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1
1
Review by debbie Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hi Chefcoby: I saw your story, Magic Realized, on the Power Reviewer’s Board and decided to give it a look-see. I hope you find my review of some use. Please use any suggestions that make sense and disregard the rest.

What I liked
Your writing style is polished and easy to read. You do a nice job with dialogue and you’ve created some interesting characters. I find the concept of mirrors interesting too and would like to know more about them. I think you did a wonderful job showing Justin’s affection for his charges. Through dialogue and action, we see how fond he is of Kyra and Tera. Well done.

Suggestions
First of all, I think you should break this up into a couple of chapters and expand it greatly. You have an awful lot going on and three different POVs for just one chapter. It felt a little rushed. What if you made the first chapter the conversation Justin has with the girls in the morning. The second chapter could be the girls getting ready for their trip (if you used one of their POVs you could add some background and a bit of their reaction to Justin’s startling news about people trying to kill them). Third chapter is the caves. Fourth chapter back home again.

On a few occasions you were a little bit telly – and you didn’t really need to be. In most cases you’d already conveyed what you needed to through dialogue and action. For instance in this part:
They carried themselves like respectable women with great power. I revered them for this action for they never seemed to allow anyone to push them around. You’ve already shown Justin’s great fondness for the girls so you don’t really need the part about revering and them carrying themselves like respectable women isn’t really important to the story line right now anyways. I’d cut it.

In the beginning, when he goes outside to sunbathe, I’d either add some introspective or cut it (or do what I suggested above and switch to Kyra or Tera's POV). The time he spends waiting for the girls would be a perfect time to add a little bit of background about mirrors etc. If you don’t want to do that, then cut it and just say something like:

I could see that they understood my command, but did not understand where it was coming from, I wasn’t in the mood to explain. A half hour later we were ready to go. Or something like that.

The reason I suggest making a change there is because the sunbathing scene isn’t really driving the narrative forward or giving us any useful information in terms of characterization or background. There isn’t much of a reason for it to be there.

I’d also cut the part saying their skin tone is the same in the winter because right now it seems like it’s summer. You have some nice descriptions of the girls so I think you can afford to cut that.

Finally in this part here:

Kyra looked at me and waited for my nod to continue into the cave, I did. We walked through the entrance and instantly our view was diminished to three feet. Focusing on heat, I made a ball of light appear in front of us allowing us to finally see what was ahead.

Break


I’m having a little trouble following what just happened. One moment Justin is lighting the way and the next moment there are too many of them. I think you might need to slow it down a little bit so folks can get an idea what is happening here.

My last suggestion is that you either expand Kyra’s and Tera’s Point of Views or cut them. Right now it seems to be Justin’s story with Kyra’s and Tera’s POV thrown in when Justin can’t narrate. My vote is for expanding them but if you don't want to do that I'd find a work-around and cut them completely. (Maybe Justin can hear the girls talking through the wall of magic and maybe Kyra can tell Justin what happened after he wakes up from being healed (in the end).

Grammar and Mechanics
It looked pretty clean but you did slip into present tense a few times. Like here:

The reply came from my mind. But they didn’t have a choice, this was to dangerous now and I can’t risk them. should be couldn’t

Conclusions
This story is definitely worth an expansion. You’ve got some good characterization and dialogue and an interesting premise. Justin is particularly well done. If you expanded this piece you could be equally generous with the girls’ characters and with the action. Keep writing!

Debbie



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2
2
Review by debbie Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Mrs. Popularity. I am reviewing your story, Galaxy Guardians, Chapters 1 and 2 as a part of the WDC Power Reviewers Halloween Review Raid. I hope you find my review of some use. Please take what you like and disregard the rest.

What I liked

This story has a lot of things going for it. I think your characters are charming, fun and interesting. Good dialogue and good action. Loved the dream intrusion. Nice job showing instead of telling throughout.


Favorite Lines


“Bye”

“Bye lover boy!” I made kissing sounds all the way up the drive way. Great job showing characterization through dialogue.

I raced out the class room so fast; I was like a red-headed rocket Wonderful description.

Suggestions

A couple of suggestions:

This story has a lot going for it, but I think you need to introduce a little conflict in the early chapters to keep folks reading. Whatever conflict you are planning for the story, maybe you could introduce it during the first two chapters or at least introduce some foreshadowing. Either that, or introduce a different conflict in these two chapters. Maybe Serrony can fight with her mom or with Kyle.

I stopped at my front door and looked around to examine my surroundings, even though it's the year 3,000, earth has not changed much since the 2000s. Sure we have flying cars, but come on; who doesn't? I’d change this. You want the readers to be dropped seamlessly into the year 3000…not reminded by the narrator that she’s writing in 2011 about the future. Maybe mention that fifty years ago alien was discovered and what year that was and get all the other pertinent stuff in – just don’t compare it to present day.

