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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dragonline
Review Requests: ON
46 Public Reviews Given
1,154 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I've spent hours upon hours upon hours editing my own work and others. I tend to review in that same mode with the goal of offering suggestions and possible improvements. I give positives/negatives and details.
I'm good at...
revision, overall impression, spelling, pov.
Favorite Genres
I'll read just about anything.
Least Favorite Genres
Crime, brutality, rascist
Favorite Item Types
I'll read just about anything except novels but I'll read chapters. Will consider short stories and novellas.
Least Favorite Item Types
novels, but I'll read chapters.
I will not review...
brutality, obscenity
Public Reviews
1
1
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi there,

You have told a very entertaining story with a lot of details that enhance each action from the boy elves hitting the desk to the silken spider strands. All of which can easily be visualized.

There is definitely a hint of sauciness to the tale or should I say naughtiness which is what we have come to expect of mischievous elves. Emily, obviously, has those characteristics as well.

I really enjoyed reading this and I'm sure that it will make any reader smile as the tale unfolds.

(These are my favourite lines:)

“The Loveliest Doe to follow down a Rabbit Hole.”
“Grower of the Most Beautiful Brown Hair Ever.”
“Owner of the Most Beautiful Hair of any Color.”

“Little Modern Day Cleopatra.”
“Mistress of Multi-tasking.” (Love it)

“The Wisher of Peace for Everyone.”

As I was getting ready to comment, I noticed that you've made a few changes... LOL. So, there are a few that I will comment on further below and feel free to accept or totally ignore my suggestions as ultimately you know what you want to accomplish with this story/poem.

Thanks for sharing your talent!



Now, finally, finally to the elves then! (This is a much better line than the previous one)

Some rappel down silken, spider strands. (no comma needed)

As they hit desk, they empty their lungs of air. (As they hit the desk - assuming there's only one)

Next, they breathe in long Emily’s leftover scent. (I see you tried to change this...but I'm thinking that the other one, rewritten as Next, they deeply breathe in Emily's leftover scent would work much better than your long Emily (that sounds like she's very tall)

They get all wild, jacked, amped(,) and pumped.

Anyway, said girl elf late "risers" flip the script, (girl elves? or elf girls?)

Their mood is different, however, from the boys, (really stuck on the plurality of 'their' so their moods are different)

Her residual, soothing, gentleness, still left behind. (soothing gentleness or soothing and gentleness?)

Every night they do this.
Then(,) they return to the bank before dawn.

With incantations of invisibility(,) they start, (or reword starting with they start with...)

For instance, animals can hear and smell elves easier. (easily)
So, the girls are always on lookout, (both) loaded and locked,

much less even been scratched by; an owl, cat, or rat. (even being)

Not that they won’t still weep to heartbreak() when they do.

daily-night mundane-world human-girl (purpose of using - ?) not necessary as daily night, mundane world and human girl are wholly acceptible)

So, the girls(,) too, just before dawn, return to the bank. (a lot of commas possibly reword) (so, the girls, too, return to the bank just before dawn)

Where each (curl) up with their boy, to slumber as well.

I mean(,) you will definitely never see the elves.

And you start to feel her weaving magic,
So strong it makes you feel so much better

And you start to feel her strong weaving magic,
so strong, it makes you feel so much better

just like it was for me() when I first met her,

(')Cause I still can’t friggin’ shake it off to this day!


It may seem like a lot, but it's not. Just tweaking... and you can totally ignore my tweaking... LOL.
2
2
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello. Right from the get go it's obvious that you have a talent with description See sections in Bold for comments.

Windshield wipers work overtime as torrential rain pounds down in blinding sheets, creating a chaotic symphony that makes it nearly impossible for Abie Brimwell to see as she anxiously waits at a red light.

Suddenly, a deafening horn blasts through the storm as the piercing headlights of an eighteen-wheeler materialize out of nowhere, hurtling towards Abie's car with alarming speed. In a split second, the massive truck slams into Abie's vehicle with bone-shattering force, sending shards of metal flying and shattering the peaceful night into chaos.

These are a few suggestions:

nightmarish abyss. The terror of the images linger(s) in his mind like a specter haunting him. A hundred

two hours. So(,) get your butt cracking.”

