I am an old English teacher, so I'm approaching your work as though you had turned it in for evaluation in my class. If that's OK, read on. If not, that's OK as well.
Your poem works as it moves from a tentative touch to complete submersion. The comparison of music and water works especially well, both being fluid and capable of swallowing us up.
I'm not sure I want death to be a part of it even though you mean a figurative death. For me, it could be solved in stanza 3 by changing the word "myself" to "my self" suggesting a loss of ego when lost in music.
In all, however, this is a fine piece. In my class I would give it high praise and share it with the class for their input.
Thanks for putting it out there.
You use the form of your poem very well. The rhyme is not forced, but flows smoothly, naturally. And, of course, the sentiment is spot on. Well done. Thanks for sharing.
Wow! Well written. I especially like the intertwining of past and present throughout. Excellent descriptions of both environment and personal reactions to the world around the character. Sad to lose him in the end, but that is really the only likely outcome of this man's attempt to escape his world.
A heartfelt plea - well expressed. It sounds as though the missing piece is still missing. Instead of a plea begging for words in the last stanza, I think I would like to see an understanding on the poet's part that in spite of the long search and the longing for completion, the missing piece is too different for a good fit. It's always a hard thing when something you envisioned as being so right is not. Good job. Thanks for sharing.
Nice buildup to the final moment. You are using sensory images very effectively. I like the fact that your person shows impatience, and yet she manages to use her time very productively. I feel she is a positive person who finds joy in living, and although she goes back to the joy she feels about her "boyfriend" over and over, somehow the life she loves supercedes their relationship. I think if you were to continue the story, we would see just how strong she is. However, where you leave it is good for dramatic effect. Good job. Thanks for sharing.
You have captured so well a dilemma that has existed since time began. The more years I personally accumulate, the more past time I have to try to hold on to. However, as I age, I am slowly learning that this time is an illusion. We really have only now, and I am discovering that only by letting go, can I hold on. I feel the frustration of your poem and I'm glad you shared it. Thank you.
Good to get "troubled thoughts" out of your head and on paper. Now you can do something with them. What I see in your work is the possibility of four poems. One about evil doings in your head, one about the fear of death, one about having done something criminal perhaps, and one about the desire for love. That's a lot in a few words. If I were you, I'd start with one of those ideas, free write till you exhaust the topic, then go back and pick out the strong words and see how you can shape those into a lengthier poem. Then do the same for the others. You have lots of good stuff to begin with. Don't worry about the rhymes. If that happens, cool; if not, no big deal. Keep getting the words on paper. Thanks for sharing.
What you have written is strong, powerful. I can see it all; I can hear it all; I can feel it all. Yet I am left unsatisfied at the ending. No resolution, barely a hint of a resolution. I would like to have more. I would like them to say more, do more. If this game is resulting in a collapse of the soul, I'd like to see that. If there is no collapse, then I'd like to see that as well. Please help your characters find what each is looking for.
I like what you have going here. Thanks for sharing.
In such a few words I sense the emptiness, finality, resignation. Good job. Those feelings come through clearly. Just for fun, try changing all your verb tenses to present tense instead of past. See if that gives you a different feeling about checking out. Thanks for sharing.
Well said. I think it's wonderful that good lessons often show themselves when we are running, walking, hiking. Something about the body being busy allowing messages through. You might think of expanding your thought to include a specific resolution that was arrived at aside from the general but precise "do the next right thing." Thanks for sharing your writing.
Very well done. Hard to find fault with any of it. I especially like the undulation of expressed words and thoughts behind them. You use this device very effectively. I'm not sure how close to your 2000 word limit you might be, but about the only place I can see where you can trim the story is the description of the natural beauty that Roger enjoys. You need it, of course, as a part of his character's sensitivity, but a few less leaf images, for example, wouldn't weaken the story at all. Good job!
A fascinating take on attachment and letting go. I like that you kept the focus on the parents and "Marie." However the transformation might have happened, the parents needed to "let go" and maybe now they would. Anyway, that's my take on your story. Thanks for sharing.
First of all, I was drawn into your scene, wanting to know more about the place, the beings, the events or circumstances that brought them there. As a former teacher, I certainly knew this young man and you've done an excellent job of exploring his mind. I would assume that as the story continues we might see more of the life preceeding this point in time, as well as what his coming experiences will do to the development of his character. This has nothing to do with the words you have expressed, but I would have an easier time reading it if it were chunked up a bit, thought units, a bit of white space. Thanks for sharing.
An intriguing beginning. The potential for conflicts abound. I would like to know more about the job in Toronto that would make her leave her connections in Atlanta. There must have been something magical about the possibilities there. It would seem that there would also be law opportunities closer to home. Is there a highly regarded law school in Toronto that she might attend to get here law degree? I have all sorts of questions, you see, which means your beginning has piqued my interest. Thanks for sharing.
I like this, and don't find it as dark and fearful as you may have wanted it to be. I think as I get older, I find less and less to fear and more and more wonder at the possibility of parallel universes. In fact, that is one consideration I am having for my work in the upcoming NANOWRIMO. Thanks for sharing.
I like what you've started. For an early draft, you certainly have many elements working and several directions to expand into. The religious touch, separation from family, coming of age, apocalypse, potential new world order. I'm curious about where the story is headed and how an 11 year old fits into that, or if there is another protagonist to appear and the young boy is simply the narrator letting us see the destruction and rebirth through his innocent eyes. Good work. Keep it up. Thanks for sharing.
There aren't words to assuage the loss you feel. Not even the knowledge that you're not alone can ease the suffering. Perhaps waiting for the flood will help. I don't know. In any case, you've expressed your feelings well - thank you for that.
I was easily drawn into your story. Stopping this chapter where you did has left me with at least a dozen questions for which, of course, I would have to read on to find answers. That's a good sign that something is working well in your beginning. The big questions for me are who the army of shadows might be, why the villagers have gathered, and are the villagers to be destroyed, all but Sartore. And then all the relationship questions that you have raised pique my interest. Good job.
I identify with this story on several levels, and I enjoyed it on each one. I liked the effective use of "selective memories" of patients with Alzheimer's. I remember my mother in that position and her sometimes funny, sometimes sad recollections. I personally am not there yet, and hope not to be, but I sometimes like to think of the disease as being one of nature's ways of eliminating the need to recall the negative pieces of your life. The use of the nurses to remind us that the ways we touch people during our lives is the really important thing we do. Our influence lives on through that touch. A good story; thank you for writing it.
This reads like a preamble or prologue to a longer tale of Firetop and raises questions about how a human boy could cross the elven border. I think you should write the longer fantasy and flesh out the story. Good job.
Wow! The physical pain, the emotional pain, the social pain, the spiritual pain. Most of us have no idea what it must be like to feel that chronically. Thanks for painting the picture for us.
I especially like the first two lines. I like the flow of them, how they roll off your tongue. They would be a great beginning for more of what you feel about what you could be. Ending on a positive note gives a thought more life, like the world is wide open instead of shut off.
I like this. It seems to me that the more possibilities for any condition that one can generate, the better. It suggests an openness to the Universe which, in the end, will provide the direction for the next movement that one needs to make. Good work.
There is no argument against what you say. The problem, as always, is deciding what action can be taken that will make a difference, getting "everyone" to agree on the problem and the action, getting someone to foot the bill for taking the action, and then hoping that what you've done will in fact make a difference. I'm afraid I'm a bit skeptical and pessimistic about something being done, even by our country with our current leadership, especially. Be that as it may, you've said what needs to be said in a meaningful manner. Well done.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dgranthack
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 2:47pm on Dec 26, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