You do a great job showing rather than telling, but you can tell a few things. Especially those events that don’t really drive the story – like breakfast and leaving for the shuttle. You could do something like this:

I ate breakfast quickly and kissed my mom goodbye. I didn’t want to be late for the transport shuttle…etc. etc. Or something like that.

Finally, you might consider introducing some of your characters in the next chapter so readers will have an easier time remembering all of them.



Grammar and Mechanics



There were a few occasions when you slipped from into present tense – like when you described your teacher.

“All abroad the Galaxy High School shuttle!” Should this be all aboard or all abroad?

I recalled I had so many detentions in there Drop I recalled.

Conclusions
You’ve got a nice beginning going and you’ve done a wonderful job creating fun interesting characters. I think this is going to be a great story. Keep writing.

Debbie



3
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Review by debbie Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi SpookyB: I am reviewing your short story, The Lighthouse Keeper, as a part of the Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society’s Halloween Review Raid.
I hope you find my review of some use. Please take what you like and disregard the rest.

What I liked

Your writing style is smooth and polished and easy to read. I had no trouble following what was going on. You also did a nice job with descriptions – especially your descriptions of Damian.


Favorite Line

Twilight darkened the clouds over the ocean, casting deep orange and red shadows over the horizon. Nice description of evening falling on the ocean.

Suggestions

I have a few suggestions for this piece. The first suggestion is that you slow things down a bit and devote a little bit more time to Audrina’s reactions to what is going on. I thought you did a nice job showing her attraction to Damian but we need more of that – a lot more. And we need her to feel conflicted and confused about that. As written there isn’t enough conflict. Audrina feeling confused and unsure about why she has feelings for an absolute stranger would add some conflict.

My second suggestion concerns the diary. Is there any way Audrina could remember specific passages from the diary. Like right here:

She hadn't explored her aunt's manor to the extent she would have liked and only partially read her aunt's diary – specifically the last couple of pages which expressed concern for Mr. Edwards – Damian.

If you could move on to a specific passage from the diary rather than say her aunt knew she was dying etc. etc. in the next paragraph, I think you’d add a bit more tension to the story.

The part about the medicine doesn’t ring true. Wouldn’t she try to get him to a doctor? Maybe she could tell him she was going to call an ambulance and go for the phone, and then he begs her not to, saying he just needs some antibiotics. Then she could remember the amoxicillin and go for it.

God, there was no denying the attractiveness of his feral looks. She had to help him. Maybe move ‘She had to help him’ to somewhere else. It sounds like she’s helping him because he’s attractive.

Grammar and Mechanics

Looked perfect.

Conclusions
Good story. I think if you lengthened it you could add more depth to their relationship though. Keep writing.

Debbie


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Review of Red Paint?  Open in new Window.
Review by debbie Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Buckley: I am reviewing your story, Red Paint, as a part of the Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society’s Halloween Review Raid. I hope you find my review of some use. Please take what you like and disregard the rest.

What I liked

I loved the whole thing. Your writing style is very spare and easy to read. You told a wonderful poignant story almost entirely through dialogue, and you created a strong interesting character. All this in only 673 words. Well done.


Favorite Lines

It had been years filled with a lot of silence and space between them.I’m not even sure this sentence is grammatically correct but I still loved it.

“What you going to do with his truck sis?”

“You!…you…you can have it if you help us out with this.” You packed a lot of info about those two characters in this tiny exchange. Loved it.

Suggestions

I’m not really sure about this first suggestion so please feel free to ignore it if it doesn’t make sense to you. In the part that reads:
“Well sure then, what’s a big brother for?” The grin came through loud and clear for her. I’m not sure you need that last part: The grin came through loud and clear for her. You’ve done such a good job, through dialogue, giving us a picture of what Jacob is like, I already pictured him grinning without you even mentioning it. It reads great either way though.

The only other thing I would suggest is you get rid of one or two adverbs that you really don’t need:

“The past is the past honey,” said Audrey convincingly. cut convincingly.

Audrey giggled hysterically as her daughter looked at the red paint in wonder. Get rid of hysterically. In fact I’d rather Audrey just chuckle here – it seems more her nature.

Grammar and Mechanics

Looked great.

Conclusions
Wonderful story. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Keep writing.

Debbie


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5
5
Review by debbie Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Central Bank  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Ann: I saw your story, Chapter One of Reality byThought, on the Read a Newbie page and decided to give it a look-see.
I hope you find my review of some use. Please take what you like and disregard the rest.

What I liked
I liked the way you started this story: with a nice action sequence and some dialogue. I was interested from the first word. Your story has a nice mix of action, description and dialogue. It was an easy read with good transitions throughout.