A car horn snaps Shag back to reality as a group of young (co-eds ) pull alongside in a sleek, cherry red The light turns green. The (co-eds) enthusiastically wave as they accelerate away. Up for the chase,

shoulder. "How's the patron saint of the twenty-five(-)hundred(-)dollar claimers?"

reminds me of an angel. So( ,) I named her after you. Abie Angel.”

tries, mamma. He really, really tries. Maybe(,) one day. Maybe one day. Maybe one day he'll come.”

This section is my favourite part because of the naivety and innocence of taking out her crayon document.

Lauren, undetermined, digs into her back pocket and pulls out a crumpled sheet of manila paper which she hands to Shag.

"What's this?” Shag says.

"It's a contract,” Lauren replies. “You and Gramps signed it. Says when I turn thirteen, I get to pick the horse.”

Shag scoffs. “It's in crayon for Pete’s sake.”

"Makes no never mind,” Lauren insists. “It’s a contract.”

“Looks like she's got you there.” John Henry chuckles along with his cronies.

“Shut up!” Shag and Lauren respond in unison.

Shag hands Lauren back the paper. “This don’t mean nothin’.”

Lauren takes the paper. Smoothing out the wrinkles, she counters. “Does so. It's dated and signed, making it a legally binding contract by all parties hereto with.”

"Hereto what?” Shag says with a puzzled expression. “Where'd you learn that fancy lawyer talk?”

I really enjoyed reading this and can easily see this being a movie. It has good characterizations and storyline. Your talent with description and use of language capture the essence of people involved in the upbringing, and purchase and sale of horses which so many people don't know about and can't appreciate the risks and hopes that can be placed on a single horse that can make or break a breeder/buyer.

Thank you for sharing your story. Super job!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of MANGO  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
I chose to review this because of the title first and second to thank you for reviewing my poem. I really wondered if this poem was about a cat at first, particularly in the first two stanzas. The reason is because of the book called, A Mango Shaped Space which, if you've read it, you'll understand the connection and if you haven't read it, I highly recommend it. I was happy to see that it was actually about mangoes. Definitely, the first mango poem that I've ever read.

I enjoyed the reference to the past and present in your stanzas. The last stanza brought a smile to my face at the sense of delight that mangoes evoke in the writer. Very cool.

Good use of description and emotion. Favourite line is Mango mango mango mango because that's when I realized the poem was truly about mangoes and it all clicked into place.

Thanks for sharing your work.
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4
Review of The Weather  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Definitely, you've covered the complexities of the weather and how it influences our mood especially for this time of year when we've all had enough of winter and just want to see the sun on a daily basis.

This looks like you had a challenge, to choose a word that would rhyme in each stanza.

My favourite line is: and freedom is within your reach but shall I sacrifice my neck?
Because it doesn't rhyme but, because it has the question mark, it highlights the fact that "hey, I don't belong and I know it so deal with it." It made it work.

Spelling suggestion: Blossom vs blosom

Thanks for sharing your work. It does read like a good long rap song.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
5
5
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thanks for sharing this.

I was wondering if you meant, he holds the whole world in his hands instead of he holds the hold
Or he breathes/brings snow and rain....I wasn't sure as breeze didn't quite fit.

My favourite lines are:

This why I know.

God is bigger than me.

It is a great poem about Faith and that is a gift. I like how you used "Hey!!!" Like you wanted to shout it out to the world.

Well done! Great job!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of Resolutions  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like how these three lines are used in the poem and how they add meaning to it.


First confused, then clear as crystal
Then as crystal it cleared
First confused, then it cleared

Your lines are clear and concise. Lines 3, 11, and last....comma? after yes, then, as crystal, if that's your intention. I was wondering about the last line as it can stand without the comma but there is a subtle pause if there is a , after time, that adds a bit more meaning.

Thanks for sharing your work. I like the flow, the wealth in the change of scenes without using a vast amount of words to get your meaning across. Example:


New faces and new smiles
New stories and heightened orgasms
After too many rejections
And too many cold nights

Well done!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
7
7
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)

A lot of good descriptive parts in scenery and character from Jennifer to the dad and his drinking.

Good details with sister's death and Health teacher having it out for him.

Antagonist: Josh. The reason for his trip to the man who gave him a second chance at life.

Wondering why by thinking about the stage prop, it would fall. Did he do it?

Prologue catches the interest of the reader and draws them into the story.

The blood dripping down his hands, was this after him being beaten up and returned? At first it seemed like he'd done something evil.

Signing on the dotted line with shaking hands. He seems like a tough character but his actions show that he isn't: taking care of dad, worrying about him. If anything it seems like he didn't have much going for him so why leave the chance at heaven?

