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Review by Donni De-Ville Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
I hoped to see other comments on this, in case I missed something. A conglomeration of words that need to be looked up in the dictionary and nothing made sense to me. Maybe this is some type of new cult writing? It might be brilliant in its own genre whatever that could be.

Seems like a great deal of work and thinking went into it, but I can't see why this was worth it. Not to me anyway, who is just a normal type author. I had to give up near the beginning and speed-read some of the rest. It was not a pleasant read.
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Review of One-Eleven  Open in new Window.
Review by Donni De-Ville Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
work; Adam wasn’t Anti-social, he just had low self-esteem. =
Full stop after work, or the sentence will be too long. Small 'a' in anti-social

same conclusion “Loner”. =
comma after conclusion, full stop within the quotation marks.

“LA is just to crowded, besides I like to ride at night, I couldn’t do that and feel safe in such a huge city” =
Add, He had told them.

that his kiss from Susan was (actually) a bet made =
'Really' should be substituted for 'actually,' as you use it again in the second part.

and so that’s what he =
(that's) 'that is' sounds better here.

immediately at Tim Horton’s.
Bike riding became a =
These sentences parted company.

The paragraph about the convenience store was a little too long.

Past the dumpster that waited to be picked emptied each Friday morning, =
picked emptied?? This was confusing.

moved in he would bring carry his bike up the =
'bring carry' ???

personal sites that she frequently visited =
To save using unnecessary words you could leave out 'that.' It keeps the writing tight.

did just that almost scaring him =
comma after 'that.'

Black as the shadow that had it from his view the feline fled faster then the heart that was now rapidly beating inside Adam’s chest. =
(had) 'hid' Comma after 'view,'

laughed out-loud = 'aloud' or 'out loud' No - between the words.

Adam sang his rendition of the Monty Python song as he rode along to keep his mind off the darkness that seemed to confine the light to the small cones beneath the lampposts. =
This sentence is far too long and should be broken up. Watch out for this in other sentences.

The time (that) he would remember as the time (that) he saw the impossible. =
This is another example where the word 'that' is not neccessary in either case.

what was happening, the rider still looking at his =
Full stop after happening. The... Be careful about sentences too long!

what he had seen, or hadn’t seen =
..what he had or hadn't seen...

come across (to) forward, he =
'too' Full stop after forward. He...

anyone (that) he talked to online and was afraid of how she would take it if he told her (that) he wanted to meet her =
Too many 'that' again. None of these are neccessary.

You use the word AM and sometimes am. a.m. is correct.

"Hey you, I know (your) on (you're) way to work =
'you're'....'the' instead of second you're. In this paragraph you could use more contractions, i.e. Would've Just as in normal conversations. Full stop missing at the end of the paragraph.

he wanted to meet her were gone. =
Comma after her,....

After a hectic day at work Mary got home =
Comma after work,... Be careful to see how much sense the sentence makes.

that she rented for her “business trip”. She.. =
Only needs apostrophe's, 'business trip.' As in 'think' marks. And the full stop inside the marks.

She had been wanting to meet Adam for some time now but was afraid to tell him, she figured if he thought she had to be there anyway, he wouldn’t get freaked out that she came all the way just to see him. =
Another example of a sentence which is MUCH too long again.

It didn’t feel like someone was hiding in the bushes or that someone had their eye on him from across the river, this was different, this didn’t feel so much like a person watching him, as it did that a presence was lurking all around. =
This is another example of a much too long sentence! If you need more than two commas, you need to break a sentence up. This one lasted almost a paragraph!

she knew the city enough that it wasn’t hard for her to find the main streets (that) took her to where =
Substitute 'which' for 'that.'

Between her thoughts of finally getting to meet the man that she spent so much time getting to know, and trying to find the right street to turn she didn’t see the bike enter the intersection until it was too late. =
Another sentence far too long. Needs breaking up. Another a.m. to fix too.

as they went by, she had no doubts that =
Full stop after 'by.'

would already be at his home waiting he glanced down at his watch. =
Now you see with this...waiting he glanced down..It doesn't make sense does it? You need a full stop after 'waiting.' He glanced....