Suggestions
Please keep in mind that I am no expert, so feel free to ignore any suggestion that does not make sense. I think you’ve created some interesting characters and a situation that sounds compelling, but I suggest you slow things down a bit to give us a chance to get to know your characters better – especially Rick. There is quite a bit of head hopping going on here, which you do pretty well. But it doesn’t give us enough time to get to know your main character. In fact, I think the school scene would work just as well, maybe better, written just in Rick’s POV.

More specific suggestions are below:

She stood by the portal, which hummed patiently for anyone to use its service. I’d suggest ending this sentence at the word portal, and deleting the rest. It doesn’t really give any useful information and slows down a great action sequence.

The small child's cries stung her ears and she held the child more closely to her chest. maybe replace “the child” with “him” so we know what sex he is.

He clashed swords with the tall, skinny man who snarled in anger as a tiger does to his prey when it has not been yet been slain. He roared an ancient saying, one not known to commoners and his sword became encircled with lightning. End the first sentence after snarled in anger, the rest slowed down the action. In the second sentence, which he, Mariko or the tall skinny man, roared an ancient saying? Maybe you can say the man or Mariko’s opponent or something.

Before she could say a word, the guidance counselor walked in. She mumbled something to Mrs. Parks after which she silently walked out, leaving the class with suspicion. I’d rewrite this sentence. This is where I think you’ve started to rush a bit. I think, in the first chapter, a little portent can go a long way. And the guidance counselor hasn’t done anything that the class should find suspicious. Maybe change it to just:

Before she could say a word, the guidance counselor walked in. She mumbled something to Mrs. Parks and then left the room.

I think everything with Scott, Kat, and Rick in the rest of the chapter needs to unfold more slowly as well. Kat asking to come to his home to meet his parents right away seems completely unrealistic. I understand that she has some sort of ulterior motive. But if we are going to take Kat, and more importantly, Rick, seriously than she’s going to have to ask to go to his house in a more believable way. Take a look at the first chapters of your favorite YA books (I’m assuming that’s your audience). Usually something pretty small happens when the protagonist and the antagonist (or love interest) first see each other and then the protagonist fixates on it until the next time they run into each other. Maybe Kat smiles at him and glares at Scott. Rick wonders if he imagined the smile but he notices she keeps looking at him. He wonders why she glared at Scott when usually girls love him, etc. etc. Chapter ends. Next chapter she joins him, unasked, at a lunch table. She’s rude to Scott again. Rick thinks it’s all bizarre but he’s attracted to her, etc. etc. etc. Finally, she asks if she can come over so he can help her catch up in English class – or whatever. I think a slower setup would be more believable and would give us a chance to get to know the major players better.

Grammar and Mechanics
Looked pretty clean. I only noticed a few things. On a few occasions you slipped into present tense, like below:
Kat asked, completely ignoring the teacher, who has been trying to not yell at Kat to quiet down.

This sentence was a little confusing and the POV switch was confusing as well:
While they were in the world of the 21st century, the rest were in more “modern” times: hover motorcycles and cars, teleporters replaced the airplane when I was a baby—stuff like that.


Conclusions
You’ve got a good start here: interesting likeable main character, a bit of mystery and maybe a bit of romance too. I’m looking forward to reading more.

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Review of Bridge Mix  Open in new Window.
Review by debbie Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Dreaming1. I am reviewing your item, Bridge Mix, as a part of your Nuclear Package from the "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. This is a gift celebrating your enshrinement inThe Tome of Artistry  Open in new Window. from PatrickB Author IconMail Icon , coordinator of The Art of Criticism  Open in new Window. . Thank you for your community spirit!'

I hope you find my review of some use. Please take what you like and disregard the rest.

What I liked

Very cute story. My in-laws lived on a ranch in the middle of the country and also had a serious mouse problem, so I understand your pain – kind of. No toaster incidents, thank God.

I really liked how you captured your in-laws idiosyncrasies and let those behaviors speak for themselves. The best part was the suspense you built into the scene when your father-in-law headed into the kitchen. Har har har. Very well done.

Favorite Lines

No! my mind screamed.. And then he released the object and it fell into the dish.

And

I was suddenly aware of germs. The tissue paper seemed like a safer alternative so I used it to wipe my mouth.

Suggestions

Kill your niece?? No – just kidding. No Suggestions. Wonderful Story.

Grammar and Mechanics


During my second marraige, an ex-husband and I use to visit my in-laws more often than I cared to. I think it should be marriage and use should be used.

"Oh god!" I'd shrieked. I’m not sure about this one but should God be capitalized because it’s a proper noun?

Conclusions
Wonderful slice of life. I loved it. Keep writing!

