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Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hi there, picked up this as a random read & review.

Only two little errors picked up:

pre-essembled -- pre-assembled (unless you're deliberately highlighting the ineptitude of the character?)

Nick said as he opened up the small of the three boxes pulling -- smallest (or, one of the smaller boxes)

Those aside, a somewhat witty (humour's subject, of course) dialogue driven piece that plays to gender and sexuality based stereotypes... although I find it hard to believe two adults (of either gender) wouldn't know what a screwdriver was, so it does strain credulity a little.

Overall, not bad, but could be tightened up a little and made a touch more realistic.
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27
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (1.5)
OK, it's not a bad start but there's a lot you could do to improve this, and future, pieces.

Technically:

1. There's a complete lack of punctuation, making it harder to read than it need be. Remember commas where you'd pause and full stops (periods) at the end of sentences.

2. Watch out for homophones - There/Their, for example

3. Try and keep your tenses consistent - she was scared because... she walked down the road... she panicked... etc.

4. Even in such a short piece, there's a typo or two - you might try reading the text out slowly to yourself (or have someone else read it to you) to spot such things. (I believe there are free text to speech programmes out there that might do in a pinch, but I have no idea how good or helpful they'd be).

With respect to the narrative:

5. Employ conjunction (and/but/so/etc.) to join related sentences together, to make the story more interesting / engaging.

e.g. She saw a scarecrow coming towards her AND she panicked.

6. Add detail to add interest. For example, instead of simply saying 'she was scared because of the wind' you could tell us what it was about the wind that scared her. Was it ferocious? Was it the noise of the wind howling through the trees?

Hope that helps!
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Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
OK, so I really liked this.

A great blend of nostalgia (to which I can very much relate), commentary on the tensions between technological progress and the human experience, and on how easily we humans are reeled in / deceived by urban legends / slight of hand.

The writing itself is replete with vivid imagery (using metaphors that, I would think, anyone could follow) with, in the opening 'sermon' in particular, a poetic feel to it.

The mix of sentence lengths creates a rhythm with an effect that echoes, what I surmise to be, the plotline of piece:- distracting the reader from being able to anticipate the final reveal, just as the listener in the story was distracted as his phone was being stolen.

Personally, I like the ambiguity that led me to that conclusion, but others may find it a little off-putting.

So, while overall it's an intriguing and well written piece, maybe the ending could be expanded slightly to make it slightly clearer what happened*?

*Of course, that assumes I'm correct in how I've interpreted your words ;)
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Review of Whispers  Open in new Window.
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there, assuming you see this random 'read and review' so many years after posting.

Not being familiar with the music you picked, I listened a few times to get the tune firmly in my head.

I then read through your lyrics and thought they were good but think, in a couple of places, could be tweaked to match the tune better.

Your message playing on the telephone,
says I'll spend another night alone.

Outside the wind is whisp'ring to the trees,
'bout the rumors that it's heard,

and I'm torn between what's wrong and right

And, while not certain, I think flipping these two lines may work better:

The wind won't gossip about you again -
only fading echoes in my heart remain.

Only fading echoes in my heart remain,
And the wind won't gossip 'bout you again.

So yeah, a really good song, consistent imagery running through it, and far better than any of my humble (unpublished) efforts at lyrics.

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30
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Ah nothing quite like motherly retribution, having realised she's painted herself into a corner, so to speak.

Short and sweet again, relatable with decent dialogue - tells the whole story adequately.

I'll assume the 'random' underlined words are because this is a competition entry.

Every word counts with this sort of thing, you could have got a few back in places to expand elsewhere...

e.g. I told him he could choose the paint color for his walls. He was busy painting them black. --> I'd told him he could chose what colour to paint his walls, and he'd picked black! (only a couple of words, but might have been useful later)

But, if word count hadn't been an issue, I would have liked to have seen a more flowing story, rather than the very staccato presentation here.
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31
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Short & sweet. Completely relatable (and similar happened in my family many a time when we were kids - no cell phones back then either!).

Neatly conveys the mother's fluctuating emotions through believable dialogue; though I'd suggest one small tweak here: Of course, I imagine all sorts of terrifying things that could have happened to him. The scenarios running through my mind are too horrible to repeat.

To emphasise the mother's 'self-torture' (for the lack of better words).

Good job.
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Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
A long(ish) read, so I'll make notes as thoughts occur...

