donnab's (donnab) Reviews

donnab

Review Requests: ON

15 Public Reviews Given

15 Total Reviews Given

1

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4033324

Review of Life and Death ID: 2004397

Review by donnab

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Why don't you begin with you drifting off in the chair with the cat next to the window as the rain tapped at the window and phase into your intro to your future husband, giving us some details that lead up to the marriage, then have the cat wake you momentarily as in your second dream you enlighten us on his passing. Those are the strongest points for your story. Eliminate some of the personal details on you, and after the second dream you are awakened from, smooth out you thoughts and feelings--like: moving blindly through the house, not realizing you made coffee, focusing on the cat.seeking comfort............subtle hints that flow, and have the ringing phone snap you back, your mother encouraging you to move on................

2

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4032123

Review of Life Goes By..

Review by donnab

Rated: E

| (5.0)

I think the poem is great. Your telling a story. Not many are able to do that in verse form.

3

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4032006

Review of The Face of War

Review by donnab

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Add a year or a timeline to help identify the surroundings. That's all that's missing to tie it together. Great story.

4

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4032002

Review of Have a look into my mind

Review by donnab

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

I see you expounding on this philosophy with your journey, because to reach that level of nirvana you have to experience all things to know the difference. Catholics call them Saints, Tibetans call them Monks, Christians call them Angels.......... I am curious as to what brought you to this higher level of thinking.

5

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4032000

Review of AT THE EDGE OF DARKNESS A VOLTON FAN FIC

Review by donnab

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Altea City: specify which branch Donya is affiliated with to add intrigue to her dual role. Second paragraph the use of home is redundant--used three times. Rephrase like; her desire for the finer things reflected in her lifestyle.....describing the high points of her Victorian home.
It would add to the story if you expounded on Donya's purpose and position and her ties to Keith, adding a sub-plot to the inner workings of Altea.
An avatar is a strong character. You should play on that.
Having the dilapidated craft stall in space with the two main characters; Keith and Lance, would add interest as well. One is determined and the other is sort of a free spirit. Another sub-plot. You get to know the characters. Perfect time to discuss Allure and her relationship to the story.
Tighten the sentence structures; 'a fire burned behind his ebony eyes' eliminates the redundancies and sharpens the structure in chapter 1. You have a great story going here.
I just recently joined again but I am giving you 100 GP's because I think your story has great potential. Very futuristic.