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3,598 Public Reviews Given
4,175 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I look at the title, premise, overall structure first. Then I see how it makes me feel. After that, I might comment on little errors which are easily fixed.
I'm good at...
Hmm. Well you'd have to ask the one being reviewed what that be.
Favorite Genres
Paranormal, spy/detective, sci-fi, romantic suspense (hey I'm female and entitled). documentary, psychological and more.
Least Favorite Genres
Anything too gorey depending on how it's done. I don't need every little detail.
Favorite Item Types
First tell me what an item type is. haha
Least Favorite Item Types
An item has to make sense even if it uses fantasy ideas.
I will not review...
I don't like where some writer crammed six long chapters into one item area. I also don't like it if the paragraphs are so long you lose your place reading it. If you don't want me to lose interest and give up, break it up into sections and link it to the next exciting chapters. Nobody wants to sit through a detailed story for hours without a break.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of God Only Knows  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)

This review is presented by ~HarvestSilverMoon~ Author IconMail Icon on behalf of:

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Hello Amethyst,

I just read your item and am about to review and rate it. If I make any suggestions, feel free to use any or all of them. If you decide it doesn't apply to this item, please ignore my suggestions. I'm merely here to help.

* PREMISE: A teenager is homeless, and escaped a bad situation. She doesn't know where to go or who to turn̈ to, but at least she's away from danger, or is she?

* GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION, SENTENCE RHYTHM, ETC:

It all looks good.

I didn't notice any problem areas.

* What I LIKED MOST:
The action became tense and grew in intensity.

I liked that she did the right thing, and most likely changed her life around.

Unfortunately, the events in this piece is something that can happen any day and anywhere all over the globe.

* OTHER COMMENTS: Good read. Thanks for sharing.



....................


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2
2
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)

This review is presented by ~HarvestSilverMoon~ Author IconMail Icon on behalf of:

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Hello Amethyst,

I just read your item and am about to review and rate it. If I make any suggestions, feel free to use any or all of them. If you decide it doesn't apply to this item, please ignore my suggestions. I'm merely here to help.

* GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION, SENTENCE RHYTHM, ETC:

I saw no problem with grammar or sentence rythym.
* I felt this had too many exclamation points. It loses its impact if used too often.

*Idea* Maybe some of the characters could show how excited they are by an action. This coukd be done by jumping up and down, leaping, clapping. Wide-eyed, dimpled grin.

* What I LIKED MOST:

* The dialogue was pretty much spot on. I was looking carefully at dialogue tags.

* There's some very good imagery in this. It creates a feeling of being there. It creates a mood too.

* OTHER COMMENTS:

* Where there's a change of place or time, I'd drop down an extra line-space to indicate a change.


This children's story is done well, considering how many charcters were in the story.

Any errors can be easily fixed.

Thanks for sharing.

....................


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3
3
Review of Search and Rescue  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)

This review is presented by ~HarvestSilverMoon~ Author IconMail Icon on behalf of:

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Hello Amethyst,

I just read your item and am about to review and rate it. If I make any suggestions, feel free to use any or all of them. If you decide it doesn't apply to this item, please ignore my suggestions. I'm merely here to help.

* TITLE: The title makes the reader curious.

* PREMISE: A boy is missing

* GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION,

I saw no problems with most of this, but there was a consistant error.

*Pencil* uncap after the quote.

Here:

Hey, young lady!" One one man hollered and waved. "Are you in the search party?"

"No, not yet," Kelly yelled back.

"You want to help us?" Another another one asked. "We could use another member!"

SENTENCE RHYTHM, ETC: everything looked good.

* What I LIKED MOST: Although Kelly went there for her own reasons, she manged to help the rescue team to find the boy.

* OTHER COMMENTS: Nice little short story. We don't know why he was there though. Plus the dog didn't catch a scent.

I liked that you labeled the genres.




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4
4
Review of Silent Witness  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

This review is presented by ~HarvestSilverMoon~ Author IconMail Icon on behalf of:

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Hello Amethyst,

I just read your item and am about to review and rate it. If I make any suggestions, feel free to use any or all of them. If you decide it doesn't apply to this item, please ignore my suggestions. I'm merely here to help.


