This contribution illustrates the point that terror is a state of mind. The narrator experiences fears while traveling through a forest near a mental institution at night. He is pursued and captured by a group of men. As it turns out, the narrator is the very escaped mental patient he feared.
There are plenty of clues, for example the narrator's history of "peculiar" dreams and his disorientation as to why he chose to be in this woodland. Even if the reader puts the clues together before the conclusion, the ending is still a satisfying twist as the most feared demon is a reflection of the narrator.
Are not the fears many of us carry really the demons we create in our own minds?
This is readable, entertaining, and seriously thought provoking.
This poem presents probably the most skillful and artistic use of consonation and alliteration -- and also repitition -- I have seen on this site.
The piece mixes some conventional religious Lamb of God imagery with some novel and creative thought about the God-Man relationship.
It presents without rhyme and no standard poetic structure that I know. I read and recorded it out loud and it sounds really good. In fact, it sounded impressively good in view of its astructural presentation.
This is a strong contribution and deserves attention even if you (reader) are not a spiritual person. If you enjoy spiritual poetry it is a must.
This contribution is an uplifting celebration of the wonders of nature as a testament to the wonders of God, the Creator.
The piece says nothing new, but it does state its message quite well.
The 14 lines and the rhyme scheme are sonnet-like. A classic sonnet is written in iambic pentameter. The feet in this poem rarely are iambs and it does not have five feet per line. Hence, it is not iambic pentameter and not a sonnet (at least not in the classic sense).
Your descriptive skills and your ability to transport natures wonders into a spiritual message are very stong and, like an old hymn, it continues to inspire even though it has been heard before.
Sometimes a particularly strong piece of writing strikes a chord in a reader and provokes a feeling this this must have been meant specifically for that reader. Bonds of loyalty and devotion may be forged between the reader and the author.
An author on this site seems to have inspired such feeling and bonds with the contributor of Valentine. If this poem is meant as hyperbole to examine and even celebrate such feelings in a non-literal way then it is high tribute to the author so honored and an effective and novel poetic idea.
If the poem is meant literally then I would say the author needs to step back a pace or two to examine her feelings and the basis for them. Of course the author's material was posted on an internet site without any personal knowledge of this particular reader. The author of this poem should put the "relationship" on the proper footing of a literary fan's admiration for exceptional writing. If an on-line friendship develops, then fine, that can happen.
This poem needs a good edit to clean up grammatical errors.
This contribution blends a light touch with a serious subject: law enforcement as impacted by technological advancement. The story moves entirely by dialogue, which you handle adeptly. Young Officer Feinstein learns that strict enforcement of the law on the books sometimes does not equate to justice. This knowledge taps him for advancement in a technologically advanced age.
Here is a story that works. Its distinction is that it works without any of the typical tools of a writer: there is no plot, no conflict, no dialogue,no action, and very little description. The story narrator is just waiting. Then the twist: the narrator is waiting for the school bell to signal the end of the day. We have been accustomed, in reading, to everyday, mundane events followed by catastrophic (or at least climactic) events. This looks like it's headed in that direction. But then the twist. The joke is on the reader. The big event is another everyday routine occurrence -- the end of the school day.
This contribution presents intense pain and loss in twelve lines. The narrator identifies his feelings succinctly and knows it is because of a lover's rejection.
The control in the poem -- a solid and steady meter, with a consistent a, a, a, b,b, b, . . . rhyme pattern -- plays nicely against the raw emotions expressed in the content of the poem.
There are a lot of troubled relationship poems at this site. This one is set apart by the skill and talent of the poet.
I recently posted two poems about troubled relationships: Limbo Land and The Pigeon, posted together in my port, if you are interested in a different take.
The image of standing on solid ground afraid you will not float again is a creative and powerful twist of the more usual person "at sea" who is looking for solid ground. Your poem speaks directly of fear -- anxiety, really -- of a broken relationship.
I do not know if this poem is autobiographical or if its truths related to someone other than its author. Either way, it is very expressive tto the point where the reader can feel the pain.
Technically it needs some work. The poem is not clearly structured, with stanzas of four lines, five lines, and one line. The separate stanzas here are a bit of a distraction and do not seem necessary. The rhyme is uneven too. There are a few grammatical errors, but that is more for an edit than for a review.
In my view, your poem has been somewhat underrated, but "to each his own." I don't think you should be discouraged.
You have talent for expressing feelings (your or someone else's).
This contribution has a realistic and homey feel. I guess it is prose, but it is certainly poetic. The "out of the mouths of babes. . ." lesson is taught well, with thought-provoking notions casually tossed out. The writing style goes well with the content. This is humor at its deeper meaning best.
