I like it gritty, and action packed. However its a very hard read. This is because the entire story is told thought one long paragraph. The reader gets lost in the writing! I would suggests breaking the story into more manageable paragraphs; but don't just take my word on it.
Here's an excerpt from "The Elements of Style" by William Strunk and E.B. White, on the matter of paragraphs.
"In general, remember that the paragraph calls for a good eye as well as a logical mind. Enormous blocks of print looks formidable to readers, who are often reluctant to tackle the,. Therefore, break long paragraphs in two, even if it is not necessary to do so for sense, meaning, or logical development, is often a visual help. But remember, too, that firing off many short paragraphs in quick succession can be distracting. Paragraph breaks should be used only for show read like writing of commerce or of display advertising. Moderation and a sense of order should be the main consideration in paragraphing.
Cheers.
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