I like the opening scene setting, could maybe be expanded some with, for example, descriptions of the wagons to give an indication of the relative wealth of the gypsies, how houseproud or gaudy they might be.

The initial dialogue between mailman and gossiping ladies feels era appropriate, as I imagine it - not having been around in 1908 ;)

For easier reading this line: If anything, the danger galvanizes them, and they know that if they wait for their husbands' permissions, there is significant risk the menfolk say no, or worse, that the nomads would be gone before they get to see them. could maybe be rejigged...

If anything, the danger galvanizes them. They know that if they wait for the permission of their husbands, there is significant risk the menfolk will say no or, worse, that the nomads would be gone before they get to see them.

Spelling: Chaperone

Spelling/Typo: The 3 vwomen have already made it to the small main road leading into town.

Also, I'd suggest using words rather than numerals - three vs. 3

Thought: It's a bit superficial in places so far - literally a sequence of statements: This happened, then this, then this. As with the comment about expansion within the opening, more descriptive language and/or conjunction would make the writing more rounded/engaging:

e.g. "Violence against whites is a cardinal sin.
Bloodying the face of a pretty, wealthy white woman usually gets you hanged.
You're lucky if you get a day in court first."

They know violence against whites is a cardinal sin. At best, you'd likely be beaten bloody, but bloodying the face of a wealthy white woman would usually get you hanged. Hell, you'd be lucky to even get a day in court first.

Suggestion vis dialogue containing time: If someone says 'in the morning/evening at $time', then adding an AM/PM after the time sounds, to me, unnatural (as it's tautologous). For example:

"We're heading north in the morning, around 5AM, away from Albany..." --> ...in the morning, around five,...

Overall, having reached the end, I'd say it's a good start to a story - but not without its flaws. I've not seen the film, so don't know how closely you've followed the plot, what changes you made, etc., but it was, generally, an enjoyable read with scope for expansion/continuation (do they 'get away with it' or end up living a life on the run).
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Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Welcome to the wonderful world of Zootopia.

I liked much of the piece. It has, for example, a good structure and is well paced with good characterisation.

There are, however, a few places where I mentally 'tripped' when reading:

e.g.

"his reflexes were enough to spare his face the painful sting and embarrassing bruise that could have resulted on his face."

Sounds clumsy, he's spared his face, so that's where the bruise(s) would have been by default: Therefore the second 'on his face' is superfluous.

"...instances when he found that out the hard way, and he shuttered to himself."

IF you mean 'closed himself off' then '...shuttered himself'
IF you mean 'shook/trembled' then '...shuddered with the memory'

"The…passion with which his mother fettered over him could..."

'fussed' is probably a better choice of word.

"On the one hand, the flood constant worrying had finally stopped"

Missing word? flood of constant worrying...
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Review of Haiku 0072  Open in new Window.
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Like all good haiku
With imagery tis replete
To tell a story

Good, consistent imagery/metaphor throughout. Obviously technically correct vis structure.

Not really much to add although, pet peeve, a capital letter or three, and some punctuation wouldn't hurt - but doesn't really detract.
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35
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
First impressions:

Missing a few line breaks - probably due to the software here, if you just copied and pasted from Word (or similar).

An interesting start with a good hook at the end.

Makes some good use of language to paint a picture of the environment & setting.

But:

Not much in the way of characterisation / development, yet - maybe leaving the protagonist just a little too enigmatic.

From the opening sentence:

Getting arrested was not part of my agenda, especially not by asteria. Not that paper was accessible in[City];

'asteria' - it's unclear whether that's an individual ('Asteria') or a named group ('the Asteria') or a collective noun.

And [City]? - if you haven't decided on a name yet, you could have just gone with 'the city'.

As I read through, there are quite a few places it could be fleshed out some and/or tweaked for easier reading: Remember to check for homophones too e.g. taut (pulled tight) and taught (as a teacher, I taught in school)

e.g. When I came to, I was surrounded by a gang of children, their skin pulled taught, pale over their bones. Clothes were tattered, faded, sewn and destroyed, a faded rainbow. They turned me in for a meagre bounty. I let them. This place was no home for children.

When I came to I was surrounded by a gang of children. Their skin was pulled taut, pale over prominent bones. Their clothes barely hung to their frames: a faded rainbow of tattered, frequently repaired garments that were practically destroyed. They turned me in for a meagre bounty. I let them. This place was no place for children, maybe the money would help them escape.