Am I allowed an aside apart from review of this piece?
In a testimonial you observed that this site is addictive. I refer you to a piece in my portfolio, "The Condition." Your thoughts, please.
This previously underrated contribution looks at a classmate with a perceptive and sensitive eye. It has a stream of consciousness flow and carries no baggage of rhyme or meter. There are some gramattical errors which detract somewhat. The picture of the unselfish, magnetic, strong-willed and confidant girl is painted compellingly well.
Incidentally, if you want to read an escapist story read "Jack O' Tens" in my portfolio and let me know what you think.
This contribution is a nicely packaged presentation of a rebuttal to the old chestnut that "Love is blind." The nice packaging is a consistent and pleasing rhyme and meter pattern. Both rhyme and meter flow naturally and give no impression of being forced or labored.
Everything in this poem is direct and literal except one reference to a "searing spotlight," which was effective. Some readers like a lot of metaphors and imagery in their poetry. Personally, I am fine with the direct and literal, if it says what it means, as I think this does.
I would take issue with your conclusion and argue that the old conventional wisdom about love is often correct. My own observation is that young love is blind most of the time. Generally, as the lights get turned on, either the love goes or, as the poem argues, the faults get recognized and the love still survives.
Yours is an interesting and thought provoking notion.
This poem hovers between a death wish and cry for escape from earthly bonds to explore the beauty of an unworldly vision. Perhaps these are the same.
Without any metric pattern, and with no consistent pattern of rhyme (though there are plenty of rhymes for those who insist on that) the poem still has a heavy, relentless feel. Perhaps this is due to an almost palpable cadence usually found in a more disciplined and structured poem. Perhaps it is due to the frequent repetition of certain simple words.
At any rate, it works. The illusive yet insistent content works. It is not a brief for suicide, but holds out an attraction for the mysteries of the other side. The language and structure work too, and skillfully reinforce the theme of the poem.
The first and third lines of the second stanza each has an extra syllable that slightly trips an otherwise steady meter. Maybe that is the slight imperfection that makes this poem -- like the moon -- so stunningly beautiful.
This contribution relates the feelings of a young woman who has been in a long-term abusive relationship. She is literally escaping on a trans-Atlantic flight.
The author uses the various elements of this flight as counterpoints to illustrate her own troubled state of mind. She references the polite flight attendant, the other passengers, and even the ocean, itself, as it interacts with other forces of nature. The illustrations are well-drawn.
We finally learn a little about the abuser, his rage, and his own response. He blames her for pushing him to the point of abuse, even as he attempts to apologize. This picture adds clarity to the illustrative parallels of the passengers, the flight attendant, and the ocean.
The story is entitled "The Start" but it strikes me as the middle of a story with a beginning and an end we can only guess at. This is fair here, I think, if maybe a little frustrating.
I saw a couple of minor typos in the next-to-last paragraph: "boisterus" should be "boisterous" and "I am not sat on a plane. . ." needs an edit. Perhaps, "I am not sitting on a plane. . .?
Thank you for an interesting read and a good illustration of how to express feelings.
This contribution captivates. Some of the language, particularly the descriptions of the relentless progression of the water, are poetic. The villain, who never appears, is nonetheless a well-fleshed out character. The tension of the unfolding mystery complements the tension of the predicament in the car nicely, and several parallels are neatly drawn.
The ending fails to completely satisfy. It is OK, even artistic, to have the detective die at the end. The frustration is that we cannot know whether the death's door message will ever be found. And, even if it is found, its value as evidence is problematic. I guess it is allowable to let mysteries end in mystery, but when you know whodunnit it's a bit of a tease not to know whether he'll be brought to justice.
Well conceived and well executed. This creative impression of the afterlife teases and amuses while, at the same time, chillingly warning the reader. You maintain the tension betweeen seriousness and tongue-in-cheek lightness all the way to the end.
You use an unusual point of view to good advantage. This narrator speaks in the first person and is almost -- but not quite -- omniscient. He sees past and future and reads thoughts. But he is still attempting, unsuccessfully, to influence his own lover's future. His failed efforts, and his projected eternal failures, overlay this contribution with the pessimism of unresolved conflict.
This contribution models descriptive writing. The sights and smells of the kitchen and the garden ring true and well.
The central character emerges fully drawn. Even her slight imperfections draw the reader to her.
David presents as a one-dimensional bad guy with no redeeming qualities. If he is anything but flat, I missed it. He generates no sympathy. When he tries to help his son with baseball his effort degenerates into another bad experience.