I had read this last night, but got too tired to review it. I'm glad you mentioned it to me. It Also may have meant I couldn't ficus you well and didn't want to send a below par review.

* TITLE: The title fits.

* PREMISE: we see the perspective of a yellow charger as things happen when someone owns it.

* GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION, SENTENCE RHYTHM, ETC:

* What I LIKED MOST: Personification done right can be a lot of fun to read.

This one comes across with clarity and even showing some human quality's. You can't help but admire that feature. It remunds me if a tv show from years ago.

One was called My Mother te Car. That one was a bit amusing.

There was also another one and the car spoke through the radio speakers. I cantt remember the name if it though. I can picture the man behinnd the voice, but again can't remember the name. I believe the name of the show was the same as the name of the man.

On Charlie's Angel's we heard a man's voice who was in charge of thier assignments. It might have been that same guy. Dark haired, entirely different series.

Very interesting perspective.

* OTHER COMMENTS:
I liked this too:

I trembled from grille to tailpipe with suppressed energy


The part where he left the parking lot. I might have had him dart out.

It's unfortunate that, although he appreciated his car, he didn't take good care of it, but then Tracy did. As bd si we have a happy ending..

A thought occurred to me that this car could be something like the Rolls Royce story. It reveals who had ownership each time and what happened in each owners time. I was fascinated with th a t story.

I wonder if this could be a series of adventures with this car.

Good job on this.







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5
5
Review of Infidelity  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

This review is presented by ~HarvestSilverMoon~ Author IconMail Icon on behalf of:

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Hello Sleepy,

I just read your item and am about to review and rate it. If I make any suggestions, feel free to use any or all of them. If you decide it doesn't apply to this item, please ignore my suggestions. I'm merely here to help.

* TITLE: The one word title works for this piece.

* PREMISE: A married man treats his wife badly, while she's the one doing what needs to be done, as far as children and tryi g to have a living family, and he's out rinking, and being with his mistress.


* GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION, SENTENCE RHYTHM, ETC:
Here I think you meant furrowed her brow. I added a comma after God.

* furred her brows, pushing off the frame. “He’s 6! God, Alejandro, are you still drunk?”

* What I LIKED MOST: I liked that there was a build up of tension. It was necessary to lead to the blow up.

I also liked that the wife found out and decided it was the end for him. Hecdidnt deserve her. And she deserved better. But hitting the child was worse. Yet, it also shows how bad things got to be.

When the door slammed behind him I thought the police might have shown up.

Later I realised it slammed behind him because he left. You might want to indicate that maybe showing him crossing the front lawn. Or maybe the wife sees him stomp his way out there.

* OTHER COMMENTS: You're dialogue is enough but you really t need to separate each characters dialogue and actions. Use line spacing. Read some stories and pay attention to how that writer did it. This can be so much better, and it's worth it if you edit it. It will read so much better. You already have the parts you just need to arrange it. It happens to every writer. I probably edit mine at least ten times before I'm okay with it.







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6
6
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)

This review is presented by ~HarvestSilverMoon~ Author IconMail Icon on behalf of:

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Hello D.K.D.,

I just read your item and am about to review and rate it. If I make any suggestions, feel free to use any or all of them. If you decide it doesn't apply to this item, please ignore my suggestions. I'm merely here to help.

* TITLE:I liked the title as it made me curious and I just had to read more.

* PREMISE: A beautiful, yet unusual cat is seen and the human wonders what the cat might be seeing.

* GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION, SENTENCE RHYTHM, ETC: I saw no errors here.

* What I LIKED MOST:

Your description of her eyes were excellent.

I was curious too. I kind of wondered if the cat was leading you somewhere. I almost thought she might have had some kittens.

* OTHER COMMENTS:good little story. Cats can be interesting creatures. Sleek, calculating, and curious.







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7
7
Review of The Caring Soul  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)

This review is presented by ~HarvestSilverMoon~ Author IconMail Icon on behalf of:

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Hello Naomi,

I just read your item and am about to review and rate it. If I make any suggestions, feel free to use any or all of them. If you decide it doesn't apply to this item, please ignore my suggestions. I'm merely here to help.