Hope that helps!
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Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
"this is my first attempt at writing poetry, I was half asleep when I wrote this." - Better than anything I'd come up with fully awake ;)

OK, so it has plus points: I like the structure and the pacing, it's very lyrical - I could almost picture it set to music as a song.

On the other hand, there a few places where it could be tightened up with respect to grammar, and where I felt like it just missed the mark:

e.g. (with suggestions shown)

Just like seasons change
from April to May from April through to May - flows better, to my mind, keeping the rhythm going
So do feelings I guess
Just like yours are gone
Mine stay the same Mine have stayed the same
Crying away the pain I'm crying away the pain
I tell myself im fine Telling myself I'm fine (probably just tired typing on the i'm)

Overall it's nicely melancholy, tells the story well and very relatable to anybody who's ever 'loved and lost'
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Review of Falling  Open in new Window.
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,

Short, but I'll assume that 100 words was the limit for the competition... and you do manage to tell a whole story in those few words.

You set the scene nicely in the opening paragraph, with some nice descriptive language.

There's only a few minor tweaks I'd suggest.

1st consider moving the 'But' from the start of second para, to the end of the first:

...rushing winds. But...

He...

Adds a little more tension, imo.

And, as every word matters in such short pieces, there are a few you could cut to give scope for a little more elsewhere:

e.g. "plummeting toward ground, falling... tumbling without control..."

"...fate taunted with hopeful promises of chances for escape."

+2 words that could be used something like this (nb changed word order, same overall count):

"The stupid parachute wouldn't open!

Gravity, that cruel mistress, continued along her merciless path mercilessly dragging him down."

Anyhow, good job overall :)
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Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, TLDR A good start to a potentially interesting story, but would benefit from a some polishing.

Things that stood out as I read through include:

Great use of descriptive language to paint a picture of the scene.

Reasonable presentation but repeated minor issues with layout, spelling, grammar, and/ or punctuation (see below).

Dialogue is decent and, more importantly, consistent (e.g. a character doesn't vacillate between 'sounding educated' and 'sounding uneducated' mid conversation).

Good as it is, there is maybe a little too much scene setting initially. Makes for a bit of a slow start.

On the presentation:

(Very Minor but) Quite a few places where an extra line has been inserted - cosmetic only.

e.g. "...streets,

}“Do..." (Extra line instead of space, random }

e.g. "...men below,
“There’s the..." (return instead of space.)

Which may be artefacts of transferring from a file?

"as he climbed up the slope to stand next to his sister..." (As, capital at start of a sentence.)

Examples wrt punctuation:

"Zenniths streets..." ( Possessive, Zennith's)

"...rested a reassuring hand over his sisters..." ( Possessive, sister's)

"Farryn said with a soft giggle," (Typo, full stop)

“Hello? What did we just read like not even five minutes ago?” Sibei asked with a hint of sarcasm in his voice, Farryn scoffed in defiance," (Both marked commas should be full stops, should be an empty line before Farryn reacts/responds (scoffs).)


Tense:

"Her remaining strength manages to break into the rock bed to pluck out one more precious piece of ore."

('managed', although it might read better along the lines of 'She managed to break into the rock bed with the last of her remaining strength, plucking out one final piece of precious ore.')

Something free like grammarly, and/or a proof reader (if you can twist someone's arm), might be worth considering to catch many such things before publishing.
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Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
OK, so with the caveat that I don't normally review (or write) 'serious' poetry... I'm leaving this note as you popped up on read and review:

Very first impression was a little groan, sorry - from a presentation point of view would it not be better to have the title (centred?) rather labelling it as the "Title."?

Similarly, the label for the byline (with a spelling error - by, not buy) is superfluous.

That aside, the piece stays on theme and easily conveys a personal journey through life (even for we of the most literal minds although, I suspect, there's greater depth there too) into and back out of the darkness, making good use of metaphor throughout.

With respect to the writing itself, it has a mostly consistent cadence / meter to it - although there's a place or two that could be tightened up, which cause unintentional (I believe) hiccoughs when reading.

For example:

Morals abandoned, in this cruel and absent realm,
Laughter silenced, as pain pierces, overwhelming all joy overwhelm'd."