Debbie

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7
7
Review of The Orange  Open in new Window.
Review by debbie Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi Dreaming1. I am reviewing your item, The Orange, as a part of your Nuclear Package from the "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. This is a gift celebrating your enshrinement inThe Tome of Artistry  Open in new Window. from PatrickB Author IconMail Icon , coordinator of The Art of Criticism  Open in new Window. . Thank you for your community spirit!'

I hope you find my review of some use. Please take what you like and disregard the rest.

What I liked

This was a beautiful, simple, touching story. I loved it. You let the dialogue and every action speak for itself without embellishment or editorializing. I found it very moving.

Favorite Lines
Every line in this story was an example of less is more, so I’m going to have a hard time picking out a few favorites – but here are the two I liked the most:

Ms. Avery looked up then. The pencil stopped moving. Her gaze fell upon the worn out dusty shoes. Nina tucked one foot behind the other.

and

Nina sat the orange down on her desk. Her eyes glistened for several moments, and then she continued with her work.

Suggestions
None. Great job

Grammar and Mechanics
There was an extra period at the end of the last line. That’s it.

Conclusions
I loved it. Keep writing!

Debbie

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8
8
Review by debbie Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Midnight Flame: I am reviewing your story as part of the Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society's September Raid. I hope you find my review of some use. Please take what you like and disregard the rest.

What I liked
I liked the characters Tom, Dick and Harry very much. My particular favorite was Harry. He was a hoot. I think my favorite part was when he started talking about the dog. I especially liked this part:

“Dick turned into a dog!” he exclaimed, trying to catch a good look at him through his whirling vision.

“He’s dead!” Tom reminded him.

Harry looked closely at the dog. “Looks alive to me.”

Har Har Har!!

And if you can believe it, I didn't get the Tom, Dick and Harry part till the very end. Very cute.

Grammar and Mechanics
There were a couple of times I lost track of who was speaking. Like below:

Dick was unperturbed. “We’re already are sky high.” His gaze hooked on the lighter at his feet, a tic of desire twitching his features.

“Then you’ll blow us sky higher! Do you want to make it back to America?”

Tensing Tom met Dick’s gaze in challenge, sending him a stern, warning expression at which his eyes narrowed.

I am not an expert on grammar at all so I could be wrong here but I think that if the sentence starting with tensing were a part of the proceeding paragraph it would be easier to figure out who was saying what.

There were a few easily fixed problems with grammar:
Straightening up to take the bottle, with a crack and hiss of pain Tom’s head struck the steel ceiling of the luggage hold. I think this sentence might need some reworking so Tom is the subject rather than Tom's head. Maybe: "Tom straightened up to take the bottle, hissing in pain as his head struck the steel ceiling of the luggage hold. (or something like that).

Same thing here:

In slow motion, his skin buzzing, Tom saw Dick topple off the railing into the sky. Change to: Tom saw Dick topple in slow motion off the railing into the sky. Unless you meant he saw it in slow motion rather than Dick toppled in slow motion - if so then ignore this advice.

Conclusions
I didn't really understand how the prompt fit in to all this but it was an enjoyable read all the same. The other thing I didn't get was what caused the explosion. Was it something Tom, Dick or Harry did or is it still a mystery?

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9
9
Review of The Blood Test  Open in new Window.
Review by debbie Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Lilacor: I am reviewing your piece, The Blood Test, as a part of the Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Societys' Anniversary Raid. Please take what suggestions make sense and disregard the rest.

Very funny story, I've had that same survival of the fittest sprint when at the grocery store or trying to get a seat on the metro. The last time I was bested by a woman who must have been 11 months pregnant so that kind of tells you my fitness level.

No problems with grammar or mechanics that I could tell.

Clever idea. I loved the last two lines.

Keep Writing!

Debbie

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10
10
Review by debbie Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
What can I say Eyestar. For the first time since grade school I actually tried my hand at poetry. A limerick, to be sure, but still your contest inspired me to give it a whirl even though I have always been a tiny bit poetry phobic.

It's a great idea - a poetry contest inspired by the Star Trek tv series/movies. The original Star Trek and its many iterations have captured so many people's hearts and imaginations over the years.

I love that you used trek lingo throughout the page and I have thoroughly enjoyed reading the entries. Fun accessible contest.

Live long and prosper -

Debbie
11
11
Review of Sleep  Open in new Window.
Review by debbie Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Fire* Congratulations Andrew! You're receiving a gift from "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. ! The Lightning Package has been ordered for you from: eyestar~* Author Icon and includes the reviews of three fiction stories! Enjoy! *Fire*

I hope you find my review of your short story, Sleep, of some use. Please take what you like and disregard the rest.

What I liked
I liked pretty much everything. Your story had a wonderful narrative voice and you did a great job creating a world, through Jacob's eyes, that was disconnecting from reality. Your story included a lot of subtle details that made Jacob's world seem very real to the reader - the description of the fellow he bummed a cigarette from, the ROTC, the messages he deleted from his email account - all good touches. I also thought Roger was particularly well done.