* TITLE: It's a very fitting title, which fits the content of this story.

* PREMISE: Corinna Virus hits this country, and panic ensues. How does the people cope with the issues?

* GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION, SENTENCE RHYTHM, ETC:

It can be read easily, and is fairly easy to unerstand. Things occur in a natural order.

There were some areas that needed either an extra word or a comma.

Example. You wrote:
People went panic buying of oxygen. Truly a horrible and a terrible sight. Extremely frustrating.

*Idea*

People panicked and rushed to buy oxygen. It was truly a horrible sight. Extremely frustrating.


* What I LIKED MOST: I liked the part where the widow in the hospital decided she wanted to go home and heal herself. Afterall she succeeded to heal herself before. She isolated herself for the time she needed to and cared for herself.

And mostly she wanted the man to take her place in the hospital to ensure he got proper care. This is true empathy and good person. My kind of people.

* OTHER COMMENTS: There wee some places where there was huge spaces on the page.

Please read your story aloud and you'll see the errors.

I enjoyed reading this story about true events. I may be wrong but I'm assuming hat English is your second language. and so the errors are understandable, yet can be easily fixed.


Thanks for sharing this.






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8
8
Review of What Evil Lurks  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)

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Hello T4Tunes,

I just read your item and am about to review and rate it. If I make any suggestions, feel free to use any or all of them. If you decide it doesn't apply to this item, please ignore my suggestions. I'm merely here to help.

* TITLE:

* PREMISE: Shadow talking to the Sun.

* GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION, SENTENCE RHYTHM, ETC:

Most of this looks good. But there's errors as far as commas. I'd remove the after but.

"It is, but, well, we've been

There's another place with a comma problem. Wherever you pause is where a comma needs to be.

* What I LIKED MOST: I liked the vibe between them. I liked the interesting comebacks using meaningful words.

* OTHER COMMENTS: The piece is written well using dialogue. There's a nice rhythm going on between the two.

Thanks for sharing. It was fun to read.







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9
9
Review of Grow On, America  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)

This review is presented by ~HarvestSilverMoon~ Author IconMail Icon on behalf of:

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Hello Kenzie,

I just read your item and am about to review and rate it. If I make any suggestions, feel free to use any or all of them. If you decide it doesn't apply to this item, please ignore my suggestions. I'm merely here to help.

* TITLE: The title is appripriate and eue catching.

* PREMISE: A very bad day in America.

* GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION, SENTENCE RHYTHM, ETC:
I saw one place that might need editing. I added the comma before yet.

* our TV’s, yet disgusted at the media for showing people falling from the sky

* What I LIKED MOST: I like the way it was arranged on the page, with line spacing and text in other colors.

* OTHER COMMENTS: it's old news, but we will never forget and so it's a tribute to the fallen ones too.

Thanks for sharing.







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10
10
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)

This review is presented by ~HarvestSilverMoon~ Author IconMail Icon on behalf of:

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Hello D.K.D.,

I just read your item and am about to review and rate it. If I make any suggestions, feel free to use any or all of them. If you decide it doesn't apply to this item, please ignore my suggestions. I'm merely here to help.

* TITLE: It works for me.

* PREMISE: A cat watches her master. Or is it A master watches her puppet? We have to read more to find out.

* GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION, SENTENCE RHYTHM, ETC:

No problens with any of this, plus it's arranged nicely on the page with just the right amou t of spacing and varying thecl words used.

* What I LIKED MOST: the piece is thought provoking, especially when we realise who's perspective it is, and how cool and calculating, much like a cat. I as lmost sense a silent graceful movement, as the cat regards this human.

* OTHER COMMENTS: I love t. It's relaxing snd makes me...oh what's the word I want? Oh yes. Intrigued at the same time.

Good job on this. Fantastic!I plan on seeing what else you might have written.

Thank you for sharing.







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11
11
Review of Into My Kitchen  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)

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Hello Lizzie,

I just read your item and am about to review and rate it. If I make any suggestions, feel free to use any or all of them. If you decide it doesn't apply to this item, please ignore my suggestions. I'm merely here to help.

