I enjoyed the way in which your story starts as this film noir-ish rant about an empty life but then ends with an eerie revelation about communications from the afterlife. It's a highly unexpected twist, and I think uour narrator could make for a very interesting character if you expanded this story.
Things I liked:
What I thought was good is that you never describe or even directly acknowledge the guy's paranormal ability, but that it becomes very clear through conversation. You even allude to it when the girl mentions they have a special connection. I thought that was well-executed. It's also left open-ended in the sense that I wasn't sure if the guy already knew who the book's text came from or not, and I like that too. And if he didn't know before, will this realisation pull him out of his misery somehow? You could leave it the way it is or continue it; I think both would work well.
Also, you have some great phrases, like "slices of dead trees" and "never done drugs except for the worst kinds". Just great.
Things I think could be improved:
I would have liked to see a bit more exposition on our narrator. I got the sense that he might be a professional writer or musician or some other kind of artist, but there is not enough to go on. You don't have to outright tell the reader why the narrator feels miserable, but it'd be good to let on a little, I think. And is his paranormal gift/curse the reason for his misery? Also, the story description says he's a young man, but I knew that only from the description. It is said that 'they' feel like he's young, but instead of feeling like he was a young man with an old soul, I just felt he was old. Again, I suppose that warrants some extra exposition.
Hope that helps you. I enjoyed your story a lot and I'm still left thinking about how it could continue!
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/deltawerk
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 3:19pm on Dec 26, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
