Very interesting story. It is really great how it starts with a cute, almost slice of life narrative. Both girls come across as real and down to earth. It wouldn't hurt to go into some more detailed description on them physically at least, I wasn't sure if the narrator was a boy or girl until several paragraphs in, but since this is a short story I wouldn't worry to much about over doing character development.
The description of the woods flows well, it sounds quiet and beautiful which is a nice contrast with what comes after. My major critique of the narrative portion would be, after the horror element takes off. There is a creepy vibe but, I think you could do more to describe the girls internal emotional state, which should really be overwhelmed in terror given the circumstances. After waking up to find she is being operated on by aliens with no face. She runs out relatively easily and stops to talk with her friend. I think it would really drive home the horror aspect if you have both of them break down, tears, sobbing, screaming, they did just witness something no human has ever dealt with. It could carry over all the way home for them I would imagine the family would move though getting the parents to believe the story could be an ordeal in and of itself. After the the X-ray its awfully easy to remove the alien device despite the aliens manipulating her to talk nothing bad actually happens to her for taking it out. and then they know instantly that the device was a tracking device.
Don't take this as an attack, its just the pacing is to fast. This is really still part of the climax of your story. I think it would really round out the narrative if you go back in and really put another several paragraphs worth of description into the last third of the story.
Aside from that, I really enjoyed it. It was fun, cute and spooky all once. The two girls were believable and the dialog was natural and not forced. All in all great job.
Edits:
1."Upon reaching the creek, we used this as a guideline to follow; because. with seventy-three acres of covered woodland, we didn't want to get lost in its gloomy exterior."
There are some structure issues here run on sentence and a period in the wrong place. Also it is a bit jumbled consider rewording, perhaps, "We decided to use the creek as a guide to follow, staying close upon reaching it. With seventy-three acres of covered woodland, we didn't want to get lost in the gloomy exterior."
2.And... I heard my dad talking about him pointing a shotgun at our neighbor, Allen Green, who everyone around here think they were into some shady dealings together.
This sentence is again a bit jumbled. perhaps. "....Allen Green, who everyone around here believed was mixed up in some shady dealings"
3.Placing the picnic basket in the middle, we both sad down to eat.
simple typo change sad to sat
4.The cabin was about a mile away and looking up, I loved watching the sunlight flickering through the treetops.
there are two sentences here expressing different thoughts there is no reason to try to merge them. a way to separate them could be, "The cabin was about a mile away. I spent most the walk there looking up, I always loved watching the sunlight flickering through the treetops.
That's all I have, I hope it helped. Keep up the good writing! |
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