Very simple yet gives the image of a powerful seductress. I think you meant to say that she was a vampire but in my opinion I could see this as a man lusting after a woman that he will never have. He puts her above all other women and sees her as both his greatest inspiration but an unattainable desire. It tortures him. An angel from Heaven is truly a version of Hell for him. Great job!
Short and sweet. However, "HIs sister let him sleep outside, but he could not sleep". This just sounds like an awkward sentence. Why would he need his sister's permission to sleep outside? Also I would remove "Panicking" from the sentence where Mark swings the knife. Also remove "Within seconds". Otherwise this was great!
I enjoyed reading this short piece. You jumped right into the action of the story and it sucked me right into it. Instead of explaining how she felt, the dialogue conveyed the emotions the MC. The ending slightly confused me. How was the boyfriend leaning into kiss the MC while he was driving? Seems a little dangerous to me considering the fortune teller just told her what was going to happen.
This was an interesting short story. It makes you think about what you would REALLY do if you won money that made you comfortable for the rest of your life. This story shows that money cannot buy happiness. My only piece of advice is a small grammar error:
Claire couldn't even smile at his silly joke, a quote from his favourite Anthony Hopkins movie: Off the edge.
-----------Off the Edge should be capitalized and italicized or underlined. You need to indicate that it is the name of another work.
It's a really small, minor detail but I hope it helps you in the future. Solid story. Enjoyed the read.
The enjoyed this story as I can relate to it very much. There are some grammar errors in the story. I am going to point out the two of them I saw. You should check over your work to see if you find more.
"Even at this young age I new he was dying." - New = Knew
"For days afterward, I was haunted and terrified by what had happen" = Happened.
Otherwise, it was an interesting story on a subject matter that is not always easy to write about or to question.
I absolutely love the message in this letter to the world. I agree that it does sound idealistic in ways that I don't think will ever come about from mankind but its a step in the right direction to address the pain and the pleasure of being a human being.
Loved the article. I am guilty of Number 2 but I have been trying to get better. When I read other people's work, I tend to get irked with all the rules they break in grammar, language, and punctuation.
I really enjoyed reading this story a lot. It kept me on the edge of my seat and had a great deal of mystery to it. I really don't have any suggestions for improvement because I feel the story is excellent with great pacing, believable characters, and a somewhat happy ending.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/draul
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 6:04pm on Nov 27, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