Favorite Lines
Another minute of scanning the plaza and I find a suitable candidate to bum a cigarette from in a quiet looking fellow huddled under a gazebo wearing too much black.

I am surrounded by the pleasure of how warm and dry I feel, and I slip back into a slumber filled with more police questions and cold, wet answers. :I loved the way you used the weather so effectively as a part of the setting.

Suggestions
Just a couple of suggestions. Take what makes sense - ignore the rest.

I was a little lost when Jacob transitioned from the first scene, in Dr. Roth's class, to the car in front of the library. I know that in some ways it was intentional so that the reader learns only gradually what's really going on. It was very well done. The only thing that threw me was the emailing of the document to the professor - is that what he did? - or did he just email a professor? The reason it threw me is that he brought the physical paper to class. If it was a different professor he emailed as he was working on in front of the library maybe you could mention the name of the professor or class. Or maybe students always turn in an electronic and physical version nowadays and I'm all wet here. Anyways - it confused me a little.

The only other thing that threw me was when the doctor said the police considered it an accident. Maybe the doctor could say the police don't blame you or something else since it wasn't an accident. There was intent there.

Grammar and Mechanics
Didn't see anything.

Conclusions
Very good story. I really liked the end - that there was hope that Jacob could get through this. I would have been really unhappy if he'd jumped. A wonderful story - completely different than the last one I read of yours. Keep writing!

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by Maryann Author Icon
12
12
Review of monster test  Open in new Window.
Review by debbie Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Ben: I'm reviewing your monster lore quiz as a part of the WDC Power Reviewers July Raid. Thought I'd better take it first. I guess I'm not quite an expert. Still - lots of fun. Very cute. I hope you'll eventually post the answers though so I'll know where I need to brush up. Also - a wonderful segway into your ghoul story. I hope you get a lot of participation.

Very creative,

Debbie

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13
13
Review by debbie Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi Mangadude: I am reviewing your piece as a part of the WDC Power Reviewers' July raid.

I don't usually review poetry but this entry was too funny to resist. Plus I love Dr. Suess. This was very cute. My favorite part: changing the 'who' to the 'whom'. Really funny stuff. I also loved little Mindy - quite a departure from the little girl in the original (Cindy Lou?). I'll take your girl any time over the girl who let The Grinch whisk her off to bed with a drink of water.

Well done. Keep writing!

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14
14
Review by debbie Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Andrew: Saw your review request on the Power Reviewers page and decided to give your story a look-see. I hope you find my review of some use. Please take what you like and disregard the rest.

What I liked
I thought the whole story was extremely well done. You pulled me into the story with the very first paragraph. More importantly, even though I had absolutely nothing in common with the protagonist you created, I identified with him. Great job telling a riveting story and creating a character who is so human.


Favorite Lines
I let out a big cloud, pull it back in through my nose and for just a half-second nothing #$%@* matters; but then it does again.

I kiss her on the forehead as the first drops begin to break their seal.

Suggestions
Just a few suggestions. If they don't make sense, please disregard them.

In the paragraph that begins "Of course..." I mumble I would use Jason's name so the reader doesn't think he's talking about the old man.

In the part where he gives the old man the money. I got the sense that it was also a bribe, but I wasn't sure. I love that you don't beat the reader over the head with things but maybe one more sentence here wouldn't hurt.

"I just want to make sure you're happy," I might change this to "I just want to make sure you're okay" because he's not really doing anything to make sure she's happy (unless its just wishful thinking on his part)

In the part where she kisses him (which I loved btw), could she hesitate for just a moment, or could he see hesitation in her eyes for just a second? Something, in other words, to give her a little more depth and show that she is still just a kid in over her head.

Grammar and Mechanics
Didn't see anything wrong here.

Conclusions
Wonderful story. Your characters were excellent. I loved it. Keep writing!



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by Maryann Author Icon
15
15
Review by debbie Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Saw your request on the CSFS page and thought I'd give your chapter a look-see. I hope you find my review of some use. Please take what you like and disregard the rest.

What I liked
I think you've got a great story going here. I like Faith and her friends very much. Illnya and Tah'lon are particularly well done. All of your characters show a real warmth and humanity - I'm already rooting for them. Your writing is lyrical and a pleasure to read.

Suggestions
While reading my remarks I hope you keep in mind that I am not a fantasy expert so please ignore any suggestions that are unhelpful. These suggestions are for the first three chapters as a whole, not just chapter 3.