Just a few questions that came to mind. Will he come back to avenge himself against Josh or truly turn his life around? What does he really need to do? The only thing negative is that he's late for school...not a biggy.

You've got a lot to grow your story from as you've written a lot of possible scenes to expand on.

My favourite line: I inhaled the crisp clean air, it was adequate.

Shuddered vs shuttered

Keep up the good work. It's a unique story idea and worth expanding.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
8
8
Rated: E | (5.0)
It's a unique thought to look at each rock as ancient. That implies that each rock has a story of their own to tell about the person(s) that threw them back into the water (I'm assuming).

I like the use of o'er and o'er; an ancient use of over, just like each small pebble is ancient. Which brings to mind that people from long ago also threw the stones.

My favourite line: The waves set me down, and he picked me up.

For me, this has two meanings. One obviously from the point of view of the stone and the other a more esoterical one and that of the turmoils of life throwing us down only to have God lift us up.

Your poem is rhythmic, the syllables of 10 and 9 repeated and ending with 10/10. Also, because you use o'er (1 syllable) the rhyme scheme worked. Very well-written.

Thank you for letting me read your work. I think this said an auto reward of 9000 points. Way too much so I'm sending them back your way.

Have an awesome day.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
9
9
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
My absolute favourite rain poem. The joy and appreciation of the rain can be felt in your poem enough so take make the reader rejoice with you.

My favourite part:

We have out-deserted
the southwestern desert
with our tree-killing,
flower-shriveling,
grass-browning,
ground-cracking heat
and drought. So dry!

Love the description of the heat. You nailed it! Such a great poem. I love the idea for celebrating the moment. Did she opt for the fully clad version? Hopefully, there hasn't been another such drought.

I really enjoyed your poem!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of Life  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
It's always a challenge to write a poem that has to meet certain requirements. You have done an excellent job of using those elements and creating an interesting poem.

This line causes me to stumble in the reading: loss is the thing tough will comes from.

It doesn't seem to flow as well as your other lines. I keep thinking up possible words that rhyme with come...

How about...just thinking....get rid of the ; after come

My line...just a suggestion: It toughens our will and makes our hearts strum. It does rhyme with come.

Other than that line...you've done a great job. Wow!

My favourite line: In short, then, life can be a bane
with chilly winds and lots of rain.

I like the use of the word bane...rarely see that. A very strong word to display emotion.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
11
11
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Interesting story idea with the time travel and getting trapped there. Good use of conversation, some errors (see below) but they don't detract from your story. It easy easy to read, in the sense that the interest is piqued enough to read to the end. The inconclusive ending is an excellent opportunity for you to continue on with more chapters and create a larger piece). As is, the familiar names work, but a larger project would be more intriguing if they are original and have your own creative stamp on them. Overall, nicely done. New fantasy ideas are hard to create, this would be a good one.

“So what is it like in your world,(?)” asked Sora.

“Much more boring for own (one) thing, not that I’d like to stay here. In my realm everyone knows who you are. You three a(re) video game stars.”

“Really!?” exclaimed Donald.

“I also know your two friends Kairi and Riku,” I said to Sora.

“Whoa cool(,)” he replied.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of Shane Watson Poem  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
A nice tribute to Watson for helping his team win the game against Pakistan. I can tell you're a fan. It must have been an amazing game to warrant such a great tribute.

My favourite lines: Smiles like infant playing with cars
Cries like hulk biting the mars

I won't comment on your spelling as, I have no idea if they're Australian colloquialisms or actual errors (eg. nonsence vs nonsense...yur/wat) I'm guessing a little bit of both but they didn't interfere with the meaning of your poem. I could easily sense how the excitement that was felt for the winners. Nicely done. I enjoyed your poem. Thanks for sharing it.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
13
13
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
I thought this was another 'human' story until I got to this line: Thornton grabbed my paw and pulled me after him. And then, as I read, and Pokeman was mentioned, it all made sense. Good details.

I wondering if there is a way to have a flashback without telling us it's a flashback. And that would mean a little tweaking with the use of present and past tense.

eg. from your work: I see Velkin pointing at us as a large group of armed men point guns at us. Immediately, my life flashes before my eyes. I see myself taking my first steps. Tears of joy welled up in my mother's eyes as my father beamed with happiness and pride in his son. Immediately, another image flashed before me. I was crying in the dark as my parents came to comfort me. My father would then hum in a deep, soothing pitch as mom would sing a beautiful lullaby.