MY OPINION:-

You are a very good story teller, and this one had a great deal of imagination. But, we didn't learn much about the looks of Mary. I also felt that if she did not like to talk to people in person, she would not have stayed out at a cafe, let alone so late reading.

Mary would have stayed home to read, and used her computer in between. Much more realistic and safe for her.

I believe you did not edit this work, and you certainly did not read it aloud. If you had, you would have seen in some places there was no way to breathe. Sentences cannot be as long as some that you have made here. Hard to make sense of parts of it, as the punctuation marks were missing.

In some places the paragraphs were far too long.

I liked this story enough to go through it all in the hope of helping you. I believe you can become very much improved if you really care enough. You just need to pay attention to details, and realise that editing is as important as writing the story.

When/if you re-write this story, it will be far easier to read. It will also make it enjoyable and smooth flowing.

I would have given you five points for this writing, if you had edited properly. Good luck with future work.


Donni-Jay
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Review of Gossip  Open in new Window.
Review by Donni De-Ville Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
I read this a few times and still it didn't make complete sense. I can feel what you are trying to put over, but it needs a great deal of tidying up.

The best way to improve is to read as much as possible and take note of how sentences are put together. There does need to be a pattern, and a rhthym, which is not to be found here.

The words you pick should be more imformative in telling the story. Whoever you are talking about is mixed up with other personalities. It is a confusion.

I would definitely suggest you read a lot more and feel comfortable with the grammar.

Donni-Jay
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Review of Tainted Silence  Open in new Window.
Review by Donni De-Ville Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
I think this was an error?
ravens with in blank = within

To me this is just a short group of thoughts, but nothing else comes to mind. It doesn't seem to be about anything in particular.

I'm not at all sure what these last lines mean. =

Always caught in wavering fear
Becoming the heights of a remedy

Donni-Jay
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5
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Review of Stranger  Open in new Window.
Review by Donni De-Ville Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
All these thoughts amount to the real conversation deal. It is all totally understood, and all flows into the next emotion. Swirling around making sense. People are like good clothes, Emotions can wrap around in the same way clothes can do. Wrapped around and round with textures being the materials of the emotional words of sense.

Donni-Jay
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Review by Donni De-Ville Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I think it's almost time to read Revelations. The last time I did, I had terrible nightmares and felt like it was nearly the end.

With all the earthquakes and plane crashes, miners deaths, and tsamnis we must accept that the end will not be long now.

Stay with your loved ones and show them you care.Being together will make the whole thing bearable. Let's hope God can still save us at this late hour.

Their is so much more you could add to this writing, and it would be fantastic

Donni-Jay
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7
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Review of Lost Values  Open in new Window.
Review by Donni De-Ville Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I can see no way to improve this. I wish the people who make decisions thought about all this. They obviously know, but nothing will be done.

In forty years all the hardwood trees from North America will have disappeared, so great lack of oxygen.

The oil will be used up around that time too. And yet humans are still spoken of as having a future. Well, some of us will have passed on, or about to. What a horrid way to spend out last days. And, as for our children and grandchildren, well, they stand no chance, but who is constantly bringing this up?

What is United Nations doing about it? What can they?
It is very frightening for those of us who worry about this dreadful time coming closer. I am amazed the governments are allowing this to come about without stopping the damage at least at this stage. But, as usual, the money made at the top is the main concern and no-one can save themselves.

This is a great poem for bringing the world's big problems to the fore.

Donni-Jay
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Review of Not Alone  Open in new Window.
Review by Donni De-Ville Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I loved this short story and did not notice any flaws. Very well contstructed and thought out.

As a title I may have called it; 'The First Departure.' Something along those lines. It explains it without giving anything away. (I think) Shame not to give this a title.

Very good work!

Donni-Jay
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Review by Donni De-Ville Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This was very enjoyable and the rhythm had no 'lumps' to stop the flow. I thought some changes may help to improve this piece.