I wonder if you could find an opportunity somewhere in chapter 2 or 3 to add a scene between Faith and Arianna. At this point in the story I would like to know more about all of your characters and a scene between the two of them might facilitate that. You could put it in after they look at the map or while Faith is getting ready for the celebration. I suggest Arianna because it seems she is the person whom Faith confides in. If they had a scene alone you could use their dialogue as a vehicle to get to know more about Faith, Faith's friends, and at least a hint of Faith's feelings for Tah'lon. Arianna could even tease her about Veronica's interest in Tah'lon.

How many people escaped the castle three years ago? It seemed like it wasn't very many. If it was just a handful, I wonder if you could use Faith's memories after her dream (when she is remembering the massacre) as an opportunity to mention them.

Grammar and Mechanics
There were a couple of occasions in chapter 3 when there was dialogue from one character paired with actions from another - although it actually looks more like those are spacing problems between paragraphs rather than problems with mechanics. Perhaps you could go back through and make sure the paragraphs are all double-spaced.

There was also some spacing problems with the sentences that started:
For as long as Faith could remember Illnya


Conclusions
Good story - interesting warm characters - I'd definitely read more. Keep writing!

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Review of Big Bad Wolf  Open in new Window.
Review by debbie Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Donovan. Saw your story on the Power Reviewers page so I thought I'd give it a look-see. I enjoyed it very much. I hope you find my review of some use. Please take what you like and disregard the rest.

What I liked
There wasn't much I didn't like. If I had to pick what I liked the best I'd have to say your characters. They are funny and larger than life - I got a huge kick out of both of them. Eddie was particularly well done. Your writing is extremely polished and easy to read. Great job with your descriptions too. I laughed several times while reading this - particularly when they find the crime scene


Favorite Lines
He had a bandanna tied around his forehead, concealing what I knew was a small pentacle tattoo at the point of his widow's peak, a deep green color against the startling paleness that was his skin tone. Eddie was a witch, a damn strong one at that.

"Note the photographs of the girls, ya compassionate ----.” He said with a roll of his eyes.

Suggestions
I suggest you cut a few adverbs. I'm not completely anti-adverb but I do think they can be overdone. You do have a lot of quietlies and calmlies modifying your dialogue. I'd cut some of those. Glaringly also didn't work for me (when describing the bold print. I'd just go with glaring).

I love the fact that Eddie calls Jack brother but it threw me in the sentence right after Jack talked about his brother dying. Maybe switch that one to "my friend".

I think you might have missed a few words in the sentence where Jack kills the wolf. Either that or there is a period in the wrong place.

Maybe describe the girls fear just a little bit more. Your descriptions of her are so brief it's hard to see if she's scared or not.

Grammar and Mechanics
Nothing glaring that I could see.

Conclusions
Fun story. Great characters. I thoroughly enjoyed this.



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Review by debbie Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Arosis: I stumbled across your prologue on the review request page. I hope you find my review of some use. It isn't going to be very long because there really isn't much about this piece that isn't spot on - IMHO. Please take what you like and disregard the rest.

What I liked
I liked everything. This was excellent from beginning to end. You set an interesting scene, created some wonderfully unique characters and introduced a mystery that I definitely want to know more about.


Favorite Lines
There was one small, detached part of him that wished he was not sprinting, thank you very much; it resigned itself to thanking whatever gods were listening that the Minotaur was at home and not lurking around the next bend of this labyrinth.
The letter of the week had been B, as in “bear.”

Suggestions
I don't really have too many ideas how you might make this better. Here are the few thoughts I had.

I was a little confused when you first mentioned the word dwarf. It took me a minute to figure out you were talking about Peter. That disrupted the flow right during a very upsetting part of the prologue. Maybe that information could have come earlier (when Peter and Giles were talking).


I'd cut hot when referring the the boys blonde hair.

I'm assuming the candidate was very young because he was in a room for very young children. Right? Could Giles notice how small he was or something so its clear?

Maybe add a few more details about the knife: How he got it? Or at least how Giles thought he might have gotten it.

Grammar and Mechanics
On one occasion you started a new paragraph after the candidate finished talking but while he was still the one who's action we were following. I don't actually think it was grammatically incorrect but I was a little confused at first. After: “Like you. Like them. Like me.” I thought the action had shifted to Giles or Peter. It might have been easier to read without a new paragraph.

Conclusions
This prologue was fantastic. If I'd picked this up and read it at a bookstore - I would have purchased the book. I'm so glad I got to read it here for free.

Well done. Keep writing!

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18
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Review by debbie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Cute. I hated it when the sidekick got my points in Fallout 3. Fallout Vegas you get the points for your companions kills.
19
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Review by debbie Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Big Bad: I was on the fence about reviewing this because I am so unfamiliar with the subject. I've played some video games (Fallout 3 is my favorite so far) but I've never done any online gaming. These are online games - right? What the heck though - might as well give it a go.

