Excellent story. I am so glad you added the link to the FB post.
Technical: the paragraph beginning with "And Suddenly I realized..." Second sentence - " It was because my father and had saved their lives out here, " There seems to be a word or two missing which would add meaning to the rest of the sentence.
I really found this to be an engaging story. You have written in a manner that draws the reader in and holds the attention making them grasp for more.
Thank you for the honor of reading your work. I look forward to experiencing more in the future.
Interesting acrostic. I especially find it fascinating that you not only started each line with a letter that going down spell a word, but ended each line with a letter that going down spells a different word.
Technical: The poem doesn't seem to have a real flow to it making it easy to move from line to line. The capitalized letters at the end of each word, while fascinating what you did, were a bit distracting.
My over all feel for this poem is good. I like the concept you used and what you were trying to say.
I do thank you for the honor of reading your work and I look forward to reading more. Keep up the good work and thank you for posting here on WDC.
Technically: The story started dry and seemed to cool of while reading it. It was almost like reading a text book.
When I saw this link on the FB post and read the title and read the brief description I thought I was going to read some type of time travel adventure story. I felt let down in the first few sentences. A few places left me confused and re-reading to see if I missed something. It was like being on the outside of an inside joke.
I believe if you re-work this and give them names early on, going into detail about what time period they are in, what time period they actually came form and why they are there the story would bring the reader in and keep the attention. Let the characters tell their story.
I would love to see what else could be done with this. In fact I could see this kind of a story as either a group of short stories with the couples adventures or even a full-length novel. Thank you for the honor of reading your work. I look forward to more.
Technical: First paragraph ~ having Get Back capitalized throws thing off a bit. I would suggest lower case and using quotation marks to set the words out.
This is a great story and I find it difficult to believe you are that old. You could do so many takes from this and create other stories as well as elaborating on this one.
Only thing is the change of tense. It was fine that you started in first person and then began describing the people in the scene. It was implied that you were the writer. You could have left it till the end in third person and it would have been fine. All-in-all a very nice read.
Your options, however, seem to be generated to get the poll-taker to vote the way you want them to vote. It has a sense that you confused the latter options just to be able to use the entire amount possible. It is okay to have polls with only 3 or 4 option.
I honestly voted just to see what the results were to this point. I personally feel it depends on the story and how it is woven whether or not throw-aways work well to start the story.
This is an interesting topic and I do hope you get your desired results. Thank you for sharing this with us.
Options are adequate. However, you could delete one of the "NONE OF THE ABOVE"s.
You are a Newbie. Sometimes people gift you things even GP's for some reason or other. The best thing is to just say "Thank You". If they gift anonymously, you can say thank you on your bio-block, handle, etc.
Thank you for the opportunity to participate. I wish you the best on WDC.
As I started reading, I was - Wow, can I go there. I'd like to spend some time and bask in the inspiration.
Continuing, my visions changed. Can we say, "Where is Walt Disney when you need him"? I watched in my mind as the words flowed through the images were as a Disney film.
This is tantalizing and exquisite. Sweet and pure. All of me enjoyed this tale.
Good luck in the contest.
Thank you as always for allowing me to experience your vast talent.
Options are adequate, except you misspelled Mr. Gretzky's name.
Only problem - Can't I vote for both? I am not a hokey fan, but I know great players. Both were astronomical in their own ways. I voted for Mr. Gretzky only because he was first listed. However, they both get my vote.
I originally reviewed this for Welcome Wagon Writing Competition. However, that contest seems to have gone away. I am glad though, that I had the chance to read this.
First technical – “giving her a vague idea of what lied before her.” -- ‘lied’ should be ‘lie’
“the room was as sty…” – should this be “a sty”?
Intense and powerful.
Dramatic and descriptive.
I read from the edge of my seat and the edge of my mind. Given the title, I expected the number seven to show up in many places. It did.
This story stands well on its own. While very descriptive, it still leaves much to the readers’ imagination. This could be lengthened and added to, as well. Perhaps it could even become ‘Chapter Seven’ in a novel or novella.
I really enjoyed this story. Thank you for sharing your talents.
Technical: I noted not problems in this area. Everything flows well.
You have captured in rhyme what most folks dance with in life.
I was brought to thoughts of my grandmother and how she must have felt at times. Though I am only 42, I have no reason to complain of age as she would have in her golden years.
First technical: Your rating should be at least 18+ considering at least one expletive you use.
“They almost always meant “not now, not ever.” “ “Pow, right in the kisser.” -- Maybe use italics or something else here to differentiate instead of quotes. It seems to close to the quote and can be distracting.
End of about the seventh paragraph you have too many quotes. You should either combined them or separate then with action or how the words are spoken or something.
“So he didn’t see Jack to often. “ -- should be too instead of to.
“Nate stayed contained. “ -- remained might read easier than stayed.
“In his head he could hear a the weighty sounds of a dirge. “ -- should this be ‘a’ or ‘the’?
It would also be easier to read if there were definite separation between paragraphs and other lines.
What a powerful piece. I hope this is not a true story, but the manifesto of perceived actions in a vivid imagination. Having been an adolescent counselor and coming from a very dysfunctional family myself I can see the tragedy. The father was berated as a child for his dreams and then trying hard not to be his father he instead desired to live vicariously through his son and superimpose his own dreams in him. When that didn’t work because Nate was very different the Jack turned into worse than his father.
One moment. All it takes is one moment and you can determine the course of the rest of your life or relationship.
This is a very well spoken story of a boy becoming a boy. Sent away to become a man, Jim finds his way to become the boy he hasn’t had a chance to be.
This is a question many have asked. Jim wanted an answer but instead seemed to find himself in a game with two strangers.
I entered this story with one mindset and came out the end of it with revelation. You have entered into the mind of a young man who is searching for a place to belong and made his story so real and personal that the reader has no choice but to go along for the ride.
First a few technical issues: Fifth paragraph typo – don’t need the ‘e’ in witch’s
Sixth paragraph typo – ransom – no ‘e’ at the end
Ninth paragraph typo – mesmerized - with 'z' instead of 's'.
Eleventh paragraph typo – materialized - with 'z' instead of 's'.
Interesting twist on the age old ghost stories that materialize this time of year. Just given the title I expected something different. I don’t generally indulge in this type of story but the difference brought me in and your intense descriptions held me in captivity.
It has been a while I know since i have delved into "Lisa Lansing". I know you have added to it and I long to completely read your wonderful work. I aim to take a weekend to spend with Lisa.
This poem is another amazing piece of work produced by your heart and your pen.
There is so much depth and information in a short piece.
I like the way you always give an introduction regarding where this sits in the book. It is an intriguing way to pull someone from reading a poem to reading the complete work.
Thank you again and again for the privilege to experience your amazing work.
Second, I am not a chocolate person. I only read this piece hoping it would give me better insight to my many chocoholic friends. I thought they just ravished any piece of chocolate they came in contact with. Color me wrong.
This is an amazing journey as we watch one person enjoy what brings them great pleasure. Surprises and utter gratification in a small square box.
Thank you, as always, for the honor.
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