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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dmcarroll
Review Requests: OFF
62 Public Reviews Given
62 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Kind. We are all writers from the heart. It is from the heart that I review. I will not poke holes in your work. Your story is yours to tell. I will, however, offer craft suggestions.
I'm good at...
I look for author's craft. Opportunities for you to use figurative language to immerse your reader, and structure suggestions to keep the reader from putting your story down.
Favorite Genres
Dark, Fantasy, Science Fiction.
Least Favorite Genres
Non-fiction, erotic.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of The Winners  Open in new Window.
Review by DMCarroll Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+

Your opening is intriguing. It has a clear voice, the speaker is identified. I love first person narratives because they invite you to get to know your character. I wonder how you feel about ending the first paragraph with your question rather than including the pricey/worth it statement.

I wonder also if the speaker would use the word "Beckoned" and "especially sweet". In this paragraph, those phrases seemed a little out of place. Is your character/speaker formal or informal? The word "Beckoned" feels not quite right. Try some variation of "Calls to me" or "invites me". These phrases seem more informal and balanced with the voice you are creating.

You gave me two paragraphs to get to know your voice and then thrust me into the story. I think you may want to either remove the two-sentence paragraph where you were traveling or give me more about the trip. Your character sounds like he would meticulously pack his equipment. When you add "A few months later", I was expected a conflict line, something that got in the way of the trip. Since there is nothing stopping the trip, maybe remove the "A few months later" and add a line about packing, or acquiring a new lens (just a suggestion).

"We dispersed to our rooms in the hotel." This sentence may need some tweaking or be removed all together. This is one of those opportunities where you can immerse your reader, help them understand that the character is anxious, fatigued, excited, etc.

Also "we"? (from the same sentence as above and the next paragraph. So far you have only introduced me to one character. I would rephrase this to "I" if you are not going to give me another character to get to know, or "The tour group." Since your character does not engage with any other member of the tour while taking photos, you may want to refrain from using "We."

"After a week, I looked at my photos on the flight home." What about expanding this to help me understand how the speaker feels about the trip. Something like, "After an amazing week I was headed home. On the flight, I was able to really look at my photos." Also, what about the rest of the unusable photos. Will the speaker hold on to them or delete them, tuck them away for safe keeping?

You used the word 'got' multi times in a row. Try some variety. "The credit card was overcharged and the trip turned out to cost more than I expected. If I paid it all at once, I wouldn't have..."

I really like the contrast in characters between Alexandra and the speaker. While her character is a little forced and over exaggerated, it does help your speaker express his anxiety clearly.

When your character is describing the cheetah photo and how he took it, I would like to have heard more from him. I suggest spending more time building up the moment. Help me understand that this moment was an exceptional and a time that our character will never forget by elongating the dialogue.

" stuck up dick, " Is this a typo? She may be stuck up, but it seems out of place and out of character for the speaker to have thought she was a 'dick'.

Ending with the moral of the story is an interesting technique.

The biggest piece of advice I can give you is to watch your word choice. Spend some time creating word lists that allow you to identify the depth of meaning or connotation of words.

Also, vary sentence length and type. By watching the structure of your sentences (simple, complex, etc.), you can create emotion and set the readers pace.

I really like the first person narrative and look forward to reading a re-write of this story.


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2
2
Review of Son or Daughter  Open in new Window.
Review by DMCarroll Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Beautifully rhymed. I get the sense that this describes your life and that you are giving the reader snapshot pictures into your world. It is like watching a slide show. What that your intention?


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3
3
Review by DMCarroll Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
You have a wonderful writing style. This short story was almost romantic and emotional.

The characters are well developed and believable. I could feel deeply the naivety of Nella and her longing to find a connection with another person.

I had almost hoped that there could be any other outcome than Aleithaz's having to feed on her, and you conveyed that same desire in the characters. I think that helped to solidify the ending. Even though I would loved to have seen a happy ending, this was the best ending for this story.

The pace was perfect. You wasted no time in getting Nella into the cave and then spent the needed time to build the relationship between Nella and Aleithaz.

Grammar is not my strong area, but this seemed very clean. I can tell you have taken great pains in editing to polish this story.