I see Velkin pointing at us.....men aim their.....
my life flashed before my eyes as I saw myself (wondering if 'recalled taking my first steps' would.work better as how can you see yourself taking the first steps unless you were an observer)
..Tears of joy welling up...(welling up could be eliminated without effecting the meaning as if someone said to me they had tears in their eyes I would know they were trying not to cry or something like that).

..my father humming in a deep... (Any way to combine, I was crying....and my father lines together? Crying in the dark with my parents comforting me....

Just a suggestion as I know flashbacks are very tricky and can be complicated. I like how each line drew me to read the next line to find out what would happen next and how your story will continue. Thanks for posting and keep up the good work!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
14
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In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
My interpretation of this poem would be two different things, that's the fun of it, one of a hunter either in sunshine or snow...for me I imagine snow when I think of squinting in the glare. The other is that of a skier gazing down at the tracks below before they are tempted to follow them.

I like that your poem can be perceived in different ways and I'd be curious to know what you were imagining as you wrote this. I think I will find out more about Septolets as I wasn't familiar with them.

It's hard to have a favourite line but I'd say my favourite word is 'beckon' as that word can mean so many different things depending on the situation.

I enjoyed reading this.
15
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Review of Fireman's Song  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is a great stanza and it gives hope where a person might otherwise only have fear.

In the dark of the night,
When the fire burns bright,
And death knocks at your door,
There’s heroes close by, (There are vs there is/there's)
Who’s gonna stand by your side, (? as it asks who is) unless you want to say whose)
Where ever you may go,
Hang on with all your might,
Don't give in to fright,
It may be a long, dark night,
But the heroes are on the role,
The Firemen are on the go.

The fires are gone,
And the smoke lingers on,
As death has lost once more. (It's great that Death can lose because of firemen. Something to be proud of)

I like how the first 3 lines of the first 2 stanzas are similar yet different in what they are saying:

In the dark of the night,
When the fire burns bright,
And death knocks at your door,

A scream in the night,
And the fire burns bright,
As death knocks once more.

It would be interesting to hear the music that goes with these lyrics.
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Review of ICEBERG  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really like the logic and details of the first paragraph. At first I was thinking that I would be reading about the Titanic.

The second is perfect for showing how deceiving things can be on the surface and, when we delve deeper, we find that there can be peril or something unexpected.

The first two paragraphs are perfect for setting up the third paragraph and the topic of the article, the meditative mind. The comparison between the iceberg and the meditative mind is a great analogy.

I agree, I could never see how a brief 20 minute interlude could totally wipe out the stress of the day particularly since we jump right back into the fray right away.

From what I've read, Reality Meditation involving a meditative mind as the day unfolds is a much better way to deal with issues as it resolves things in the moment they happen, not re-invented when we go into a room for a 20 minutes break. That makes so much more sense; to get rid of conflicts when they happen. It is developing the meditative mind that can be challenging to many.

I really like how you used praying and preying in this sentence to get your meaning across.

It's great that you have gone into detail to explain attention, watching, and meditation because, as a reader I would want to know how to achieve Reality Meditation.

The constant noisy brain which is mulling over things from sunrise to sunset, continually jumping from one often meaningless thing to another can begin to undergo a subtle transformation during daily life if the simplest of actions, which is attention, is present. Attention is meditation. The room where it can happen is this gap between thought. Attention is to everything on the mental screen, both outside and inside your head. Attention is the act of watching. Watching is meditation. Not watching and judging. Not watching and commenting, evaluating and choosing, but just watching, Period. Period means just that. Period means no thing else. ( do you mean nothing? vs no thing?) Observing, looking, attending, seeing, is all of these things and doing nothing regarding what is being seen. Just looking at it, attending to it, this is meditation in action. This is the fire that burns the old away! It is the beginning of a mind coming into deeper meditation, which is not only the awakening of intelligence but the laying of the groundwork which cause the gates of heaven to open, but not by you. You this ego burdened , ( burdened, ) bloviating entity, the one with countless thousands of yesterday’s worn out, repetitive baggage . (very descriptive - bloviating - I think of the jargon that so many people use in daily life instead of saying what they really mean)

With this action employed, you will see that the output from the brain will begin to slow and the space between thoughts will start to widen of its own accord, by itself, and it will do so naturally without your help. This space increases with a truly new and silent quality. It widens, and creates depth and space without the you (I'm wondering if the 'the' is necessary or if you might want to say, 'the You') meddling with it and presents to the meditator the platform from which the unspeakable depths of meditation and the unknown become explore able. (explorable) This action is the epitome of the common phrase "let go and let God". In this slowing, this widening, one can observe the field of awareness expanding, while stress is melting away as would a cube of ice on a stove. That widening space, indeed that space however narrow or wide is the gift which has already been given, It may be the pearl of great price. It is the sentry at the gate. It is the only place in the mental economy where you are not, and the other, the nameless, is.

