Hi and congratulations on a very well deserved 1st place!
Needless to say I enjoyed reading it!
Your turn of phrase is wonderful and the way you describe the scene, compelling. I particularly liked your description of their coming together (no pun intended!) and the ending is brilliant! Seriously didn't expect that at all!
Hope to find time to have a look around your port if this is an example of your work!
Hi!
Oh can I relate to this piece! I am happily dwelling in the land of grandparent-hood now and think it's hilarious when my girls say things to their kids that i'd said to them 20 years ago! It's fabulous!
I appreciate this has been written for the 'Cramp' comp and that typos are not taken into consideration but when you get chance, I'd really encourage you to read through it, and do an edit because this is a well written story that flows well. You paint an excellent picture of daily life with your boys. It's funny, flows well and I'm sure I am not the only parent able to relate to it. (I particularly like the ball 'accidentally' breaking 3 windows!
Good luck and thank you for making me smile!
Best wishes
Di
(PS the rating of 3 is purely because the piece will benefit from editing when you aren't under time constraints)
Most time, prison, change is not a good thing
Hi there!
Before I start I should warn you that I am not an expert in grammer, spelling or editing. I can only offer you my opinion as an avid reader. (I'm also from the UK so some of my comments may not apply in other countries)
I have to say the concept of the piece is extremely interesting. You show the reader a vivid insight into the day of a prisoner. You don't appear to be asking for sympathy or empathy, which if I'm honest, I expected.
I've picked out a few things which you may or may not want to consider.
'...(like being 5 minutes late or earlier)' would perhaps be better with the word 'early'
'...the dining hall and a GED tutor.' I've always been told that when using acronyms or abrieviations the whole 'name' should be used in the first instance with the abrieviation in brackets. What is an obvious abrieviation to you is most llikely not to your readers.
'This is our big meal for the day and usually is the best meal.' I don't think you need '...meal'
'...chili fries...' This maybe a UK English pointbut we spell 'chilli' with double 'L'
'This is the BOP’s way of making sure no one has escaped.' Again, I have no idea what BOP stands for and I really would like to know.
I personally think if you jiggled the next 2 paragraphs round, the piece would flow better. My suggestion would be:
Dinner is served from 5-6 pm and is usually the worst meal. Usually it’s a lunch meat slice of roast beef or roast pork that is often mostly fat and a ½ cup of beans. There is a veggie and some bread or rice. That’s it.
'After that is cleared we are free until 9:30 when we get counted again and the lights go out. Even then you can watch TV until midnight if you desire.'
'On Sat. the ...' It's probably best when using names for the week days, they are spelt out in full.
I hope you continue to write and that you aren't offended by my comments. I believe you have a story to tell and are capable of doing so in a way that appeals to readers.
Hi Robert! I really enjoyed this short piece and wondered whether without the constraints of comp word counts, you could or would expand the piece and take readers further into the world you've begun to create?
I am no grammer expert but I think a fullstop (period?) after '...I see agin' would be appropriate.
My other comment would be to think about changing '. and screams out in agony.' to '...cries out in anguish', purely because in my humble opinion anguish is a stronger word. I also don't think you need the very last line; again purely a personal opinion.
I will definetly be keeping an eye open for your future pieces.
Brilliant! It's very rare for me to say that, but in all honesty it's the only adjective that will do.
Your way of telling a story without giving away all the details (showing rather than telling) is very skillful.
The sentence/statement/ observation :-
Marx didn’t know a damn thing. Sex is the opiate of the masses.
works perfectly both in meaning and context to the story.
Your description of the female character, how she makes blonde hair look classy, has a tan so early in the season has doe-eyes paints a wonderful picture. I can imagine her even though you haven't said anything about her height or build.
I also appreciated the way you describe your cynicism and your foibles. Again very skillful.
This story is defiantely a fine example of erotic writing and excellent story telling. It is complete as it stands, yet has left me with so many questions and actually wanting more. It will stay with me for a long time.
Many congratulations on a very well deserved first place!
Hi and congratulations on your well deserved fist place in the Daily Flash Fiction contest.
You tell a wonderful story, giving the reader an insight into how the young mum was feeling without either telling us or giving away her intention until the very last line. You have woven the prompt words into the piece with ease. The stroy is not only compelling, but believable. To achiev all this in so few words is amazing.
