Hi Cailean, Your story line is good with plenty of detail. I did find it hard to read because your sentences are fragmented. Unless you are Steven King, fragmented sentences do not work for the reader. You want your sentences to flow with a nice rythmn. Only whole sentences will give you that balance. Be diligent with punctuation. One missplaced or unused comma will throw off your sentence, and muddle your reason for creating the sentence. It will also discourage the reader because they will have to reread the sentence to get your point. I look forward to reading more of you work.
Hi Hope75, I like your story. Your use of dialog is very good, and I envy those who do it so naturally. Be careful of cliche`s. They are a big no because they will bore the reader. Reread your story carefully, omitting or rewriting any thing that you may think could be a cliche. Punctuation is the most important part of writing because the placing or omittance of a comma will give a sentence a completely different meaning. Remember that a comma should be placed before and, yet, therefore, and but because it alerts the reader that a pause is expected. Keep up the good work, and I look forward to reading your next piece.
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