Anyhow... what was going to be a brief note turned into a mini-essay on what is, mostly, a good piece.
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Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
First impressions: As a fan of urban fantasy this looks like a good story, even if the scene's a little short.

Dialogue and character reactions are believable in the situation (who would want to be hospitalised, again?).

It's mostly fine with respect to grammar & spelling, however there's a recurring 'issue' (for the lack of a better word) around your use of direct speech...

"You forgot the cinnamon sticks", a... --> the comma goes inside the speech marks (...sticks," a...)

"Get off of me!", came a... --> the comma isn't needed (here or inside the speech marks) as the speech is punctuated with an exclamation mark.

(There are plenty of guides out there, but this bbc one has pretty much all you need, even if for kids: https://www.bbc.co.uk/bitesize/topics/zr6bxyc/arti...)

Hopefully that's helpful, looking forward to seeing more.

P.S. Just wondering how rigid writing.com's ratings are, does the use of a (very mild) expletive fit within their E - everyone rating?
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Review of Trail Mixed  Open in new Window.
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Good job, a lot of story told in very few words.

There's a decent set-up, it doesn't take long at all to cotton on to what's happening, nor to get a feeling for the characters. All wrapped up with a nice little twist in the ending.

Only one question: The security guards have the power to arrest someone there? Assuming they don't, as is the norm here, and that they'd know the limits of their powers (even if the kids didn't) might he not have said something like 'Hands behind your back kid, you're coming with us' rather than '...you're under arrest'?
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Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
OK, first 'broad strokes' impressions are favourable. A mostly well presented and 'up beat' look at a sensitive subject.

More closely: The initial simile is an apt comparison but, having started that way, mayhap you could have circled back thereto to conclude your argument?

While I'm as far from an expert on the topic as it's possible to be, yet something seems a little off when you describe 'a night's tears and drinking' as a type of depression. Anger or sadness maybe, but isn't depression - from the medical perspective - a longer term affair? A condition that ranges, as you allude, from 'mild & easy to rectify' (e.g. situational) to the far more serious and, potentially, life threatening?

You ask "Have you ever heard the phrase..." um, no, isn't it you can't be responsible for (as opposed to reasonable)?

And, finally, there are a number of grammatical, spelling and/or typos that have snuck through. For example:

overdose (rather than over dose)

"While all of those things we do to ourselves is understandable" - are

"We can change how respond (1) to these things by asking yourself(2) a few questions. "(3)Do these things that are happening to me serve me? Does this persons actions bring me joy and fill my soul with peace? How can my response to this serve others? Are others also affected by what is going on?""

The paragraph should, imo, be broken up here: separating your initial statement and reflection thereon.

"By asking yourself these questions'(4) it will do a few things..."

1. missing word, how we respond
2. ourselves
3. Not a quote or direct speech, no need for speech marks.
4. extraneous ' ( the word's neither a contraction nor possessive).
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Review of A Golf Hazard  Open in new Window.
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
A jolly little poem,
with good meter and rhyme,
'bout an injury most gruesome,
from not ducking in time.

A tale told with humour,
drama and flair,
tho I hear a rumour,
you weren't really there!

(There's a reason, or two, I don't write poetry! But thanks for the smile.)
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44
Review of The Air Marshal  Open in new Window.
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
A fast paced short story with drama aplenty that has potential for expansion into a much longer piece of work.

The character(s)/situation will doubtless appeal to a wide audience but, for me, it doesn't quite hit the mark.

There's an abundance of descriptive scene setting (which is good), for example, but some of which comes across as 'labouring the point' - to the detriment of the whole.

e.g. in the opening passage, the first three paras use some 'interesting' metaphors to, essentially, say 'it was a dark and stormy day, and something felt off' multiple times. This could have been, imo, trimmed back to a single para.

Notwithstanding that the main characters come across as a bit stereotypical (but let's face it, there's probably a type that goes into that kind of work), there's good interaction between with, mostly, believable dialogue / actions.

That said, a few things stood out as potentially unbelievable/inconsistent that diminished my enjoyment somewhat.

e.g. Due to the locking/sealing mechanism, and massive pressure differential - would it actually be possible to manually open such a door at altitude?

Would the pilot/marshall not discuss the situation with the ground before acting unilaterally?
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Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hmmm cookies!

Looks lime an easy enough recipe to folloW. I would, however, suggest a couple of alterations to the layout.

