taken to the Great Gorge and cast into its pulverizing depths!” - extra spacing
Hello! I found your story on the short story search page. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
Overall Impression: Your story on reasons to smile brought a smile to my face. I agree with all of your reasons to smile and it got me thinking about why I don't smile more often. There are certainly many good reasons to smile. I like the way you formatted and laid out the writing. The use of color and smiley faces made me feel happy reading it. Good job.
Hello! I found your story on the short story search page. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
Overall Impression:An enjoyable story of life's ups and downs and surviving cancer.
Plot:
I liked the way the writing flowed through the ups and downs of life and the struggles that people go through. I have seen the fight against cancer in my family so I can relate to Mark's fight for life.
On June 10, 2007, they buried their son. Gary was only twenty.- This part is very sad. I couldn't imagine having to bury one of my sons. The grief would be unbearable.
Scene/Setting: I enjoyed the description of Autumn and the changing of seasons.
Characters: I felt like I could relate to Mark and Olivia.
Dialog: The dialogue sounded natural.
Grammar and Mechanics:
The girl died without knowing only three were were US Army "infidels," the rest were women and children simply buying produce. - extra word
She had Fibramyalgia, an autoimmune disease that causes muscle pain so Olivia even used her elbows to creatively help work out spasms. - Awkward sentence
He put him in their SUV with his leg wrapped and braced with makshift things from their garage to keep it straight. - spelling
She even yelled at David Sloan, the oncologist, as he explained the plan without Mark in his cheery professionally decorated office. - Confusing.
John, their oldest, gave them open dated tickets for a flight round trip and Hawaiian vacation resort with spa treatments and the best restaurants. - round trip flight?
opoids - spelling
atruims - spelling
fellt - spelling
Suggestions:
Just clean up the minor typos and it will flow nicely.
Hello! I found your story on the short story search page. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
Overall Impression:
This is a beautiful story and I loved it. It showed true love and a husband dedicated to his wife. It was great the way Joe could always see his wife's beauty. It was a very emotional story that brought tears to my eyes at times. I love a happy ending and this one was great.
The service was crowded with friends and family from all over the country; the flowers were six rows deep and took three vans to move to the graveside. Vi cried and felt all alone, Kay and George tried to console her, but not even her grandchildren or her great-grandson were enough to fill the void in her heart. - This part brought tears to my eyes.
Grammar and Mechanics:
No problems that I could find.
Hello! I found your story on the short story search page. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
Overall Impression:
I really enjoyed the way writing allowed me to hear the dialect of the character. I have heard people talk that way I just don't remember where it was. The story flowed smoothly. It was interesting the way the harmless pranks ended up with people being killed. The ending left me wondering if there really was a Uriah Johnson physically there? Was is someone pretending to be him or was it a ghost or was it all made up in the mind of Junior? Did Junior have a split personality? Great job!
Grammar and Mechanics:
Suggestions: None
Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!
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