What was brilliant.... Great slice of life piece! It brought me right back to my own memories of being in highschool... I love how the main character connects with the boy at the end, suggesting a future friendship or romance Great diction! Second person is tricky to write in, and you do it quite well.
Suggestions/Comments/Questions... Just a minor detail... <However, the bus vibrates violently when it is parked, like now, so you quickly abandon that idea> You may want to clarify this a bit more. Why does it vibrate when parked? Wouldn't it be still?
Technical stuff etc... I didn't notice anything
This would make lovely beginning to a longer piece, but its still great on its own
What was brilliant.... I think you introduce your story well - you introduce the setting, main character and situation quickly but it doesn't seem rushed. I love the description of the coach driver! Your diction is very clear, I always had a good sense of what was happening You create a good sense of mystery around the main character and why she is running away from home The main character is fleshed out well - you do a good job of having her shift between fear and courage, as is appropriate for her situation and reveals alot about her.
Suggestions/Comments/Questions... I'm almost 100% sure this is a start to a longer story (if it is, disregard the next suggestion), but if it is meant to be a short story, it feels like it ends to soon. The reader is also left hanging in regards to the creepy carriage and coach driver (which gave me a great sense of foreboding, by the way ) - you prepare us for something bad to happen but nothing does. You rely on adverbs (words ending in ly) to describe things alot. While there is nothing wrong with using them, using too many can interrupt the rhythm of the piece, and sometimes they are unneccessary. You might want to replace them with verbs like this : <quickly encroaching upon her> becomes <hurtling towards her>. A lot of time is spent with the main character thinking about the little girl and her father in the coach, but I'm not sure why. Then again, if this is unfinished you may reveal the significance of the main character's observation later. It does feel like her thoughts linger on the girl and the father a little long though, as she doesn't spend nearly so much time considering everyone else.
Technical stuff etc... < It was as though a bolt of lightning crashed over her head> you put bold instead of a bolt.
Keep up the good work! If this is just a beginning, please let me know when you write more
What was brilliant.... Your imagery is fantastic. You have a very distinct way of describing things. There's always a sense of something deeper, of things unsaid. I think it's a wonderful plot - a girl in love with the Sun, only to have him love the sister and not her. I love that the sun comes down and takes human form. I think the setting is great - I love that I can picture or it but there is no specific reference to time and place. It makes it more magical.
Suggestions/Comments/Questions... Why is the main character so sad? Does she know that the sun will choose her sister? You might want to focus the plot more. There is a lot of exposition at the beginning of the story, and while it's beautiful exposition, it feel like it takes a long time for the story to begin. I think it would be good to bring in little details about the mother and sister. It feels like its a very sudden transition from the meadow. I'm not sure I understand why the mother and the cottage are gone at the end.
Technical stuff etc... <Before, when time could be gone in a single breath my feet couldn’t move, but now as time ceases my feet are released from their confinement.> I recommend putting a comma after move.
Lovely work. For some reason I can imagine this as story within a fantasy novel, perhaps told around a campfire to a young hero character...
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
What was brilliant.... I like that the story is set in the context of a unknown cataclysmic war, it gives your piece a great sense of urgency, and you describe the setting well. You portray Jared’s despair well I think its great that of all the people Jared encounters, he encounters his old rival, and that the rival saves him. It really shows how war reveals different sides of people
Suggestions/Comments/Questions... < I would have smirked, had I the strength to raise the corner of my mouth.> What motivates him to smirk? I’m not sure I understand why he would smirk in this context, even at an old enemy. It seems a bit out of character after his earlier despair <As he reached down and grabbed me by the shirt, I could feel, melting away, the exhaustion, the pain, the hurt.> Is Brian healing him, or do you mean he isn’t focusing on his pain anymore? You might want to clarify this. <Tell me, what is it you plan… to do… with your one… wild and precious life?”> I know this is the prompt, but Brian’s speech pattern here is very different from earlier in the piece. You might want to tweak it a bit so the same idea is kept, but its said in a more Brian's particular cadence.
Technical stuff etc... <“She chose you over me… Angela married you, you stupid ass! Now get moving!”> this sentence is missing an end quote.
What I liked/Strengths.... the idea of the story the plot Tom's building sense of fear The way Tom gives in to death. I love the simple way you showed him passing - he just looks at his hands and he sees that he is dead too
Suggestions/Comments/Questions.... It would be nice to know more about why the ghost comes after Tom - does something about him call to the ghost? Does she think he is her lost love? < It was pitch black, but he was somehow able to see.> Why? Most people need time for their eyes to adjust. < Tom could suddenly tell that she was a woman and that she was beautiful in a haunting way> Perhaps you can mention why he suddenly notices - perhaps she becomes more substantial as he falls deeper under her spell Maybe you could develop the Ghost and Tom's characters a little more
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Sentence construction etc... < "Welcome," the ghost said with unmoving lips.> Since this is said psychically, you might want to use italics instead of quotations, like this: <Welcome, the ghost said with unmoving lips.>
What I liked/Strengths.... nice sibling banter! Very believable excellent use of dialogue to reveal important details of the story Aunt Hatties accent is great. Her character is very creepy. Nice diction. Your piece flows well and moves along nicely.