Tutle: Sweet Potato, tomato, roasted garlic soup.

* WHAT I LIKED MOST: it's easy to fix. The words used are easy to read and understand.

* OTHER COMMENTS: The genres selected fit the contents of this item, and makes it easier yo find.







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12
12
Review of The nectar  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)

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Hello Pinkpaws,

I just read your item and am about to review and rate it. If I make any suggestions, feel free to use any or all of them. If you decide it doesn't apply to this item, please ignore my suggestions. I'm merely here to help.

* TITLE: I would capitalise the words in the title. The Nectar

* PREMISE: This item us about waking up and what it's like while getting ready to go to work.

* GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION,

SENTENCE RHYTHM, ETC:
I didn't notice a problem.

What I would suggest is add some more imagery. Maybe, at the least minute, the effort of dressing, or rushing around to find your keys or shoes. It creates a bit if tension.

I do like the reference to standing in line, hearing the tick tock of the clock, drip, drip of the machine work, and blurry eyed.


* What I LIKED MOST: This described accurately the the process we go through after a night's rest and once we get to our work place. I like that the word nectar was used. It hints at what the nectar is.

* OTHER COMMENTS: I would list this as experience.

Thanks for sharing this short story. If you wanted to, you could add to this and make it even a bigger one.





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13
13
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)

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Hello Pinkpaws,

I just read your item and am about to review and rate it. If I make any suggestions, feel free to use any or all of them. If you decide it doesn't apply to this item, please ignore my suggestions. I'm merely here to help.

* TITLE: I would capitalise the title words.

* PREMISE: Covid strikes, appetite disappears.

* GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION, SENTENCE RHYTHM, ETC:

There was just a few areas needing commas or just different words or other punctuation.

SUGGESTIONS: I would add some dialogue in order to show what's happening.

You wrote: Two days later, while under self quarantine, I received a positive test result.

*Idea* Two days later, while under self- quarantine, I got the results. "Your test turned out positive. You have Covid," Doctor Parker said.

* Here you needed a comma for the introductory clause. If you read this out loud, you can tell where the comma goes. It's when you temporarily pause.
Also, write out 2 weeks.

THOUGHTS: From what I understand, food is tasteless, while experiencing Covid, and so you lose your appetite.

Often,the effects lasts longer than the Covid, and sometimes for months. We know that if we don't eat, we lose our strength. Some people sipped clear soups to survive.

*Idea* For almost two weeks, I developed a food fear/aversion. I mean, food was poison in my mind!

* What I LIKED MOST: Your story idea is working, but it just needs a little bit of editing. A little imagery will make this feel even more real.

Like the way it feels in a doctor's office, or the chill that's ever present, that dragged out feeling when it takes a lot of effort to stand up after sitting.

* OTHER COMMENTS: This story was easy to read and understand. It's also something that most people can relate to.


Keep writing. Thanks for sharing. I hope this review was helpful.





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14
14
Review of The Letter M  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)

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Hello kevster,

I just read your item and am about to review and rate it. If I make any suggestions, feel free to use any or all of them. If you decide it doesn't apply to this item, please ignore my suggestions. I'm merely here to help.

The title fits but I'd imagine this lovely piece deserves something equally alluring. Maybe a line in it?

Maybe using M words like
Mystical, magic, mist

* CONTENT: It has nice flow and feels like something comforting wrapped around me as I read it.

* GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION, SENTENCE RHYTHM, ETC:

No problems in this area.
The rhyming was good and the words used creates a feeling.

* What I LIKED MOST: It has words that cause soothing feelings to come up.

* OTHER COMMENTS: Good job on this. Thanks for sharing.




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15
15
Review of Escape Plan  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)

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Hello Norma Jean,

I just read your item and am about to review and rate it. If I make any suggestions, feel free to use any or all of them. If you decide it doesn't apply to this item, please ignore my suggestions. I'm merely here to help.

* TITLE: The title works for the content.

* PREMISE: The frogs h a be a meeting to address needed maintenance and such.

* GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION, SENTENCE RHYTHM, ETC:

Everything looked good. Dialogue, sentence rhythm, and humor.

* What I LIKED MOST: That last line said ot all

* OTHER COMMENTS:Good job on this. It was fun to read.


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16
16
Review of Silly Dreams  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)

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Hello Winchester,

I just read your item and am about to review and rate it. If I make any suggestions, feel free to use any or all of them. If you decide it doesn't apply to this item, please ignore my suggestions. I'm merely here to help.

* CONTENT: A wife has a dream and wants her hubby to hear it. Of course, it happens that he has the urge to use the toilet.

* GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION, SENTENCE RHYTHM, ETC:

No errors in this Dialogue looks good.

Sentence rhythm done well.

* What I LIKED MOST: I found it amusing when he stood up, sat down stood up again and again.
The man has patience.

Poor guy waited almost forever to let nature take its course.

I know that feeling like when the phone rings, there's a knock at the door, and the dog is barking, waiting to be let in, so that she can inspect the visitor.

But I just sat down on the pot. There's just some things you can't postpone.

* OTHER COMMENTS: Good job on this.




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17
17
Review of Blacky  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)

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Hello Have a shiny day,

I just read your item and am about to review and rate it. If I make any suggestions, feel free to use any or all of them. If you decide it doesn't apply to this item, please ignore my suggestions. I'm merely here to help.

* TITLE: The title is fitting, but another one could be better.

* PREMISE: Two cats are in a place where they might be adopted. Will it be the white cat or the black one?


* GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION, SENTENCE RHYTHM, ETC:

This item was easy to read by using simple words. The dialogue was done well.

*Idea* Here you need to indicate it's a thought.

(I)I can’t believe it. They’re putting me in the carrier. I’m being adopted. but instead of () use {}

* What I LIKED MOST: I liked the competition between the cats. They acted like people do.

* OTHER COMMENTS: This story was fun to read.

Thanks for sharing.



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18
18
Review of Hidden Bruises  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)

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Hello Sumojo,

I just read your item and am about to review and rate it. If I make any suggestions, feel free to use any or all of them. If you decide it doesn't apply to this item, please ignore my suggestions. I'm merely here to help.

* The title fits the items content.

* CONTENT: This item shows how people can see to be kind, considerate, and generous, yet in reality they have a dark side, and use that to control other people especially the ones closest to them.

It's a shame. But it happens more often than we see.

* GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION, SENTENCE RHYTHM, ETC:

I saw no issues with any of the above, except I stumbled a bit in the first stanza. Maybe the rythm and rhyme is off. Most of this was rhyming.

* What I LIKED MOST: It expresses what often happens so many people can relate to it.

* OTHER COMMENTS: I might have liked to see something indicating this was for a contest and the requirements, as I noticed some words on bold.

Thank you for sharing and giving me something new to review.




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19
19
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)

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Hello Happy to write,

I just read your item and am about to review and rate it. If I make any suggestions, feel free to use any or all of them. If you decide it doesn't apply to this item, please ignore my suggestions. I'm merely here to help.

* The title matches the content the content of the item.

* CONTENT: This piece is about tragedies in people lives.
My take on it is that some tragedies have beautiful parts to it. I'm guessing that it's before the tragedy becomes evident. Everyone has thier own ups and downs of life.


Yet, it seems like sometimes or maybe at some point, we all feel the effects of those tragedies.

And also, not everything is horrible.
It may be meaningful and not happening exactly how we expect it to, or when either.

* GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION, SENTENCE RHYTHM, ETC:

* There was a few places where there was no space after a comma, which needed it.

Found this needing a few changes to make it clearer:

*Idea* Look at people like M.L. King's and J.F. Kennedy's lives, just during doing their duty. Their very existence changed.

(I might have included Princess Diana. Three is a good number.
)

* What I LIKED MOST: I liked that there was a comparison within the thoughts plus examples.

* OTHER COMMENTS: I did feel it need breaking up with some line spacing near the bottom part.

Thanks for sharing and giv I ng me something interesting to review.


