Hi Ann: I saw your story, Chapter One of Reality byThought, on the Read a Newbie page and decided to give it a look-see.
I hope you find my review of some use. Please take what you like and disregard the rest.
What I liked
I liked the way you started this story: with a nice action sequence and some dialogue. I was interested from the first word. Your story has a nice mix of action, description and dialogue. It was an easy read with good transitions throughout.
Suggestions
Please keep in mind that I am no expert, so feel free to ignore any suggestion that does not make sense. I think you’ve created some interesting characters and a situation that sounds compelling, but I suggest you slow things down a bit to give us a chance to get to know your characters better – especially Rick. There is quite a bit of head hopping going on here, which you do pretty well. But it doesn’t give us enough time to get to know your main character. In fact, I think the school scene would work just as well, maybe better, written just in Rick’s POV.
More specific suggestions are below:
She stood by the portal, which hummed patiently for anyone to use its service. I’d suggest ending this sentence at the word portal, and deleting the rest. It doesn’t really give any useful information and slows down a great action sequence.
The small child's cries stung her ears and she held the child more closely to her chest. maybe replace “the child” with “him” so we know what sex he is.
He clashed swords with the tall, skinny man who snarled in anger as a tiger does to his prey when it has not been yet been slain. He roared an ancient saying, one not known to commoners and his sword became encircled with lightning. End the first sentence after snarled in anger, the rest slowed down the action. In the second sentence, which he, Mariko or the tall skinny man, roared an ancient saying? Maybe you can say the man or Mariko’s opponent or something.
Before she could say a word, the guidance counselor walked in. She mumbled something to Mrs. Parks after which she silently walked out, leaving the class with suspicion. I’d rewrite this sentence. This is where I think you’ve started to rush a bit. I think, in the first chapter, a little portent can go a long way. And the guidance counselor hasn’t done anything that the class should find suspicious. Maybe change it to just:
Before she could say a word, the guidance counselor walked in. She mumbled something to Mrs. Parks and then left the room.
I think everything with Scott, Kat, and Rick in the rest of the chapter needs to unfold more slowly as well. Kat asking to come to his home to meet his parents right away seems completely unrealistic. I understand that she has some sort of ulterior motive. But if we are going to take Kat, and more importantly, Rick, seriously than she’s going to have to ask to go to his house in a more believable way. Take a look at the first chapters of your favorite YA books (I’m assuming that’s your audience). Usually something pretty small happens when the protagonist and the antagonist (or love interest) first see each other and then the protagonist fixates on it until the next time they run into each other. Maybe Kat smiles at him and glares at Scott. Rick wonders if he imagined the smile but he notices she keeps looking at him. He wonders why she glared at Scott when usually girls love him, etc. etc. Chapter ends. Next chapter she joins him, unasked, at a lunch table. She’s rude to Scott again. Rick thinks it’s all bizarre but he’s attracted to her, etc. etc. etc. Finally, she asks if she can come over so he can help her catch up in English class – or whatever. I think a slower setup would be more believable and would give us a chance to get to know the major players better.
Grammar and Mechanics
Looked pretty clean. I only noticed a few things. On a few occasions you slipped into present tense, like below:
Kat asked, completely ignoring the teacher, who has been trying to not yell at Kat to quiet down.
This sentence was a little confusing and the POV switch was confusing as well:
While they were in the world of the 21st century, the rest were in more “modern” times: hover motorcycles and cars, teleporters replaced the airplane when I was a baby—stuff like that.
Conclusions
You’ve got a good start here: interesting likeable main character, a bit of mystery and maybe a bit of romance too. I’m looking forward to reading more.
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