Suggestions/Comments/Questions.... You rely alot on adverbs like “suddenly”, “breathlessly”, “timidly”to describe. You might want to use verbs more to describe things. So if a character is timid, instead of saying they did something timidly, you would describe in more detail. For example: her voice was small and hesitant. I want to know more about what happens at the end - does Amelia get possessed, or does Hattie’s ghost kill her?
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Tense Issues etc... <...same day, you’ll get... > - no need for a comma after day .<..need to get going or else, Mr. Nuevo is going to freak...> - no comma needed after else <*It had been at one of those...> you accidently put a * in front of it. <*It had been at one of those awful family reunions that nobody ever really wants to go to, but feels obligated to attend so that everybody can “catch up with the relatives,” when in fact, you know that in truth all that is going to happen are forced formalities and the inevitable argument about something that happened years ago.> This is a really long sentence. You might want to consider breaking it into two sentences. <...right into the shrunken in face of Hattie> you don’t need the in <But in the past few years she had outgrown her dingy condo, and the house would certainly be a step up despite her father’s adamant disapproval she had decided to move in.> I think this needs to be two sentences. Perhaps: <But in the past few years she had outgrown her dingy condo, and the house would certainly be a step up. Despite her father’s adamant disapproval, she had decided to move in.>
Great work!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
What I liked/Strengths.... good gruesome imagery - especially in the torture scene nice plot twist with Emelina the message about the consequences of contracts with evil.... the description of Dr. Lambert hunting Emelina with his nose
Suggestions/Comments/Questions.... <The Demon Azazel appeared floating on her back> What does he look like? He doesn’t kill Emelina because he falls in love, but what about the other virgin he was supposed to kill? Why doesn’t Dr. Lambert worry about the fact that he breaks his contract? Did he kill another virgin in Emelina’s place and think that it would get him off the hook?
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Tense Issues etc... <Why was the wine bitter?.> - you accidentally put a period after the question mark
Super creepy! I really enjoyed this piece.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
What I liked/Strengths.... awesome beginning - it hooked me right in wonderful encounter between the two friends - great building of conflict and tension. Their relationship is so twisted, and its escalation is terrible! great characterization! The main character definitely has a unique voice this story made me shudder - what happens to his family is awful, but very well portrayed. The ending is... well, fantastic and horrible.
Suggestions/Comments/Questions.... <The dog still didn't budge as I walked over her, good.> - wouldn’t he think this is strange? If my dog didn’t greet me and just lay I would know something was wrong. They have incredible hearing. < I was too pre occupied to notice the bloodied footprints I was trekking into the house.> preoccupied with what?
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Tense Issues etc... <it'd be alright.> <Slowly, I made my way through the gate prepared to quiet the dog's overzealousness at daddy being home, she never came> - this has to be either two sentences: <Slowly, I made my way through the gate prepared to quiet the dog's overzealousness at daddy being home. She never came> or you can join it into one sentence with a conjunction like but. <...her face as her eye's looked towards me with...> - no apostrophe needed on the word eyes
What I liked/Strengths.... nice new twist on the classic dragon great diction - everything is very clear and understandable the dragons are well described - they sound so cute! great imagery of the different coloured dragons swarming around and eating the sandwhich
Suggestions/Comments/Questions.... I’d love to know more about the context, setting and main character - where is the main character? What are they like? Are they male or female? While the story is very well written, there is no conflict, no build. Perhaps the main character could fight to prevent the sandwhich from being eaten, or he/she tries to hide one as a pet and gets into trouble, or maybe they need help to go back to their world...
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Tense Issues etc... I didn’t see anything!
Great job !
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
What I liked/Strengths.... Great zombie imagery! I especially like the description of the zombie children eating. Also, I love that you mentioned how they smell - smell is an often forgotten sense Lots of action! the encounter with his zombie mother - it was heart rending and gruesome you leap right into the story the setting couldn’t be more perfect! this would make a wonderful beginning to a longer piece, but can stand on its own as well
Suggestions/Comments/Questions.... “I dashed past the fountain and plunged through a hedge I thought led me to the car park quicker” this is is a bit awkward. Here’s a potential revision: “I dashed past the fountain and plunged through a hedge to get to the car park quicker” “Stumbling out the other side I was tripped up, hitting the ground heavily” - this is also a bit awkward. Here’s another option “Stumbling out the other side, I tripped, hitting the ground heavily” “ I ripped the shears closed!” I’m not sure about the word ripped, you mean the shears closed, and ripped through her head, right? “A sound from behind alerting me to the other patrons of the car park moving towards the commotion.” - Do you mean other visitors, or the zombies. What is the commotion? Is it the zombies or the main characters interaction with his mother? I know its meant to be quite short, but it would be nice to get to know the main character more. Also, are they male or female?
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Tense Issues etc... “I paused panting and tried to avoid looking at the corpse” “A sound from behind alerted me to the other patrons of the car park moving towards the commotion.”
Wow. Beautiful. Gorgeous. Magnifique! To be perfectly honest, I tend not to enjoy poetry as much as pose, or novels, or books, but I really like this poem. As a person who hasn't managed to write one word of the ideas in my head for 5 years, your piece evokes the state of mind I wish I could be in once again...
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dragon_fly
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.11 seconds at 2:13pm on Nov 18, 2024 via server WEBX1.
| (4.5)
| (3.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
What was brilliant.... 
Great slice of life piece! It brought me right back to my own memories of being in highschool... 
) - you prepare us for something bad to happen but nothing does. 
What I liked/Strengths.... 
the idea of the story