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20
20
Review of Sympathy  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)

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Hello SamiJoe,

I just read your item and am about to review and rate it. If I make any suggestions, feel free to use any or all of them. If you decide it doesn't apply to this item, please ignore my suggestions. I'm merely here to help.

* TITLE: The title is fitting

* CONTENT: Mom and daughter does not seem to get along.

Unfortunately, its a plausible experience that many family's have. Why it happens, we often can't tell. An ingrained behavior caused by previous trauma? Drugs? Side effects or pharmaceuticals? The causes might be anything. Still, it's not acceptable.

I know someone having this issue too. I don't know about you, but for sone it feels like the less you see of them, the better off you are.

You do have a right to fulfill your dreams. Your time and life has value too. yet can take the time to help if you can or want to.

* GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION, SENTENCE RHYTHM, ETC:

I didn't see any spelling errors. The first was different, but the cobtent was clear and readable.

* What I LIKED MOST: I liked that the message was clear. Theres a long term problem between the mother and daughter.

* OTHER COMMENTS: My advice, for what's it worth, do what you feel is right. On time,maybe things will work out one way or another.

Remember that in order for you to take care of someone else, you still need to take care of you and your needs. Do things that brings you joy too.


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21
21
Review of Duck Feet  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)

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Hello again Winchester,
You know the spiel. There's no sense in leaving you what you already know. Right?

* The title fits the content of the story.

* PREMISE: Disney characters at Disneyland have a dispute.

* GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION, SENTENCE RHYTHM, ETC:

I saw no problems here.

* What I LIKED MOST: I found the visual of these two (Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse) at each other's throat, while in costume hilarious.

I would have videotaped it, especially if they had also got clumsy. Imagine the orange feet waving in the air, or trying to get up after a tumble. Minnie Mouse checking out his tail feathers too.

* OTHER COMMENTS: Yeah, that's a big nono to curse in front of children or any visitor at Disneyland.

You were able to turn it into a happy e fing, but still I wonder if those kids would tell thier parents.

"What's the matter, honey? Why are you sad and crying?"

"Remember that time we went to Disneyland?"

"Donald Duck yelled at me."



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22
22
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)

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Hello Winchester,

I just read your item and am about to review and rate it. If I make any suggestions, feel free to use any or all of them. If you decide it doesn't apply to this item, please ignore my suggestions. I'm merely here to help.

* TITLE:

* PREMISE:

* GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION, SENTENCE RHYTHM, ETC:

You wrote:
We could hear the town cops murmuring as they smoked cigarettes and drank coffee. We could hear their dog's yelping from the back of pickup trucks.

*Idea*
We could hear heard the town cops murmuring, as they smoked cigarettes and drank coffee. We also heard their dog's yelping from the back of pickup trucks.

You wrote:

Hope is never something to hang your hat on,” I said, and she laughed, “What’s that supposed to mean?” She was looking right at me now, the laughter gone, but the smile still in her eyes. “I wonder where they got that from?” she asked into my silence. “Something to hang your hat on.”

*Idea* separate his fisligue from hers by use of a linespsce:

"Hope is never something to hang your hat on,” I said.

She laughed, “What’s that supposed to mean?” She lopked right at me now, the laughter gone, but the smile still in her eyes. “I wonder where they got that from?” she asked into my silence. “Something to hang your hat on.”

* lose the dialogue tag here:

So, what do we do now, Butch?” she asked.

* What I LIKED MOST: Nicely done dialogue in this. I like how they interact.

I also like how we are shown rather than told. You use this in much of your writing, do the reader figures out on thier own.

* OTHER COMMENTS: not much more to say, except thanks for giving me something to review.
:*)


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23
23
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

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Hello Elkor,

I just read your item and am about to review and rate it. If I make any suggestions, feel free to use any or all of them. If you decide it doesn't apply to this item, please ignore my suggestions. I'm merely here to help.

* PREMISE: The Riders are on their journey now, but the mood has changed.

* GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION, SENTENCE RHYTHM, ETC:

I found

*Idea* More immediate.

“Crevecour!!” she shouted, “Get over here!!”

Crevecour had just completed attaching his
own mount to a side hitch. On hearing Morgan’s shout, he began to run ran to her, freeing freed up his warhammer and holding held it ready as he moved.