I am curious if there is a bigger story here. You have created a backstory and world worth exploring. There could be a larger story for Aleithaz.


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4
4
Review of The Snow Maiden  Open in new Window.
Review by DMCarroll Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like the mystic here. At the onset of the story, I was not sure of the direction. The imagery in your writing is excellent and almost haunting. I felt that the story could go in many directions from Darkly Romantic to spooky. You developed the rhythm of the story into a dreamy romance.

The pacing is perfect. You did not lead me too quickly to the climax and you did not end too soon.

The point of view is seemed to switch briefly and that lead to a moment of confusion.

There were no grammatical errors that caused me to pause in reading. I am not the best editor (Grammarly is my friend).

Overall, this is a lovely, darkly romantic story (there is no better type).


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5
5
Review of Death at the Door  Open in new Window.
Review by DMCarroll Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is an interesting scene of a soul meeting death. You can do a lot from here or leave this as a stand alone. The basic plot of death taking the soul is met. You have left a few questions (I am sure you are aware) about how he died, why, and ultimately what happens to his wife. I assume this is because of the word limit you were trying to achieve.

I would love to see what you can do with this without a word limit.

Your perspective (point of view) is perfect. A true first person, would have spoiled the stories surprises. On the other hand, it would have been interesting to have Johnson a little (more) confused when he first woke up would have helped foreshadow his death.

I enjoy foreshadowing a lot. I feel this is an essential part of writing in a Dark Genre. The only question I have is the use of the maggots in the fridge. It seems a little out of place if the wife had just killed her husband. Perhaps explaining how Death touched these items and then they had maggots would clear this (just a suggestion).

Your writing style is suited to the dark and macabre. You do show skills in foreshadowing (imperative in setting up suspense) and writing without being grotesque in your descriptions (also important in my opinion).

I am not a good editor (Grammarly is my friend), but your work appeared very clean and clear of any blatant grammar errors.

Keep writing.


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6
6
Review by DMCarroll Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This has promise. I am curious how you will write this story from this point. You have set up a kingdom, history, and mythical creatures combined with the macabre of vampires.

I must admit that the second half was easier to read than the first. The language of the character which is heavily accented can become difficult to read. That being said, the second half included a lot of internal dialogue. This may have been improved by either limiting the internal dialogue or changing the Point of View to a true first person telling from Zahilla.

The plot is interesting. I would be curious to read more. You have raised enough questions to keep me turning the pages so I can find out more.

Grammar is my weakness (Grammarly is my best friend). I did not pay attention to this in the second half. However, in the earlier edited part, I did find a couple of sentences you may want to take a look at.
1. "The usual speech had now begun and as if a flame had been snuffed out both mother and child they closed off their ears and a sort of boredom fell over the crowd." This seems to need a comma or two, or maybe would benefit from being re-written in to two separate sentences.
2. "Fore boding doom continues to wash over Zahilla" I believe this should be Foreboding.

Overall: You have piqued my interest. You have combined a lot of elements that have not been tried together, and I am curious where you will take the story.


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7
7
Review of Coffee Bleeds Red  Open in new Window.
Review by DMCarroll Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I love dark imagery. Thank you for using the classics to foreshadow death and doom. Whether intentional or not, the red mug breaking prepared me for the blood you later had on the floor in the kitchen. These are little techniques are little used now-a-days.

I felt the intensity you must have experienced in writing this short story. It felt as though it were a dreamscape or nightmare.

Beginning, middle, and end is evenly balanced. I felt you moved the story along at a very good pace.

I am terrible at grammar (Grammarly is my best friend), so no feedback there. However, you may want to read through. Is Tamp the name of the place? "cool 73 degrees on that sunny Tamp morning,"

Overall, I am eager to troll through your profile. I enjoy the macabre.


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8
8
Review of Memories Immortal  Open in new Window.
Review by DMCarroll Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
What an interesting, thought-provoking idea for a character. You an absolutely infinite number of stories and a variety of points of views you can take.

I like the philosophy behind the immortal, the boredom, and the cycle of unending learning, relearning, etc. You do manage to punctuate a beginning and middle without actually ending the immortal existence.

