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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/deanaz
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5 Public Reviews Given
8 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Love Letters  Open in new Window.
Review by LGPutzer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi,

This is okay but there were a few grammatical errors:

The place where he was creator and anything that would distract him was not welcome there. Including her.

I think it would flow better if it said ...distract him was not welcomed here--including her.


She remembered her coming closer, remembered how she opened the box, saw the sheets of paper, remembered how she took them and started reading.

Try this: She remembered coming closer, how she opened the box, saw the sheets of paper and how she took them into her hands and began reading.


There are more things like this throughout, but you get the idea.

I hope this helps.
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2
Review of The fight  Open in new Window.
Review by LGPutzer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Your story sounds similar to the book Edge of Danger by Cherry Adair. The only difference is that your story is set in the first person from the female's point of view, not the lead character, who in this case would be the guy she's fighting.

In a way I felt, while reading this, that I had come into your story as though I had randomly opened the book to a page somewhere in the middle. Why was he the enemy, and who was the protagonist? I didn't get a chance to decide if I liked her. I also wasn't certain how her daughter came into play or how she could have been in danger.

The story kept my interest, but at times I felt as though I was needing to jump a little ahead or go back to make certain that I didn't miss reading something.

I think it would be good if, during each step of the battle, you threw in who this woman was, for example:"A quick blow to the head from the butt end of his scythe brought me back to reality";who was I? I was (name, name of society e.g. I was Special Auror, Jane Doe)and if I wasn't able to remember that, I knew that I at least "had to remember that he was the enemy, even though we just slept together moments before."

This is only my opinion, but I thought I would share. I'm trying not to just critique without offering my ideas on how to improve something.

I hope all of this helps.
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