"Get ready for trouble my friend,” Farim said to Josephine, loosening his own weapon. starting to move He (edged?) his way off the wagon.

(Not sure of the proper wording here, but use of 'started to' might not be the right choice.)

* I noticed the use of 'as he or as she'. Also, 'started to' and ' began'.

I would edit those sentences to make it more concise and immediate, if need be. I have the same issues, but with editing it makes it easier to read. Often writers have the same kinds of things throughout thier work.

began to gallop away

darted away


* What I LIKED MOST: I liked the use of magic. I might have liked to seen a few of those words when Josephine was bringing the power up in order to blast through the skeletons. Since is in tongues it can seem like jibberish. The sounds of certain letters and word combinations can indicate what might become apparent during a battle.

* OTHER COMMENTS: continue on. These suggested edits can be noted and applied when you're ready to.

I wonder if after using the magical powers it might temporarily drain the person who performed the ritual/ incantation. Then she or someone might do certain things to bring her own health and strength back in some way. Just a thought.

Keep going on this.




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24
24
Review of Kids  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

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Hello Amethyst,

I just read your item and am about to review and rate it. If I make any suggestions, feel free to use any or all of them. If you decide it doesn't apply to this item, please ignore my suggestions. I'm merely here to help.

* TITLE: I'd pick something in the story that could be the title like "It's Safe" or "No dinner".

Okay, maybe not that, but something to relate to the title.

* PREMISE: Two kids escape an abusive home, only to inadvertantly end up in the company of thieves.

* GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION, SENTENCE RHYTHM, ETC:

Most of this item looks good and also believable.

*Pencil* You wrote:
Fresh clover honey, kids." he smiled broadly at them. "Only thirty-five cents each—a splendid bargain."

* It looks like a dialogue tag, which means put a comma instead of a period before the last quote
Or

Capitalise He

It's okay to simply write what's inside the quote if it's already been establish who is conversing.


* What I LIKED MOST: I liked how Joey is protective of his sister and brave to stand up to the drunk Step-dad.

I liked that nothing further happened to the kids.

The tension mounted when Joey realised the two "important" looking men, who had given them a ride, were thieves. It eased up a bit, when Louie paid for their food.

* OTHER COMMENTS: When the heavily armed officer looks down at them, he might see the fear in their eyes. I'd have him kneel down and quietly ask what happened. It's less intimidating and thoughtful.

I wasn't sure how old Joey was. It was hard to visualize him. Beings he pulled the wagon, I'm guessing eight, nine, or maybe ten . Is there a way to indicate his age? Maybe he had thoughts about grade school while pulling weeds. Or maybe when he relaxed on the porch swing, he thought about a pleasanter time.

Thanks for sharing.







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25
25
Review of The Less I Know  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)

This review is presented by ~HarvestSilverMoon~ Author IconMail Icon on behalf of:

** Image ID #1805551 Unavailable **


Hello Amethyst,

I just read your item and am about to review and rate it. If I make any suggestions, feel free to use any or all of them. If you decide it doesn't apply to this item, please ignore my suggestions. I'm merely here to help.

* TITLE:

* PREMISE:

* GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION, SENTENCE RHYTHM, ETC:

*Pencil* Here I stumbled a little because suddenly the officer is driving both of them. I think it might be clarified if maybe the dialogue was changed a little.



"Hey, Tom," he said to Officer Brown as they signed in at the front desk. "We need to do a welfare check on my sister

*Idea*

"Hey, Tom," he said to Officer Brown as they signed in at the front desk. "Are you up to do a welfare check with me on my sister? She's been missing...

Maybe he'd say, "You betcha. I'll drive."

* WHAT I LIKED MOST: tension was was built as her brother is trying to make sure his sis is okay.

* I liked that the housekeeper was there so that they could go in. I immediately thought there might be a key hidden close by.

* OTHER COMMENTS: I got curious about the highly classified stuff. I started wondering just what herbal things had to be secretive.


The OCD part was working
but even repeatedly checking the door lock would've worked. I know somebody that does that at least six times.

Thanks for sharing.




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