I am not an expert in either spelling or grammar but I didn't spot any typos.
I can't offer any suggestions as to how this piece could be improved, other than I'd love to get to know your character more.
I found this story and although I realise its an old piece (2006) I couldn't help but offer a review after reading it! I hope you don't mind and I will have a look at some of your more recent stuff too!
I really enjoyed reading this piece. It's full of wonderful imagery and the story flows very well. You have incorporated the prompts extremely well!
I found a couple of things which you may either have already changed or might think of changing. I'm no expert so please take these comments as they are meant; friendly not critical!
Mostly I would just walk. From side to side I would meander aimlessly, exploring the woods around the road home. I knew who everyone was, and where everyone lived. Some were kinfolk. Some were friends. Especially in the early summer, it was the most fun to "walk the mail”. This works well but the last sentence is either in the wrong place or not needed at all. Rearranging the sentence might help the structure.
edge of the road.It was Paulie Combs’ grandpa. space between road and It
I ran up beside him, smiling conspiratorially. This is probably my ignorance more than anything else, but, I don't like the last word. It's a perfectly correct word, but it's very hard to read and get my tongue round (even in my head!)
You interchange 'you' and 'ya'. I personally feel that the tone of this story will quite easily take 'ya' as the most commom form to use. Other than when Grandpa is telling Bud to run get the mail, I think 'ya' will work best.
yet. I didn’t care at the moment rather than the full stop (?period) after yet, use a comma followed by but. I personally feel the sentence would flow more easily.
As I said at the beginning of this review, it's so full of fabulous imagery, I had to pick a few bits out for particular attention!
His grizzled, wrinkle-strewn face was the closest thing to leather I had ever known. His smile could light up the whole county. Is simply brilliant. It paints a perfect picture of your character!
Mommie was going to be mad as a wet hen I have never heard this phrase/ saying before, but it made me giggle and I love it!
I appreciate this is an old piece, but once again, I really had fun reading it!
A lovely well written story without being overly sentimental! Congratulations on your win. It is well deserved.
I spotted a couple of minor typos but these don't detract from the story. I'm not an sditor or proofreader and am not brilliant at grammar, so please take these as they are meant, and if you don't agree, then leave your piece as it stands. It's your story!
Thirty-something years later and she still love getting mail. > .... loves getting mail
She caught is just as it was starting to float towards the ground. > .... just as it was starting ...
There are many wonderful sentences and phrases, but I think my favourite is :-
The sun shone bright the next day and the light snowfall glistened with its dazzling rays.
This is a wonderful story! You paint a very clear picture of the whole scene, and to do so in so few words is a skill indeed! It flows so well, is paced perfectly and I found no typos or grammatical errors.
There are many excellent lines, but the first line :- The wind was fierce; howling louder than a newborn as Jessica pulled the heavy oak door closed behind her. raised my expectations as to what would follow. Excellent description! I was not disappointed!
I wish you every success in the contest and look forward to reading more of your work.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading your story. It's gentle, erotic and very believable. I spotted a couple of tyos and possible grammatical errors but they didn;t detradt in anyway from the story. I especially liked the way you address the reader tapping on the screen. Wonderful and original.
Congratulations on a very well written story.
Regards
Di
Congratulations on your first place in the Cramp contest!
I smiled my way through your story and although as a Brit, I have no idea what tackle football is, I could see your daughter and her friends defying the teachers and playing the game as they wanted!
I didn't spot any typos or grammatical errors and i really can't offer any suggestions as to how this piece could be improved.
It made me smile and therefore completely met the prompt!
Congratulations again
Regards
Di
Congratulations on your well deseerved first place in the contest! What a wonderful story. I really saw Sarah struggling to get her game piece! Having a (very nearly) three year old grandson, I truly felt her mum's need to give Sarah her wish. I have no idea whether the game you descrobe is real, but if it isn't it should be!
I didn't spot any typos or grammatical errors and truly can't suggest anything to improve this story.
Thank you for sharing this piece of writing. The beginning says much of what I believe. This time of year has become so commercialised, I don't enjoy it any more. I've tried to teach my kids the more spiritual side of Christmas, and think I've managed to some degree. I intend to share this story with them.
