Another lovely poem. At times the wording is difficult to decipher as you make it fit your rhythm but it is understandable. One suggestion...if you were to separate the comments of Jesus from those of the Samaritan woman usung sets of quotation marks they would be easier to distinguish from each other. It is by no means a necessity, though it would aid the reader in their understanding. Also, in the fifth line of the first verse: "Why ask me for water sir, are so blind?" Should there be a "you" in this phrase: "are you so blind?"
Great work, once again. I am enjoying your work and will certainly make time to read more soon.
I enjoyed your autobiography very much. Thank you for sharing it. I am very sorry for the loss of your sister. I just turned 40 last December and I had my first mammogram back in April after suffering a miscarriage. I've been married for 22 years, come March, and I have three children: 2 daughters and 1 son. My oldest daughter (20) just got married last October.
I am the third of seven children, the oldest daughter. I lost my closest sibling, a brother, almost 15 years ago in a car accident. I miss him terribly even now. My father suffers from Parkinson's with dementia and my mother cares for him as best she can, with my siblings and I helping as much as possible so that we don't have to resort to nursing care because he wants to be at home.
I have been writing since I was a child. Writing is all I have ever wanted to do. For many years I wrote for the enjoyment of my children; stories for and about them. Now I am polishing some of my better stories and looking for publishing opportunities.
I also love the CSI shows. The characters are very well-rounded and I think there is a good mix of secular and personal information about them through the episodes to give them real personalities both on and off the job.
I look forward to reading more of your work as soon as time allows. Thank you for sharing your autobiography. You have inspired me to think about putting together one of my own.
Very touching and well done. Your writing has a very calming flow in the rhythm created by the words, just as I would imagine Christ's words were for the one he here pardoned.
Human nature hasn't changed much since Christ's time, it is a shame to admit. All there needs to be is an allegation of wrong-doing and everyone jumps up to be the first to condemn another without even looking in the mirror and remembering their own sins.
I enjoyed your writing very much and I look forward to reading more soon.
My, what mischief! Your poem brought a smile as I imagined an impished child up to all of these pranks. I can imagine there would be some very good illustrations that could go with such a poem were it published for children.
Although I love your poem the way it is and I enjoyed very much the sparkle and energy it has as you describe the pranks this "invisible" youngster imagines playing on others, I have to wonder: would being invisible incite him/her to make only mischief and get back at others or would he/she perhaps find a way to use invisibility as a tool to create peace, harmony, and good feelings among others as well?
I will be back to read more of your work later. I enjoyed this poem and I'd like to see what else you have done. Thank you for sharing your work.
What a beautiful story. I love the retelling of it and the emotion that you put into it. You have a great sense for descriptive words that set just the right mood as a backdrop for the emotional tale to follow. I thoroughly enjoyed it and, I agree whole-heartedly that sometimes the most important lessons in life are taught to us by our children.
Thank you for this great comprehensive piece about writing query letters! I am in the process of writing one now and your tips of dos and don'ts helped me immensely! I also liked the examples. It's great to explain things, but a working example makes things that much more clear!
I have applied your tips and am now ready to send my letter with the improvements I have made! I look forward to seeing what happens.
Thanks again! I will be watching for more such articles. This one was very informative, well-structured, and presented in logical and understandable order. Very well done and not a bit dry, dull, or boring!
Gordon looks like a sweetie! I am so happy that you are able to take on a "special needs" animal! Not many people have the time, patience, or desire to do that. I am not currently in a position to do so myself, but it breaks my heart when I see animals at the shelter with physical or sensory handicaps and they are so sweet and loving and would make such a wonderful pet if someone would give them a chance.
As soon as I am in a position to do so, I am going to make a difference for one of them! (Can't afford the special health care and possible corrective surgeries needed as of yet, but soon!)
What a wonderful home Gordon has found with you. Congratulations on your new addition and best wishes!
Very, very touching. Your words paint such beautiful pictures in the reader's imagination. This poem is excellent.
The last verse seems symbolic of the fact that Betty's life was cut short. Intentional or not, it really impacts the reader with the tragic loss you have suffered and the raw emotion and void that was left behind.
I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my brother almost 13 years ago and there is still a hole in my heart and in my life that can never be filled. As much as we liked to annoy them when we were young, they hold a dear and special place in our hearts because they are our closest and oldest friends once we have grown. As the saying goes, they know everything about us and love us anyhow.
THank you for sharing something so intimate and personal as this poem. It is wonderfully done and although it is sad, it is a beautiful and loving expression of your feelings toward your dear sister.
May peace and comfort be yours as you continue to recover.
I love to read your work. It is so beautifully rhythmic and soothing. This is another wonderful poem. I especially enjoyed that you told the story of one single person, not the whole story of the event. That made it much more personal, much more heart-touching. I also think it was great that you put in a little analysis at the end, how some think he is lucky to be alive while others do not since all those he loved are now gone.