This is a complex paragraph that I think the average brain won't be able to wrap their heads around it. One more paragraph or sentence to relate the above paragraph to the Meditative Reality would help clarify.

This space, this platform, is the most important tool in the consciousness of man, and although it is visible thousands of times a day, most people are not even aware that it is there, this rose without thorn's. (thorns)

I hope that I've been helpful. I reviewed for overall topic and clarity. I liked the analogies, the details, and the attempt to put something so thought-provoking into words. I think that someone reading this would want to try to achieve an awareness to how they deal with life's conflicts.

Thanks for choosing me to review.
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In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)


I turned to go and then…
Then I saw you (I don't think it needs the extra 'then' as it is repetitive and it would work without it here)
So scrounge, so scruffy with (I think you might mean scrungy - how something looks vs scrounge - to look for something)
Big brown eyes so sad.
Alone and abandoned too.

It was then… then I knew It was then....that I knew

Love had touched my heart. Love these lines.
It was there at the SPCA
I found my P.J.

You might want to send your poem to the SPCA. They would love this! Pets are such a great way to heal and keep the loneliness at bay until that special someone shows up. Your dog will let you know if that person is a keeper.
18
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Review of Little Friend  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
My impression is not that this is a children's poem. More like the wistfulness of someone older who knows that once childhood is over, life gets more complicated. I think of my grade 3 class, and they wouldn't 'get' this poem. Maybe +13, as by then, they'll know life is more complicated with responsibilities and they would understand and wish for the carefree days of just a few years before.

A smile lights up her face (that) can't be beat.

She'll be a cute angel (as) long as she can

My favourite lines:

God will protect and watch over you.
He will let all your wishes come true.
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Review of Unmasked  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Too funny! Love the ending! I think that by revealing the character's thoughts, you've added an inside to the characters persona. You have a lot of beautiful description in this flash fiction and you managed to write what I would call a perfect example of what flash fiction should be.

My favourite part is:

Riding off through the desert night, he pulled the handful of clothes he had gathered from inside his cape. These will do nicely. I think we're about the same size!

That line totally changes the story! Such a nice twist. Thanks for sharing!
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Review of Stay  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
A sad poem. I'm of two minds about it. I assume it about asking someone you love to not leave but for some reason it comes across as if you're asking God not to leave and that adds a more deep and spiritual aspect to your poem. If anything it sounds like a desire to know and have God in your life. You might not realize what you have actually written. Probably the best spiritual piece I've ever read. Truly.
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Review of The Wedding  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is my favourite stanza! Quite a twist.

It`s her turn now to say "I do"
let`s get this over, we`ll see it through
then she looked at me, her face aglow
and to my delight, she just said, "NO

A few suggestions:

will I soon live a life in clover? (live life in a field of clover? - I just thought this made it flow better)

before I place on her hand gold (the ring of gold)

my God! she`ll think I`m so unkind (.)

Love this twist to your poem. A build up of tension before the wedding, doubts and amazingly I thought, "How many people in this similar situation just go ahead and getting married and then live with the potential harmful outcome?"

Nicely done!
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Review of Screenwriter  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
A lot can be done with this piece as it is very detailed in its introduction of its characters and the surroundings. I like that I can imagine being in that job situation, the randomness, and the predictability of how people behave. Do you mean, "wore a blue suit and looked distracted?" I like abstracted as it seems to imply he's filling a role but that's really not what he'd like to do. Thanks for sharing your work.
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Review of Resemblance  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
At first I had to reread the poem twice before I understood the overlooking steps. Two meanings I suppose, one of being overlooked, or sitting in judgement. I'm wondering would 'as if meant' would add to it. Or, 'as it's meant'. I really like the overlooking steps the best. It really sets the tone of the poem. Upon rereading it again, and understanding the line 'hard times slowly sink to the bottom' I saw that the poem was also one of rebirth, realization that although there is grief, there is hope. Because of the hidden layers in your poem, it made it very enjoyable to read.
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