Love, forever it will last. (may) instead of 'it.'

Error with the second and third stanza as there is too much of a gap.

Love, forever it will last (may) again instead of 'it.'

I liked what you did with this.

Donni-Jay
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10
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Review of The visit  Open in new Window.
Review by Donni De-Ville Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
A few mistakes to point out;

VISITORS CENTRE outside of the walls, and heard a what sounded like a car = delete 'a'

"What the f*** are lookin' at? Got = 'you' is missing.

didn't chose this though, none = spelling choose

"Shut up, you like you haven't washed = comma needed after "Shut up you, like...

This was not written in conventional terms, as the formatting and sentence structure is all over the place. You could improve the story by making sure not to have any long paragraphs.

I would not suggest you re-wrote anything. This story flowed well and had all the emotion necessary. We were able to feel the personalities of all the characters you mentioned exceptionally well.

This 'from the heart' piece of writing, shows you are a GREAT story teller, and you had me wrapped up from the start. It felt as if you were standing in front of me, talking. I was totally absorbed and enjoyed your story very much.

Donni-Jay
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Review of Sarah  Open in new Window.
Review by Donni De-Ville Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This certainly has a mess of emotions. I guess this is the way youngsters might feel for the first time. I remember feeling similar when someone I had a crush on let me know he did too. But, those feelings (toned down slightly I imagine) were there on holding his hand. I'm embarrassed to say I have no idea of his name now. When I was in school, I had many hands to hold. How innocent it seems.

As for this story, I was not able to visualise whereabout they were doing the 'cuddling.' That prevented me from getting into it properly. The way it was left was a nice touch. Leaving it to the reader's imagination.

Your writing is good and in a longer story, where there is more to it, from both points of view, it could be much improved.

Donni-Jay
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Review of Red Elf  Open in new Window.
Review by Donni De-Ville Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Well, this was very good. As it is from the mind of a seven year old, with a little help from Mom, there is a good partnership here.

The story was so interesting I could not stop reading it, and wondered all the way through what was going to happen next.

The talk about the spiders and putting the bins out made me think to look around for spiders. I don't like them crawling on me either.

This writing shows so much promise that it could be published in a children's book. Keep writing and compile them.

Very good work!

Donni-Jay
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Review of Reminiscence  Open in new Window.
Review by Donni De-Ville Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This was as perfect as can be. The emotions were beautifully written and made me empathise with you. I lost a common-law-husband when he was murdered. I felt simiilar to this, and the pain continued for too long. Now, after twenty years, the memories are all I have, and I am glad of that.

I am very lucky to have fallen in love with whom I know is my soul-mate, even though he lived across the ocean. I in the UK, him in Chicago. It started as mutual friends and grew because I was able to let go of the past. I hope you will too when the time comes.

One thing I may have changed in your loving prose/story is the ending. I may have preferred that last line to be; Forever, I hope...

This was a lovely tribute!

Donni-Jay

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Review of Reminiscence  Open in new Window.
Review by Donni De-Ville Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This was as perfect as can be. The emotions were beautifully written and made me empathise with you. I lost a common-law-husband when he was murdered. I felt simiilar to this, and the pain continued for too long. Now, after twenty years, the memories are all I have, and I am glad of that.

I am very luck to have fallen in love with whom I know is my soul-mate, even though he lived across the ocean. I in the UK, him in Chicago. It started as mutual friends and grew because I was able to let go of the past. I hope you will too when the time comes.

One thing I may have changed in your loving prose/story is the ending. I may have preferred that last line to be; Forever, I hope...

This was a lovely tribute.
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Review by Donni De-Ville Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I think this would make a perfect magazine article. I would never have thought anyone could write so much about a 'shadow.' But, due to this story being biographical, you were able to. You also did a wonderful job of portraying your feelings.

More people than you can imagine will identify with you. One always expects parents to know how to get the best from their children, but they don't. They expect you to be the same as them, and don't want you having their faults. Shadows, yes a very painful thing to be. And yet it can make a child feel like a dog, trying to get any tidbit of love or attention possible.