Very cute script. I also think it's a pretty good guide to getting better at these particular games. Better than those dry Prima books or the faqs you read online. OK - I'm a cheater - I get the guides. I liked the humor too - loved the part where the soldier and the footman whisper about the different ways they might assassinate the interviewer.

Because I'm not an online gamer I didn't get the part about the popularity and having more than one version of some characters. Maybe you could expand on that - unless your audience is strictly the online gaming community. I kind of got the end but because I'm not an online gamer I didn't get it completely. In these two games, are there some gamers you align with and some you are enemies with - or all they all enemies? If the former, I'd expand a little more so the two realize it's the enemies crashing towards them. If the latter, just ignore the previous two sentences. Please take my suggestions with a grain of salt because I'm not familiar with the subject.

Loved the last two lines.
20
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Review by debbie Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Steven: I saw your review request on the Power Reviewers page and decided to give your story a look-see. I thoroughly enjoyed what you've got here and can't wait to see how it ends. I hope you find my review of some use. Please take what you like and disregard the rest.

What I liked
Pretty much everything. Your writing is clear, spare, and easy to read. You've got an interesting plot and a character I care about. Good job with the foreshadowing too.

Favorite Lines
Terrified, Michael quickly shuffled up onto his knees, facing the closet.
The last thing he remembered was the scream that never escaped his throat.


Suggestions
I'm not sure about the first paragraphs in each time period. They are a little distancing. Maybe you can use a different device (like just put the year or "Michael - 1990" or something. It's the first sentences, really, I found a little distracting. What if you changed the first sentence to: The first time it happened Michael was seven years old (or whatever age he was). Since you aren't at the end of your story I'm not sure how many back and forths there will be. Perhaps my suggestion wouldn't work. I just didn't like: Remembering back to his childhood, things began to make sense. - especially since things really don't seem to be making any sense for him yet.

I'd cut the sentence:
As a young child, Michael had no fear, and his curiosity tended to get the best of him. and replace it with something more immediate like: "He wasn't afraid, not at first."

Explain the baby monitor a bit more. It's set up for the expected baby? Is the room he enters the nursery? Maybe he can see the empty crib or something so we get a better idea of that.

Michael instantly recognized the static as the sound of the baby monitor that his parent's had set up. cut instantly

He knew she was exhausted though, she'd been working a lot lately, and he decided that he wasn't going to wake her up. Change this to something more kid friendly. You've done a great job creating a young boy's POV. Maybe change to She'd been working a lot lately, and he knew she was tired. He decided that he wasn't going to wake her up.

Several minutes later, the young boy poked his head out from underneath the blanket, Change the young boy to he or Michael. I've identified with his POV so much at this point, I thought for a second you were talking about a different kid.

In the section with the shrink - I'd just have her say their time is up rather than "I'm gonna give you some time to think about what you're wanting to say..." Either that or change the lines before so he struggles to say something and then stops.

Grammar and Mechanics
The only thing I saw was the brief shift to present tense when Michael first gets knocked to the floor

Conclusions
Excellent story! I can't wait to see how it ends. Please let me know when you get the last part of it up.
Keep writing!



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Review of Breathless  Open in new Window.
Review by debbie Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi M.S. - I saw your item on the Newbie review page, the title intrigued me, so I decided to give it a look-see. I hope you find my review of some use. Please take what you like and disregard the rest.

What I liked
Your writing is very polished - a pleasure to read. You do a great job with descriptions. I thought the two vignettes you included in your story - the lovers at the observation deck, and the lemon guy - added a lot. The lovers' scene was particularly sweet.

You also did a great job creating two distinct worlds on the ship - one sterile and lifeless and the other lush and full of life. Very well done.


Favorite Lines
As I lay awake in my sterile room, the crisp sheets gave me little comfort.

When the vents would push out a new batch of cold air the two would move even closer, warming the other.

In my last moment of sight, I saw Earth, returning itself to me

Suggestions
My biggest problem with this story is that most of the conflict has taken place before the story begins. If you could shift some of that conflict into the story, I think it would make a good story even better. What if the old man (who parted the men like Moses and the Red Sea) hit the intercom and had a conversation with your MC before he pushed the buttons?

As wonderful as all your descriptions were, I think a sentence or two could be cut here and there to make the story move a little faster (especially in the beginning when you're trying to hook the reader). I would suggest you cut the second paragraph down to a sentence or two or even cut it out entirely and just start the third paragraph with I got dressed and exited my room.

The man and the technology in the lemon scene is a little confusing. Is he an android? Maybe a little more explanation here.

The third to the last paragraph (the dialogue) is a little melodramatic. I'd reword. Just for the record, you've done a wonderful job conveying, throughout the entire story, all of the sadness your MC feels here.

Grammar and Mechanics
Not much wrong here. I think the last sentence in the first paragraph may need a little reworking - maybe drop 'I understood' and change 'their' to 'there'.

