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Review by Dracomurex Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I like your phrase-based theme, it's a unique thing to work from, and your language and imagery is pretty good. One thing that stood out to me in this poem though was your use of repetition. Repetition can be a powerful tool in poetry, but it runs the risk of sounding redundant. I like the repetition of the first line in each verse, because you keep starting over with the same subject. It's the second line that I think may be over doing it. The second line also rhymes with the first, and repeating a basic rhyme like that over and over adds to the redundancy,I think. You also repeat the last two lines as well, so only 5/9 lines in each verse are unique material for each verse, and you have such good language, I just wish there was more! What I like doing with repetition, especially for something like your last two lines, is repeating for a bit, so it creates a chant-like effect, and then changing it slightly at some point, either in the middle verse or last, so it means something different, represents a different conclusion. The slighter the difference from the original, and the more profound the different meaning is the better. Something else you could do is repeat a rhyme instead of a whole line, like in the second line of each verse you could repeat the "How" or "How can it" and then replace it with a different word that rhymes the same way. Something I also like about this poem, now that I've been rereading it, is how you have 9 lines in each verse. What's done really well here is the crafting and progression of each verse; you start with the phrase, then slowly get more personal, then fade back out to more detached. A nice poem :)
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