Creativity, and being really good at something that others are not, helps immensely. Gaining respect from all who know you, is another thing to be proud of. Everyone has something unique and it is a case of finding what makes you different. Some become eccentric characters deliberately. It is a form of rebellion, without the nasty implications. But, a 'personality' is developed, or tuned down to suit their inner feelings.

There is absolutely a life for a shadow. The saying goes; "as we get older we become a 'shadow' of ourselves." This may be true for those that allow it. I have not, and my life has been unbelievable. I am writing an autobiography. Would you believe that someone who is nearly 57 years old looks mid-thirties? I am still a performer and model. It has been achieved due to my past and the strength it gave me. My mind has overcome so much adversity, and being a 'shadow' to my Mum, (who was a Polynesian Princess, and one of the most naturally beautiful women I have ever seen.)

I would love to help you further, if you are interested please ask me.

As for the writing, it is excellent. I have to give you five. There may be some errors, but I became so engrossed in your emotions that I never saw any. That is the sign of a great writer. There you are! You are unique in being able to put your feelings down in such a manner as to make others feel your pain.

Because you are able to give out some of your soul in this way, you can also have great empathy with others you meet. These people are the worthwhile in this world. We have been put here to help other spirits evolve. If we don't suffer and overcome, we cannot feel adequately. I think you are a fine person and NO shadow, if you ever really were one!

Go for it, and become a great author! You can do it. You could start by writing stories using your emotional skills. You could write your autobiography in the way you did this story/article. It is a way for your life to help others make a stand and be a real person too. Which is what you are! I feel no shadow in you, but a bright light!

Donni-Jay

http://www.donni-jay.com

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Review of Indecision  Open in new Window.
Review by Donni De-Ville Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
A good story and easy on the eyes. I agreed with all you said, but realised that I am not indecisive, but worse, I am impulsive!

When one acts too quickly, the rest of the time is used in trying to undo the action. The brain is meant to be used to think first, and then act. That is why some people are called 'hot-headed.' Like me I guess.

What we really need, is compromise. But, that is learned. Patience is a virtue, and that comes with making the best of the worst decisions.

Also, the more we think about something, the more cautious we become. This takes away our spontaneity, but is sensible. It may make us a bit boring though. As we get older we realise the many chain reactions to any action that we make.

The young are far more impulsive. But, I would not like to be young again. Far too many lessons to learn and so many mistakes to make!

Safer to be sensible and think twice or three times.
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Review by Donni De-Ville Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
And see those classic and well-worn Chuck’s,
That so many others wear,
And you think,
“She must be an original,
Creative,”

This part confused me, as if they are classic shoes, people why would the wearer be thought of as 'original' or 'creative.' For surely, these classic shoes are seen on many others? But then, I am an absolute rebel and wear styles not always or, hardly ever seen.

Apart from that, your prose was easy to follow. I kept thinking, "I hope she doesn't really feel so bad."

For you to be able to write so well to express yourself, you are special. In this world, more now than ever, image seems to be very important. But, if someone starts talking and they are shallow, interest in them is lost.

To look like an 'individual' and not one of the fashion followers is far better. Make the most of yourself artistically. Don't be afriad to stand out because you are different as opposed to belonging to a certain 'clique.'

If you still feel bad, contact me. I will make you feel happy being yourself. I far prefer knowing the real person and like others, can make allowances for any defects. After all, we are all human!

Be yourself, whoever that is. Your spirit will feel far better for it. You owe nothing to other people. If they cannot accept the real you, why should you respect them enough to care what they think?
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Review of Fire  Open in new Window.
Review by Donni De-Ville Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is dramatically informative. Very well demonstrated. I immediately felt terrible for still smoking! Although I'm down to one cigar daily. (I am female) But, I used to smoke five or six.