Maybe drop consoling the other from the lovers scene as it might be a POV problem - I'm not sure on that one.

Drop color faded from my face in last paragraph - POV problem.



Conclusions
I liked this story. You have created two extremely believable worlds in one small story. If you let the settings fade just a little bit more into the background and bring your MC's actions and interactions into the foreground you'd be hitting it out of the ballpark.



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Review of "Jonah's grin"  Open in new Window.
Review by debbie Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Luis: Excellent story. I loved it. Jonah was a wonderful character. The note was a perfect and original way to introduce Jamie.

I can't think of much that might improve this story. In the first paragraph I might change the word 'patient' to the word 'client'. In the sentence 'the boy jerked in the air' I'd change it to young man or Jonah's name or something since he's not a boy (in fact I thought you were talking about one of the teenagers at first). You might also consider putting a little bit more of it in Jonah's POV - I thought Jonah's POV was very well done.

Favorite lines:

Only big boys are allowed to ride with out training wheels. (although you need to change it to without)

"Go Jonah, go Bravo fast.”

I've read and enjoyed several of your stories Luis - I think this one is the best...so far.

Keep writing,

Debbie

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Review of Magi Chapter 1  Open in new Window.
Review by debbie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Maxwell: Just finished reading Chapter One of Magi. Please take whatever suggestions you find helpful and toss the rest. Here's what I liked: I thought your main character's narrative voice was terrific. Very convincing. I also thought you did a great job slipping in a bit of backstory and some foreshadowing. And even though this chapter was pretty much all tell and no show you managed to maintain my interest by giving enough specifics to keep it interesting (like the part about Wade and the prophecy).

In other words this seems like an extremely interesting story. You've introduced a compelling main character and some mysteries I'd like to know more about (like what was the cull?). I am nervous, however, about the vehicle you've chosen to tell this tale. Conveying the entire tale through diary entries or a log written well after the story took place might make this a little too telly - unless you manage to get some dialogue and action into the log. I'm not even sure that you plan on using the logs for most of the story - if that's not the plan just ignore this whole paragraph. If it is the plan - you'll have to work extra hard to make sure the story doesn't become too passive.

Keep writing. I'm interested to see how this develops.

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Review by debbie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Elizabeth: Wonderful story. The pain and confusion your teenaged narrator felt was perfectly conveyed in your writing. Your writing reminds me of Laurie Halse Anderson (she wrote Speak) or Alyson Noel (Saving Zoe). I love the friend-triangle between the narrator, Kendra and Haylee and the fact that Lizzie attaches such importance to it (like any teenaged girl would). I thought you did a wonderful job with Brianna, warts and all. It was an amazing bit of writing - considering we don't even meet Brianna until the very end of the story. And the conflicted feelings Lizzie has for Brianna is spot on. My favorite line:

“You just... are perfect. I wish I was you,” he replies.

This story was excellent but in the next story you write I'd love to see the main character affect events just a little bit more (in other words, be a bit less passive). In this story, I could see Lizzie was very quietly assertive (by remaining friends with Brianna even though it meant she risked losing her other friends) but most of that happened before this story took place. Bring that out a bit more in your next piece.

Keep writing. You are very talented.

Debbie

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Review of Pleading carrot  Open in new Window.
Review by debbie Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Luis: I thought your story was great. Loved title and the first sentence. Kudos for coming up with such a unique story too. Who would have thought that digging up carrots could be fraught with such angst and danger. There are a lot of really clever sentences here. Two of my favorites:

By one I was covered in sweat, by two I was covered in mud and by three only one carrot remained.

I walked back into my house through the rear, then back out with my dog through the front.

I also loved the way you showed Wes becoming more and more angry and unstable throughout the story – the two scenes at Scott’s house were wonderful.

A couple of small issues: Punctuation problems with this sentence: "Oh," I shouted, “so you understand me, you think that you know what is going on? Well I've got news for you, you don't, (I huffed and puffed like an angry four year old) you don't know the half. Maybe try “Oh,” I shouted, “so you understand me, you think that you know what is going on? Well I’ve got news for you, you don’t”, I huffed and puffed like angry four year old. “You don’t know the half.”

I quickly grabbed my head to keep it from spinning off, but I could not keep the ground from spinning, so I feel. Cut so I feel.

Lillie and lillies should be Lily or Lilies

On a couple of instances you switched to present tense, although it might have been internal dialogue. Either switch to past tense or use italics or something. Example: Oh how I loathe them should be oh how I loathed them.

There demise should be Their demise.

The only other suggestion I have is maybe add a sentence or two to the end. I had a little trouble visualizing the collapse of the ground and the shed – really loved the ranch dressing part though.

Great story.

Debbie

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