Suggestions: None. Since your genre indicated that this was a philosophy, I was not expecting this to include a story line; however, if you wanted to, you could set up scenes which illustrate the different cycles of the immortals life.


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9
9
Review by DMCarroll Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I love stories. This has great elements of fantasy and science fiction. You have managed to narrate a lot of description and history into this short story. I like the well, thought out culture and characters. You gave a lot of information in a short time about the Pern and the characters.

I felt like you had a lot of telling in this story. I would like to have heard more dialogue between characters. This would have helped to show the mating desire between the captain and Brylla, and also to show the landing sights and sounds. You could have used this technique to build up the climax before Prell's final attack.

ON A SIDE NOTE: I have been re-reading stories about the Dragonriders of Pern by Anne McCaffrey. This threw me for a moment in the beginning of your story.

Keep Writing.


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10
10
Review of FOREVER  Open in new Window.
Review by DMCarroll Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
At the start, I thought this should be a poem. You have created a descriptive march through time. Revealing only in the end that the narrator is a self-aware machine. As the story progressed, I felt the shift from a beginning young world to almost an intimate relationship with one man as he aged and finally died. The growth of the machine was noted in the shift in writing style. (I am not sure if the change in writing style was intentional or not).

The first person Point of View is ideal in this story, as you are reciting those observations of the machine.

Suggestions: It felt like the beginning was set in a rhythm and then it stopped. As I mentioned, this would be an incredible poem (just my personal opinion), and when the rhythm moved into a narrative story about Jonathan, I felt the shift in style. My suggestion would be to make sure the style is the same in the beginning and the end.

Keep Writing!


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11
11
Review of The Flawed Gods  Open in new Window.
Review by DMCarroll Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I am excited by the premise of an immortal protector. This short story is a great opener for either a graphic novel or novel. I can tell you have more to tell. It reminds me a little of a Dark Comic's character.

May I suggest that you blend the narration and some dialogue. Starting with the dialogue in the beginning and then moving to straight narration caused me to become slightly confused, almost as though these parts were written by two different people.

The writing was clear, clean, and by staggering the sentence length, I feel like you were able to convey the scenes without causing me to have to re-read the sentences to understand what was happening.

Small request: I am weak in the eyes, and the small font was hard to focus on. It would be helpful if this were just a little (not a lot) larger than it is.


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12
12
Review by DMCarroll Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
If I have not said it before in previous feedback, I really like what you have created. I am eager to see if you have a finished product published.

Your writing style is very enjoyable and humorous. This is not a style I am able to pull off, but you do very well.

Keep writing,

DM


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13
13
Review by DMCarroll Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Teasing with tidbits! I am enthralled and cannot wait to see what you do with this. Is this published?

You certainly have created a fascinating character. The supporting characters and dialogue really allow for Michael's humor and personality to shine.

I hope to read more.


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14
14
Review by DMCarroll Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
It took me some time to find this at the bottom of the list of stories about Michael, but I found the larger project I was hoping you were writing with this character.

This was an interesting opening and it moved along fast. I love the action scenes with Michael because it really showcases his sense of humor.

Obviously, this Harry is not the Harry from the "Stronger than Rage" story. I really am enjoying the mystical creatures.

SUGGESTION: (take it or leave it, it is just a suggestion) I would love to have "Seen" more mythical creatures drinking at the bar through Michael's eyes. You could have included the good and some bad.

LOVE THIS: "Said 'Happy Sweet Sixteen WDC'?"


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15
15
Review by DMCarroll Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
More fun with Michael. I am really enjoying this character (if you have not figured this out by now). I like the action and the introduction of the Mystical creature he is fighting.

Question: Was this intentional? “Welp, it’s been fun!” Or did you mean "Well, it's been fun!"?

Kyle should not be forgotten. Though his memory is whipped, I think a repeat scene with this character would be fun. Kyle is just the sort of "Straight man" that Michael needs to come across from time to time.

You keep writing, I will keep reading.

DM


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16
16
Review of The Ghostly Heart  Open in new Window.
Review by DMCarroll Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I love this character you have created. Michael is sarcastic and comical. I find his fearlessness reminiscent of "Han Solo" character (yes, I just referenced Star Wars. I am a Sci-Fi Nerd).