The lungs do suffer, and when people think they have got away with it, they will still be coughing, or feel bunged up. I have seen patients with this terrible disease, Emysema, if not lung cancer. We do cause it ourselves and should beat the dreaded addiction before it is too late.

Thanks for this terrific poem or realism. I give you five rating for it.
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Review of Noticing Newbies  Open in new Window.
Review by Donni De-Ville Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello Emy,
Welcome! I see you are very excited about being on here. This is a great site and the best way to find your way around is to have a go! Navigate all over the place and you will pick up tips.

There are many 'moderators' on here, and if you ask for help, they will be there for you.

Just a little advice from me. When you write pay attention to your spelling and ALWAYS read your work through. Twice if needs be. ALso read it aloud and you will see where it can be improved. Oh yes, and try not to use repetitive words, as they can become tedious to read.

Best of luck, and soon you will not be a 'newbie'
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Review by Donni De-Ville Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)

This piece of writing is going to be very helpful, although much of it is common sense.

I did find a typo that you will want to fix;

though preferrably not = preferably

I thank you for taking the time to write this, on behalf of the many (we hope) who will take notice of it.
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Review of Alone  Open in new Window.
Review by Donni De-Ville Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
She wiped the tears & the mascara streaming down her face away, took a deep breath & set aside her pride. = Tears and mascara streamed down her face. She wiped them away, took a deep breath and set aside her pride.(This is far more flowing.)

Try not to use 'She' at the beginning of each sentence and you should never use the symbol '&' instead of 'and.'

It is possible to re-write this and make it harder hitting. Some spelling errors;

She layed there for = lay there
seemed like hourse = hours
didn't want to = did not instead of didn't. You are narrating here, it is not conversation or thoughts.

I like the way you portray the emotions, it is easy to see the girl's heart is breaking. Some editing and this will be much improved.

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Review of Surrounded By You  Open in new Window.
Review by Donni De-Ville Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This poem is well written, but the beginning sentence of only 7 syllables (as opposed to 10 and 11 in the last stanza threw it. The rest of it never rhymed as the first two did.
YOU SAID:

When night time brings its dark cloak
I throw my silent wishes to the shadows
Once again we sit on the boughs of the trees
Your scent touches me like fingers of a breeze

I hope you find this helpful as you may like these words;

When night time envelops me in its dark cloak
And with winds that make both our bones freeze
Once again, huddled up sitting on boughs of oak
Your scent touches like wisps of a breeze

Or, something similar. Good luck with this.
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Review of Something Special  Open in new Window.
Review by Donni De-Ville Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
This sentence did not make sense.
But you wasn't nobody that didn't wanna holla back

And this stanza needs six lines, like the previous one.

and got REALLY REALLY Crazy
Even today you are still something special to me,my
BABY
These last sentences need re-writing to get some kind of a flow. There is no rhythm to this part and I think it is worth you editing. You can still portray your feelings, but you became carried away and forgot to count your syllables.

Good luck with this.
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Review of I Trust Her  Open in new Window.
Review by Donni De-Ville Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
Thousands of repressed shudders, possibly? (this is all you said about the 'caution' part of love. There is far more to caution lovers about. This writing could have benefited from a sentence or two about the 'rose-coloured glasses' those in love have, Or, about love being blind.

But, it needed more to make it live up to your title and to make it interesting.

As the poem is now, I had to read it through a few times to understand your meaning.

Keep writing and editing and you will feel the words with your soul.
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Review of Just Friends  Open in new Window.
Review by Donni De-Ville Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Every six lines you could make a stanza. Then it would be easier to read and formatted as a poem should be.

This is very good and I can feel your pain. You have picked some great words to portray your feelings and I could understand the line;
'and now you wonder why I keep you at bay.'

I hope if this is biographical, the pain is weakening. The memories will stay vivid until you fall in love again, and there will just be a dull pain. Love has a way of sneaking up, even if you think it will never happen because your heart is taken. Only love can mend a broken heart. I have written a story about this, it is in my website, and I may post it in here.

I would have given you five, if you had formatted this poem.
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