This is a review from Itchy Water. The advice provided are only the opinions of one person. This review is intended to be a positive critique of your work. You may respectfully accept or reject any or all of the advice provided. Remember you are the author of this work, and only you know what is best suited for your work.
FIRST IMPRESSIONS: This is a free verse poem with layers of different meanings.
WHAT I LIKED MOST:
I really liked the poem as a whole. I found the various meanings intriguing.
"Through your saintly or ungodly days…"
The whole poem seemed to be centered around morals. There is always someone to guide you towards righteousness, and there is always someone to guide you towards ungodliness. "Failure, frustration, and losing" can be a good thing when you are being guided into "ungodly days"
SUGGESTIONS:
GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
"Failure, frustration, and losing –
The deathly and volatile signs assured of those
Most consumed by their ambivalence, prejudice, and pride –
Depend rather heavily on the poor judgment of their victims…"
I suggest changing "Depend" to 'Depends'.
I noticed you used en dashes on the 1st and 3rd verses. In poetry, for long pauses, you should use an em dash, not the en dash. Sounds confusing I know. Some computer programs will automatically create the em dash when you make two en dashes together, however most programs wont. So to create an em dash hold down the ALT key and type 0151.
In this first stanza the third person is used when the word "those" and "their" is used. However, you change to first person later in the poem, using the word "you". I suggest sticking with the first person throughout the poem.
"Failure, frustration, and losing —
The deathly and volatile signs that are
Most consumed by your ambivalence, prejudice, and pride —
Depends rather heavily on the poor judgment of your victims . . .
"Never learn too quickly or play too loosely;
Apply grace, wisdom, and flexible strategies
To gain one’s proper acceptance and acknowledgment"
Something needs to be added to the words "learn" "play" "Apply". It's up to you as the writer, but it can be an 's' or 'ing' or 'ed'.
Never learning too quickly or playing too loosely;
Applying grace, wisdom, and flexible strategies
Or
Never learns too quickly or plays too loosely;
Applies grace wisdom, and flexible strategies
"This will earn you the respect of those"
The tense changes here by using the words "will earn".
This earns you the respect of those
"This will earn you the respect of those
Wise and candid business folks
Whose sporty brokering and enticing mettle
You shall depend on most to guide you
Through your saintly or ungodly days…"
I suggest a comma after " folks".
These first two verses are confusing. "You shall depend on most" is not clear in this context.
This will earn you the respect of those
Wise and candid business folks,
Whose sporty brokering and enticing mettle
You shall be dependent upon for their guidance
Through your saintly or ungodly days. . .
STORY:
Throughout the poem the POV and tense changes.
OVERALL:
Overall, I think this is a fascinating poem. It reminds me of my days working in office environment. It also it reminds me of the everyday struggle to do right.
This poem has true depth. The meaning may not be easily seen on the surface, but if you dig into this poem and cause yourself to think about the office, bowling and life, then this poem will serve as a true treasure.
Thank you for sharing this poem. Write on!
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