About half-way through, I was questioning your use of First Person Point of View, but that ended when Michael began to narrate to me and fill in the "blanks."

I see by your portfolio that you have spent time building this character. I hope you intend a larger project for him.

Keep writing,
DM


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17
17
Review by DMCarroll Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is fantastic! I loved the interaction between Henry and the Red man in the beginning and was never confused by the dialogue, which can happen when not written clearly. You have done a wonderful job of showing the action that happened prior to this scene with being grotesque. I felt the humor in the Wizard, Michael, and would love to read more about this character.

I can offer no critical feedback, as this short story is perfect just the way it is. Only, I would love more. I would love to read more about the Wizard. Michael is fantastic.

Thank you,
DM


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18
18
Review of Train Wreck  Open in new Window.
Review by DMCarroll Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.0)
I want to first apologize. Yours is the first I have read and reviewed in over 6 months. For reasons of my own, I have been absent from writing.com.

Overall Impression: You intrigued me with your early descriptions of the train wreck and how you cycled in to the main character (yourself?) and your panic. I was further drawn in as your story grew to include the town, firefighters, and neighbors. The story seemed to crest early and I felt there was an ending that was left dangling. You did, however, complete the story by flashing forward to the future and the safety of the children and the question of what chemically damaged patients really means.

Suggestions: I would love to see more clearly the message you were writing. If this story was related to the lack of information about chemical damaged brains, you might want to write in a character which displayed the results of the damage. If this story was, in contrast, about the families survival, you might want to have include someone else's tragedy to emphasize the good fortune of the children and mother.

Please take what you will from my suggestions and leave the rest.

Thank you for sharing this story. Keep writing.


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19
19
Review by DMCarroll Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Riveting!

I will confess to you that I am personally in the throes of some personal dilemma which has me away from my computer more than on it, and so when I checked the status of this review and the length of your story, I nearly turned away and let it expire.

But, the first few words captured me. Once I was into the church and attending service with your characters I even turned down the volume of the News which I had on in the same room so I could better hear your story. (Yes, when I read I actually hear it).

I had a tear in my eye for the way the parishioners were treating the laborer who sought to hear the word or God, and I welled with anger at Virginia. How dare she be so unwelcoming. In many ways, I identified with that feeling of being the outcast during mass.

Your story took a turn and I was unsure for a moment why the Padre was so accommodating to perform confession at that moment until I heard the argument. (very well written dialogue).

I understood quickly that the two men were brothers and that one had stolen the others life, but I did have to reread a couple of sentences to clearly understand that the brother who had stolen the life of his brother had stolen it again in the end. (by the time I got to this point in the story, I was reading so fast that it began to get confusing).

I cannot tell you the anger that I felt when I realized your ending. Not because it was bad, but because I believed it. I felt the anguish. I felt the horror that Virginia must have experienced.

Do not change a thing. This piece is wonderfully written.


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20
20
Review of It's Too Late  Open in new Window.
Review by DMCarroll Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Please remember to take any opinion with a grain of salt. It is only an opinion. When we write, we should always write what interests us so the passion shines through.

First Opinion: I love the idea of this story. My favorite writing subjects center around the end of the world, morbid though that may be.

The writing felt a little broken up in the beginning, possibly repetitive in the desire to offer Kevin the lawyer. I thought in the early paragraphs that you were going to tell me that Kevin raped/killed rather than just groped the victims. There seemed to be a somber/severe mood earlier on that did not equal the offence.

I am curious where you attained your interview techniques. My understanding (based completely on American police TV) is that there is less offering of a lawyer after the rights have been read and more trying to get the perpetrator to admit guilt.

I love the science you presented. You obviously did some research here. It was believable and touches on one of the fears people have about scientist and those experiments.

P.O.V.: I love playing with point of view until I find just the right one for any piece. If I can suggest a rewrite to a First person told from the detective's point of view. This would allow all the description about Kevin to be told from an inner monologue and would allow the reader to be the detective and more involved with the story progression.

Grammar: I am not the person to have as an editor, it is a weakness of mine, but this seemed clean.

