Hi Bentonar,
I thought I'd come give you a quick going over on your story. Anyone who has seen me on these pages will know I rate honesty over spared feelings so here is my honesty:
You have a good base idea. You also have a lack of proper punctuation that leads to your story being extremely difficult to read - there is no real 'flow' to it. This is mainly evident in your second paragraph which consists of a sentance of approx. 40 words. Read it aloud to yourself and add in sentance breaks etc. when appropriate.
I honestly believe if you take the time to re-work this one you can make a good idea into a really great short-story - A novel if you are feeling ambitious? Tell us who this man really is and why he has so many questions and such a distaste for the people that ended up helping him.
I just read your story and wanted to explain why I only gave it 2 stars.
I think you have a good basis for a story here but that's all it seems to be. It is very basic. The dialogue sounds a bit forced and unrealistic. Your characters have no real feel to them. They are cardboard cutouts!
I hope you apprciate the fact that I think you have the chance to make an excellent story out of a basic idea here. Have you considered re-writing it and expanding upon it slightly? I think it would be worth it.
Peter,
I thought I would return the favour
I think you're story here is excellent. It reads really well and the use of dialogue is great, not overdone (it looked daunting at first!)
There's just a couple of things: you got your tenses mixed up a bit on one line "He doesn’t quite understand what her words meant" - this should be 'didn't' or 'means' to read properly.
The other thing is you have missed of your speech marks on a couple of lines (I ove findind this in novels I'm reading!) "Thanks, she mutters" and the line below or near by.
Generally I like it and your characterisation is good. I finished reading wondering what would happen to them now and what their full history is - which to me says care. Let me know if you decide to finish it fully.
Sidenot: I've changed and updated my short story, Eternally Yours, if you fancy comparing?
Keep it up
Nikki
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dizzy_always
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 5:47am on Dec 27, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
