 
Jeremy, this is a review of Chapter One of your novel, "I: Wraith," that you won as part of your package in the Simply Positive Auction.
 STORY ELEMENTS
Genre
The choice of the fantasy, sci-fi, and war genres are an interesting combo. While the fantasy and war elements of this story are clearly seen and understood from the first page of this chapter, the sci-fi aspect appears in two ways that I can tell. One, with regard to the rhenn energy, and two, with the creation of the world the story takes place in, and the Empire. However, from your writing, I am certain that other aspects of fantasy and science fiction will appear, and with the same clarity.
Title/Description
The title, "I: Wraith," is probably an appropriate one, but at this stage, I can't really tell because nothing I read in this first chapter gives me any indication of the meaning of the title, unless it is referring to the "wraiths" of energy from the rhenn or from "HE who grows stronger, who is in Isabarra's mind." If it refers to him, then it makes perfect sense.
The description line gives a hint of the problem, the conflict and the action to come. Either way, combined with the title, it will entice the reader's senses.
Story POV & Voice
I've always preferred Multiple POV's in a story or an epic as large as this. Multiple POV's create a lot of advantages in the telling of it, and in the action scenes. You move between Isabarra and Gennrik with no head hopping detected, and the POV flows well throughout. You used separate paragraphs for the viewpoint changes and they too flowed smoothly. In my opinion, you have an easy narration voice which makes reading this type of story much more enjoyable than some fantasy/sci-fi novels, whose voices have a more gritty sound to them.
Story Structure/Pacing/Tension
Chapter One has a beginning, middle, and end to it. You have set-up this chapter very well, introducing us to your main characters, either in "person" or in name, and you have told us of the main conflict they face through the tale. You've set your POV to be able to tell the story from more than one viewpoint, and that is always a good thing in a story such as this one. The structure seems to be solid from page one, and the chapter is wrapped up at the end of it with the hook, making me want to continue to the next chapter. Honestly, I don't see much of anything needed in this first chapter. It's as if this has been editing numerous times, to have such a fine point to it.
The pacing of this story starts a bit slower, but I do see the need for this because of its complexity. If you had tried to speed it up from the first word, it would have been a tougher read for me (again, because of the names, places, characters, etc, in a large epic). However, the pacing picks up considerably after the first few paragraphs and stays at a comfortable flow. The tension was good throughout the story, but it didn't increase until the last few paragraphs prior to the attack, yet even that felt "right." Commendable work here, Jeremy!
Plot/Setting
The setting is this sci-fi/fantasy world of Bhesen and the world of The Empire. You've created a complete world for this story, with cities, characters, and conflict that begins to come to life quite well in this first chapter, although I admit, it is a complex story. Remembering many names, places, and objects do require a bit of breathing space in order to absorb them into memory, so I benefitted by a second read through.
This is an intriguing plot. Without giving away the story, I will say that the idea of the rhenn and the Sarhenn that are skilled in its use, reminded me a bit of "The Force" and the Jedi, in some basic aspect. You *can't* go wrong with this. This type of story and it's overall feeling is what makes our spirits soar! It seems to be a story of hope and determination, along with the passion and honor of your characters that drives the tale. Within your plot lies this "boy" Isabarra speaks of, and his importance to their mission. The question of whether or not he will be able to command the rhenn in a more efficient way gives hints to the conflict they face. And will "HE" get the boy from Isabarra? I want to turn the page and find out.
Characters
There are already several characters introduced in this first chapter. Isabarra is perhaps the strongest of them. As a mystic and leader, I saw all the attributes necessary for her to be convincing as this person of Consal. Gennrik gives her a run for his money when it comes to being strong, loyal and level-headed. They are both excellent characters in every way. I was drawn to them both. And most importantly, they seem quite real, and I believed in them as people in the story, rather than a cardboard character with no life to them. You did a wonderful job with these two characters, no doubt!
You also interspersed the information about them within the paragraphs in an interesting way, and through dialogue. My curiosity about them was peaked. I saw no areas of straight info dump. And in the few areas you gave limited information, I was, as a reader, able to "fill in the blanks" using my own imagination. But of course, there were few blank areas.
Khemrissa was the only character that didn't seem fully exposed to me. In other words, she was real enough to me, but yet still lacked "something" Isabarra and Gennrik have. Probably because of her inexperience and youth causing me to feel that way, but I take it this was a technique you used so that she can evolve more intensely later.
Kivallen is the mystery. He is supposedly, "one of them," yet in some ways but their own descriptions of him, he seems like an enemy! Interesting, indeed. And the one who speaks to Isabarra in her mind, which I've called "HE or HIM" in this review, is the biggest mystery of all. Who is HE?
Dialogue
I have to say that the dialogue in this story is spot on for the characters. Each one sounds so natural and unique. I'd love to find something not so perfect to say about it, Jeremy, but quite frankly, this is one of the best uses of dialogue I've seen in a while. The dialogue on top of being life-like and realistic, really moves this plot forward without the bordom of info dump or over telling. Again, the only one I felt a little cheated on is Khemrissa. I know she doesn't know everything, and isn't supposed to yet, but she has said little in the way of the conflict they face. I would have loved to heard more from her, but I'm sure we will as we read on.
The Overall Feeling
Once again, the feeling I got while reading this was a feeling of loyalty to each other, and a united determination to remove the conflict in their world regarding "Him," the rhenn from the Empire's control, and even Kivallen's agenda. It is a bit "dark," if you will, at first, but as you read through the chapter, it becomes less oppressive and even a bit more hopeful, even in the midst of an attack. I know there will be more dark moments, but I can see light at the end of this fight.
Punctuation/Grammar
I saw nothing in the way of grammatical errors or missing punctuation. I didn't nit pick and look at every line in detail to see if there were any, but nothing grabbed my attention in this manner, so, well done. Your story "looks" clean.
FINAL COMMENTS
I liked that you didn't use the "he said/she said" speech tags, and that you used qualifying remarks upon occasion. This really moves the story along in a wonderful pace and flow. I think the non-usage of speech tags is understated. As with all your description, it is vivid and well written. But again, I personally prefer a little less. Less is more in my book.
All I can say is, I don't usually read this type of story, YET, it was an excellent read and a compelling one at that! I'm interested in these characters and their problems. And that's not an easy thing to get me to say since my reading tastes are a bit different within these categories.
This shows a lot of time and effort went into this writing. Great work here!
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| (3.5)
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "
The plot was a standard Trek episodic premise, exploring the galaxy, as well as other missions, but you made this plot an original one by combining original Trek with elements from the Next Generation series. I don't want to give it away for anyone who might read this, but the surprise ending was *perfect.* Very creative!
Welcome to WDC from "