Overall: I did enjoy this. The title is what drew me in, and as I said before this is one of my favorite subjects. I think it is fascinating how many ways we as writers can destroy the Earth.

I want to say again, this is just my opinion and you are free to take what you want from my suggestions and leave the rest. We are writers and are allowed to hold to our belief that what we have written is what we meant to write.


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21
21
Review of Grandfather  Open in new Window.
Review by DMCarroll Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I love when passion shines through.

First Impression: I LOVED THIS PIECE. You have put into one piece of work an entire history of colonization, the concerns over computer intelligence, and a simple love story. I am humbled. I hope to achieve this level of writing. Thank you for sharing.

P.O.V.: I always feedback on point of view. Again, thrilled at your choice. Told from a strictly human perspective, I followed along easily and was able to see the emotional progression. It is only now that I am realizing that you did not give us the name of the main character (after scanning the work again, I did not find it). If it is there, I missed it completely and I apologize. The nuance is a wonderful surprise, that I did not need his name.

Grammar: This is my weak point, but this was beautifully edited piece.

Overall: I am excited to see what else is in your portfolio after reading this piece. Thank you for sharing. You have given me a standard and I will try to achieve this level in my writing.

Thank you again.


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22
22
Review of Love and romance  Open in new Window.
Review by DMCarroll Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Beautiful sentiment and great description between the excitement of a newly found, short-burst relationship with "heat" and the long-lasting commitment of one person with another.


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23
23
Review by DMCarroll Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Awesome. Here is the rests of the story. Thank you.


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24
24
Review by DMCarroll Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
I like this. This does not feel like a stand alone project, though. Is this a part of a greater story?

Ultimately there is a beginning, a middle, but the end feels unsatisfying. Is the Man trapped, escaped, dead?

I like the underwater people idea. That would lend itself to an interesting world I would love to read about.

Thank you for sharing.


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25
25
Review of Solaris  Open in new Window.
Review by DMCarroll Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Please remember to take any opinion with a grain of salt. It is only an opinion. When we write, we should always write what interests us so the passion shines through.

First Opinion: There is a very interesting story here with a strong, aggressive woman at the center. It is unfortunate that we cannot "see" the character more clearly. The personality is strong, I just cannot picture her.

There is not enough of the story here for me to determine what type of story I am preparing to read, but the hints are there and that is a good way to open.

Written in the first person perspective, I am assuming there is going to be a character transformation. If this is the case, you need to establish from where the character is developing. I do not see in the first couple of chapters what character flaw, loss, or need that will be fulfilled. If we are using the missing two days as the 'need,' there needs to be more concern about trying to fill in the blanks.

POV: The first person point of view is my favorite form of storytelling because is leaves the reader to see only what the character wants them to. The downfall with this point of view is that you have to make sure that you (the writer) are telling the reader what the character is seeing in details that inspire imagery and emotion. Your first few paragraphs were full if imagery but then you seemed to focus mainly on dialogue. Find the right balance so that you do not leave the reader in the dark about the surroundings.

The dialogue is strong for Tess and even Heath, but some of "Clip-Board's" dialogue sounded flat. Perhaps attaching more of what Tess thought about him or his physical appearance would help create a 'smarmy, power-hungry, middle to lower rank officer' I am assuming you are trying to convey.

Grammar: I am not the person to have as an editor, it is a weakness of mine, but this seemed clean. I would only ask that you consider your word choices. For example, when the story opened I was almost certain that the character was a man based on the "sweat-stained shirt." I would have chosen a more feminine "blouse" which would have identified the character as a woman right away. This would have kept me, the reader, from the confusion later when the character was concerned about the texture of his hair.

Overall: I am very interested in knowing where the story is going. The idea of the Crystals having 'chosen' Tess is intriguing suggesting a thriller/adventure. Tess's strong personality is already present, and I look forward to seeing how you develop her character. That Tess was the cause of the melted Tahoe is a little confusing unless there is an additional plot line which is to identify what happened in the missing two days. I look forward to reading more.


I want to say again, this is just my opinion and you are free to take what you want form my suggestions and leave the rest. We are writers and are allowed to hold to our belief that what we have written is what we meant to write.


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