The children, also, present as oddly unsympathetic. Their absence of appreciation for their mother and her efforts puts the reader off. This could be a "you and me against the world" -- or at least against David -- story, but it loses that shape.
Stories need not have happy endings, and this one does not. The trouble with it is, it really has no clear ending at all. It just stops. I would prefer to see the conflict resolved, even if it is resolved badly. I suppose some real life stories do continue, indefinitely, without resolution. But as a literary work it leaves me frustrated. Like your character, I guess. Maybe that is your point.
The story is carefully written, nicely crafted, and free of errors.
You describe a certain style of poker to a "T." You write with a spare and economical style that takes you where you want to be fast. Here is a very subtle and unusual use of rhyme. You don't hit the reader over the head with it, but it influences the feel of the poem just the same.
I'm a fan.
Your poem presents a pretty snapshot of an idyllic scene. It lacks perceptible rhyme and meter which is fine. In this piece more structure might be distracting.
I read poetry literally, at least the first or second time through. Often a literal meaning is all there is, and it is quite sufficient. Here, I am not so sure. This poem catalogues the senses of sight, sound, smell and touch. Only taste is missing. I wonder, is there a reason the poem so clearly identifies four the five senses and misses the fifth. If this omission is intentional, what is so significant, or symbolic, about taste as to cause it to be excluded? If there are clues to this mystery in the poem, I have missed them.
My only suggestion: If you have some reason for omitting the fifth sense, please give us dense readers a clue as to why. If there is no reason why not let your character taste the nectar of the daffodil and complete the cycle.
This is a good conscience-raising piece and, for the first time, it surfaced with me that I really do not like to assign less than a 3 rating.The reason that occurs to me is that anything blow a 3 might -- and possibly should -- be construed as discouragement from writing. Even great writers, teachers, editors, and evaluators are not gods. It is an awesome responsibility to discourage anyone from writing if they like it. Even if they don't do it well. Perhaps it is kind to let the really poor writers know that they are wasting their time trying to publish or otherwise make money at writing. But I, for one, do not want to be responsible for killing the joy of purely writing for expression or just for the fun of it. Question: would it be better to drop the 1.0 and 1.5 from the scale?
You do a nice job of building tension and suspense.
You withhold a lot from the reader. Not only do we not know why you are alone in the flat, but we have no clues at all as to who you are, where you are, or what makes you tick as a person. There is little narrator self-characterization and no description.
You ask whether you should go on with this. Let me pose some questions. Do you know, or have an idea, where you are headed with this? I doubt that the conflict of not knowing why you are alone is enough to carry a story to any legitimate literary conclusion, so you will need to flesh out a better central conflict. Are you planning to introduce some other characters? One character stories are often unsuccessful. How long do you intend this to be? For a short work, say, under 3000 words, you need to start working on some of the elements I just suggested. Even for a longer work, it is time to inject something besides the discomfort of one who finds himself alone.
Without the answers to these and other questions I would not venture an answer to your question.
The positives are that you have a nice narrative style, you convey fear and discomfort well, and you raise a lot of questions to pique your readers' interest.
Thanks for an interesting diversion.
Doug.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed - v9.1" .
This contribution conveys a very sensitive and deeply involved father who experienced the near death of his twin sons during their neo-natal period. The account exudes emotion and objectivity simultaneously. The author counterbalances the intensity of his sons' battles by recounting more mundane work-related experiences. There is a mystical, or religious, dimension revealed in the epilogue. This acccount is very readable. The humanity of the author makes identification with him easy.
I noticed, perhaps, five or six typographical errors, most of which could be picked up with spell-check.
More seriously, the tension would have been stronger if the author had not told us at the beginning that his children were alive and functioning well. That early relevation removed the suspense that I am sure he felt during their time of peril. I suggest that he consider a re-organization that keeps the reader in suspense.
One more suggestion: handling dialogue in the conventional manner, with quotation marks and separate paragraphs for each speaker, would draw the reader in better. I know this may not be easy to do, since it is true and you may not be comfortable attributing literal quotations. I think, though, you have literary license to do this. This is not Journalism 101, but your own account.
I will watch for more from youl
Doug
This thought-provoking first-person account is rich and thought-provoking
Without using the words "guilt," "blackmail," or "captivity" you put them in the story very persuasively. This was a very good read with a chilling ending.
It is good as is. You might want to do something to help with Bill's transition from a kindly and victimized neighbor who tries to counsel Sandy out of this situation to becoming a killer. Would you be interested in demonstrating that Bill has a pragmatic and ruthless dimension before he decides on the final solution? On the other hand, it may be the abrupt transition that makes the end so chilling.
Fine contribution!
Doug
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