How very well you have described many a relationship in the world today! Very well done. I like the way you built up the feelings from the beginning and then slowly wound down in the last verse until the one speaking talked of using your title line as an epitaph, as that was the only solution that one could see for the problem at hand.
This is a nice poem. It certainly expresses a lot of emotion and tells how that emotion is being dealt with. Your writing has a graceful and soothing flow and it was nice to float along on your words.
I enjoyed this poem/song. The chorus expresses such a lovely and heartfelt sentiment. The other verses also pour out the emotions of the heart but in more detail and in a sadder way.
Your poem has a wonderful rhythmic flow that makes it easy to read and understand. I liked it very much.
I enjoyed this article as a prelude to entering your short story portfolio. It really helps your potential readers to understand something about you and your outlook on your writing.
I saw only one error: in the second paragraph "lead" should be "led".
I, too, have wanted to write from the time I was very young, but not necessarily novels. I enjoy writing poetry, haiku, short stories, articles, antecdotal stories, and especially children's stories.
I will definately be back to read more of your work. Thank you so much for sharing it with us here!
I like what you are saying in this poem. You asked for honest reviews, which I always try to give, so here goes.
First, have you thought of formatting this poem in verses? This would help both you and the reader to differentiate between thoughts. It would also make it easier to get into and understand the rhythm and flow of your poem. You have done such a good job with that aspect of your writing that it is a shame that it gets lost in the current format.
In line 19: “tommorrow" is misspelled. “Tomorrow” is correct.
In line 24: First, that whole statement is what you are thinking, so if you are going to put it into quotation makes, they should surround the entire line. Secondly, you used the word “threw” as in “he threw the ball”. The word you really want here is “through” as in “finished; completed; done”.
In line 33: “make belief” should be “make believe”.
In line 34: “I never really done all the things I wish I did” sounds a little awkward. Without disrupting the rhythm of this verse, the easiest change would be “I’ve never really done all the things I wish I did." ("Had" would work here in place of "did" depending on which one you like the sound of.)
Over all you did an excellent job for just starting out! Great work! I will visit your portfolio as time allows to read more of your work.
What a lovely tribute to your friends. This is a beautifully written poem. I like your descriptions and how they all turn around in the end because of your friends. Very good rhythm and flow. I like the style of this poem.
One small note: All of the verses are in the present tense but then in the last verse, the happy verse, you use a past tense in the last line. If you replaced "could" with "can" it would give the reader the feeling that the joy was an ongoing and continuing thing instead of something that only lasts a short time.
A beautiful sentiment. Yes, letting go and forgetting are two completely different things. I like the way you have expressed your emotions about this topic.
Yes, there is pain in letting go, but everyone should remember the good times and the good ways they have felt about others. I like that your poem is not bitter, angry, or describing a painful heartbreak. You have shed a refreshing light on a subject that so many write about.
I enjoyed it very much. Your writing has a soothing calmness to it and it was very pleasant to flow with the rhythm of your words.
I will come back soon to read more of your work.
Thank you,
Deb
(justme)
You have made some profound statements here. Your writing is very expressive, full of emotion, and speaks of problems faced by so many teens in today's world. It seems that many of today's teens do pay both for their parents' mistakes and for their own...their own made because of the ones their parents have already made.
In the second line of the last verse, "then" should be "than". That is the only thing I saw that I would change.
You have an excellent writing style. I will try to get back and read more of your work soon.
Thank you for sharing your poem. I like it.
Deb
(justme)
This is an interesting work. It seems to tell a story, but it is difficult to read with no capitalization. Dividing the lines into verses to set different thoughts apart would also make it more readable and therefore more understandable.
Several spelling errors:
Line 2: could've
Line 4: persistent
Line 12: would've
Line 19: turmoil
Line 23: perfect
This is a beautiful poem. I like the imagery and the metaphore. Very nicely done.
One suggestion: Your poem is beautiful the way it is, but in the third verse it is hard to continue reading and keep the good rythm you have going when the lines are divided the way they are:
Standing all alone on the rosebush,
I have no one to give me what I yearn
For so badly a drop of love to
Quench my thirst.
If you divide it up so that full thoughts are together or broken in a place where the reader will be pauseing in your rhythm, it will flow much more smoothly. Perhaps something like:
Standing all alone on the rosebush,
I have no one to give me
What I yearn for so badly
A drop of love to quench my thirst.
This is a very nice poem. You have good rhythm and flow in the first, third, and fourth verses. The second verse, though I love the content, is just very difficult to fit into the same meter of the poem.
What you are saying in the poem is beautiful and if would definately be lacking without that verse.
Very nice work. Thank you for sharing your writing.
Deb
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