I got a bit confused by the dates/days. You start with 15th December 1952, go find a tree and the next day, you say is 20th december. (Though I might have missed something!)
Your description of the kitchen and making ornaments while cooking is happening is beautiful and I love the idea of your sister still riding the sleigh!
This is simply wonderful! It's so good to read a piece relating to what I personally believe to be, the origins of many of our celebrations at this time of year.
Your piece flows exceptionally well and tells a fabulous story. I have no suggestions as to how this piece could be improved, other than to say that I hope, if you haven't already done so, you will find a way to share this with a much wider audience.
Regards
Di
Congratulations not only the first place, but on the imaginative way you used what seemed to me to be impossible words! The story flows incredibly well and you got the words from the prompt in effortlessly (though I'm sure it was far from effortless!)
A superb story and a very well deserved winner! The imagery is wonderful, from the brothers' fears when their sister was sick, to Teddy's horror when he realised what the rope Jake had chosen for the swing, had been used for initially. It's difficult to pick out any lines which stand out, as each word is of worth and adds to the over all piece, but the line
'It’s just a rope – nothin’ more. You can use a gun to kill someone or put meat on the table. It depends how ya use it.”
is not only powerful, it's so very true, and not something I had consciously considered. I do howevercompletely understand Teddy's conviction to buy a new rope for Daisy's swing!
This is very emotional and therefore heartfelt. I like the imagery of the angels and your conviction they are with you, supporting you and will help you through whatever is causing you this pain.
As it's so emotional, I am reluctant to offer any suggestions for ammending it, but I hope that when you are able to view this rationally, you'll do a read through and maybe make a few small changes.
Having said that, as it's so personal, perhaps it should be left as it stands.
Sorry I've not been much help, but I enjoyed reading it. Thank you.
I did not see the ending to this piece at all. I was wondering whether Angela was in jail, and then whether Marianne was about to do some dasteredly deed to poor Angela! I was totally drawn in to it! A very well deserved first palce! I'm amazed that you could come up with characters with such depth in the space of 24 hours (Well lees, cos who's awke 24 hours a day? lol)
I picked a couple of points which, if you have the time and/or inclination, you might want to look at though I completely accept this is not the point of this contest.
but it not longer >> ?no longer
exposed her small naked damp frame >> ?comma after small.
This is hilarious! I could just imagine Humpty and Blue, kicking back, smoking weed and drinking cheap liquor and I completely understand why he felt it necessary to change his name!
Well duh! First of all whoever heard of a horse being able to practice medicine? And the king's men aren't any more capable in that area; they're guards, not doctors!
has to be the best line I've read in a long time! Fantastic!
What a fantastic idea! I had intended to join Nanowrimo, but I have a story I've started and want to work on this. As my time is very limited and I'd also like to keep entering the WQC, this seems like the ideal opportunity to do both! ( and look after my grandsons, as well as have time to eat and sleep occasionally!) I'd told my hubby I'd changed my mind about taking part because of family stuff but now, I'm really looking forward to getting started.
Brilliant! A well deserved first place! Congratulations! How you came up with such a great story in such a short time escapes me. It flows so well and the tension and, description work extremely well. To add to the quality of the story, I didn't spot any grammatical errors either. Very impressive.
Congratulations again.
Regards
Di
I stumbled acroos this while looking for something else and I'm so pleased I did!
It's a very well thought out and written article. As one who writes erotica as well as reads and watches porn, I can't agree with your argument more. Whenever I tell people what I write, and I certainly don't make a secret of it, I always get asked if it's personal experience or whether I practice what I write. My response is always to ask if I wrote murder stories, would they always ask if I had practiced first?
I have been fortunate enough to work with actors who work in the erotic market and all were perfectly aware of what they were getting into and were enjoying the financial rewards of their craft.
As in all walks of life there will be people who are exploited but again, as you so aptly point out, child labour is endemic and manufacturers would claim necessary, in order to supply us as consumers with goods at a price we are willing to pay. This is far more abhorent than porn.
Sorry, I seem to have written a rant of my own, rather than a review, but in all honesty, I can not offer any constructive points that woould improve your piece.
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