1. List all of the ingredients initially, with weights as an alternative to 'cups' (preferably in g as you give temperature in F & C). Also wondering why baking soda is in bold?

2. Remaining instructions, en bloc, are logical and concise. Rather than 'Add egg' after 2 mins beating, would suggest mix (or stir) in (beaten) egg.

I'd probably give them a go but for lack of ingredients ;)
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Review of Butter  Open in new Window.
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Subjectively, it was fun, but kinda weird. A good dollop of enjoyable humour with a little suspense and a wholesome conclusion... though quite why the protagonist would jump to the conclusions that he did I can't quite picture.

Objectively, the writing was pretty solid, nothing stood out as particularly 'problematic' (nor 'exemplary') with the presentation, narrative or dialogue to me, at least.

If I'm going to be ultra picky, there's either an errant return, or missing space between paras here:

"...Mick’s silos.
I walked..."
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Review of Game Set Match  Open in new Window.
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
OK, so I'm not really a tennis fan which may be why your anecdote, in part, falls a little flat for me.

That's not to say that it's badly written - just that, until the very end, it reads as little more than a clinical match (well, set) report... this happened, then this, then that...

I would have liked to have seen a little more of what you were feeling & how the crowd responded in addition to what you did in there... this happened, my nerves started to fray as I looked for a chink in his armour... it was time to take a risk... so this happened, and it worked! I was still in deep trouble, obviously, so I doubled down... the crowd roared out their support as that happened, just two points down and I was starting to think that maybe, just maybe I could pull this back...

Oh and, Top50 might be 'nothing' to some... but I'd say out of a few billion people on the planet, or even 'just' a few hundred million tennis players, that most people would consider it a great achievement.
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Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
OK, you made me smile.

Mostly at the punchline, I'll readily admit,
From the picture that you painted, of the cheapskate little s***,
Through scenes too familiar, and peeks at family life,
Turnaround was fair play, for that man without a wife.

Meh, wasn't awful off the top of my head!

There were a few places where, imo, you could have made very minor changes to tighten things up for more consistency between couplets & verses...

e.g. The opening verse:

My grown kids took me out for dinner
to celebrate Father’s day.
I made sure to take my wallet;
knowing who'd have to pay.
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Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
What a problem to have. A subtly humorous (genuine?) anecdote that I can easily picture coming up year after year.

Well written, structured and, I assume, within the prescribed word limit but, being hyper-critical, and NOT to say that it's unclear who was speaking, but there are several instances where speech, direct or otherwise, isn't incorporated 'properly'.

If you had a few words spare, you could have tweaked things to keep even the meanest of grammar teachers content (N.B. I'm going for humour through hyperbole, hopefully that's coming across!).

e.g. “Here, let me put it in your fridge.” He carried it with pride...

“Here, let me put it in your fridge.” He said as he carried it with pride...

It's a minor point given that it's contextually evident who's speaking but, I suppose, that might not be the case for, for example, non-native speakers - hence my mentioning it.
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Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Ok, notwithstanding that this is a very short piece for the given prompt...

Obviously it satisfies the prompt and is, I'm sure, relatable to mothers (ruing the loss of her child's locks) and sons (who developed/are heading towards male pattern baldness) as they age.

I have to admit, I tend to shave (or at least buzz cut) my hair right down in summer too, although that's more for comfort at the moment... can't say I'd want to wear a wig or toupee either, should it all disappear one day!

It's a little, umm, clunky (? maybe not the right word, but it's late and my brain's in neutral, sorry) in places...

e.g. My son hasn't been so blessed since he was a child, with gorgeous blond curls.

"... as a child with gorgeous blond curls." or,

"... as a child, when he had gorgeous blond curls."

Would read better, imo.

I also think the piece could have been presented better, by splitting it up a little more, with spaces between paras...

e.g.

...and they never returned.

My son is now 33 and...

He doesn't want...

It's a shock to see...

Given the, I suspect, very low word count allowed, tweaking sections (illustrated below) to remove repetition and 'unnecessary' detail can convey the same meaning in fewer words, that you could have used to expand on, for example, your reaction to the shock of seeing him shaved for the first time.

He doesn't want hair transplant, or heaven forbid, a toupee. So he just takes care of it the beginning of each summer by shaving his head, and going bald for the summer.

--> He doesn't want a transplant or, heaven forbid a toupee, he's content to shave his head in summer, and wear a hat at other times.
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